Drunk Punch Love
by GraceJordan13
Summary: Just drabbles about Garrus and my Shep, Anya, in an AU where they started to have feelings for each other in ME1 (Also posted on AO3)
1. Chapter 1: Meet Me At The Bar

Anya Shepard had never been pursued romantically. She'd never had time for that, between missions and her dislike of flowers. However, over the past two months, her handsome lieutenant made it pretty clear how he felt about her. While he wasn't her most frequent pick for away missions, he always made sure to show Anya that he had her back. Kaidan took care of her plants any time she was away, he always was ready to support her after any tough missions, and he kept the best sports streams from Earth on hand. It was flattering, honestly, having her own personal admirer. She was starting to get a bit of a crush on him, too.

So how the hell did she end up here, stumbling over herself with her best friend on Noveria?

The second she met Garrus Vakarian, something between them clicked. They both grew up with strict military parents who expected them to grow into tiny versions of them. And every step they took to try to be their own person, the more they only seemed to affirm their parents' legacy.

Until they didn't.

When she looked in his eyes, she saw all those years of frustration, with her parents, with COs, begging them to look past rules and instead do the goddamn right thing. It took years and too many traumatic events to finally get heard, and seeing him argue with C-Sec authorities about Saren brought all those feelings right back.

And when she helped saved Dr. Michel, and he looked at her like he found his partner in anti-crime? Anya had barely left his side after that.

Sure, they grew up on two different worlds, and he liked cop noirs where she loved war movies, and the one time she tried some of his food she barfed for hours, but it was like she found someone that made her feel so comfortably herself. Garrus went on every mission with her and she'd never felt so sure that somebody had her back, not just watered the Ivy.

Anya may have been his commanding officer, and he treated her with endless respect, but he didn't know how much leaning on him helped her, too.

And here she was, rubbing her cheeks to try to burn away blush while they were on a frozen planet full of corporate assholes. Well, less corporate assholes, after what they'd accomplished.

She still couldn't quite wrap her brain around how she got herself here, getting drunk with him, him holding onto her waist, her losing her mind as it fritzed. Liara came on the mission to face her mother, but after Benezia's unfortunate demise, she decided to go back to the ship and spend some quality time with Chakwas and by herself.

She and Garrus, however, needed to warm the hell up from the frozen wasteland and the drinks at the hotel bar looked pretty nice. They promise to be back to the ship in a few hours, but were going to enjoy a non-Saren break. Shit was fucked enough without them ignoring all opportunities to blow off some steam.

Anya wasn't sure when the blushing started, though. Yeah, sometimes it happened when she drank. But only about three drinks in, and she was swimming in all the things he was saying. Instead of casual soldier banter or mission talk, they were stumbling into some very deep conversations. Things she hadn't talked about in years. She didn't even realize she should be embarrassed until after she'd already told him about how her parents caught her making out in a closet with her first boyfriend (a Drell by the name of Ryel) and, worse, how she'd been woefully unprepared for the effect that the kiss would have on her mental state, especially in front of said parents.

Garrus' laughter made it all go down smoother, but Anya wasn't sure if that was for better or worse, just quite yet.

While humans were new to the galaxy, and were far less adept in inter-species relationships, Anya had always managed to be able to find something attractive about most anyone. When she was in elementary school, she had a huge crush on an Elcor child she met because he spoke what felt like poetry to her young ears.

And sure, she'd had flirtations with turians before and even had a few suggestive encounters, but none of those men were Garrus so that made things a bit more complicated.

Why did her hormones have to go and get all flustered now?

His jaw had always been so defined, and his voice always rumbled like that. She always had enjoyed hearing him tell her stories and watching the way his markings laid across his skin. Hell, she even had an honest admiration for the way he moved, as a soldier and as a person.

But what was so different now that made those "nice" things suddenly magnetic?

Just as she was losing her brain to the abyss of embarrassment, he placed a hand on her shoulder. She almost jolted out of her skin. "Hey, Shepard, I think we both needed this. But it's about time we headed back to the Normandy, right? Can't get blamed for making the Captain go AWOL."

Anya choked out a laugh and shrugged off his hand, careful to ignore how it glided off her back... Mostly. "Right. Yeah. We should do that." Just as she pushed off the high table, though, she wobbled. _Was she drunker than she thought?_

A little too helpful and thoughtful, Garrus caught her by the waist and held her up. Her bones could nearly melt out, the way her skin was heating up. He just grinned at her and shook his head. "Shepard can't hold her liquor. Duly noted." He threw her arm around his shoulder and, after paying the bill, took the lead. "It's okay, I'll get us back nice and safe. C-Sec had me carrying heavier and drunker people home. You'll be easy."

In her own desperation, Anya tried to pull away a bit. "Garrus, you don't have to-"

"With how many times you picked my ass up from those Asari Commandos today, it's the least I can do. But don't you dare tell anyone else I admitted that."

Anya thought, to Hell with it, and leaned in. Literally. She leaned onto his sturdy shoulder and just let her brain get its fill of whatever bizarre shit it was on tonight. Maybe it really was just the booze, too strong to let her think straight.

She had an attractive biotic chasing after her, right? No need to go for guys who'd never want her.

While she had a bad habit for that, she especially didn't need that bullshit with her best friend.

She tried to latch onto that phrase with a ferocity, like the platonic nature of it could save her from the way she was flaring up right now. It didn't make sense. It had to not make sense.

If it did make sense, she had one too many problems that a probationary Spectre trying to run down another Spectre trying to destroy the galaxy needed. Christ, thinking that only made her feel like shit for daring to think of anyone romantically.

By the time she was paying attention, they were already back to the Normandy doors. Most people on the ship would be asleep, with the probable exceptions of Joker, Pressley, and unfortunately enough, Kaidan.

He often waited up for her when she went away.

Suddenly his antics were less charming and more felt like a desperate puppy. Though, being carried around by an attractive turian who was one hell of a shot probably didn't help with that.

Dammit. Scratch the attractive.

"Have you always been such a lightweight? The vids act like humans are professionals at drinking."

Anya tried to focus on the things he said versus the joking, friendly, comfortable way he said them. "No, but I guess it's been a long while since I was a young cadet passing time."

"You haven't been drinking since cadets?" Garrus chuckled and the way it rumbled against her side nearly set her body on fire. "Joker may say I have a stick up my ass, but maybe I'm not the only one."

"You don't have time to drink much anymore when all your old drinking buddies keep dying."

Just as they entered the Normandy airlock, Garrus gave her this sympathetic, heartbroken look. "I'm sorry, Shepard."

Anya laughed back at him again, like it helped cover up all the weird feelings that were bubbling up in her. If she was going to ignore the romantic ones, she guessed the miserable ones were the only ones left. "You don't even know what you're saying sorry about."

"I may have done some digging on you. I know about Akuze, and several other suicide operations that you survived." Garrus shook his head and a flash of anger came on his face as the decontamination stopped. 'They couldn't have sent anyone else, could they?"

"Part of the job." Garrus picked her back up and they moved into the Normandy. The lights were low, Joker wasn't even at the helm, and they started walking towards the nav system. Pressley was awake, as expected, but other than a raised eyebrow he let them pass, unbothered. She appreciated that right now, especially with the gloom fog rolling in over her head.

Garrus responded, "Sure, but even the best can only take so much." Leading her to the stairs, he didn't even ask before he slung her over her shoulder and walked her down the stairs. "We need to find you more hobbies, Shepard. Drinking doesn't seem the best option."

Staring down at his strong back and well-toned legs, with his face so close to her ass, Anya was a little overwhelmed by it all. She didn't even speak until they were at the bottom and he put her back on the ground. "Y-You didn't have to do that."

"I didn't. But maybe you deserve to be carried sometimes, instead of having to carry everything for everyone else." He started dragging her towards her room intently, but those words he just said overwhelmed her senses more than anything else.

Most people just praised her, awarded her, and then begged to see what more she could accomplish. They might want to support her, but only so she could push on further and further.

But here he was, Garrus Vakarian, wanting to carry some of her burdens, no promise of her saving the world for him.

"Garrus, I-"

Anya barely opened her mouth before that not-so-secret admirer was on them. "Shepard! You okay?"

All the more flustered, she felt overrun. However, instead of speaking over her, Garrus just looked to her like it was her place to figure out what she wanted here. Hell, he looked half ready to hand her off to Kaidan, like he expected her to want that. There might have even been a twinge of disappointment in his eyes, if she didn't know any better.

Coughing, she kept a hand on Garrus' side but straightened. "Garrus and i were just... celebrating surviving Noveria. I might have drank a little more than I should have."

"Well, don't worry about it. I got you. I can get you the rest of the way and Garrus can get to sleep."

Garrus let go of her waist like he expected her to walk into Kaidan's open arms, but something snapped in Anya. Kaidan's sweet attentiveness was still sweet and well-meant, but looking up at this alien man, she didn't want to budge an inch. "He's already gotten me this far so let's just keep going. But thank you, Kaidan. You should get yourself to bed."

The guy looked dejected, and it made Anya feel a little bad, but not bad enough. Especially when Garrus said nothing, but his arm found its way around her waist again and tightened.

He helped her into her room, set her in her chair, and shut the door behind him. Except, he didn't leave. He stayed in the room with her. When he turned back around, she was stupidly fumbling with her boots.

Garrus got on his knees and started pulling at her shoes. However, after getting one off, he just stared at her foot. "Why didn't you want to spend some alone time with the Lieutenant? It wouldn't have hurt my feelings. The entire ship knows he's in love with you."

"Yeah, but who said I was in love with him?"

For a moment, Garrus stilled and glanced up at her, like trying to figure out what she really meant by that. She didn't quite know what she meant by that. "Fair. Alenko does come on strong."

"Sometimes I think I'm going insane on this ship. Too many people idolize me. Kaidan and Dr. T'Soni are the only ones who try to take it romantic. It's sweet, but it still feels like so much." Anya didn't know what was happening to her, but she found herself tearing up into her clenched fists. "Eventually, it feels like you're not human anymore, just this unstoppable idea that needs to keep going because it makes everyone else stronger. Humanity is counting on me to be their representative to prove to the galaxy that we're worthy. But along the way, I forget what it's like to be a human in the first place."

Garrus ran a soft talon across one of the tears falling down her cheek. "Don't worry, Shepard. You'll always be a squishy, emotional human to me."

And she couldn't explain what came over her, but that's when she leaned forward and pressed her lips onto his forehead. Maybe she hadn't noticed how good it felt to have him by her side, but now all the emotions tumbled over her uncontrollably. Maybe there was a reason she gave up drinking for so long.

His blue eyes looked up at her with confusion. "Shepard..."

"Please, don't say it. I'm tipsy and we can forget about it tomorrow, go back to being friends. Best of friends, actually. It doesn't have to be anything _more _for you, but just don't leave. Not right now. I'm... inordinately human right now."

Garrus didn't give her any response to the kiss, but asked, "What do you need?"

"I just want to be held and forget these bad feelings. I just want them to go back where they came from, before the booze."

She crawled into her bed, at best expecting to be tucked in. Instead, Garrus laid down next to her. He opened his arms. "C'mere. I'll stay until you fall asleep."

Anya didn't ask questions. She just pulled herself into his arms, cuddled close, and let his breathing be what she fell asleep to. Sure, she had no damn clue what this meant for their friendship, but it was nice to be soothed, if only for a little.

/

Author's Note: Hi! My name's Grace. I write ME fanfics on AO3 and here. I love exploring new aspects of my favorite stories. If you want to support my stories, please check out my patron site which will not be named, which I share in my bio. Happy reading!


	2. Chapter 2: The Morning After

When she woke up, she was alone.

The night before, cradled in Garrus' arms, felt like a wild fever dream more than reality. Anya half convinced herself it was, until she noticed the message notification blinking on her data-pad.

_Left when you fell asleep. Hope you wake up feeling better, Shepard. _

If she didn't quite literally have a galaxy to save, she'd kill herself. Might as well, after last night's embarrassment.

Not only had she been a wobbly drunk, but she spent half of it high on being attracted to Garrus Vakarian of all people and the other half weeping about the burden of being a hero. That wasn't what Commander Shepard was supposed to be like, especially not in front of her subordinates. She felt like a fucking idiot.

Pulling on her well-worn boots, her longest surviving pair, she decided just to get it over with. She was hardly suave enough to avoid the problem with grace, or clever enough to lie herself out of it. Anya just had to put on a brave face, talk to him, profusely apologize, and never get drunk again.

All throughout the halls, she felt like everyone was watching her, which they weren't, but she was hopelessly skittish and paranoid. But a few helmsman did shoot her an odd look. Did anyone see Garrus walking out of her room at god knows what hour? Was there damn buzz around the ship that she fucked the turian even though she didn't even get to do the fun part of that?

On cure, her head shot a lightning bolt of pain through her forehead. Right. She shouldn't be thinking about there being a "fun part".

She spent her life a soldier, and only ended up with a rank because she hadn't died yet and, for some reason, people loved her speeches. They were always cheesy blends from all the war films she watched, but they seemed to work. Didn't mean she deserved a command for them.

Okay, well, ANya had to admit she was a damn good leader on the field and she could get nearly anyone through any firefight. But that didn't feel like enough, just being the one who stumbled into all this good praise.

Maybe it was about time she stumbled into something less praise-worthy, like getting frisky with her subordinates.

The second she thought the word frisky she wanted to vomit. And anyway, who was she kidding? No one gave a shit. Half the crew was placing bets on if Liara or Kaidan would get her into bed.

God, if anyone saw Garrus last night, that'd really fuck up the pool.

She hoped that, at the very least, they'd be annoyed with her for ruining their game. Garrus really didn't need all the bullshit that came with the crew thinking they were sleeping together. Because they weren't even sleeping together, so he didn't even get benefits from rumor bullshit like that.

Christ. _Benefits_. Her brain needed a fucking time out.

Anya didn't really have time for a time out, though, because she already was in the elevator, holding her breath. Time to face the music and hopefully make this the last awkward day between her and Garrus for a long time.

When she got down to the main battery, he was already working on the Mako like a surgeon. Anya walked over, trying to act like it was any other normal day. She kept her posture stiff, her hands tucked behind her back, and from the outside she probably pulled it off damn well. Ashley and Wrex probably thought nothing of it.

On the inside, though, she was screaming.

"Ah, Garrus? Can I talk to you?"

Garrus pulled so quickly out from under the Mako that he hit his head. He grimaced the entire time he was standing up, brushing his oily talon on his armor. He wasn't normally so messy, so it clearly was an awkward time here for everyone. "Shepard. You don't have to do that, I get that last night-"

"Sorry, my question wasn't really a request." Cocking her head to the other side of the Mako, away from prying eyes, he followed her. When they finally were still and she felt like she had enough of a sane head, she started talking, "I just wanted to apologize for my behavior. If I had any idea i'd act like that... Anyway, I'm your CO and I never should have gotten so personal with you. It won't happen again."

Garrus just had this complicated look on his face. "I appreciate the sentiment, Shepard, but I think you needed it." He sighed, not meeting her eyes, but still looking so serious. "If you need someone to talk to sometimes, I'm always here. You always have my back, I'm happy to have yours. The galaxy is an awful lot for one person to carry on their shoulders. And if it's knocking out bad guys or helping you carry the burden, I'm with you."

While his face and his company was so comforting, and hearing him support her smoothed down a lot of the panic seething in her gut, there was an important thing he didn't mention. And as much as she'd like to not mention it, she wasn't good at ignoring things. "And I see you've completely omitted that whole kiss thing. Good. We should probably never talk about that."

"Yeah, of course. Don't want this to turn into some interspecies awkwardness thing anyway."

Shepard laughed, but she knew it felt like it was choking through a damn stranglehold. Of course it would've been weird to come onto him, right? He wasn't into humans like that. Most Turians weren't. "Right. I think I was just lonely, please don't think too much about it-"

With this sly look in his eye, he cocked his head and asked, "Think too much about what?"

This time, real amusement bubbled out of her. Anya even snorted. Even if it meant crushing that fleeting crush of hers like she crushed Geth under the Mako, that smile of his and the way he spoke to her, funny and understanding, made it better. "Perfect. Now I guess I'll leave you to the Mako." Taking a deep breath, she added, "Still on for movie night in two days."

"Wouldn't miss it for the galaxy, Shepard."

While he seemed to stand easy next to her, something in the back of her head was just begging her to keep talking, to keep the silence away, banter enough so she could gauge his behavior and see if they really were alright again. Anya added, a little too quickly, "Okay, but if we run into Saren, we better miss it."

He didn't even seem to notice her jitteriness next to him, just was glancing back and forth between her and the Mako like he had something to do. But he still kept talking. "I dunno, I have a pretty great movie lined up for us." Garrus chuckled, but then added, "Don't worry, if we finally catch that son of a bitch, I bring our guns every Friday anyway."

"You _don't_."

Then he looked straight at her for the first time all morning, with that fire in his eyes. The one that made her ask him to join the Normandy in the first place. "Always gotta be prepared to bring a rogue spectre to justice."

"And this is why I have movie nights with you. You think of everything." Anya then took a deep breath, relieved. They were okay. Patting his shoulder, she instead focused back on being what she was good at: a soldier. "I planned to do some target practice this morning. Wanna join?"

Just as she was ready to hop into the elevator and try to beat him at snipers again, his expression wavered. Her stomach fell through the floor. "I.. I really gotta finish up work on the Mako. Have fun, though. I'll see you with everybody at dinner." And, too smoothly, Garrus sat down on his mechanics bench and slid right below the Mako again.

Anya couldn't bear to get caught standing there, staring at him, even though she could've stuck her stunned ass there for way too long. Instead, she swallowed her pride and remembered that she was trying to put things back to normal, right?

With a flick of her head and a sharp bite of the inside of her cheek, Anya re-adjusted her dejected posture and looked to the other people in the room. They had to be her focus now; they were all friends here, just friends, nothing else. So anyone could shoot with her and it wouldn't matter.

Using her Commander voice, louder and more confident than normal, Anya said, "Wrex. Williams. Target practice?"

Across the room, she watched the other woman's face light up. "Hell yeah, Commander."

Wrex just said, "Don't tell me what to do." But then he picked up his favorite guns and headed towards the elevator.

Perfect. She didn't need Garrus to want to do everything with her. It probably would just help her kill these drunk feelings she had, and she could start by proverbially putting them on a target and shooting them out.

Anya Shepard was out here to take down Saren, and she didn't have time for drama.

Walking behind Wrex and Ashley, they passed Kaidan and he had this expectant look in his eyes. But looking at him looking at her like that?

Well, Anya walked right by him, too. She didn't need that drama anymore, either.

The only thing she had time for was being Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, hope for humanity, and the woman who would take down Saren. Yeah, that sounded about right.

/


	3. Chapter 3: A Russian Ballet

When Anya Shepard felt lost in the world, she turned to ballet.

Despite being raised by a serious space-faring military woman, her mother brought up young Anya like she could relocate them to her home country at any moment. Oksana Shepard wasn't too sentimental, but she was sentimental about that.

Anya always assumed that losing a husband will do that; bind you to nostalgic traditions.

So, sure, as a child she had several matryoshkas and Oksana tried her best at borshch or pirozhkis during the holidays. Not because they were exactly holiday food, but her mother always said they reminded her of home.

Funny enough, Oksana never took enough leave to take Anya to Russia herself. Their relationship was... complicated, but Shepard still relied on it.

And between the fact her mother was also radio silent on a top secret mission and she was starting to feel the pressure and stress of finding Saren, she needed something to unwind. Soft sounds of classic Tchaikovsky rippling through her body helped.

Having the training room all to herself at such an early hour, with no one to look at her and think anything, really helped melt away the world. She could take a moment to breathe with her hands on the makeshift barre she always hid on her ships, stretching her legs and keeping her toe extensions straight, not her aim.

The world was nicer in these softer, precise movements. At least for a little while. She knew it didn't fix everything that was broken, but dancing did remind her that there was beauty in exercise and training and her life, not just brutality.

After seeing Liara's face the past few days post-Noveria, she couldn't help but spend a few hours with her last night, giving her the comfort she needed. They talked and played card games. Anya hoped that it helped, enough at least. But now, she needed serenity and peace. Because she couldn't keep helping people if she didn't get her brain together. Some days lately it felt like she was unraveling.

Anya Shepard was the Commander of this vessel and, despite all the mess she'd caused the last few days, flirtations with turians didn't change that. She needed to be in top shape for anything, including caring for her crewmates; her friends.

But just as she finished brushing up on her pirouette turns, the door opened and in came the face she didn't want to see. Blue eyes, tall shoulders, and all. Before he could even really look at her, the shock already radiating through his face, she shouted, "Out!"

Dear god, if there was anything she didn't want her subordinates seeing, it was her in a soft ballet skirt and a leotard. Grabbing her hoodie and sweats, she covered her suddenly annoyingly dainty outfit, hid her barre back behind some weights, and walked outside. Her arms were crossed and she was trying to keep her face from going red. She still wasn't quite sure if she was fuming or embarrassed.

The second the training room door was shut and it was only her and Garrus in the hallway, she frowned at the words flashing on the wall next to it. "Garrus, it says reserved for Shepard. Why would you just walk in-"

"I just wanted to talk to you." Garrus couldn't even look at her, keeping his eyes glued to the ground like she was a bloodlusting varren ready to bite. "I didn't realize you'd be doing any... intimate human rituals in there-"

Somehow, with that one clueless sentence, all her redness faded away and Anya tumbled into laughter. "Oh my god. No- Garrus, I was doing ballet. I was _dancing_."

"No offense, Shepard, but I've seen you dance. It isn't that."

"Stupid club dancing and ballet are different. Humans have many different ways to move to music."

Garrus peered at her like she just said something wild. Well, probably to a militaristic species several types of dancing probably was pretty wild. "Are you just making something up to not make this weird?"

"Have I ever been that great at elaborate lies?" Anya chuckled, and then glanced at the training reservation. Still a half hour left. To hell with it, might as well prove her point.

Grabbing his hand, Shepard opened the training room door back up. "It'll be easier if I just show you."

"I'm not sure-"

"Shut up, it's not some sort of sex ritual. Why would you even think that?"

That's when the door shut behind him and her best friend looked so very trapped, his eyes getting shifty at her question. Garrus coughed and acted like a cornered prey animal. "I, uh... I mean, you weren't wearing much clothing, and your legs kept... You know what, I don't understand human dancing, clearly, so don't ask me what the hell I thought."

While Anya could spend all day crossing her arms, smirking at his adorable awkwardness, the double time beating that her heart was doing needed to cut it out. They decided on just friends, right? This was something that could've easily happened before Noveria with no weird, sexual connotation to it.

Unzipping her hoodie and taking slower breaths to hopefully chill her heart the fuck out, Anya refocused. "Fine, I'll let it pass. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to educate you on human dancing."

"I know you said it's not sexual, but you're taking your clothes off and I feel confused."

Anya wanted to toss her sidearm at his forehead. Instead, she gestured for him to sit on the stack of training mats across from her. "Less fabric and weight means smoother motions. Stop turning my soothing hobby into a night at Chora's Den." Garrus shut up then, and rightfully so. If he spent one single second more making her feel like a stripper she was going to kill him.

Either of embarrassment or rage, she wasn't sure. Apparently that was a confusing set of emotions for her.

Once she was down to her ballet garb again, she put her feet in fifth position and gave him a pointed look. "Okay, we're starting with ballet. Ballet is based on precise and formal positioning, steps, and moves. That's what my mother trained me in when I was little. I'll give a tiny demonstration." Anya did a chasse twirl, a stylized kick, and a classic fifth position changement (switching her feet midair).

Garrus looked perplexed and a little impressed, but mostly because Anya was pretty sure he had no clue what he was looking at. Trying to stifle some giggles, she went back to her original spot. "There's also tap-" she did some flaps and a kick ball-change, "but it's normally done with shoes that have metal on them so it makes a sound. There's also dances from different cultures, like my Russian ancestors were known for this, called the prisyadka:" Anya started doing the goofy, stereotypical low to the ground, Russian squat kick. When she was done, her sides were hurting, how much she was laughing. Garrus was staring at her like she morphed into a completely different alien species. "There are a lot of other dances, but I just wanted to give you some examples."

When she sat down next to him, he was frowning, his world seemingly turned upside down. Which was fair. She guessed if she didn't know dancing her whole life she'd be pretty baffled, too. After a long minute of waiting for him to speak, Garrus just said, "Humans are... weird. So do you just stand in front of each other and do that? Or is it meant to be a more... private thing?"

Anya found herself shrugging. "For me, I use ballet to relax. But for most people it's to perform. Some people find dancing very entertaining. My favorite when I was younger, though, was dancing with other people."

"That sounds even more absurd than anything I'd seen before." Anya raised an eyebrow at him and Garrus grumbled at her, knowing she was dissecting his statement. "I know people dance together at bars, but I meant what you just showed me."

"Well, what I just showed you can have partnered dancing, but I think it's a little too high concept for you. Let's try something else."

This time when she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the center mat, Garrus clenched up further. "I don't know if I'm exactly prepared for your kind of dancing. No sexy suit."

"Next time you call my ballet wear a "sex suit" I'm going to punch you straight through your visor. And no, this is a very simple dance. But it's different, and as punishment for interrupting my ballet practice without knocking, you have to do it."

Garrus groaned, finally in the center of the room, standing tall in front of her. She tried not to focus on his shoulders. What was it with his shoulders? It was either because she looked there when she was avoiding eye contact or they made her feel-

Anya preferred not to finish that thought.

With discomfort writhing down his plates, Garrus asked, "Commander's orders?"

"Of course."

He shook his head. "I don't know why I asked. They always are." Scratching the back of his neck, he looked her up and down. Anya decided she was going to interpret that as him acknowledging that her clothes were just for dancing. Definitely that. The out of his element turian asked,"So what next?"

"It's called a waltz. To start, you take my hand, and you put the other one right above my lower back. Then I put my hand on your... shoulder." Ignoring her own stuttering on the famed, not to be named body part of his, Anya instead focused on Garrus. His looks of bewilderment were becoming a sort of drug, and she loved every new one. But he let her place his hands properly and then she stepped a little closer to him, just so they could be a comfortable distance for flexible movement.

That's what she kept telling herself, anyway.

They spent some time directing his feet, and the more Garrus stepped on her toes, the more he loosened up and seemed to be enjoying himself. Vakarian always looked tense these days, and not just because of their Noveria encounter. Saren's plots were weighing down on everyone.

Anya didn't want to acknowledge how her chest felt, all warm and knotted and unkempt all at once, seeing him laugh and smile. She was just his best friend, helping him remember that under all these galaxy-changing missions they were still people.

It was nice to see him as he was, a serious turian with a talent for sarcasm, but who could be a real goof when you caught him off guard.

Just as he was finally starting to get the steps, and her toes were feeling a little less sore, she was remembering his horrified face when he came in. And then she realized she completely glossed over something he said. Slowing down their twirling, she asked, "I just remembered: what were you going to ask me when you unceremoniously barged in here?"

While Garrus was smirking at his feet, happy to be finally figuring it out, the second she stopped talking his face panned up to hers and he wasn't very happy anymore. He even dropped her hand and just stood there. Guess their dancing was over.

Anya's own smile fell away and Garrus went stiff again, too quickly. "Right. I was going to warn you that Kaidan and Liara are planning on confronting you about their feelings. Neither of them seem to think you don't like them, even though you avoid Liara's affections and that night... well, Kaidan didn't seem to think that night meant anything."

Everything pleasant about the training room shattered. Between the concept of two of her officers jumping her for love confessions and the phrase "that night didn't mean anything,'' everything stabbed right through her chest and her lungs and her heart. She felt like a taxidermied butterfly, for fuck's sake. That night didn't mean nothing; like hell it didn't. For her it changed everything. Even if she couldn't do anything about it.

Looking away from those bright blue eyes, she stepped backwards. _She shouldn't be dancing with him either, should she?_ She was just making it worse. "Thanks for the warning, Vakarian. I- I should take care of that."

"I didn't mean to ruin your dancing."

Anya shook her head as hard as she could, because for some dumb reason her tear ducts felt so heavy right now. And of all goddamn things, she did not need that. She'd already been too much of a squishy idiot in front of him. "Don't worry about it. I enjoyed it while it lasted." Pulling on her overclothes again, Anya added, "If you could, keep the ballet to yourself? It's not really something I share with people."

Garrus looked so distant, and she could've sworn it seemed like he didn't want to be. But that didn't make sense, did it? He didn't want to be the third party vying for her affections. He made that clear.

Funny thing was, he was the only one with an actual shot at winning them.

Before she left the room, Garrus started talking again. She used to enjoy everything he said; the past few days, she wasn't sure anymore. His eyes soft and bright, his head cocked in that friendly way that just felt so inviting, he said, "Thanks for sharing it with me."

Anya didn't mean to sound so bitter when she said, "I always accidentally end up sharing everything with you, don't I?"

He didn't respond to that. Shepard was okay with it. She didn't really think any answer would change the fact that it was true and, unlike before Noveria, it didn't seem like either of them were all that comfortable with it anymore.

But the possible crumbling nature of their friendship didn't matter, and neither did the two clueless, hopeless romantics ready to ambush her. She didn't do ballet today for them or Garrus, anyway. She did it for herself, to ready her body and mind for the battle coming. They were a few hero stops away from Virmire, and she needed to be prepared to do anything to stop Saren.

Anya was all amped up, ready to tell the two people pacing by her room that she didn't see them like that. That these emotions needed to take a backseat to the mission at hand. That their kind, friendly faces that she did love didn't matter to her the way the wanted.

But she couldn't handle it. Instead, at the last moment she veered to engineering, where Tali would happily hide her until they got tired of waiting.

She did not need anymore heartbroken, lovelorn soldiers on her mission. They could wait until Saren was done. Everything and everyone had to. Taking down Saren was all that had to matter.

/

**Author's Note: **

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :)


	4. Chapter 4: Drunken Heroes

After all her damned talk of avoiding booze forever, here she was, taking her whole crew to get wasted at a bar.

To give herself credit, this was 100% about letting her friends blow off steam before they headed to Virmire, not about her. She didn't even have any plans to drink, just play babysitter and have some fun with them. After all they'd done for the mission, they deserved some shore leave.

Anya almost wished she could be as hyped as Ash was. The soldier kept talking about how she was itching for a good Citadel blue cocktail mixed with classic Russian Vodka. Kept on saying she'd call it "The Shepard".

She stuck back, watching Ash drag Tali, Ash, Joker, Liara, Kaidan, and Garrus to the bartender. The only one left was her favorite cranky Krogan, an old man among youths. But he already knew that without her pointing that out. He chuckled low next to her, "You look like a mother Varren with her pups."

"What, do I look like I'm gonna eat them?"

Wrex grumbled with distaste, but Anya felt pretty satisfied, annoying him. "Varren are dedicated to their young. And so are you, Mother Shepard."

Anya nearly gagged at the thought. Her, a mom? Hardly. She was just a pathetic lonely soldier who had friends for the first time in a long time. A hard mission does that to people; it bonds them. "I'd prefer you never call me that again."

"No promises."

"What do you even do at a bar?"

While Wrex barely reacted, she knew his was peering at her with confusion. "I drink, just like everyone else."

"I can't picture it."

"Well if you need a picture, I'll be over there, drinking ryncol. I'll tell the waitress you're buying." Wrex patted her back and walked off without any confirmation.

Under her breath, Anya grumbled, "I mean, I am buying, but you could've asked..." She just shook her head and accepted the inordinate amount of credits she was about to lose on that tab. But at least, when she turned to look back at the bar, her entire crew seemed to be enjoying themselves. Ash was being the leader of the pack. Liara was sticking closing, admiring the entertainment, and Tali looked like she was roped into being her wingman.

Garrus, of course, was the one in some sort of arm wrestle with Kaidan while Joker egged them on. Who knew what the hell that was about.

Shepard just nabbed a glass of water and joined Liara in watching Ash try to flirt with guys and/or flirt with them for Tali, who seemed far less interested. She noticed T'Soni stiffened up a little the second she sat down, but she tried to ignore it. "Everyone looks like they're having a good time, huh?"

"Absolutely. I've never seen Gunnery Chief Willaims so loud. Not outside of a firefight, at least."

Though she didn't mean to, every time she sat down next to her crew, she turned full Commander mode. And Liara's somber mood was a prime target. "I know you said you were doing better, but how are you really holding up?"

Staring down at her glass, Liara kept on looking at the liquid in it like it would say something profound to her. Anya remembered that look; probably a little too well. "Worse than I expected. Benezia and I weren't close for a long time. I knew losing her would be hard but not like... this. I feel like a fundamental part of me is now being washed away a little more every day and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

Anya normally wasn't one for opening up deep, old wounds, but she couldn't just let Liara sit there, haunted and alone, on their last night of peace before the storm. She was very deliberate in putting her palm gently on Liara's shoulder and not her hand. "After Akuze, I used to have a drinking problem. Or lack of drinking problem. I'd used to come here, buy the drink my squad used to always get, and stared down into it until the bar was empty and I was kicked out. It was like I was trying to find meaning to fill that empty space in me. But nothing really fills it. You just find other things that give you meaning and eventually they motivate you more than the emptiness does."

Before Shepard could react, Liara put her own hand on hers and was giving her this sweet smile. "Thank you, Shepard."

Anya pulled her hand away and scooted an inch or two back, trying to diffuse any cute moment Liara might've thought they were having. "I'm here to help anytime. That's what friends do."

After she said that, Anya didn't want to look up and cringe at the disappointment painted on Liara's face. It already fucked her up inside. But when she did finally look up, she felt a lot more weird feelings than she meant to.

Sure, there was Liara's conflicted face, but past her ear Anya could see the boy band of Joker, Garrus, and Kaidan sitting around a table and laughing. Well, they were, but then a female turian walked up and looked at Garrus like he was a snack.

Not that she fully disagreed but that wasn't the damn point.

While she didn't mean to go comatose, and she was pretty sure Liara might've said something, she felt like everything blacked out except him. And he was doing that awkward smiling thing, and she could tell he was flustered, and she could tell the turian was hitting on him. And where the bro in her was happy for him, that fucked up part of her that woke itself up on a Noveria bar had its eyes wide open and was screaming.

Before she could make any expressions that made her make a fool of herself, and so she didn't have to look at it anymore, Anya went to staring down into the glass of water in front of her.

"By the goddess, how did I not notice?"

Shepard shook her head and gave Liara her best clueless look. Oh boy, how she didn't want her to be noticing what she thought she might have noticed. ANya asked, "Notice what?"

Even though there was this sadness in her eyes, there was also clarity. Liara said it so plainly that it hurt, "You have feelings for Garrus."

Anya covered Liara's mouth with her hand and closed her eyes, like if she wished it hard enough she'd wake up and this nightmare would be over and no one would know her dumb, dirty little secret. "No, nope, I don't. You saw nothing."

"And your cheeks are even getting red. I never-"

Giving up, because clearly her cover-up skills were piss poor, Shepard just held her hands and tried not to look too desperate. It was embarrassing enough. "Please don't talk about it. He doesn't feel the same way and it doesn't matter. You're all my friends and we're on a mission and that's what we need to focus on."

Liara frowned, but didn't seem too keen to pry. "I won't make you talk more, mostly because I feel embarrassed for chasing after you now, but if you need to talk, I'm here."

If Anya was in peak Commander mode, she'd stay shut up, let it end at that, but after so much time keeping it to herself and feeling so frustrated, and now seeing him get looked at like that by some attractive turian... Well, maybe she'd be better off not keeping it inside. "He's my best friend, Liara. It complicates everything."

"Clearly people think that complication is worth it. And here I was, hoping it was me."

"I'm sorry, Liara."

"It matters more to me that you stay my friend."

Of all the stupid things tonight, that made her smile. Even under all the "getting caught looking at Garrus" embarrassment. "That's what matters to me, too. And not just with you, with him."

"I can understand that."

Anya winced and kept her eyes down, not wanting to look at Garrus, knowing he probably was flirting back. He had every right and... And, well, it wasn't like he owed her anything. They said it didn't happen, she was just a squishy human, and they'd just stay friends, right? "So, I'd just prefer we talk about other things to distact me from saying anything dumb about Garrus Vakarian-"

"Somebody saying my name?"

Startled, Anya jumped in her chair and almost fell off. Liara started giggling like the funniest shit just happened, but hearing him pop up behind he was so unfair. More unfair was the fact she noticed his hand was holding her chair straight. Anya just sunk down into it, real low, and tried to hope that Saren would take her down with him. At least it was an honorable death.

Lucky for Shepard, Liara winked at her and saved her ass. "We were wondering who won the arm wrestling, you or Lieutenant Alenko. The Commander was betting on you, even though I said Kaidan would win."

"You wound me, Liara."

Trying to act casual, Anya raised an eyebrow. "So who won, then?"

Garrus scratched the back of his neck and admitted, "Okay, fine, Alenko won. But only because he's a dirty cheat and used biotics."

She didn't know what it was about his wounded pride, but it helped unwind all the knots she'd put herself in. Anya patted his shoulder, saying, "Don't worry, you're still my number one turian."

"He's not a turian and I'm your only turian. That statement means nothing, but sure, thanks, Shep."

Watching him scowl at her, like nothing was weird or wrong, it made her laugh in a way that vibrated throughout her entire body. But maybe she also didn't want to admit how much it warmed her up, knowing he turned the flirting turian down and came over here to her.

After she got out her nerves and laughed like that, the rest of the night was a fun blur. The crew started sharing embarrassing stories of first kisses and first posts, and they all danced and Tali made fun of her for being terrible. Garrus was the only one who gave her a wink during that, because he knew her actual skills. Not like she was going to tondue at a club, though. And then later they even got Wrex to join in on an argument on who had the wildest battle scars. No surprise, the Krogan won. But Joker's surgery scars almost gave him a run for his money.

That night, she was the one helping carry Ash back to the Normandy while everyone else was walking or stumbling in front of them. Everyone enjoyed themselves, but Ash was definitely the one that hit the booze the hardest.

But Anya didn't mind too much. She saw how Ash made everyone smile and brought them together. The spitfire would be a great leader someday, once she got more experience under her belt.

Leaning into her shoulder, the Gunnery Chief started to mumble. "We're going to save the galaxy, Shep. I'll get to be a hero. The Williams name is gonna go down in history for great reasons this time."

Anya held onto Ash's side, tight, and said, "You're going to be a great hero, Ash. Probably a better one than me. You don't have the baggage weighing you down."

When Ash laughed, it bubbled through her body and almost shoved them too close to the railing. Garrus gave her a look, like asking if she wanted help, but Anya shook her head. She and captain realism didn't need to burst Ash's hopefulness here. It was honestly kind of nice to hear someone talk about the future like this. Ash wasn't thinking about dying; just about the good she'd do.

How could Anya not admire that?

"I'm gonna have a tough time beating you, Shep, but I'll do my best."

"You better. Second human Spectre, Ashely Williams, Sounds good, right?"

Ash was still so wobbly. Anya wasn't quite sure she'd remember any of this in the morning. That only made it so much easier to compliment her. "Don't get crazy, Commander." She rolled her eyes in a very exaggerated way, but then hiccuped so hard some of her hair fell out of her bun. "But yeah, it kinda does sound good."

"Well, let's get back on the Normandy and make you a hero, Ash." When she finished carrying Ash onto the ship, she kept on seeing the drunk cadet she used to be, laughing with her friends anytime they got shore leave, all swapping stories on how they'd become heroes. None of them would've ever guessed Anya'd get it because they all died. She'd gained honor in an awful, horrible way. But she hoped Ash could become someone great by her side, instead.

That was one of the few things she'd enjoy seeing, at the end of all this.

/

**Author's Note: **

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :)


	5. Chapter 5: A Grave On Virmire

_But not like this._

Standing on that bridge, all she could see was Akuze all over again. Swatches of blood and teeth streaked across her vision and before she knew it, all her friends were dead. It couldn't be happening again. She couldn't let it happen again.

Next to her, Tali laid a gentle hand on her arm and said, "Shepard?"

That's when Anya had to remind herself that these friends weren't dead, not yet. And she had to make a choice. A horrible choice, but making no choice would be worse. But she didn't want to make her friend a hero like this.

Ashley was protecting a bomb that would go off with or without her. Kaidan had a whole team with him, and they'd risked their lives to make sure her part of the mission was successful. Furthermore, they had intel on Saren and the Geth that could be invaluable to the war that might be coming. By the numbers, there was only one choice.

It didn't mean she didn't feel like total bullshit about it. After all her promises, and Shepard had to fail her. Taking a deep breath, Anya said, "Ash, I'm-"

"Don't sweat it, Commander. Save them. I would."

There was so much more Anya wanted to say, to apologize for, to get a proper goodbye with her friend. But then Kaidan and Kirrahe were on the other line screaming for help and she had to go, or they'd die, too.

As she started to run away from the bomb site, she yelled into her comms, "You're one of the best damn soldiers I ever met, Ashley Williams."

"Thanks, Shep."

Before she cut her own comms off, she added. "Give 'em hell." Because she didn't know what else to say.

After that, everything was so blurry. Her blood was practically boiling, shooting at Saren. He was the reason all of this was happening. He killed Nihlus. He killed Benezia. He killed Ashley. And he didn't give a damn.

Well, Anya was going to make sure that her pistol to the back of his skull would change that.

But then the coward ran off with his Geth the second he realized she was putting real dents in him. Wrex had to hold her back from trying to throw herself at their ship, but for thirty seconds, he helped her smash every collapsed Geth left on the platform. That is, until Joker showed up with the Normandy. Then Wrex and Tali dragged her towards the ship because Virmire was blowing up.

Shepard didn't mean to kick or scream when they did it. Smashing robot heads was all she had when she couldn't go back and get Ash. And being pulled onto the Normandy made it real and she didn't want that.

She always hated that her Commander's choices helped let her live while everyone else ended up dead. And now she did the same damn thing to someone who looked just like the patriotic soldier she used to be. Anya wasn't sure what that meant about who she'd become, and she definitely wasn't proud of it. But, duty called, right?

When she got in the Normandy's cockpit with everyone else, all she wanted to do was curl up on the ground and cry. But the second she glanced at her team? Wrex was destitute and looked ready to storm off, Liara was tending to Kaidan's arm wound and they were holding each other, Tali was sitting close to Joker at the front console. And Garrus? He was leaning against the wall, staring into the corner.

She got her freedom to let loose down there. Now that they could all breathe and realize what they'd lost, it was time for her to step the fuck up and be the Commander.

As the Normandy soared up into the sky, she could see the complex slowly exploding below them. And it made it harder to watch, knowing that they were seeing Ash blow up, too. Kinda ruined any real feelings of victory. But she couldn't stand letting them walk away feeling empty. Before anyone could leave, Anya spoke to her crew. "We've just lost good people down on that planet. And now we're chasing down Saren to save the galaxy. Take the little time we have to grieve, but then be ready to give 'em hell when we get there. For Ash."

People nodded around her. No one cheered or anything, but it seemed to take a weight off their shoulders. After all, with one speech she took some of their pain and made it hers. It was what a good commander did. As each of them walked past her, she patted shoulders and said as many positives as she could.

She wanted to cry, too, but she didn't have the time for it. The least she could do was alleviate their suffering and guilt.

Once everyone else walked by her, all that was left in that narrow hallway was her and Garrus. He brought his brooding next to her and said, "You don't have to keep up that face with me. I want to help you carry the burden, remember?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I have to let you."

"I know Ash meant a lot to you. You have a soft spot for headstrong soldiers who don't always do what they're told. Wonder why."

Anya laughed, but it hurt on the way down. "Can it, Vakarian."

"At least I got you to laugh."

Looking up at him, Anya could see how desperate he was to help her. But right now wasn't a time she could let him. "Honestly? If I stop focusing on Saren and actually talk about what I'm feeling, I'll start crying or screaming. And I don't know how long it'll take me to stop. So if you're really feeling like doing the emotional baggage stuff, buy me a drink after this and I'll cry for you."

"I thought we weren't doing drunk again."

Anya scoffed, remembering herself falling all over him. "I'd rather deal with being a drunken embarrassment than keeping all this bottled up inside. Losing Ash is just too... And you could say I don't need alcohol for that, but if I'm gonna be honest I don't know if I can let go without it."

"Shepard-"

"Yeah, I know. Sounds pathetic."

"No. Sounds like a lot of pain." His put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder. It was more comfort than she'd like to admit. "You know what? If it helps, I'll risk the booze again, too."

"Now we just have to make it outta here alive."

"For a chance to know all your dirty secrets and regrets? I'll shoot Saren myself. Granted, I would do that anyway. Always was one to go for the killshot." Garrus walked off, but for the rest of the night he seemed to keep an eye out for her, while the crew had dinner and avoided the pain of losing Ash. In some ways, it was endearing. In others, exhausting.

After all, she wasn't supposed to be thinking about him too much. That was the rule here. Anya was kinda breaking it when she couldn't stop thinking about going to a quiet place and just letting him hold her so tightly that her painful thoughts might have time to shut up.

So, she almost felt relieved when she got back to her room. Sure, she was just pouring over all the intel she could and it wasn't relaxing at all, but it was better than having to be strong. The night had been long and it was just nice to be alone, frown, and do what she needed to do to be prepared for tomorrow.

The fate of the galaxy could change tomorrow. No pressure or anything.

By morning she'd be facing off with Saren on a Prothean world, Ilos, trying to stall these so-called Reapers wanting to destroy the galaxy. It all sounded like an insane nightmare cooked up as "The worst case scenario threat to happen on the first day of Spectres".

Well, Anya Shepard had all the luck, didn't she?

After an hour or two, she couldn't learn anything else from their tactical plans or the geographical readings, so she was just stuck sitting there and waiting. She probably shouldn't be, though. If anything, Anya should be getting some rest.

But hard to get some rest when you know you buried your friend a few hours ago and didn't have the time to fall the fuck apart about it. Ash was someone who deserved for Anya to lose all her shit when grieving.

She could still remember picking her up on Eden Prime, and how elastic and eager she was to join up, to stop the bad guys. Ashley had an opinionated bite to her, but she was still a soldier who wanted to do good things. Garrus was right. She reminded Anya of the person she used to be before the suicide missions started.

Only a few minutes into thinking about Ash, Anya was regretting it. Well, she didn't regret it. But she knew there was only so much thinking and pushing she could do before tonight was about Ash, not prepping herself for Saren.

And it was bullshit that she had to push thoughts of Ash away, but the state of the galaxy was bullshit right now, and so was the fact that she was hunting down a person who was supposed to help save it.

So, instead she just was staring up at her ceiling, shoving the memory of Ash's face away, trying to picture an ending where every other member of this crew was safe and everything wasn't in peril anymore.

But just as she was starting to do a damn good job at keeping the fatalism away, there was a knock at her door. Considering the lateness, Anya was a little perplexed. All of her people were supposed to be asleep.

Opening the door, the metal slid open to show a messy haired Kaidan Alenko with shaky hands. Anya didn't even know what to say. Her neurons fried and fused the second his brown eyes met hers, looking desperate. "Shepard. I- I was wondering if we could talk."

Her hands were still at her side; she could barely move a molecule. Seeing him like this came out of left field. If anyone checked on her tonight, she would've assumed it would be-

Well, maybe it was about time she stopped assuming things. She assumed she was going to be Ash's mentor, and look how that worked out.

After a moment of staring at him like she just got a shot of nerve poison, Anya nodded, her loose hair shaking around her face, trying to be less on edge. He could just be here as a friend, right? Maybe he just needed a pep talk. "Yeah, sure. Come in."

Kaidan walked past her like he was afraid to touch her, and Shepard hoped to take that as a good sign. She shut the door behind him and asked, "The mission get to your nerves?"

Her handsome lieutenant chuckled and turned back to look at her with this uncertain smile. "You could say that." Before Anya could get in another word, Kaidan stepped towards her and the mood of the conversation started changing. It got intimate. And she didn't like it. "It's all just so much. Saren, the Geth, Reapers... I knew when I joined the Alliance that things would be dangerous and I was proud to be apart of it. But now we've lost Ash, and now there's... I just can't wrap my head around the fact this might be the last night I'm alive. Or the last night I ever have a chance to tell you how I feel."

Suddenly, Anya felt suffocated. Kaidan had proverbial hearts in her eyes and she wanted to scream. She cared so much about him and she couldn't stand putting him in a bad headspace right before Ilos, but this couldn't be happening. He couldn't be stepping towards her and looking so in love when the only person she even sort of wanted to see tonight was not him.

Hell, even if Garrus Vakarian never walked into her life and made it more confusing, she still wouldn't want this.

"Shep- Anya. I just want to-" And then Kaidan did the unthinkable. He closed the space between them, went to grab her waist, and tried to pull her in for a kiss. Her entire body recoiled and, before she could try to let him down gently, her fist let him down very, very heavily.

When her hand collided with his face, Kaidan fell to the floor. Anya felt instant regret. Reaching for his hand, he just looked up at her with this gaping horror. It made her feel like more of a monster than she already felt today. "Kaidan, I'm sorry. I just..." He stood up on his own and looked like he'd been betrayed. "I don't see you that way."

"But you always came to see me-"

Anya wanted to be kind, but she was so frustrated and over all of this. She'd been tiptoeing around her own ship for weeks. "I came to see _everyone_. I should've told you to back off sooner, I know, but I wanted to focus on this mission. I never thought it would get to this point." She pressed her face into her hands and then added, "For christ's sake, Alenko, I'm your CO, how did you think showing up to my room would go? The fate of the galaxy is at hand. I care a lot about you, but this... I should've put you in line before, but I have to do it now."

Kaidan rubbed his jaw, but there were no marks forming. Luckily the punch was a surprise to Anya herself. It wasn't a very good one. "I get it. I'm an idiot. Sorry for bothering you."

Before he could pass by her, Anya grabbed his arm and met his brown eyes. "Just because I don't feel that way doesn't mean I want you getting hurt tomorrow. Remember that."

"On your order, Commander." Then he pulled himself out of her grasp and left the room. Shepard just watched him go and kept staring in that direction long after he left. The whole thing was so surreal.

_Fuck. _

As much as Anya just wanted to get her head straight and remember her priorities, her thoughts were swimming. Left alone, all she'd have was Kaidan's face plastered in her mind all night. She couldn't do that for hours, just worry about what she'd done to him.

Christ, who the fuck invented romance, anyway? It was bullshit.

What she needed right now was a distraction. And not just any, but a goddamn friend.

Anya knew who she wanted to be with right now, but she didn't know if it was a good idea. But if there was no booze and all she wanted was a friend tonight anyway, what could the harm be?

Getting on her datapad, she sent GV a message. _Can't sleep. Cards in my room?_

When she started to put her pad down, she didn't expect it to vibrate with a response back before she could even put it away. _Me neither. Be there in a sec._

While Anya couldn't ignore the butterflies in her stomach, she realized they didn't really matter right now. Well, they mattered. They still were doing a Russian ballet all across her stomach lining.

But what mattered was this night was shit, and despite all her platitudes she was terrified, and her best friend was going to come over and make it better. That, or at least help her forget for awhile.

This time, when her door pinged at her, she opened it with a relieved smile. And there he was, tall shoulders, bright blue eyes, and all the familiarity she needed. "Need a friend for the end of the galaxy?"

Shepard nodded and welcomed him in. "Always."

/

**Author's Note:**

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :)


	6. Chapter 6: The Savior of The Citadel

Anya Shepard doomed the council. And worse, she knew that others would call it a bid for human interests. But sacrificing the Destiny Ascension meant that more people could live, and those still trapped in the Citadel could be protected.

At least, that's what she kept telling herself as she stood next to Saren's bloody husk corpse and watched everything explode outside the window, hoping what she just did was worth it.

She didn't know if she could live with herself if her choices didn't mean something. There were already way too many graves tied to the decisions she'd made.

Like hell she knew this would be her fate when they were coming up the turbolift to fight Saren. It would have been harder to know she had something damning in common with the turian she was about to face, but she doubted he felt as much compassion and guilt as she did.

In all honesty, all she thought about on the way up was how much she wanted to watch the fucker burn.

Then those turbolift doors opened and she, Wrex, and Garrus darted up those council steps that she had a Pavlovian association with disappointment and frustration. Anya could feel it building up in her as they got closer and closer.

Taking that last step to the council's podium, there he had been. And that time, after all the damnable near misses, she didn't give him a shot. Much like he did to Nihlus, Shepard put on her Infiltrator cloak, stood right behind him, and fired her pistol.

Anticlimactic, but so damn satisfying to see him drop like a rock. He didn't deserve a grand fight. He deserved to fall down without the luxury of final words.

Well, then Anya turned around and everything outside was burning and they were asking her to make the call. Thousands of Alliance soldiers and Citadel civilians, or the hundreds of people protecting the council. All she saw were the numbers and the innocence and she made it.

But it was over. It had to be over.

Of course it wasn't fucking over, but she wanted it to be. Something grabbed her leg, though, and crashed her down into a lower decks area. The creature before her had Saren's face, but it was dripping blue blood and was now three times her size. It looked like a goddamn demon with the skin texture of as husk. Wrex and Garrus dropped down to help her and that's when a real bastard of a fight began.

Sovereign just had to go and play god with Saren, didn't he?

Shepard's mind started running on full adrenaline, dodging Saren's husk and protecting her team. Wrex got a wicked face slash and Garrus got thrown into a wall, but the asshole wasn't going to take anyone else from her.

She collapsed him under some pillars and hoped she'd make it out alive. Part of her wondered at the time if i'd be easier if she didn't; after all, her job was only going to get harder now.

But she pulled herself out of the rubble, even though her ears were ringing, and Garrus carried her back to them. Anya was struggling to keep her memory on track just walking back into the safer parts of the Citadel. She was pretty sure her ears were bleeding and everything was kinda blurry. It just was nice to have a trusted arm around her shoulder keeping her safe.

And now she was stuck in a very loud, very overwhelming meeting with Udina and Anderson and it felt like she was just floating above it all. The destroyed Presidium couldn't be real, right?

Hell, everything the past couples days felt so wrong.

"Shepard? Are you listening? What do you think?"

Anya's body jolted and she looked straight into Udina's very pissed off face. She ran a hand through her hair; during the Saren fight her normally immaculate bun ripped open and her hair was all over the place and probably matted with blue blood. Whoever the hell thought she was the most capable to answer anything must've lost their damn mind.

Still pressing a wet cloth to her split lip, Anya tried to salvage things. "No. Sorry. What did you ask?"

Udina rolled his eyes and made a disgusted noise like she was a petulant child, but repeated himself, "With the council gone, new leaders need to be put in place, ASAP. And with humanity at its best, we're going to be at the forefront."

"Okay? And how am I involved in this?"

Anderson looked pretty uncomfortable, but he kept his hands behind his back and looked at her seriously. It was at least nice someone treated her like an adult who deserved a spot at the table. She always appreciated that about Anderson; he looked at everyone that way. "With your new fame as the savior of the Citadel, people will look to your for guidance. So Udina wanted your vote on who should lead the council."

She didn't mean to, but Anya laughed so hard that her definitely bruised ribs hurt like hell. She even had to put her wet rag down on the railing to hold her sides so they didn't literally split. "Me? The closest thing I know to council level seniority are you two." Udina gave her a pointed look and her stomach fell through the glass floor. What made either of these men capable of the job? She adored Anderson, he was a mentor and a friend, but he was no politician. And Udina knew his politics, but he quickly fell into "humanity first" mindsets. And that shit wasn't going to be helpful for a galactic war.

And yet here they fucking were.

Running a hand through her hair again, and trying not to grimace when she definitely caught something in her fingertips, she tried her best to answer them, "While just picking between you two is the dumbest shit I ever heard, my vote would be Anderson. We're heading into a war, and we need people who can get our asses out of it at the helm." But with a deep, slightly beleaguered sigh, she added, "But don't go too far, Udina. I still think you should advise him and kick diplomatic ass. I'm sure Anderson will need a lot of help not clocking anyone."

While Udina didn't look happy, he at least looked slightly amused. "If you're sure. Now on the matter of the Destiny Ascension-"

"If the extranet's going to burn me alive, let them. I let them die out there. They should hold me accountable, even if the law never will."

Anderson furrowed his brow and reached for her hand. Anya didn't mean to wince away so quickly. Instead, he just gave her these sad, soulful eyes. They didn't make her feel any better. "Somebody had to make the call."

"Of course somebody did. And today, it was me. Doesn't make up for the people dead, though." Rolling her shoulders, Anya stood up straight, removed herself from leaning against the railing. It was time to soldier up. "Don't worry about me, Anderson. I can take it. Just make sure there's a damn good statue or something for Willaims, will you? Without her, no one would've made it."

They both looked like they had more to say, and even Udina looked concerned. Maybe they should be. She was now the first human Spectre who now had the galactic authority to name or kill councilmembers. That was fucking scary. But Udina just said, after getting serious frown face from looking at something from his wrist, "We will. Now, Admiral Shepard is on the extranet. Threatened to "sick her bear" on me."

The universe was damn bleak, but of course her mother could make it better with one sentence. Looking Udina, she let him in on the secret, "She means me. She calls me her baby bear. But a warning, if she'd told me to rough you up, I would."

Anderson chuckled, but Udina only did that awkward laugh thing where he really means that he hates soldiers and wishes he didn't have to interact with them as much. Anya couldn't really blame him. Picking up her helmet and holding it on her hip, she nodded and them both. "I'll be in your office using the screen to deal with mother bear."

After she got into Udina's office and left the men to, probably, argue, she let the neutral look on her face fall. She let her face go heavy; as heavy as it felt. Hell, it probably should be heavier. Today had been a long fucking day.

But she had one more thing to deal with: Oksana Shepard.

Anya inhaled deeply and then sat down at Udina's desk. One or two clicks and she was calling the infamous Admiral Shepard. Within seconds of starting the call, her mother's short, bright blonde hair, gray eyes, and scarred cheek. And somehow, on this dark fucking day, she was smiling. Trying to give her own best grin, Anya said, "Hello, Mama."

"Detenysh! My little one! Today was a good victory. You did good. How does it feel to have that rogue Spectre eating metal?"

Shaking her head, she always found it hard to talk straight in front of her mother. She was a warrior through and through. Sure, Anya was a warrior, too, but if there never was another war again and she was out of a job, she could probably live with that. Oksana couldn't. She answered as honestly as she could without starting a fight, "Good to protect people. Less good to know how many dead it took to take him down."

"They died honorably, Anya. That's all anyone can wish for." While she nodded, Anya couldn't help but wonder: _is it? _But then her mother continued, "I am so proud that my daughter is the savior of the Citadel. Your father would have been proud, too."

Anya didn't really know what to say to that. She'd never met her father. "I hope so. I made a lot of hard calls today."

"They are all preparing you for the great Admiral or General you will one day be."

A million old conversations swirled around in her head. "Mama-"

"I know, I know. You'll find your own path. It's just pure coincidence I was right about all of it so far."

The smug way her mom said it kinda pissed Anya off, especially with that smirk on her face, but she was going to let it slide today. "I'm just happy to see you."

"And I you, Detenysh. You're the reason all my men are okay and so many people made it out alive today. When they chose you for a Spectre, they chose right."

Feeling herself get a tad bit emotional, Anya rubbed her face and tried to shake the feeling away. "Shh. Enough of that." With a crash from outside and a loud yell, Shepard could tell Udina and Anderson were arguing again. She flashed her mother another smile before ending the call, even though she knew this might be the last she saw of her for awhile.

Happens when your mother's specialty always was undercover missions. "I have to go be a hero a little longer. I love you, Mama."

"I love you too, little one."

And then she was gone. Anya could get more emotional about it, probably even have a year's worth of therapy about how her mother often popped in to give her praise but never was a consistent parental force in her life. But she really didn't have the time for counseling right now, and at least her mother was okay. Honestly, Anya would take any good news from today that she could get.

Logging off, she stood back up and put back on her stronger face. It was time to play babysitter to the two men she just appointed to run the Council together.

Why did anyone let her make big decisions?

/

**Author's Note:**

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :)


	7. Chapter 7: Emotional Baggage

Udina and Anderson tried to convince Shepard to wear her N7 uniform to the memorial, to be an easily recognizable figurehead. But of all the "figurehead" shit they made her do the past week, this was the one she refused.

This memorial wasn't about her and her suit of armor. It was about those who weren't so lucky at the end of the battle.

This was about Ash.

So, Shepard wore simple black pants and a button up shirt. She didn't want to stand out at all. Not today, not when she was the one who made the call that meant Ash couldn't be here. The main memorial was held in the Presidium- Udina and Anderson wanted people to be inspired by the up and coming reconstruction.

But afterwards, Anderson let her and the crew use his apartment as a more personal funeral for Ashley. She appreciated it, because they couldn't make it back to Earth for the one her parents were putting together. Though, she wasn't sure her parents would want her there. That, or they'd say the words "noble sacrifice" or "hero" too much and Shepard would have to find the nearest bar to burn that out of her brain.

No, they all just needed to remember her as a team. The past few months had changed all of them, and Ash was a huge part of that.

Of all people, Wrex was the first to talk about the Gunnery Chief. "Williams was an asshole when I met her, and maybe she was still an asshole by the time she was gone. But somewhere in between, we took a lot of shots together. It woulda been nice to take a few more with her."

Everyone clapped at the short speech, and even though it was only a handful of people, it was nice. Much like Ash would've preferred, there was an open bar and implied dancing later. Shepard really didn't feel like dancing, but if Ash goaded her, she would've.

But Ash wasn't here, was she?

Yeah, that one hurt like a motherfucker when she swallowed it down, watching Tali pull the rest of her crewmates get pulled into swaying to Ash's favorite songs. The unofficial wingwoman now became the leader, at least for one night.

Anya knew she wasn't being a great participant in the memories, but she had already done a rousing, Councilor edited speech about Ash and the others during the big memorial. Right now, she was spent and all she wanted to do was remember that Ash loved these people and she'd love this party and damn did she wish she was here.

While she didn't mean to leave as early as she did, Anya didn't know if she could keep up the strong hero facade much longer. Saren was gone and it was time to finally experience all the pain and feelings that had been gnawing at her heels. And she had to stop running.

But before she could slip out the door, someone grabbed her arm.

Anya looked up and two bright blue eyes were glaring down at her. "You said I'd get to help."

Staring back at Garrus Vakarian, his voice low and his grip firm, Anya couldn't keep fighting. Nodding, she let him walk out with her. They stopped by Flux to grab a bottle of classic Russian vodka before heading to the empty Normandy to do the whole feelings thing in her room.

She really didn't need the whole crew accidentally seeing her turn into an absolute disaster when they came back. She didn't even really want Garrus to see her like this, but the damned turian insisted. So, might as well prep him for the firing squad.

When they got into her room, Anya stopped dead the second the door closed behind them. She couldn't look at him, but she could already feel the pressure build on her face as she pictured the last time she heard Ash's voice. Whispering, she said, "It should've been me."

"What-"

Anya wrapped her arms around her shoulders, felt the tears run down her cheeks. It only burned worse. She got to cry about this shit, and Ash- "It always should've been me. There were better soldiers on Akuze that deserved to survive more than I did, but my Commander chose me to head back because of my tactical cloaking abilities. I got to run because I could hide. And with Ash, _I _should've made sure that mission was complete, not left it to a soldier who had so much less baggage to give the world. And the council. Why do I always end up alive when everyone else ends up dead?"

Garrus walked around her, stood in front of her, but she still wouldn't look. He seemed desperate not to push her, so he kept his hands to himself and tried to keep things simple. "Sounds like you're really struggling with that survivor's guilt."

"Of course it's survivor's guilt. Because I keep surviving and people I love keep dying. Hell, I don't even need to love them. It doesn't matter. If I love them, if I push them away, even if I fucking hate them. They're dead. People die in the military, I get it. But I've been on fifty missions where someone didn't come back. Twenty of them, it was more than one. Three of them, I was the only one left alive. I've watched more friends die than friends I have alive, by a painfully wide margin. I don't know if I can keep doing this, but everyone just keeps looking up to me like I'm some hero when really I'm just always the only one left."

This time, he stayed quiet. After a prolonged silence, he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. They were gentle and warm and more than she deserved. But she pressed her face into his shirt and balled her fists against his chest, holding onto the fabric like it was a lifeline. "Survivor's guilt is hard, but it's starting to feel like I'm the one killing people, Garrus. And I don't know if I can live with that."

"I can't change what hurts, and I can't bring those people back. But I can say that you don't bring people together because you're some angel of death. You bring them together because you're willing to fight the fights everyone else calls a lost cause." Anya finally looked up at him, with all his sharpness and angles and alien features, and only found someone that made her feel safe. The only person that really made her feel safe. Garrus continued, "You got a jaded C-Sec officer who probably would've gotten fired to drop everything and help stop the bad guy that he thought no one would stop. You did something I used to think might be impossible. You're hurt, and you're still a squishy human, but you're also still a hero that people would follow into hell."

Taking a deep breath, Anya added, "Yeah, but sometimes I wish they'd stop following me. And I think she could've been a better hero."

Garrus didn't say anything. Not because he agreed, because the way he tilted his face and eyes when she said that said otherwise. But because she was pretty sure he also knew that she didn't care if he disagreed with her.

Instead, he stepped back and picked up the vodka. "You didn't seem to need this to get out the feelings. Still wanna go for it?"

Anya shook her head, figuring if she could cry without the booze, there was no point risking it. "Nah. I'll save nectar from the motherland for a different occasion." Grabbing the bottle out of his hand, she put it on her shelf. She had no clue when she'd ever take it down, but she didn't really want to know.

"What made this time different?"

Turning back towards him, her eyebrows raised. She didn't know what he meant by that. "Hmm?"

"I mean what made you have to break down."

She didn't mean to laugh, not in such a sarcastic, dark way. But when she let out a snort and stopped, she thought she might as well tell him the truth. "I always break down afterwards. The only difference this time is that you were here, wanting to help put the pieces back together. I always used to do it by myself."

His eyes met hers and she couldn't tell what he was thinking. There was something sad and deep and soulful in the way he was looking at her. And then he started stepping towards her, and she didn't mean for her dumb heart to race or for her face to flush, but they did. Garrus probably just pitied her, just feeling bad about her sad life. But then he stopped mere inches in front of her and asked, "Why did you do it alone for so long?"

"Because until you, I didn't believe anyone when they said they wanted to help me."

If she didn't know better, she'd say things felt very warm in between them, almost electric. And the way he was looking down at her, it felt like he was so close, and she knew she shouldn't even think about leaning closer, but everything about him made her feel like...

Well, it made her feel like she had a home. And she hadn't felt that way in years.

But just as she closed her eyes and accepted the consequences of whatever was happening, her door pinged open and Joker walked himself over to her bed and laid down. Both her and Garrus jolted and just stared at him while he did it, but he seemed too drunk to give a damn.

The confused turian gestured to their pilot and asked, "Do I need to know something about you two?"

Anya was ready to throw Joker out the fucking airlock. "Yes. I mean, no. Nothing like you think." She tried to run a hand through her hair, but her damn bun was in the way. Right. She had put it up to be formal at the memorial. Pulling out the ties and pins, she then got the proper stress relief. Anya explained, "When at the Academy, Joker's condition meant he couldn't stay in the dorms like everyone else just in case he had a bone break. My mother taught when he went there, so he stayed with us. He's like my younger cousin, and he has a bad habit of hijacking my room whenever he gets drunk so that I can help make sure he didn't break himself. Or be there to help if he did."

Garrus tried to stay straight-faced, but even he wound up laughing. "So this has happened before?"

"Unfortunately. Even on this ship. I'm kinda surprised I haven't had to explain it until now."

They both just stared at the passed out Joker until Garrus sighed, seemed to accept the state of things, and sat down on her couch. On the left side, like he did every movie night. Anya tried to be casual sitting next to him, but her heart palpitations were still struggling to calm down. He had this perplexed look on his face. "So your mom was a teacher? I thought she was Navy."

"Not by choice. I was trying to rebel by not joining the Alliance. She was making a point to keep me close to it, even taking in a very enthusiastic flight student, to try to convince me otherwise. When she finally got her way after a few months, she left Joker and I the apartment and went back to being a Captain. She's a soldier, through and through."

"So you weren't kidding when you said she pushed you to be like her. Like my father pushed me."

"Absolutely not. And I've become everything she could ever dream, despite my attempts to just be a good person and not get too much attention."

"Sounds like one hell of a childhood. Is it a Russian thing? You talk about that Earth region you're from a lot and it seems... very intense."

"Not quite, she just happens to be a terrible stereotype of a super intense Russian women. But she's not all vodka and muscles and "for the motherland". She fell in love with an American, after all. John Shepard. Also an Alliance pilot, before he died. I think it's why she took such an unnatural liking to Joker."

"My father did that with my childhood friend, Panek. Always brought him with us on field trips to his office or military bases. Said he reminded him of his brother, a reckless young soldier who got himself killed during the Skyllian Blitz."

"And what happened to Panek?"

"Let's just say he was probably a bit too much like my uncle." Garrus leaned into the couch and, despite the loss that tinged his face, he almost seemed nostalgic talking about it all. Anya liked to hear him talk. "But my family isn't all difficult military men. I have Solana, my sister. I've mentioned her before. She's the responsible one, got into politics and interplanetary relations more than military, but she is also the pestering kind. Speaking of, I'll have to message her after this. Haven't done that this week and if I don't, she;ll give me hell."

When he laughed, it was filled with familial love and admiration and years of memories. Anya almost wished she had more of a traditional family. Before the Citadel, she couldn't remember the last time she heard from her mom. Was it when she got Spectre? Was there any time in between? And she definitely couldn't remember the last time they met face to face. But with all her musings, Garrus was giving her this serious look and said, "I already know Joker and you clearly don't talk like... Well, I see you're a different kind of close. But does him being around help?"

"Yeah. Even though I don't really know how to talk serious with him, I do know he'd do anything for me. Sure he might break his ribs in the process, but that's part of the charm."

"What was it like, having Joker as a roommate?"

"Absolutely insane. Picture how sarcastic he is now, but buried in an exhausting zeal for flying Alliance ships. I would wake up at 4 am, at least once a week, to him training or studying, even when he was piss drunk like tonight. My favorite time was when, totally plastered, Joker woke up my mother to try to give him access to the flying sims because he "needed to be prepared in any scenario". She let him, but then she also started making him do oddball scenarios for "just in case". And trust me, nothing is as terrifying and funny like Joker flying a ship and getting perfect marks while completely naked."

Even though Garrus didn't have a drink, he looked about ready to spit one out. His eyes darted back and forth from the passed out drunkard on her bed to Anya. "_He_ did that?"

"Yeah. Any dare mom threw at him, he did every single one. He and my mom were always just trying to one up each other, but neither of them would ever fucking budge. I don't think I ever laughed so much in my life, seeing them prank and push each other to the edge. But he did convince me to join the Alliance, so what do I know, he's clearly more than just a good laugh."

"What did convince you? I don't think I ever knew you didn't want to be a soldier."

Anya shrugged, knowing this was weird waters of her past. "I don't exactly advertise it, not when I ended up the first human Spectre. Don't think people would love knowing it wasn't my childhood dream. I just wanted something different. I didn't know what, but I think I just didn't want to be my mom. I think seeing someone like Joker still excel in the Alliance made me think that maybe there was a place for me. I mean, hell, guy wanted to pilot while drunk and they still loved him."

Garrus pressed his talon to his temple and chuckled under his breath. He could barely believe it, she could tell, but she didn't blame him. Sometimes she could barely believe her academy days with Joker, either. But then his bright blue eyes flicked up and her whole body was frozen still under his gaze. "It's nice to hear you have history. And not just military history." Then his arm extended towards her and she knew she was holding her breath, which she shouldn't, but he just poked the soft flesh of her wrist. "I told you that you were just a squishy human."

"Oh, and you aren't squishy? You practically begged to help me talk out my feelings."

"You're definitely squishier."

Anya was more than ready to play the verbal sparring game with him; honestly, it was nice. She hadn't done much... fun in awhile. With a smirk and proper snark, Anya countered, "I don't know. When you get uppity about temperatures..."

"That's a biological thing. What about you and that childhood cat you talk about? You get all wistful."

"Crackers was a very special boy, but at least he was a living being. I've definitely caught you sleeping with your sniper rifle, and you got pretty upset when it got a scratch a month ago."

Garrus cut his eyes, and looked ready to start throwing some real shots at her. Anya leaned into her knees and was ready. This fight was on. "You cried last movie night."

Okay, she didn't expect that one, and got aftershock emotion thinking of _Saving Private Ryan_. But she kept it together and gave a weak ass rebuttal. "No I did not!"

"So that tear I saw was what? Space rain?"

Anya was grasping for straws. "It was a very dramatic, emotional final scene. You probably were so caught up in it that you imagined me crying, because that would be an acceptable response. If I did cry, which I didn't."

"Now you're just lying to me."

"It's pretty squishy of you to be getting so bothered by if I cried during a movie or not."

Garrus glared at her, looking like he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue. Anya was pretty sure she just gave the most annoying, pre-teen answer she ever could. But was it annoying enough to get him to back off before she managed to get even more annoying? Finally, Garrus said, "You're impossible."

Anya didn't mean to smile so wide at him, which only seemed to annoy him more.

After all that, she tried to soothe his ego a little and nudged his shoulder with hers. "Only because every dumb thing I do with you turns me into a shameless goofball. I still can't believe I danced with you."

The genuine smile on his face was not what she expected. "Yeah. That was nicer than I expected."

It was a little too nice. She felt her insides warming up, and her heart pumping a little fast, thinking of how close they were, and even how close they were a few minutes ago, before Joker came in. Maybe they were about to-

Nope, Anya had to diffuse that train of thought and fast. She jeered, "Well, you thought it was a sex ritual, so-"

"Will you ever let that go?" Garrus crossed his arms. Good. Back to best friend banter, as things should be.

"Never."

There was a long pause after that. They sat right next to each other and the air got still again, like there was something charging up. It started to make Anya's skin itch. But then Garrus leaned back into the couch and asked her, like it was simple, "So, how are you feeling?"

She stared into her hands and tried honesty. "Still a little raw. It's going to take awhile for it not to hurt so much. But it's better. You helped make it better."

"I'm happy I could."

That's when she looked up at him, trying to be her white knight of emotional trauma. Sure, she was a fucking mess, but he had scars, too. And she wasn't just going to let him lean back there and bottle anything up, either. She put her hand on his knee and tried to show him how serious she was. "Are you doing okay? Sure, I'm the Commander, but Ash was your teammate, too. And I did make some tough calls."

He almost looked like he was about to crack a joke, but then he sighed and leaned forward, closer to her. Garrus said, "As fine as one can be before a war. I wasn't close to Ash, because she was kinda squeamish about the whole turian thing, but she was getting better at the end. It would've been nice to get to know her. It does make me feel like I need to do more to help the galaxy, now that Saren's gone. I need to be more than just a rogue C-Sec officer." With them both leaning on their knees, he turned his face and they locked eyes. He looked so vulnerable and honest, things she admired so much in him. At least, because that's how he was with her. "Thanks for asking, Shepard."

So the least she could do was keep herself honest for him, too, when it came to the important stuff. Anya smiled at him and said, "If you're willing to carry my emotional baggage, I can be here for yours."

She didn't mean to do this, but again they were close, and again she remembered that maybe he could be something more than a friend. And they weren't leaning in or anything, but looking at his face in her room, just being there for each other? It just meant so much. She didn't want having him by her side to ever end, friendship or not.

But just as she was about to say something dumb and sentimental, Joker sat up and walked over to her bathroom and started puking. The mood, whatever it was, was definitely killed. With a grimace, they both stood up and Anya said, "I should probably take care of that."

"And I'd probably just get in the way. Call it a night?"

"Calling it. But it was a good one." Then they heard another gag and stream of vomit into her toilet. Patting Garrus' shoulder, Anya couldn't say out loud how much she didn't want him to leave. If she didn't know any better, he was looking at her a little lingering, too. But maybe he was just concerned about how'd she do, post funeral and taking care of Joker. So she reassured him, "I can take care of us and I'll be okay. It's practically muscle memory at this point."

He laughed while he walked out of her door. "Alright. Goodnight, Shepard."

"Goodnight, Garrus."

From the bathroom, Joker yelled, "Night, Garrus!"

"Night, Joker." In the doorway, they looked at each other, and Anya almost wanted to say it. Just ask him to come back in, give him a datapad game to play, they could spend more time together once Joker would stop puking. Anything. She just wanted him to stay. But instead, Garrus gave her a flimsy salute and said, "See you tomorrow."

And she let the door shut behind him.

Anya walked back into her bathroom and took Joker's hat off so it wouldn't fall into any of his alcohol overdose. While it was nowhere near poisoning, Joker clearly drank more than he should. She sat down next to him and waited on standby for any emergencies. In a moment of clarity, he turned his face to look at her, all groggy. "You and Garrus a thing?" Before she could set him straight, he started laughing and shook his own head. "What would you guys do with all those ass sticks? That's too many sticks, Anya. Also you bruise easy and he's a walking hawk dinosaur. Nah, that'd be silly."

Right. It would be silly.

Interspecies awkwardness, or something.

That didn't stop her from thinking about how every time she was with him, things felt right.

She grabbed a water bottle from under the sink (preparation for this eventuality) and handed it to him. "Drink up. We don't need our pilot hungover."

"I could do it."

"I know you could. But I still prefer you sober."

"Fair enough."

And so she helped her pilot get his shit together, because it was the least she could do when she was still struggling to figure out hers.

/

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :)


	8. Chapter 8: Bloody Workout Gear

The emptier the ship got, the more apparent it was that the ones left were avoiding her.

Quite a few of the crew-members from the Saren mission were taking shore leave on the Citadel, while the Normandy was hopping around the galaxy, taking people home. Tali had gone back to the Flotilla, despite Anya insisting that she'd buy a few junk ships and be her new flotilla if she wanted. And they were currently on their way to drop Wrex off on Tuchanka. He decided, after all their time together, that maybe he should head back and try to bring some order to his people. After all, there was a war coming and Krogan enjoyed a good war.

But it was a little awkward when Kaidan and Liara were still on board and she sometimes went days without seeing them. Liara spent most of her time in her science office, analyzing any Prothean artifacts they had and preparing for her next research position, which they were taking her to after Wrex was gone. And Kaidan was always spending his time with Chakwas, Joker, or working with newer recruits. Basically anything away from Shepard.

Even Garrus seemed to be avoiding her. He kept on saying he was busy with some calibrations, always under the Mako, or working on their guns. She thought they were finally good, actually more than good, after Ashley's funeral. But maybe they weren't.

Anya knew that Kaidan had a very good reason to avoid her; she broke his heart into too many pieces that night before Ilos, and she understood that. And she knew Liara was really overwhelmed by suddenly being the foremost researcher on everyone's new favorite ancient species. She at least apologized for continually ditching Shepard at every turn.

Garrus really was the confusing part; she had no clue what she did.

The only person left talking to her was Wrex. She'd have Joker, but Kaidan was holding her favorite pilot hostage as his own personal buddy, so that wasn't an option. It was kinda pathetic that the only person who would talk to her was about to abandon ship in a day or two.

At least the guy loved taking breaks to do some target practice.

"Your aim is shit today, Shepard."

Anya grumbled, took another shot at the target. This time, she hit a half-inch off. "It's not bad."

Wrex laughed at her, laying his own gun on his shoulder. He pointed a very accusatory finger at the target and said, "Yeah, sure. You and the turian can spend hours here waiting for someone to miss, but missing it every time today isn't _that_ bad."

"Fuck off, old man."

Even though she put her pistol in the holster and tried to walk away, Wrex followed her. All the way upstairs to the kitchen, even. "So what's eating you?"

Anya didn't really want to hear it. "Absolutely nothing."

"You say that like a Varren gnawing off their own leg."

Turning around, Anya punched his chest plate. She was pretty over all his prying. The only good part of hanging out with him was their very short conversations. When did it suddenly need to get all serious? "What is it with you and comparing me to Varren?"

"I dunno, you're kinda like one. Vicious and badass, but kinda cute when domesticated."

"It sounds like you're calling me a dog." Shepard took her blueberry juice out of the fridge and poured herself a glass. It was hard not to notice how empty the mess was; empty enough that their voices kind of echoed.

Wrex sat down on a stool across from her. Mental note that if she wants to be bitter and alone, to remove all seating from the kitchen. "No clue what that is, but sure." He gave a pointed look between Anya and the fridge. She groaned, but maybe it would shut him up. She poured him a glass of some very dense Krogan beverage (non alcoholic) and slid it to him. Unfortunately for her, that didn't stop him from talking. "Hope you're not getting feeble on me. I'm expecting you to take care of the galaxy while I take care of Tuchanka."

"I wouldn't dare." When Wrex started drinking, Anya's prayers seemed to be answered. He was glugging down the- beverage? It smelled nice, but looked like sludge. She didn't really know what to make of it. The silent company was nice, reminded her she had friends but _didn't _remind her that she was off her game because of the other fickle crewmates.

Well, it was good until a certain pilot walked up. "Ooh blue juice? Pass me some of that."

Anya glared at him while she got out the juice, poured another glass, and then handed it to him. She hoped her annoyance seethed into the drink. "Joker, what the hell are you doing here?"

"We're stopped above Tuchanka. We got here early. No one tell you over comms?"

Looking between Wrex and herself, Anya shook her head. "Um, no. That's your job."

"Right... Well, I've taken to not broadcasting my location all over the ship. Sure, I may be at the pilot's seat 10/10 times, but a certain angsty biotic doesn't need to know that."

Shepard peered at Joker and crossed her arms. "Is that why you've been pinging everyone whenever you're in weird places around the ship?"

"Convinced Tali to give me a device that lets me say I'm anywhere without having to be there."

"C'mon, Kaidan can't be that bad."

"He's not, unless he's in a bug funk mood about a certain Commander rejecting him. Oh wait, he is." After frowning at her and rolling his eyes, Joker then turned to Wrex and said, "We told the drop ship that you'd be ready in thirty minutes."

The tall Krogan downed the rest of his drink. "Good thing I haven't packed yet." He waved at them before heading downstairs. Presumably, to do that packing thing. That left Joker, Anya, and the blueberry juice.

After a sip from his glass, Joker said, "So, haven't seen any cranky turians in your room lately."

Anya was about ready to throw her drink at him. Glass first, hopefully. "You shouldn't be seeing anyone in my room, because you shouldn't ever be there in the first place."

"A guy's gotta protect his bones, okay?"

"We're both nearly 30, Joker, maybe stop getting so drunk you need your old academy roomie to babysit you."

Joker took another sip, which seemed to be a sure sign of him saying something annoying. "So you _are_ really bothered about not hanging out with Garrus lately."

"I'm going to break your dick, I swear."

"At least aim for a more impressive threat, Shep. Because that's not a hard thing for anyone to do."

Grumbling, Anya didn't want to dance around whatever stupid point he was trying to make. "Okay, fine. What do you want to say about it?"

"You two just seemed cozy, hanging out on that couch."

"We have a weekly movie night, this isn't exactly wild news."

"I know. Even more suspicious."

Anya was pretty over it. Joker was having too much fun dancing around what he really wanted to say, and she'd rather he just spit it the fuck out. Especially since she knew he was enough of a Kaidan beacon to need anti-lieutenant protocols. She didn't really want to have to deal with that right now, either. "Get to the fucking point, Jeff."

"All I'm saying is that you don't get very cozy with people. Exhibit A is literally stalking me around this ship out of heartbreak. I just want to get a feel on what's happening here. Mama bear would be interested if you're getting close to someone. She was pretty pissed you didn't tell her about Rike back in the day."

"One, why are you discussing my sex life with my mother? And two, there's nothing for her or you to be pissed or prying about. So shove off it."

"You say that, but I have eyes."

"Not for long if you keep this up."

"Fine, fine. I'm just saying, why aren't you talking to him?"

"I-" Before she could say anything, Wrex came upstairs, dragging Vakarian in tow. Garrus looked a little shell-shocked and Anya couldn't help but stare. Wrex didn't even let the poor guy wipe the oil grease off his face.

Then very loudly, Wrex announced, "Now, you two are gonna escort me down to Tuchanka."

While she and Garrus were just swallowing down the awkwardness between them, Wrex was shouldering his pack. Joker said, "I wish I could pack that fast. Damn."

Leaving her blueberry juice, Anya tried to get a handle on the very quickly changing situation. "I'll just go grab my armor-"

"No need, I just wanna show off that the so called "savior of the Citadel" has my back. Good way to start showing dominance and fixing shit up, right?"

Anya didn't even know how to argue. "I guess, sure. The workout gear will do."

He threw an arm around her and Garrus and then dragged them to the stairs. "Time to show my planet I'm back."

They followed him to the docking port in relative silence. Their next few minutes were spent entering a drop ship and watching the burning planet all the way to the surface. No one spoke. Wrex had this purposeful energy to him, and she didn't know what to say out loud that they hadn't already said the past few days.

But Garrus, across from her? He seemed like he was itching with something. He kept on fidgeting with his armor and checking the clips on his sniper rifle. Even that night she was a drunken idiot, he could look at her the next day. Albeit after a lot of awkward talking, but now he seemed a world away. What made it worse was that she had no clue how to reach him.

When they landed, Wrex was happy to walk out into the Krogan hub, with the blistering sun hitting his face. but when he exited into the harsh brightness, Anya suck it up and opted for the least tactful approach. She grabbed Garrus' arm. "I don't know what I did, but whatever it was, I'm sorry."

"Shepard, I-"

His answer was interrupted by Wrex calling them over to a group of nearby Krogan. The entire ship port experience was Wrex just dragging her around, telling slightly exaggerated stories of how badass he was to prove a point. She understood that for a merc coming home, this was the equivalent of networking. But with the turian on his other side, she couldn't help but feel like she had some things to say that were getting overrun by Wrex's posturing.

That is, until she felt a bullet whiz past her ear. She turned her head around and saw a trio of Krogan running their way. With a quick order to take cover barked at her companions, Anya dove behind cover as quickly as she could. From the looks of their armor, they didn't seem to have any merc gang affiliations, so her only source of information was the krogan in cover next to her. "What the hell, Wrex?! You told me not to wear armor!"

He shrugged. "I figured someone might come after me. Chances were low, but it definitely proves a bigger point if we kick their ass in no armor."

"You're not wrong, but I hate you for it. You owe me new workout gear if this gets bloody."

"I can do that."

Lucky for her, Wrex brought along the two best shots on the team. And even better, the krogan attacking were mostly relying on shotguns. They just had to shoot 'em out before they got too close. She just had to hope their durability wasn't great.

Just as they downed the lead krogan, she noticed a shimmer on the other side of Garrus. Any infiltrator knew what that meant. "Vakarian! Tactical cloak to your left." Garrus reacted accordingly and they shot the stealthy one down, but it made her a little more wary of what they were up against. Looking towards her krogan friend, she yelled, "Shit, Wrex, they must really want you dead."

"Great, huh?"

"Not the word I'd use for it."

Anya was about to peek out from cover and take some shots at the final krogan, but Garrus beat her to the punch. "Shepard, look out!" He was rolling from his cover to hers and dragged her to where Wrex was hiding.

And right after they got behind the metal crates, the final krogan barrelled through the box she'd been hiding behind. Her eyes met Garrus' and she said, "Thanks." The second she spoke, though, he released her waist like it was a ticking grenade and instead stood up, shot the krogan in the eye, and he dropped dead.

Wrex stood up and smirked. "That's the best welcome home present I've ever gotten."

"Bud, we're gotta have a conversation about what you find endearing." Taking a deep breath, Anya glanced down at her shirt and noticed there was a few drops of blood on her. They seemed to be coming from a forehead scrape from when Garrus dragged her away from the danger box. "Shit. And you definitely owe me new clothes."

"Technically Garrus did that."

"Yeah, but you're the one who made me come without my gear."

"Fine, I'll send the credits. But it was worth it."

When her omni-tool pinged with the money, she let out a sigh. It also emptied out any annoyance for putting her life in danger, since everyone always did that to her all the time. Including herself. "Tell us if you got too many assassins to handle."

"I think I'll be set after that display of quads." Then, Wrex turned to her and Garrus and pulled them into a hug. "Until next time." And when he stepped back, he gave Anya a wink. "Vakarian. Shepard."

She rolled her eyes, but played along. "Wrex."

And then he picked up his bag and walked off.

Anya should definitely be less surprised that they just had the most krogan goodbye in existence. But for now, she'd settle for getting off the damn planet. She just jogged her ass back to the drop ship. While Shepard wasn't one for running away, she also wasn't about to encourage any other krogan to try to fight her, not like this. If she was lucky she could rub out the blood and have two pairs of good workout gear.

Garrus followed behind silently and, in a few short minutes, they were closed up in the drop ship, her wound was bandaged, and they were heading back to the Normandy.

But that was when the real battle started. Anya hated to admit it, but Joker was right. She couldn't stand not talking to Garrus, and it had to stop. "Garrus..."

"Shepard, I'm leaving."

The words hung between them like a dead man. Her fingers felt numb. After too long of him not looking at her, Anya asked, "What?"

"When we talked, I figured out I wanted to do more for the galaxy. Like you do. And the next day, I got an offer to join the Spectres training program. I said yes."

Everything felt so dry and cold, the air, her skin, the energy between them. Anya didn't really know how to process it. But she did know what she should say, what was honest and true. "You'd make a great Spectre, Garrus." Then, she tried to add it all together, and still ended up lost and confused. "But then why were you avoiding me?"

"Because I didn't know how to tell you I was leaving. Or maybe I just didn't want to tell you." Garrus sighed and sat down next to her. "I know this is what I want, but that doesn't mean I want to leave you. I didn't want you to feel like that's why I did it."

"Of course not. I get it." There were a lot of feelings running around her head, but in all honesty? Few of them had anything to do with him. She was proud of him and admired him. He wanted to be a hero. How could she blame any of her fantastic team for wanting to make a difference, even if it meant leaving her?

The only real things making her pause were her own, irrelevant feelings of attachment to him. And they were her problem, not his. So, like a good friend, Anya shut up the feelings and added, "When do you leave?"

"Two weeks. We'll drop off Liara, check out Alchera for the Council, and then when we stop back to the Citadel to report, I stay."

Anya crossed her arms and gave him the most deadpan, serious look she could. "Well, we got a lot of movies to watch before that, then."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You ever heard of James Bond?"

/

Hey anyone and everyone who reads this! If you like multi-platform adventures, I also will be posting Drunk Punch Love on Wattpad as well as a new, original scifi story (think Star Trek, Star Wars, Mass Effect, and Dark Crystal had a baby). It's under my same name as here, GraceJordan13.

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :)


	9. Chapter 9: 4 AM Stroll

Maybe she was up a little too late. Or too early, depending on whose standards. But Shepard needed a hot drink and she needed to remember that the emptiness in these halls, and the calm across the Galaxy, was very temporary.

She and Garrus had been having a movie marathon in her room, as many James Bond films as they could stomach. There were over 50 movies (the franchise's popularity never quite waned when Bond could just evolve with the times; there was even a turian MI6 agent when the military was trying to improve relations with them). Her dad had only collected so many copies of the movies, though. She was definitely missing a ton of the older ones. But they'd made it about halfway, to one called _Spectre_ (fitting title), when she realized Garrus fell asleep on her couch.

But with Garrus out for the count, Anya stopped the film and decided to get her sleepless ass a drink. Earl Grey tea, a favorite. She sipped it in the mess hall, alone, trying to organize her thoughts, but she was just tired. Sleeping had been harder the past few days. It was hard to ignore the fact that in only a little over a week, and he'd be gone.

She'd lived 29 years with no stubborn turian snipers by her side. So why did it feel so bizarre to think of life without him?

Anyway, it wasn't like she'd never see him. Hell, if he did end up a Spectre, they could run into each other out on missions. It'd be likely, even. They could probably catch up then.

Damn, did that sound more depressing than she meant it to be.

Just as she was about to punch herself in her own tragic sentimentality, she watched Kaidan stumble out of the science office and through the med bay. Her eyebrows were raised the entire time she looked at him. The guy looked pretty flustered, his hair even messier than that awkward Ilos conversation.

Anya couldn't help herself. As he walked out of med bay, she said, "On a 4 am stroll, Alenko?" The second his eyes met hers, they were filled with this existential dread that was partially amusing and another part offensive. Was she really that scary now? Sighing, she dropped the jeering Commander schtick. "I'll stop the taunting there. Could we sit down and talk like adults? Because I think we've both done things we regret the past few weeks."

Kaidan didn't look too thrilled, but he sat down. "Okay, Commander."

"I mean, if you want to leave, it wasn't an order. Granted, I do have Asari-related blackmail on you now if you don't, so I guess make your choice accordingly."

Sitting across from her, he still didn't look too comfortable. But he did have the faintest wisp of a smile on his face. "I'll stay."

"Good." Anya sipped her tea and drummed her fingers on the mug. "Kaidan, I'm sorry I was so tough on you before Ilos. I was stressed and grieving. You have the right to have feelings. I'm just sorry they were for me."

"It's okay, Shepard. I think after Ash, I jumped myself through a lot of mental hoops to feel like I had something real with you."

"You still have something real. I still care about every single member on this team like they're my family. And that includes you."

Kaidan shook his head, chuckled low. It was like stabbing pin needles against her arteries, just begging for her heart to burst. She never wanted to do this to him. "No offense, Commander, but that's easy for you to say when you're the one trying to let someone down easy."

"I've been on the other side. I know it hurts."

"You? Really?"

Shepard laughed, but dread pooled in her stomach. She was going to have to get into _that _story to make him feel better, wasn't she? "When I was at the Academy, there was another student, Rike. He was from Australia. I hadn't met many people actually born on Earth who grew up there, too. And yeah, give me shit later about how you're like that. But he was breezy and open, where I grew up with my boots laced and my emotions in a locked cage. I was crazy about him. But when I told him how I felt, he wasn't interested." Anya snorted, even though it still kinda stung. "He actually admitted he had an Asari girlfriend and then followed up the rejection by asking me how to propose. Apparently he wasn't the most tactful guy."

"Are you saying at least you didn't ask me for romantic tips?"

"No. I'm saying romance is a mess and everyone gets rejected." Anya ran a hand through her hair and leaned back in her chair. She didn't know why it felt so important to fix things with him, but maybe it had to do with the fact he was the only one left in her new "family" that might actually stay. "It's your call for what you want moving forward. But I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not embarrassed or mad with you. I just want to be your friend. And you don't have to be, and you can take all the time away from the Normandy that you need. This doesn't have to go one specific, uncomfortable, embarrassing way. But if you want it, you can still be the best damn Alliance soldier on the Normandy."

Kaidan's smile grew then, looking down into his palms. "When we hit the Citadel, I do think I'll take some time. But you're right, we're a good team. I'll stay, as long as you never bring up the fact I tried to kiss you ever again."

"Deal." Anya tried to ignore it, she really did, but the fact his shirt was on inside out was really starting to kill her. "So, you and Liara...?"

"Also don't mention that."

"Fair." Looking down into her own glass, she couldn't help but add, "But I'm happy whenever my officers are happy." Kaidan didn't seem to have an answer to that, but speaking of officer's happiness... "I should tell you that you that avoiding me has been putting our pilot on the fritz. Just start doing target practice with us again, okay? Joker's not used to so much attention. It gives him hives."

"I figured that he never really got himself all the way down to the storage bay."

"Absolutely not, it has some steep stairs and the door jams. Dude would break something just trying to get in."

Kaidan chuckled and said, "Yeah, fine. I'll be there tomorrow to get the old assault rifle tuned." Then he looked at her, and it was nice to see him look at her without shame or lust. Didn't mean his raised eyebrow didn't perplex her. "What are you doing up in the first place, though?"

"Trouble sleeping."

"Does it have anything to do with the fact that you want me to stay? And don't worry, I know you meant it in a platonic way."

Anya was used to throwing double meanings, doing her officers' questions about her motives, but it was like Kaidan saw right through her and she didn't know what to say. It didn't make her love him, but it did make her respect him more. Maybe he did have his head further out of his ass than she expected. Rubbing her neck, she admitted, "Everyone's leaving. And more than I'd like to admit, as much as I've inspired everyone, I didn't want any of them to leave. But now it's just you and me and despite all our bullshit I don't want to lose you, too."

"That was refreshingly honest."

Laughing, Anya didn't realize how much she'd missed talking to him like a friend. Before he got those obvious puppy dog eyes, he was one of her favorite people on the ship. Like a good old fashioned soldier but somehow, still different. "I hope this doesn't sting too much, but I'm really happy you're my friend, Kaidan."

"I'm happy to be yours, too, Commander. But now I'm going to bed." He stood up from his chair and, even though his smile was still a little awkward and things between them still had a long way to go, it was something.

Shepard waved in his direction as he walked off, waiting until he was out of sight to down her own tea. Then the embarrassing, asshole teenage smirking came. She needed to talk to someone, and she only really had one option. But he probably was the only person she'd want to tell anyway.

Walking a little too brisk back to her room, she opened it to see Garrus curled up like a damn kitten on her couch. But she couldn't keep her mouth shut, so the man was going to wake up whether he liked it or not.

Tossing a polar bear plush from Joker at his face, he stiff armed the thing and nearly fell off the couch. "Wha-"

Anya interrupted him as fast as she could. "Kaidan and Liara hooked up."

He sat up and scratched his head. "May I repeat: what?"

Looking at Garrus, Anya didn't really care if he was all that awake. "I just caught Kaidan doing the walk of shame out of Liara's room."

"Huh. So when you turned down both of them, they turned to each other?"

"I have been waiting all mission to report somebody was hooking up with somebody and it finally happened. And even better, it wasn't me!"

Garrus snorted, still rubbing away some sleepiness from his eyes. "You're being an absolute child. Why are you so excited?"

"Because I just won the dating pool."

The slow realization that fell over his face was priceless. He smiled at her with bewilderment, but still threw the polar bear back at her head. "Shepard, you hated that pool."

"And I voted Kaidan and Liara as a joke, but guess who was right after all? The second they go public, I get to laugh at everyone else who was trying to say I'd get with them. And like 1,000 credits." She sniggered, probably a little too much, but the entire thing was absolutely priceless. "Oh, but don't tell Kaidan I told you. I said I wouldn't talk about it."

"Some days I think the galaxy needs to save you, not the other way around."

"And some days you're probably right." Anya flopped down onto the couch and leaned into his shoulder. She wanted to say: _I never want this week to be over_. But she couldn't say that, not when she knew that if he thought she needed him, he would stay. He was too good a guy for that. So instead, Anya said, "Now where were we?"

Garrus growled at her, "Sleeping."

"We can sleep when we're dead."

"Fine, but you better keep it interesting." Before she could answer, he leaned into the side of the couch, adjusting to her weight on his side, and shoved the pillow he once was sleeping on into her face. "Who am I kidding? I'll be lucky if you ever let me die in the first place."

"You're stuck with me forever, Vakarian... Or at least until next week."

Things between them got silent for a little while, but then he put his arm around her shoulder. She was starting to love when he did that, because it always was when he was about to say something that made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. And battle-ready commanders didn't get to feel fuzzy too often. It made everything that was eating out her about the next week feel a lot less overwhelming. "Don't worry. No matter where I go, I'll be stuck with you. Forever."

/

Hey anyone and everyone who reads this! If you like multi-platform adventures, I also will be posting Drunk Punch Love on Wattpad as well as a new, original scifi story (think Star Trek, Star Wars, Mass Effect, and Dark Crystal had a baby). It's under my same name as here, GraceJordan13.

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :) All proceeds will be going towards a gaming desktop so my lovely sass can game on Twitch with fans


	10. Chapter 10: Goodbye

It all started with Joker making a toast. "You may have a serious justice boner going on, and sometimes I think you need to get that stick outta your ass, but I'm still gonna miss you, Garrus. The Normandy won't be the same without the dynamic duo annoying us all to hell."

Garrus laughed, but seemed perplexed. "Dynamic duo?"

"Yeah, you and Shep, shooting shit and making us watch, or dragging us across the galaxy on crusades, or ditching us all to go be broody leader types or whatever. She's going to be irritating without you around to distract her."

Anya wasn't sure she could take anymore of Joker's ramblings, especially when every two sentences he kept on throwing her winks. Joker on a buzz was not nearly as funny or clever as he thought he was. Standing up, she stopped the circus act. "Okay, let's take the glass away from our pilot and sit him the hell down."

Kaidan took said glass and stood next to Joker. "Aye, aye, ma'am."

With a glare, Anya sat back down and crossed her arms. "Oh god dammit, don't ma'am me."

Speaking up like the unhelpful asshole he was, Garrus just smirked at her. "I don't know, Shepard, you could pass for a ma'am."

"That's it, everyone's kicked off the ship."

Instead of feeling threatened, the three men around her just started laughing. Okay, Anya had definitely gotten too lax the past few weeks. Her subordinates didn't even take her seriously.

Before she could get snarkier, Kaidan gave her a friendly smile. "I'll get the pilot and I some water, and you two can enjoy some more time together. We don't need to have him flying drunk if the Geth show up, do we?"

As they walked out of the mess, Joker said, "I could if I had to."

Anya watched them go and couldn't kick the grin on her face. And she also watched them go because she knew if she looked back to Garrus, the pit in her stomach would form and she'd have to deal with those feelings again.

For days, ever since Liara left, she'd been sitting with a wad of uncertainty and guilt in her gut. Because the compassionate, almost infuriatingly psychic asari said as parting advice: "If you really don't want people to go, you have to tell them".

Safe to say, that wasn't very helpful with her current situation.

Sure, she wanted Garrus to stay. That was the only personal, selfish thing she'd wanted in a long time. But how she could stop him? The galaxy was in danger, and he'd... Well, she said it before. Damn turian would make a great Spectre. He wanted to make things better, which was exactly what she was fighting for. How could she stop him just because she wanted to stay that "dynamic duo"?

So, despite Liara's ominous and unhelpful advice, she looked back at Garrus and smiled like a friend. Because a friend was ready to support his aspirations wherever they took him and that's what he deserved.

Running a hand through her hair, she broke it out of the very loose and limp ponytail it was in. Anya just kept her gaze trained on his blue eyes, trying to memorize the pleasant way he was looking at her right now, with all his hopes and dreams ahead of him. She needed to remember that. "So how does it feel, being on your last mission on the Normandy?"

After Anya asked, Garrus started drumming his fingers against the table, this far off look in his eyes. "Surreal. When I first joined up with you, I thought I was crazy for trading C-Sec for an Alliance ship. I wanted to stop Saren, but I still didn't know much about humans. But now that I'm leaving..." He shook his head and downed his drink. "My world won't be the same without you- all of you."

"I know how you feel. I thought the Normandy never could feel like home without Anderson, but we made it our home again. I'm sure you'll fit in great with the Spectre program. Give me some tips they never gave me, will ya? I didn't exactly get the formal training."

He laughed, the sad kind that when it ended, it felt like an end to something greater. "Definitely. I can't wait to be able to teach you a thing or two."

"You already have. Needed some of those sniper lessons you gave me. Saved us from those damned geth turrets on The Citadel."

"You were a fine enough sniper already. Anyway, all the things you can do with a pistol terrify me."

"Yeah, but I was better because of you." Shepard sucked in a breath, knew she was getting a little too close to her own wayward feelings. "We're going to miss you, Garrus."

"Me, too." After a moment, he gave her a serious look and said, "Shepard, I-"

Anya reached across the table and touched his hand, shaking her head. She needed him to be sure and confident, because she wasn't. "Don't doubt yourself. It's about time you got out of my overinflated shadow. You're the best shot I know, the best soldier I know. You deserve more than that."

"I wasn't going to say that." Garrus turned his talons under her hand, held it like it was liable to break. Anya didn't know what that meant, but she didn't want him to let go. "I was going to say that being in your shadow has been an honor. And I loved every minute of it."

Feeling her whole heart collapse, turn into a concave hole in her chest, Anya pulled her hands away from his and held it in her lap. They started to shake; she wished they wouldn't. All that resolve she'd been proud of was crumbling into dust on her fingertips. "Don't say things like that when I have to say goodbye to you."

Garrus walked around the table and sat down in the chair next to her. It was like the air filled with lightning, and from it she could tell the slow, steady pace of his breathing. She'd been keeping up her composure the past 10 days, all she needed was to get through this simple scouting mission, send him off where he belonged, and-

But then he took her hand out from under the table and held it. "Everyone's been leaving on their own missions, and you still have Joker and Kaidan. I'm no different."

When he said that, her head jolted up and she was staring into his eyes. Anya wanted to always see his eyes. He was trying to mend her, she could tell, but she didn't want to be mended. She was a broken human and that was okay; she could live with it.

With each passing second, though, she wasn't sure she anymore if she was a broken human who could live without him. Anya tried to sound as in control as possible, and said, "Don't say that, Garrus. You know you've always been different." His eyes filled with this far off mix of concern and friendship and maybe even pity, but she didn't want to see it. She couldn't stand it anymore. "I didn't want anyone to go, but of course you're the hardest one to lose. I can't picture my world where you're not always interrupting it and reminding me to be human." Anya's mouth just kept going, and she couldn't stop it. She was leaning in close to him and it was like a drug; she was just as intoxicated as that first, fateful night. "Until that bar on Noveria with you, I think I stopped knowing if I was human at all. I can still be Commander Shepard alone, but until you I hadn't been Anya in years. I'm so afraid of losing who I am again. Garrus, I-"

And just as his forehead dipped to press against hers, and she was finally feeling some sort of strength in the out-of-control emotions she'd been spewing, the ship quaked and threw her and Garrus out of their chairs.

And then Joker was yelling over the intercom that they were under attack, the room shook, electronics exploded, and everything was on fire.

Garrus helped pull her up and the moment was gone; they were soldiers again, and they had a ship to save.

By instinct alone, she and Garrus put on their helmets and started ushering people to the escape pods. Shepard was talking to Joker and trying to assess the damage. Apparently it was an unknown vessel, shooting a giant, ship-destroying laser. They'd been hit once, and all they needed was one more hit to have the Normandy collapse in on them. Joker was doing everything he could at the helm to keep them running.

But Shepard was acutely aware this could finally be it; they could all die.

And looking at Garrus, brave and full of promise, she couldn't fucking bear it.

Walking over to him as he got the last nearby crewman onto the ship, a sleepy and frazzled Dr. Chakwas, she grabbed his suit. "Do one more quick look for other survivors, and then you get my people out of here."

"Shepard, I'm not leaving you."

Kaidan suddenly was next to them, holding a wounded helmsman. "We've gotten a lot of people out, but there's one problem: Joker's refusing to leave the ship."

"Idiot." Anya cursed and made up her mind. "Alenko, Vakarian, get these people out. I'll find Joker and send anyone else I might find toward escape pods."

As she tried to pull away, Garrus grabbed her arm. He held on like he was holding her life in her hands, but right now she didn't have time for the sentimentality of that. "And what about you? I won't let you go alone."

Her heart was racing and there was this foreign, deep-seeded, ominous fear taking hold of her. But she grabbed the edge of his helmet, pulled it forward to touch hers, and then shoved his hand off her. No matter how much she wanted to keep that voice by her side, now was not the time to ask him to stay.

To make sure he stayed alive, she had to let him go. "I'll find you. Now, that was an order. Go."

Though Garrus stood there for a moment, watching her run off towards the stairs, she eventually saw him grab two more crew members, toss them into the shuttle and, just as she was losing sight of them, hit eject.

If this really was the end, at least she'd made sure he made it out.

Now, she had a shitty younger cousin of a pilot to save.

When she made it to the command deck, the central hub was completely spaced. The ceiling hull was ripped open and all that was left was the floor walking up to the cockpit. Good thing she already had her helmet on. Making sure her boots were good to \keep her attached to the dck, she started walking across the open space.

In the darkness, she could see loose debris and pieces of her Normandy flying away. Worse, she could even see a few people. Anya kept down the vomit, watching Pressley's body float away.

Old man was a difficult officer, but he was a good one. And despite his prejudices, he was willing to learn to be better.

And now he was gone.

Walking forward to Joker, she had to assume he was there. She couldn't stand the thought of losing her ship, her crew, and him, too. Not after all they'd been through.

Finally, after what felt like eons, she stepped into the air pocket of what was left of the helm. Joker was there, slapping so many buttons and yelling into the comms like a madman. Anya couldn't even get her head straight enough to identify what he was saying.

Instead, she just grabbed a spare helmet and slapped it on his head. He said, "I'm not leaving her!"

Grabbing his shoulder and pulling him from the pilot's seat, she didn't care if she broke a bone. She wasn't losing him like this. "We're going. Now."

But just as she turned towards the last escape hatch, to the right of Joker's seat, she felt the ship beneath them crack. _No. _Dragging him along, she ran towards the door and opened it, throwing his ass in.

And before he could yell more, or she could get in, the ship broke underneath her. Anya knew her choices here: eject the pod and save Joker, or kill them both trying to get herself in.

So, watching the anguish in her friend's eyes, she slammed her fist on the eject button. And after his pod flew off and away from the ship, the Normandy buckled and shattered, a broken vessel that she used to call home.

Another jolt, and Shepard was thrown from the panel, hurtling through space. She could see them, though, the pods flying out in the other direction. At least a good chunk of her crew should make it, including Joker, Kaidan, Chakwas, and Garrus.

That was what mattered.

Anya could feel tears running down her face, with that final piece of solace. Finally her time came, where she was the one left behind and everyone else survived. She'd made it out alive so many missions, it was about time it happened. And if it meant they all lived, that was okay. It had to be okay. They could save the galaxy without her.

It would've been a slow death, if just then her helmet hadn't knocked into some heavy duty debris. She could suddenly feel the oxygen in her suit rushing out at a breakneck pace. Her hands were grasping, trying to cover the hole, even though it didn't matter. Her chest felt like it was getting vacuum suctioned out and the faster the air went, the faster her thoughts did, too.

At least she saved Joker. At least she told Garrus how she felt. At least she inspired all of them to save the galaxy, to become better heroes than she could ever be. At least...

And then everything faded to black.

/

This is the end of Part 1! (AKA Mass Effect 1). We will take a little detour for a few chapters into INTERMISSION: Archangel, but then we'll be back with part 2 shortly :)

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support my stories, please go check out my bio for more info. All proceeds will be going towards a gaming desktop so my lovely sass can game on Twitch with fans


	11. INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL- 10 Days

Garrus could hardly stomach the funeral. He was surrounded by countless stiff shirts and big banners and people who knew her as the Commander, the savior.

He didn't want to think about how few of them actually knew her. It made him feel sick.

But he was stuck thinking about them, because thinking about the fact she wasn't here to make fun of all the dumb revelry, or sneak away with him to pester gunners about their stocks, made it far worse. It was like he had a bleeding wound in his chest and it wouldn't fucking stop, and everyone else was just figuring out how to sign each other's casts.

Bright spots were family speeches; Anderson, Joker, and Admiral Shepard stepping up and talking about the woman before the hero. That was the kind of things he wanted to think about: Anya, getting her first pointe shoes on the same birthday she got her first gun. Anya, the loud snorer who failed the tests she studied and aced the ones she didn't. Anya, who never took the Alliance seriously until she went on her first mission, because the second she got a taste of saving people, it changed her.

Hearing stories that sounded even the smallest bit like the Anya Shepard he knew was so much better than all the pomp and circumstance bullshit happening around it.

When it got to the reception, he wasn't even sure if he should stay. He couldn't look Joker and Kaidan in the eyes, knowing their stubborn asses were why she wasn't here. And the rest of the crew? They didn't understand what happened that day. They didn't understand how the Collector ship ripped everything he thought was solid and strong to shreds.

That was the extra bullshit; only Shepard would spook an otherwise mythical species back into existence. Nothing normal could ever take her down.

But it was that part about her getting taken down that was still fucking him up.

Hell, maybe the other two didn't deserve as much blame. He could've dragged her into that escape pod, but like the rest, he listened to her orders and let her go.

Garrus should've known "I'll find you" was heroic bullshit.

Instead of listening to another person ooze about said heroism, he shoved past a frightened looking Kaidan and walked out of the memorial. Guy half looked like he thought Garrus might've been serious about his threat. He hadn't contemplated killing Kaidan, not really, but maybe that would make him feel better, replace his own bleeding heart with something else.

Walking around the Citadel, he didn't know how, but he ended up at a bar. And he ordered the strongest drink he could think of, Krogan ryncol, but he couldn't stomach swallowing it. He just ended up staring down at the bottom of the glass, wondering what Shepard would say to him.

Suddenly, a voice that sounded a little too familiar was talking to him. "You just came from the service, right?" Garrus had to blink a few times as he looked up. In front of him was a blonde, weathered woman in Alliance garb, with one robotic, blue eye and a green one that he knew too well. All throughout her face, there were echoes of the woman he was aching to hear from, but it wasn't her. She extended a hand. "Oksana Shepard. I couldn't stand the fluff, either. And if you salute me right now, I'll punch you."

He took her hand and gestured to the seat next to him. That last part also sounded familiar. "Garrus Vakarian."

"You're one of the strays she picked up for her mission tracking down Saren. From the reports I swiped, she thought highly of you."

Any other day, he'd take that as a compliment. But right now, it just felt like another concussive shot to the chest. "The feeling was mutual."

"How was she doing, at the end? And not the savior of the citadel pride that she lied to me about."

Garrus traced the rim of his glass with his talon, not really sure if this was a conversation or an interrogation. The seriousness in Admiral Shepard's voice hinted towards the latter. But her rank didn't make him feel any easier about it. Garrus said, "I don't know-"

"I respect your loyalty to her, but she's dead, Vakarian. Let me know my daughter."

Swallowing, he saw where Shepard got her intensity. He finally sucked it up and downed some of the ryncol. Garrus tried his best not to picture her face too much; it made it hurt worse. "She was struggling. Losing Ash... our Gunnery Chief, it really dug into her problems with Akuze. And after Saren, the rest of us were moving on. She didn't like that, either. I didn't know until the end how much. If the Collectors hadn't hit, I probably would've changed my plans and stayed, help her get ready for the next fight. But I guess that's not an option now."

"You two were close?"

He could feel Shepard's hand in his, calloused but small and holding onto him like he was a lifeline. And he could hear her in his ear, telling him how he reminded her to be human. And he even could feel her breath on his cheek, practically begging him not to go, but then-

Garrus downed the rest of the vile drink. Before he answered, his other hand fisted the fabric of his pants and his talons dug into his flesh. "Yeah, we were close."

Next to him, Admiral Shepard hit her fist into the table. "I want to blame her comrades, like you. I want to blame myself for making a soldier out of a dancer. I even want to blame my Anya. But it doesn't matter, because my beautiful little foolish detenysh is gone and I'm alone."

"Detenysh?"

For the first time since she sat down, Admiral Shepard smiled. "My crew used to call me the mother bear of the Alliance. So when she was born, they called her the cub. My little cub. My detenysh. It's-"

"Russian. Shepard mentioned it."

"She told you a lot, didn't she?" Admiral Shepard was putting a hand on his shoulder, and it was hard to make out her expression. Unlike his Commander, who spoke with her whole face, the Admiral only made the subtletest movements. "Were you and my daughter...?"

For that one, Garrus could be firm. Or, at least, fairly honest. "No. Shepard was my best friend."

With an eyebrow raised, the Admiral kept going. "Okay, sure, but did you two ever-"

"No!" Garrus realized he said it a little too loud a little too late. Despite his answer, the Admiral had this uncomfortable smirk on her face. He didn't want to be looked at like that. Especially not by someone who looked so much like... Rubbing his forehead, he tried to clear things up. "Nothing like that happened between the Commander and I."

Admiral Shepard shrugged. "Too bad. My daughter struggled to connect with people. But I suppose a best friend will do." Taking a deep sigh, she leaned on his shoulder to stand up, looking older than her years. "Thank you, for being her friend. Now, I'd love to embarrass some stories out of you, but I'm sure the Alliance leadership isn't happy I disappeared. And I probably need to save Joker from politics." With way too heavy a hand, she patted his back. "Best of luck, Garrus Vakarian."

And she walked off, just like that.

He'd love to say that the conversation comforted him. But if anything, it only made him angrier. If Shepard was here, she'd laugh with him about how goddamn awkward that was, and she'd tell him stories about how her mom always pried like that. Something.

Instead, he just got to sit here silence, alone.

No matter what the hell he and Shepard were, clearly they were getting somewhere, their friendship mattered. All that talk she had of not being a good enough hero? Somehow, he felt like he was helping her wash that self-loathing and doubt away. And she had definitely been making a better man out of him. Hell, he was ready to ship himself off to the Spectres for the chance the help the galaxy like she did.

But one goddamn laser and none of that mattered anymore.

Well, one goddamn laser and two idiot men who he knew were just doing their jobs, but dammit, he wished they did them better.

All he had left was his empty glass and a mirage of a woman across the table from him, her soft brown hair falling out of its ties, giggling over childhood romance and her own loneliness. Her green eyes squinted away when she laughed, because she always laughed with her whole face, kinda like she was about to sneeze. And he'd never see that again.

Okay, it was time to leave the bar.

Garrus wasn't quite sure when he started walking towards the Alliance shore leave apartments, trying to find out if there was anything left of her there. But when he got there, to the one she'd shown him their first time on the Citadel, her name plate was already gone.

Goddamn everything he knew about her was just slipping away and he couldn't stop it.

Staring at the empty plate, he lost any level of self-control. Pounding his fists against the door, he just wanted the pain to go away. Or better, he wanted her to open this damn door, tell him it was all just some awful, elaborate undercover mission and she was back and they could be like they were before.

But he only got a few pounds in before a door opened across the hall. Lucky man he was, it was old brown eyes and biotics himself, Lieutenant Alenko.

When their gazes met, he could see the fear in Alenko's eyes. He'd seen that kind of fear before, normally from new-to-space humans who assumed turians were angry, war-hungry monsters.

Between him and Alenko, though, they knew exactly why he should be afraid of him.

Before he could even get in a word, Garrus put his forearm against his chest and shoved him against the wall. "Because of you, she's not here anymore. Do you even have anything to say about that?"

He knew he was probably going too far, and he could tell from how Kaidan was breathing that he was putting a lot of pressure on his windpipe. But frankly, he didn't give a damn. It took a moment, but Kaidan finally said, "I'm sorry, Garrus. I fucked up. I-" Garrus just pushed harder.

Out of nowhere, Kaidan's door opened and Liara came out, in an Alliance robe, clutching a fistful of biotics. "Garrus, put him down."

Of all the things he wanted to do, his favorite would be to shove Kaidan through some Presidium glass and see the shatter patterns, but he listened. After all, maybe telling them what assholes they were would make them feel worse than some broken bones. Garrus crossed his arms and said, "Riiight, I remember Shepard told me you two hooked up. Well, congratulations, without your pathetic crushes on her you wouldn't be here together. You get to be happy. But she's not here, and you both know that's bullshit."

Kaidan started, "I think we should all just-"

When he flicked his glare over to him, the biotic stopped dead. "I don't take orders from you."

"Garrus, she wouldn't want you to do this." His head turned to Liara, and it felt like she was peeling away his plating with a welding knife. "I know how you feel-"

"None of you understand how I feel." He didn't want to be any closer to Liara, and he definitely didn't want to admit there was anything right to what she was saying, but slowly the ache started winning over the anger. "Fuck, I just need to go."

They might have called for him another time or two, but he didn't listen. He just wanted to be off this damn station, and anywhere but here.

He was over the Alliance and their bullshit; the only thing good about it was Shepard and now she was gone. Without her, all he wanted to do was go somewhere her memory hadn't infested.

Without even heading back to his old apartment, Garrus booked the first passage to Palaven.

/

This is a fun littler Intermission i wanted to do, exploring Garrus' side of things during the two years Shepard is gone. But it's only a few chapters, then we'll be back to Part 2.

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support my stories, please go check out my bio for more info. All proceeds will be going towards a gaming desktop so my lovely sass can game on Twitch with fans


	12. INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL- 25 Days

After losing the Savior of the Citadel, who happened to be his commanding officer, no one really questioned his request to delay Spectre training. The whole galaxy was wracked by the news, even on Palaven. Garrus thought he could run from her here, but all he had to do was walk the streets of the capitol and he'd hear her name.

He couldn't keep on hearing her name.

"All the officials have even planned to do a spirit ritual for Commander Shepard."

Overhearing his sister and father's conversation, though, it didn't seem like there was anywhere he could run where he wouldn't hear about her. Everywhere was a Shepard-less nightmare, were her name was on everybody's lips but she never showed up.

Garrus could hear the annoyance in his father's voice. "Guess even the hierarchy is obsessed with the woman. Well, if the people will feel inspired by honoring a warrior spirit, it's for the best."

"Not today, father, please." From the other room Solana spoke louder. "Garrus, they'd like you to speak at Shepard's spirit ritual. What do you say?"

Laying on his childhood bed and staring at the ceiling above him, he couldn't think of anything he'd want to do less. Hearing Alliance soldiers spew about her heroism had made him sick enough, he might as well get hung before doing it himself. "I'd rather volunteer for janitorial detail at the junior boot camps."

"I could set that up for you, if you'd rather do that in her honor-"

Lucky for him, his father cut her off. "That's not what he meant, Solana." He'd appreciate his father's intervention, if he didn't know Castis Vakarian so well. The man sounded so self-righteous about it. "And unfortunately, it's not out of protest for Spectres, he's just pouting."

Garrus and his father didn't get along on a good day, so there had been a lot of yelling the past week he'd been home. He doubted it was going to stop anytime soon. Trying to shut down the conversation, he replied, "My friend is dead and I'm tired of people treating her like a symbol instead of a human being."

"For once, I agree with you. It's out of precedent to hold a spirit ritual for a human."

He wasn't sure if he was more irritable while grieving or if his father was really trying to be more of an asshole lately. Getting off his bed, Garrus walked to the open door and leaned against the metal trim, crossing his arms. His father and Solana were sitting at the table, like this entire conversation was casual, not the kind that stabbed his aorta. "Spirits sake, yes, she was a squishy human. And she was the savior of the Citadel. And she was a good person. Could you keep your politics about Spectres or humans out of this? At least out of respect for your son's now-dead Commanding Officer?"

Across from him, his father's face stayed serious. "Fine. New topic: why aren't you going back to C-Sec?" Garrus was ready to scream, but his stubborn ass father clearly had a whole speech ready. "I believe in doing what's right and Saren needed to be taken down. But you left your post without a word and refused to listen to your superior officers. Clearly, you still have a lot to make up for there-"

Garrus was lucky that, before he could finish, somebody started to call Castis Vakarian on his omni-tool. Watching him walk out of the room, he and Solana waited until the door shut behind him. It was only then did he sit down at the table.

Sighing, his sister patted his right hand. "Father means well. He's just a classic hierarchy man and you're, well..."

"A rebellious hothead?"

"I mean I wasn't going to say it like that but... yes." Solana's concern was sweet, but he always appreciated her honesty. It was better to be sweet about hard truths than telling kind lies. Her eyes, a brighter blue than his, tried to be as soft as they could. Since he knew he was getting more than she gave the politicians she worked with, it was something. "He cares for you, brother, and he can see this is hard on you. But when mother died, you both threw yourselves into your work. He's struggling to understand what makes this time different."

Garrus didn't really want to tackle that right now, poke the raw wound of losing his mother, the one that sat right next to his Shepard sized one. That bitch still wasn't done bleeding. He was starting to think it never would. "It just is." No matter how hard Sol was trying, he didn't want to keep talking about this. He didn't come back to Palaven to keep hashing out the same conversations about grief and loss, because it never made him feel any better. Instead, he cocked his head towards the door their father walked out of. "How does the man even have human friends when he acts like this?"

"He just doesn't like humans being raised up as Turian heroes, especially after one of our own committed such a heinous betrayal. So, for lack of a better phrase, it's just your human."

"Not helping, Sol."

"I know. My profession is disseminating information, not making it sound nice." Sol leaned back in her chair, just like him, not pushing him to feel better. Garrus sometimes wondered how such a patient, practical person could be the sister of a so-called turian hothead. Even their parents were difficult people; it was a miracle Solana wasn't just like them.

Even if the rest of this damned planet was rubbing him wrong, at least Solana was trying her best. So, Garrus tried to be more patient with her, too, and kept his yelling to a minimum. He probably didn't deserve someone so patient with all the yelling he'd been doing.

Solana interrupted his thoughts and said, "If it matters at all, I'm sorry you lost her. She must have meant a great deal to you. And I know how much you hate my gossiping and astounding intuition, so I won't ask if it was more than that."

"You don't know how much I appreciate that right now."

"We're your family, Garrus. We're here for you. Even if father is terrible at showing it."

"I just wish this was easier." His head was swimming, and he was way too aware he had bigger problems if even Palaven felt like too much of... her. And she'd never even been there. Since Sol was the only person who didn't piss him off right now, he couldn't help but talk about it. "I'm supposed to be heading back to the Citadel in a few days to report to Spectre training. I got in because she was my Commander. I don't know if I can do it anymore."

"Well Dad would be thrilled if you went back to C-Sec."

"I don't want to go to C-Sec, either."

"This may sound very turian of me, but civil service is what we do. Where else would you go?"

Garrus knew Sol had a point. But practicality didn't matter to him right now; surviving Shepard did. He just needed to stop bleeding, dammit. And maybe that meant he was a bad turian, and maybe he was okay with that. "Anywhere that didn't remind me of her. I thought Palaven would be enough, but even here..." At the thought of a spirit ritual for her, honoring the soldier and hero she was, the nausea hit him again. Was that all he was lately, vomit and blood? He admitted to Solana, "As a ghost, she's everything she never wanted to be."

"What do you mean?"

Picturing her in her room, ripping her hands through her hair, always pulling out a few strands, he remembered holding her. He remembered telling Shepard he would be there for her. He remembered reminding her she was a squishy human and how big she smiled and until right before the Collectors took her away, he didn't understand why. But he gave Sol the simpler answer, without all the messy feelings and muscle memory involved. "Shepard didn't love being a beacon. She just wanted to help people. She just wanted to be human."

"Well, when there's no human anymore, isn't the beacon all anybody has left?"

He knew Solana had a point. He knew that there were a lot of people that needed to remember her as a hero; a symbol of hope. Hell, if he never met her, he would've probably done the same. Commander Shepard would be a name that went down in history, so why wouldn't they treat her that way?

But they didn't comfort her while she cried, he did. The second she looked up at him with those sad green eyes, Garrus wasn't sure he'd ever be able to see anything else. He was absolutely haunted by it. Sighing, he leaned forward onto the table and told Solana, "That may make the galaxy feel better, but it feels like everything I knew, everything I-"

As he started to crumble, Sol grabbed his hand again and it felt like he had an anchor. Not the one he wanted, but still a good one. "She really did a number on you, didn't she, Garrus?" His sister echoed his sigh and then said, "Go wherever is quiet. I'll even help you look. Just as long as you keep in touch."

"Always."

For the next few days, Garrus tried to stay civil with his father and do his best to help Solana. But with all her extranet data mining skills, she did better on her own. He just found himself waiting. The night before he was supposed to ship out for Spectres, she knocked on his door.

It opened, and she had this clever but sad look on her face. Maybe mixed in with a little amusement, but he wasn't sure. She always kinda looked amused after she finished a job, for her brother or not.

Solana walked in and sat down next to him on his bed. With a flick of her wrist, she opened her omni-tool. "I found the place that's quietest about Shepard, but I don't know if you'll like it."

"What?"

Another flick, and she opened a file with a picture of a darkened space station, with red lights. It didn't exactly look like the friendliest place, and he couldn't put his finger on it, but it definitely looked familiar. "It's called Omega."

That's when it clicked. C-Sec has an entire cabinet dedicated to shit from there. He raised an eyebrow at his sister. "You mean like the mercenary den, filled with drug traders and illegal activity? Hell yeah, a rebellious hothead like me is totally gonna fit in."

"You wanted to know where you wouldn't find her. This is your best shot." They sat there, staring at the picture of Omega. His stomach sort of churned, but the thought of finally getting peace from her... Solana said, "I know you don't like agreeing with dad, but C-Sec wouldn't be a terrible option. And for all his gripes about Spectres, if you wanted it, you'd make a good one. Both will have you. I've just armed you with information. It's your job to make a choice."

Laughing, he focused on the only good thing about this moment. "Damn, you're a good big sister."

"I know, right?" Solana flicked her omni-tool closed and pulled him in for a full hug. "I love you, Garrus."

"Love you, too, Sol."

He spent the rest of the night packing and pouring over his datapad, which held all the information Solana sent him. While it told him all the basics about Omega (with the ominous phrase "Don't fuck with Aria" underlined a few times), she also sent him an approval of possible reinstatement letter from Officer Bailey, and the dossier on his acceptance Spectre Program. Big sis wasn't lying about giving him all the information.

In the morning, sleeping on the decision really didn't help. He said a more formal goodbye to his family and headed for the spaceport, knowing that he was either heading back to the Citadel or somewhere far worse.

At first, he figured that being a Spectre had to be something; he'd at least get a shot to do the kind of work she loved and honor her memory like that, right?

But then he thought of his name, Spectre Vakarian, and that nausea hit all over again. And he also knew better than to think that her name wouldn't be all over that program, talking about her successes, or Saren's, or even Nihlus'.

He'd quickly be known as the guy who knew Shepard. Would he be bullied into interviews and have to talk about her? Or worse, would they just elect him to take her place as the galaxy's new savior?

That was enough to make up his mind. One way ticket to Omega it was. Whether he stayed there to change some things or just heal up his bleeding wound, anything had to be better than having the Alliance and Spectres bleed him dry just to get their last living glimmer of Shepard.

Fuck them. He'd figure things out his own way.

/

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

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	13. INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL- 40 Days

Shepard had been dead forty days.

Twenty days on Omega, and somehow he ended up spending most of his time at a shithole bar, not knowing what to do with himself.

In a sick twist of fate, the day after he got on the station the old Normandy crew sent him 1,000 credits. Apparently, word of Kaidan and Liara got out, Shepard won the dating pool, and they thought it best to send her winnings to him. They probably thought it was a funny way of remembering her.

Garrus just found it an easy way to accomplish nothing, knowing his bank account was padded with his dead friend's winnings.

It was his fifth night in a row at Afterlife. He didn't know what he was doing here anymore. If he just wanted to sulk it out and then head back to Palaven or the Citadel, he should've left by now. Or if he planned on staying, he should've found some crusade to get his dumb ass distracted. But he wasn't building anything here, he was just drinking and wasting away in limbo.

Finishing his glass for the night, he didn't mind drinking alone very much. And as long as he kept it to one drink, he didn't start imagining her across the table. It was just enough booze to slosh away some of the emptiness, but not enough to start losing his mind. Wasn't the worst way to kill time.

But then an eager looking turian slid in the chair across from him and he hated it.

Okay, drinking alone was fine, minus the persistent grifters. Dude started talking before Garrus could tell him to fuck off. "Don't see ex-turian military around here often, not without a shiny new merc job or some secrets to keep."

"I don't give a shit about whatever you're selling, so-"

"Not even a little bit, Garrus Vaklarian?" He stopped trying to stand and sat back down, glaring at the guy. He didn't like where this was going. The mysterious turian just smirked. "I see I got your attention."

"What the hell do you want?"

"Back-up. I might've gotten myself a one on one with a krogan captain for the Blood Pack in ten minutes, and I don't feel like having my mandibles ripped off."

Garrus was trying to wrap his head around it all. His new taste for ryncol wasn't doing well for his brain. "One, why the hell would you do that? And two, why do you know who I am?"

"I'd love to say weeks of intel, but really? I've seen you a couple times here. Took me a little while to realize you're the one from the Battle of the Citadel vids, who helped take down Saren. Could use some heroism on my side."

"Okay, but you still didn't answer question one."

"I'm not a huge fan of the merc groups, period, but this Krogan's been trying to expand his territory into my old neighborhood. If my favorite restaurant has to start paying dues, we're gonna have a problem."

"With that dumb answer, I guess we're back to augmenting the second question. Why me? You could hire decent shots all over this station."

The guy was trying to seem casually, but Garrus could see the way his feet kept bouncing. All his fake confidence was relying on lies and adrenaline. Regardless of the underlying tells, the turian said, "Well, let's just say I'm a bit strapped for cash, so I was hoping you might do it for free. Also, I always prefer more than just a decent shot."

Laughing, Garrus was a little impressed with the quads on him. At the very least, the exchange was getting more amusing than annoying. "And what makes you think I'll help you?"

"A turian quitting their civil service position to chase down an unconfirmed rogue, turian spectre? That's a hero type. And hero types can't resists offers like mine."

That's when all the talk he was spinning stopped amusing Garrus. He leaned back forward onto the table, trying to keep the pop-up thoughts about green eyes and target practice out of his mind. "Yeah, well that's who I used to be."

Finally, the turian switched tactics. The veiled swagger fell and his shoulders slumped. He leaned closer to Garrus and went for the ole' classic: begging. "Just this once, okay? And after I'll leave you alone."

He was really itching to say no, but something in the back of his head was curious how much trouble one Krogan really could be. He'd definitely taken down scarier things in his time. And what better was he doing?

Hell with it. Maybe this could be his litmus test, break whatever funk he was in. If he felt good helping someone, great, he could use that. Make something of it. If not? Get his ass off this station, because it clearly wasn't doing much for him. Even if Omega treated Shepard's name like a hex, his brain dragged too much of her around. No matter Sol's intel, he there was one big problem with trying to run from her ghost: him.

Pushing off the table, he gave the guy a shrug. "Fine. Now, where the hell are we going?"

His new turian friend probably didn't mean to, but his face lit up and he nearly tripped over himself standing. He did a decent job pretending it didn't happen, though. Straightening himself, he nodded towards the far exit. "Out there and a few alleys back." Garrus nodded and followed him.

Once they were outside, though, he took a stop at a vending machine and grabbed some water. The second it dropped down, he popped the cap open and started chugging. His companion looked slightly horrified, saying, "Why are you inhaling that water bottle like it's oxygen?"

As the last drops fell, he threw away the bottle. "I was drinking ryncol." It was 100% placebo, but that alone made him start feeling a little better. Or maybe it was just the blood pumping from knowing he might get to pull out his sniper in a few minutes.

He hadn't done any target practice in weeks.

Though he started walking again, the turian gaped. "Why?" But as Garrus started walking faster, wanting to get somewhere, accomplish something, it was like the guy could smell his boiling blood. "Spirits, are you gonna get me killed?"

Garrus laughed at the thought. "If Shepard didn't kill me, neither will a Blood Pack krogan."

"Do you mean Saren?"

"No."

They walked down the next few blocks, and nothing seemed more illegal or sketchy than the rest of Omega was. They even got to pass a raving Batarian prophet, and that still didn't feel all that insane. He'd really gotten used to Omega, hadn't he?

All of a sudden, his walking buddy stopped in a slightly dimmer alley, where a few lights were out and no one was waiting for them. Garrus was hoping that he was just lost or looking for a right door to give a password, but the longer the other turian itched at his face, Garrus realized things were probably going to get complicated.

Garrus gave the guy the benefit of the doubt. "Is this the right place?"

"Yeah, I was supposed to meet him right here... five minutes ago."

Before Garrus could say anything about it obviously being a set-up, and that the krogan probably just wanted him dead, he could hear a weapon gearing up. Shoving the new guy down to the ground, he pulled out his sniper. While this wasn't exactly the best way to get back in the fight, he had to admit it felt damn good to hold in his hands again.

"Why didn't you gthink this was a set-up?"

"Let's just say being on the "good guy" side of this is new to me."

"Great, I always dreamed of a back alley firefight with an ex-merc." Glancing over their cover, he could clearly see three vorcha at the other end of the alley, probably two or three more he couldn't see. They always travelled in fairly large numbers, even for a small hit.

Next to him, the other turian asked, "Really?" Though he clearly whiffed the safety protocols of this meeting, he pulled out an SMG and was doing good work suppressing the Vorcha. Garrus had to give him that much credit.

But that didn't excuse his question, and he rolled his eyes. "No, this is hardly my favorite place to get murdered."

"What, do you have places you'd prefer?"

"For practicality? Gun expo or military base. For style? Gardens, electronics stores, antique shops, but only if they're classy."

Even though he seemed caught off guard and a little stressed, the guy laughed. "You're insane."

"What else did you expect? A healthily functioning ex-Spectre hunter?"

"You got me there." They downed one of the Vorcha, and another was at least down for the count because Garrus got a good shot straight through his leg, but the other three that they'd seen were still putting up a fight. His shooting buddy said, "On your left." Garrus swiveled and got a headshot on one of them while he was trying to get in for a closer shot.

Then the guy asked, gesturing to the gun, "Do you bring a sniper everywhere?"

"Yeah. This is my favorite gun." Garrus got the another Blood Pack goon when it popped its head out to check for them. But just as he was going to tell the other turian to close in on him, the final vorcha came out from behind the corner, holding his shotgun to the head of a civilian. From the looks of him, a shell-shocked shopper. Lowering his gun, Garrus said, "Fuck."

"Drop your weapons or I kill him."

The other turian stood up without even thinking about it, letting his SMG clatter to the ground. Garrus was looking between the two, trying to calculate what made the most sense. But seeing someone scared, he started wondering what Shepard would do. The bigger surprise was that for the first time in over a month, thinking of her didn't hurt so bad. Before he could get lost in the feeling, his shooting partner toed him. "Vakarian, drop the gun." He growled, still not quite sure how to handle the situation, but did.

"Good, now-"

After taking even a second to look at the vorcha, he realized none of them had a chance if they let him call the shots. He remembered the Blood Pack members he'd fought while on the Normandy; prisoners weren't their speciality. Taking a page from Shepard's book, he pulled out his pistol, used his visor for quick aiming, and shot. The vorcha dropped, leaving a mortified hostage standing in front of his corpse. Garrus told him, "Get out of here."

Guy didn't have to be told twice.

As he picked his sniper back up, the turian asked, "Where'd you learn to do that?"

"The most terrifying woman with a pistol in the entire Galaxy." Lucky for Garrus, the guy let him leave it at that.

They walked up to the last vorcha left, his leg bleeding. "You tell your boss that he better watch his ass around the wards, or he'll be dealing with us." For a second, the vorcha just stared at them, but then Garrus added, "Go!" And the vorcha didn't need to be told twice, either.

It wasn't geth ships and Reapers, but for a minute there, he felt like himself again. The person he was with her. Sure, that still fucking stung, but it didn't feel empty. It was the first thing that didn't feel empty in a long time.

Next to him, the turian chuckled. "That was pretty forward, assuming I want to team up with your crazy ass again."

"Says the man who begged me to help him." Holstering both of his weapons, he was ready to walk back onto the streets. They didn't need to fight everyone on Omega tonight. But walking side by side with this turian, his wheels started turning. He didn't want to lose this feeling. This was the closest he'd felt to her, to himself, since before the Normandy's destruction ripped all that away from him. He tried to act casual, but he knew what he was offering wasn't casual. It was fucking life or death. But maybe that's what made it feel right, like what he should be doing. Garrus asked, "What if this wasn't a one time thing?"

They walked out of the alley, and his new friend seemed to think it was a joke, his adrenaline-boosted shoulders still shaking a little. "What, asking me on a date here?"

"I'm serious. You were right, the mercs run these people into the ground. Let's do something about it." The turian stopped dead, next to him. Maybe Garrus was reaching, and maybe this was crazy, but... "I'm game if you are."

"Serious?"

"Serious."

He couldn't really make out his face, if he thought Garrus was talking out of his ass. And he didn't really look too sure of himself when he finally looked at the sniper, but he started to smile. There was a fire there in his eyes that Garrus could see growing. "Alright, I'm game, too."

"Good." Just as they started walking again, Garrus found himself in a situation so untactful that it was almost Shepard-like. Maybe that was a good sign. Scratching his head, he asked, like an idiot, "Since I just agreed to risk my ass with you, what's your name, anyway?"

"Lantar." The guy extended his hand and Garrus shook it. And when he did, it felt good, like he was finally doing something with his life again. Maybe things were starting to look up for him, even without Shepard. He already got one guy to join his own, reckless crusade. The turian named Lantar finished off with, "I'm an ex-informant for the Blue Suns, Lantar Sidonis."

/

OH BOY I was such an asshole writer about avoiding his name til the end.

I'm sure quite a few of you figured it out before we got there, but I'm still hype.

Anyway, much thanks from my patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you want to support my stories (and a future of being fandom trash on Twitch with y'all) please check out my patron options from:

Twitter: Steph_Marceau

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Wattpad: user/GraceJordan13


	14. INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL- 100 Days

Their team was growing faster than Garrus or Sidonis could keep up. Their first base was Garrus' shitty apartment in Zakera Wards, where he and Sidonis stayed. It only took a free drink for Garrus to get Lantar's story. Sidonis wanted to bite back because the Blue Suns used to use Ward kids to run errands, get info, sneak in where they couldn't. Like Citadel Rats, but much more dangerous. He was a homeless kid and they gave him persk and safehouses; he grew up in their systems and never questioned it. That is, until they upgraded Sidonis to be a handler and then willingly sent all of his kids at a target to get killed. "Had to test their guns", they said. Most of his life, Sidonis just thought the danger was normal, that none of it was a big deal. But after none of his kids came back, he realized he was just one of the lucky ones.

He wanted to help make more lucky ones.

Worked for Garrus, and having a remorseful ex-informant gave them a lot more options on Omega. Garrus' name caught a little too much attention from the mercs who'd run into him and Shepard before, so they leaned on Sidonis' contacts to build up a team and get leads. And after a few duo missions to get the point across that they were serious, the locals started calling Garrus "Archangel".

It was a good enough code name.

In only a few months, they picked up infamy and six other guys. Apparently, word of trying to strike back against the mercs travelled fast.

The first to join up were locals, like Ryel Eros, Jawth, and Nikolai Butler. Ryel used to work for Aria as a guard, but went underground when he found some of her practices unsavory. Jawth used to help the rich stay safe on Omega, but he got sick of how many cameras refused to look out. Reminded him a little too much of his fracture homeworld. And Nikolai spent all his life on Omega, even was a member of Eclipse for a long time. But then he fell in love with his wife, Nalah, and he couldn't make excuses for himself anymore. Especially not when Eclipse sacrificed her merc sister, Ezzi, in favor of some payday.

Oddball outcasts like Gibbon Allus, Ro'Wytte Vas Omega, and Danit Zol followed. Without their own homes anymore, they wanted to do some good in one of the worst places in the galaxy. Garrus could hardly say no to a Salarian explosives expert, a Quarian trap technician, or a Batarian tech genius. Especially since he was pretty sure Gibbon had been in the STG at one point and the guy applied to the team by blowing up a whole lading dock.

Everything they did started small; protecting a few local businesses, stealing some drop offs to get in the gangs' way. They called themselves a merc group, but their money didn't come from people paying them for protection. That would make what they were doing pointless, a new band of thugs taking over. No, they stole from those drop offs and worked with that.

Back in the day, Shepard called that "Robin Hood style", when they took from bad guys. He finally bothered to look up the Earth story. He kinda liked the idea of it. It was just his style, too; breaking the rules to do the right thing.

Over time, Ryel and Sidonis' old connections started to net them serious jobs, and get them serious infamy along with it.

By the time they succeeded in their first big operation, breaking a nearby blackmailed mining colony out of the Blood Pack's grips, Garrus couldn't even take his guys out for drinks anymore. His gear was too recognizable. Instead, Butler's wife picked up the booze and they celebrated back in the dingy apartment.

It wasn't much space, but it was enough to fit eight guys and all their gear, so for one night it would do. And Garrus was finally feeling like a real person again, like the things he did mattered, so he was more than happy to drown himself in that, no matter how crowded it was.

Maybe he wouldn't have to drown himself if he still didn't think of Shepard each time Nikolai ordered vodka.

Even when things were going good, though, it was hard not to think about her sometimes. She would've loved this. At first she'd just find it hilariously absurd, this sheer variety of misfits banding together to try to fight merc presence on Omega of all places. But then Shepard would've admired it. Hell, she would've put everything she had into it. Maybe that's why he found himself so dedicated to pulling these guys together.

Yeah, he couldn't think about that too long or he'd be lost in a glass of ryncol again. And he avoided doing that nowadays.

Garrus just tried to enjoy what he had at the moment. Some good fighters, a good team, and they were doing some damn good.

And thank fucking spirits, they never asked him to make speeches.

Butler did like to get real talkative when he started drinking, though. Between his name and attitude, he was like the bizarre love child of Joker and Shepard, something both of them would find disgusting. Garrus had to admit, it made him like the guy more.

Standing on the damned table, Butler said, "To the asshole turian that brought us all together. I'd let you snipe me anyday, Garrus."

"Sounds like a pick-up line, but I'll take it."

Butler wasn't done. "I shot my first guy when he was trying to mug my friend, and Eclipse took me in. I thought they were saving me. But this? This is what's saving me."

Garrus wasn't sure what Nalah put in their drinks, but soon all of them were getting nostalgic. Across the room, Danit was fiddling with this handheld puzzle he always had with him. He didn't look up, but he added his own comments. "People don't expect Batarians to be much more than gun-toting mercs. I like proving them wrong, in every category."

Ro'Wytte started chuckling. "Hell, I enjoy being a good guy Quarian rebel. The Flotilla doesn't get to tell me how to make the galaxy a better place."

"I feel that way about STG."

Jawth chuckled from across the room. "It's the only reason why I like you, Salarian."

The constant troublemaker, Ryel, was the one sitting in the corner with his arms crossed. "Yeah, we all know each other's reasons for being here real well. Comes up in a cramped apartment. But what about you, Garrus? You've been pretty tight lipped about what got you here."

Moments like these cut a little too close to the woman he was failing to run from. Luckily, Alliance military wasn't too keen on sharing Shepard's team dossiers and Sidonis was the only one with an obsession for battle vids. As far as they knew, he was just a skilled turian sniper who wanted to bite back.

Before he could open his mouth, though, Sidonis started talking. "Garrus has the best story, guys, he-"

Garrus cut the well-meaning loud-mouth off. "I'm no one. Just an ex-C-sec who got tired of the red tape. After the Battle of the Citadel, I... lost myself. Ended up here. Couldn't help but try to do some good."

Everyone else wasn't really paying attention or didn't really care that much, but Ryel smirked at him like he knew a secret. "Okay, Vakarian, keep your secrets."

Growing uncomfortable with the spotlight, Garrus was about ready to spin some bullshit about his childhood or a lost girlfriend. But Gibbon and Danit bored easily, so the second conversation lulled, they lured most everyone into some sort of card game. Only three people weren't playing: Butler ditched to go home to his wife, and he and Sidonis stuck to the sidelines. He could already feel the questions burning in Lantar's mouth before he said anything.

It only took all of thirty seconds for Sidonis to ask, "Why are you keeping your past a secret from them?"

"They don't need to know."

"I dunno, if I knew my squad leader helped take down a rogue Spectre I'd find that pretty inspiring."

He was trying not to get annoyed, he really was, but Sidonis just didn't get it. Everything about that time in his life was choked out by Shepard. He could share stories, ideas with them. But having them know he was close buddies with the now dead Savior of the Citadel? He didn't want to go down that road with all their questions. His heart used to hemorrhage so much blood he could feel it every second of every day. Now, it just got weak sometimes. Garrus couldn't go back just because his team got curious.

Them falling in love with his "old hero days" with her would not help.

And he didn't want his team talking about her the way the vids did; it would be fucking unbearable.

Garrus just tried to keep his answer simple, though. "I don't want to make what we're doing about who I was then."

"Oh, I get it. You want them to see you as their leader, not Commander Shepard's lackey?"

The question was so self-centered, it stunned him. But did he really want to keep this line of conversation going, the kind that tiptoed around the awful truths of Anya Shepard and her long-gone ballet shoes? Yeah, thinking about that much longer felt much fucking worse than Sidonis not understanding him. With a wave, Garrus said, "Sure. That."

"Okay, so not that." Sidonis leaned against the wall next to him and said, "You know, you're not going to be able to keep it from them forever."

"Says who?"

"You really like leaning into this whole mysterious, masked vigilante thing, huh?" Sidonis laughed at him, but the more Garrus glared at him, he only seemed to find it funnier. "You're a regular turian Batman, scowl and all."

"Who the hell is Batman?"

Even though his mood was pretty soured, Sidonis had this nostalgic grin on his face that was kinda infectious. If Garrus wasn't so annoyed, he wouldn't hate it. "When I was a kid, one of the other Omega Rats had these old Earth comic books. They were filled with superheroes and we idolized them. One was a cranky guy named Batman, who was just a normal human, but with lots of tech, training, and dark hero-type convictions. You kinda remind me of him."

Garrus just stared at the guy, because everything that came out of his mouth sounded crazy. But he also didn't want to admit it sounded like some of the crazy human stories Shep used to share with him. He'd bought a couple James Bond vids on impulse, down at the shops. He didn't want to tell Sidnois that. Instead, he focused on the absurd hero part. "Why would anyone take a guy named Batman seriously."

"Coming from a guy code-named Archangel." Garrus growled, but Sidonis just kept on smirking. "You can glare and growl all you want, but you're a hero, backstory or not. Get used to the fact these guys just want to know you because they believe in you." Then, he bumped shoulders with him and added, "But if you want to remain a man of mystery, I got your back."

This time, Garrus stayed quiet, no growling or glaring. Because he didn't want to remember the same words coming out of his mouth only a few months ago, and where that got him. Or the woman he said them to.

Across the room, Danit and Ro started to argue about who was cheating, because of course one of them couldn't just lose. It was starting some chaos, and Sidonis went over to break it up. However dumb it was, it was nice to be apart of something again; something that brought good, weird people together.

He hated to admit how much it reminded him of the Normandy.

Looking at his guys, maybe where he ended up after Shepard wasn't so bad, after all. If it didn't take losing her to get here, he didn't want to change anything, honestly.

But losing her was still going to be the hardest part of all this, no matter what.

The best he could do was enjoy what he had left. Walking over to the table, he asked, "Deal me in?"

Jawth tossed a hand of cards to him, ready to go. "Never thought you'd ask. We need another guy with the proper quads in on this."

No one took that very well, but Garrus was happy to play the game to the sweet sound of their bickering. He was really starting to love hearing it.

/

I like Garrus' team more than I probably should, and it definitely made me a little over-indulgent and distracted while writing it.

BUT I did name some of these characters after my friends so I'm a little biased.

Thanks so much for enjoying my stories! Extra thanks to my patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you want to support my stories (and a future of being fandom trash on Twitch with y'all) please check out my patron options from:

Twitter: Steph_Marceau

Tumblr: CreativelyDisordered

Wattpad: user/GraceJordan13


	15. INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL- 143 Days

Garrus enjoyed the setup for jobs, and boy did he love the payoff, but there was one part that could really grind his plates.

The waiting.

To keep the crew safe and take the mercs off guard, they always got the right intel to set the gangs up. They'd make a killbox, lure them in, and use everything in their arsenal to knock 'em out before they even knew what was happening.

This hit, they were freeing an Asari captive from Eclipse. Well, she used to be one of them. But when Alla wanted out, Eclipse made it... difficult for her. The mercs were taking her out to this dock to be spaced, and Garrus and the team were waiting to stop that.

With them was Alla's half-brother, Oliver. His human mother had an affair with Alla's Eclipse mother when Ollie was a few years old. He didn't know about her until his mom was on her deathbed. Inconvenient timing, since just about the same time Eclipse almost got Alla killed, prioritizing a cash drop over her safety.

The night she was packing was the night Ollie called her on the extranet, and during their call Eclipse took her. Within the hour, Ollie quit his military post in the Alliance, because he'd be damned if he let his baby sister die.

So there they were, waiting, hiding in the overhang of the space dock and a few other key vantage points.

As far as their intel went, there was supposed to be a whole squad overseeing her execution, to make sure things went right. Apparently Alla knew too much for it to be any other way.

But once Eclipse got there, Garrus and co. would make sure to change that plan.

For now, they just twiddled their goddamn thumbs. Butler, his cover fire next to him, went real twitchy when he got bored.

Over the comms, though, he could tell a few others were getting antsy, too. Ollie most of all. "Christ, what if they bring her in her gear and there's other Asari? We can't shoot the wrong one."

Garrus tried to bring some levity. "Via, we just won't shoot the one who doesn't have a gun and isn't shooting at us. It'll be okay."

Butler added, "Anyway, Eclipse wouldn't have kept her in their gear. Trust me. I know." The scowl that Butler got made Garrus curious, but it probably wasn't the best time to ask. Anyway, it was easy to guess that this wasn't Nikolai's first Eclipse execution.

Much better at trying to keep spirits up, Sidonis piped in. "Hey, we got this, Via. We set up traps, hacked the doors, have some flash bangs and anti-biotic ammo. This is going to be a clean rescue. You'll get to meet your sister."

Ryel chuckled on the other end. "Hope you like her. If you didn't that'd be awkward." Garrus almost growled. Ryel could be a little shit sometimes.

"When we talked, she was ready to try to be a family. I don't give a shit if it was just because she wanted asylum. That's enough." Via sighed and added, "Anyway, I could see elcor theatre posters in her room. My mom loved them, too."

"Who would pay to see an elcor act?" Danit didn't seem as moved or amused as everyone else.

Gibbon cut in. "It's a matter of sentimentality for Oliver. When one misses a person, they attach to familiar memories. Though elcor acting is banal, his mother and Alla share the interest and therefore ties his sentimentality to both women."

"I think he was asking about the elcor part, not what it meant." Butler chuckled next to him. "But people like weird shit. My Nalah likes-"

"Hanar music, we know." Jawth was grumbling, but his voice got quieter as he added, "My brother used to have a pet Varren. Makes me bitter sometimes to shoot 'em."

"And Sidonis has all those old comic books. And Danit has his puzzlebox from his father. And Gibbon has his old STG tags, but just because he got to burn them. We all have our sentimental bullshit. Now stop crying or you idiots will set off my traps." Ro wasn't exactly one for these conversations, and Garrus wasn't surprised by his outburst.

But luckily, no one gave a shit about his crankiness. Ryel instead just continued talking. "I used to have a friend when I was a kid, an army brat. When my family was helping the Alliance, she didn't treat me like an alien freak. I still have the bracelet she gave me when I left. She called it Kolodochka, whatever the hell that means."

Garrus was getting flashbacks to all of Shepard's random dialect inserts. "Wait, isn't that Russian?"

"No clue." Looking at Butler, the man also shrugged. Great, so now he had a weird part of his brain collecting and flipping through Shepard memories, and no one had any answers for him. He could feel the back of his neck heating up, wondering if she had ties to Ryel. Didn't she tell him, on Noveria, that she kissed a Drell in a closet or something? Ryel interrupted his thoughts, though. "Why do you ask?"

Caught way off guard at this point, words just starting spilling out of his mouth. "I don't know a lot about human culture, but I had a... friend whose mother was from Russia. It came up a lot. She even danced ballet to classic Russian music when she was stressed- wait, Spirits, she wouldn't want me talking about that."

Across the line, Ro snorted. "Sounds like Garrus had a Russian girlfriend. That's a surprise."

Okay, he was officially over all this conversation. "Don't have a thing for humans, Ro. Now get it together before you pop the suit laughing and ruin your own traps." Everyone was quickly distracted by his joke, and started talking low about their strategies and who made what better thing.

But next to him, Butler cut his comms and asked, "But you did like her, didn't you?"

Garrus was not about to deal with this shit again. "No. Now focus on the mission."

"C'mon, I'm the married one. If anyone gets it, I do. What was her name?"

Throughout his skull, Shepard's name started beating like an unstoppable drum. And he didn't need that right now, not when he was moving forward with his life. He was supposed to be moving forward. That's what you did when you lost people, and he couldn't keep falling into traps and looking back.

He couldn't keep looking back for her. She wasn't coming back.

"Butler, I'm not asking you again."

"Garrus, you don't-"

Before he could say another word, there was a crash down below. Over comms, Danit's monotone voice was a pitch or two higher. "Where the hell did they come from? The door wasn't triggered."

Using the sights on his sniper, Garrus pin-pointed an equally shocked looking woman. She was steadying herself, tan skin sweaty, a smirk on her lips despite the clear tension in her muscles. In her hand was a detonator. _Shit_.

Standing up, he had to act fast. Yelling down from his vantage point he said, "I don't know how the hell you got in here, but you're surrounded. Put the detonator down and nobody has to get hurt."

"Without this detonator, _you're_ going to get hurt." He thought his spot was well hidden, but she tossed it up his way. It sailed with a lot more force than he thought a human arm was capable of. "You brought the wrong one."

Garrus grabbed the one she gave him and sent Gibbon a concerned look. After a quick look in his pack, Gibbon looked more alarmed than he did. "Shit. She's right."

"We can talk about you forgetting our detonator later." Looking down at the strange woman on the space dock floor, he asked, "Thanks? But how'd you know-"

"It's better you don't ask questions. Especially since your target will be here any second now. Just stay alive, Mr. Vakarian." She started to run towards the exit, but then added, "If you ever run into me again, name's Sam." And then before she hit the door, she disappeared completely.

Jawth was the first to say, "Why the hell don't we have that tech?"

They started to bicker about it, whether it be about the science behind it or the fact she didn't trigger a single trap. But Garrus was more concerned about the fact she found them and that there was a chance they could run into her again.

If they didn't have the right detonator, in theory the job would've still worked. In theory, she didn't need to come, whatever she was. But maybe she knew something they didn't.

Before he could even get a word in, join in on the confusion or hype, the doors started to open across the space dock. He shoved Butler's head back down and got behind cover. "Get down and shut up, we're about to have company."

And what company it was.

It was more than their contact told them; three squadrons and even a mech, loaned from the Blue Suns. Without Gibbon's explosives, they might've lost some people trying to fight it out. Whoever the mysterious "Sam" was, she helped save their asses.

But chatter about the disappearing woman was overruled by getting the dangerously weak Alla back to base and realizing they were making bigger splashes than ever before.

In some ways, it was thrilling, knowing they were getting this far underneath the mercs' skin. Others? They had some powerful targets on their backs. While he felt a little cynical and sour about the situation, Sidonis was much more positive. While they watched Butler's doctor wife patch Ollie's sister up, he said, "They've started noticing us, Garrus."

"I'm pretty sure they always noticed us."

"No, you don't get it. They expect shit to go haywire sometimes, or that a rando might play hero. But we're doing more than that now." Sidonis shook his head, looking at the people around the room, like he was in awe. "They hear us now and they're scared. Scared enough to bring 3 squadrons to an execution they heard we _might_ raid."

Sidonis patted his back and walked out of the room. No matter how grumpy he wanted to be, Garrus had to admit Sidonis was right. This meant they were changing things.

But that didn't mean he had to feel secure about it quite yet. What he needed to do was prepare for the pushback. Sidonis could be their silver lining guy; Garrus was there to keep them alive.

And dammit, he was not about to lose anyone just because they wanted to save lives and some asshole decided to snuff them out. Not again.

It was time for some upgrades.

/

This might be a short chapter, but I got to include a fan cameo (Danyell's OC time traveler, Sam). Next chapter is the end of the Intermission and then back to Part 2 with Anya and Garrus :). Get hyped friends!

Much thanks to you fans, but extra thanks to my patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

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	16. INTERMISSION ARCHANGEL- The End

Shepard had been dead 232 days.

Garrus had been going over their new security measures when the apartment's front door pinged. It wasn't a sound he heard often, since all the crew had their own codes to the back door. But the Via siblings were new, and Butler's wife did sometimes stop by, so he figured it was just one of them.

What he didn't expect was a female turian with blue markings to have her arms crossed, looking at him like he just committed a crime. Before he could react, the glare faded and she smiled at him. Garrus' head still wasn't fully straight when she pulled him into her arms.

It only clicked together that this wasn't some damn fever dream when she started talking. "Happy birthday, baby brother!"

Oh. It was that day.

"I'd ask if I surprised you, but I already know I did." The second he shut his door behind him, closing off his vigilante world from his family, that damned brain of hers caught on and she peered at him. "I know you wouldn't have anything planned for your birthday, so what are you hiding?"

If it was his father, he could lie and say a woman and the man would happily walk away from the shut door, uninterested. But Solana was a different beast. She was curious, intrusive, and interested in damn near anything. It would be hard to keep her out of his apartment, lined with guns, gear, and a krogan casing the joint.

Also, she definitely would give him shit for his undecorated bedroom and that was a blast from the past he never wanted to deal with again.

So, his best shot was to go truth adjacent. "There was a break-in on my block. I have a consultant in there retrofitting my place with more security."

"You caring about your own well-being and safety is... new, but I won't complain." Solana snorted and shook her head at him, in her normal well-meaning but condescending way. "Only you would schedule a security consultation on your birthday. Were you going to do anything at all?"

Garrus leaned against his door and tried not to look too pissed off, because Solana knew the answer to that and was really just trying to push his buttons. Sure, that would be a stretch for anyone else, but his big sister? He knew how she operated. Probe for intel and then use that intel to make whatever point she was making infallible. He stuck with, "You know the answer to that."

"Doesn't the fact I know the answer to that speak volumes to the issue at hand?" Dammit. And he thought he said something neutral. Before he could spike back, she added, "It's been three years, Garrus, you're not dancing on mother's grave just because you dare to enjoy your birthday."

Now that one was a funny answer. "Really Sol? That's easy for you to say when she didn't die on yours."

"I've never liked the guilt games you and father play. Just yesterday he was messaging me about how it's his fault you react poorly to death and rebel. But do either of you do anything with that guilt? Because that's progress I'd like to see." Garrus almost laughed, because the one thing close to progress was also the one thing he really didn't want her to see. "Life happens. Death happens. Now, if I remember correctly, I begged for a sibling. So if not for yourself, let's celebrate the happiest day of my four year old life, meeting my little brother."

He wanted to stay mad and indignant, maybe even scare her off. But dammit, he cared too much about Solana for that. Groaning, he pushed off the door and conceded. "Fine, let's go get some food and see a flick or something. You did come all this way to see me."

"You're right, I did, so thank you for appreciating it." She walked forward first and he took the opportunity to cover his tracks. With a flick of his wrist he typed out a quick message to Jawth and Sidonis, asking them to hide the guns and clean up the place before he got back; that his sister came for a surprise visit.

They agreed without asking a single question. Which was good, because he'd rather off himself than tell those assholes what day it was.

Now the real landmine was keeping Solana from looking too deeply into the Archangel rumors. If that caught her interest, he was sure she could figure it out. He didn't expect her to snitch to their father, who would objectively hate what he was doing, but he also didn't know how she'd react.

Garrus just wanted his sister to remain his annoying, inordinately supportive sister. He didn't want that to get complicated.

Somehow, he managed to dodge all Archangel talk the entire time. His most impressive save was pretending to choke on something to be louder than and scare off a guy at the cafe who wouldn't stop talking about his crew and their latest hit. Solana definitely didn't need to hear about "That blue-ass sniper turian."

That was more than enough to get her curious.

When they got to his apartment door, he almost breathed a sigh of relief. They'd made it, all the way back to his place, and she still didn't know. She could spend the night here and then he could send her back off to her life on Palaven, no harm no foul.

But for all his attempts, he'd forgotten one small, terrible little factor.

Sidonis knew who he was, and that man had a lot of contacts.

The second the metal panels slid open, every single one of his team was there, grinning like mad, with a garrish looking cake stuffed with candles. And right in front of his sister, the fuckers yelled, "Happy birthday, Archangel."

There were a lot of times with Shepard he wished to kill a man, but this time, he wanted to kill nine.

Solana just glared at him with a knowing smirk. "I fucking knew you were hiding something!"

Garrus grabbed her arm and took her outside, where all his idiot team wasn't watching. He started talking, fast. "Sol, I-"

"If you say you're sorry, I'll know you're lying." She shook her head. "So you're the infamous merc-killer? Honestly, I should've known. It was probably just wishful thinking." He was too overwhelmed to know what to say to that, but luckily Sol was happy to fill in the blanks. "I won't tell father. He would hate you for doing this. Just don't keep secrets from me, okay? I love you."

"I can give you that."

"Good. Now, why don't we enjoy your party that your team set up?" Before she walked through the door, she squeezed his arm and frowned. A classic Sol look of distaste; last time he saw it, it was when a co-worker of hers tried to ask her on a date because "she had to say yes to someone eventually". If Solana was less composed, he was sure she would've punched him. "I'm not eating that cake, though."

"Don't worry. I would have told you not to."

/

Shepard had been dead 365 days.

All he could see were her eyes. Soft green, always laughing at something. Until she wasn't. But wherever things were good, she was laughing, and hard. Garrus couldn't quite get his head straight, but he hoped he said something funny. More than likely, what actually happened was that he did something awkward and dumb, but that was almost just as good.

When he started scanning the room, he realized they were by one of the observation windows on the Normandy. Despite all the chaos in their lives, they'd taken a moment to look at the stars. He always liked it here. Why'd he never bring her here?

Even when she stopped laughing, she kept smiling. Like she always did after a long day, she pulled her hair out of that tight bun thing and kept on shaking it with her fingers. Sometimes he wondered what it felt like, and not like when he accidently touched it during movie night. Like how she was doing, hands all in.

But it was safe to say that was a bit more than a CO and an ex C-sec officer should be doing.

He wasn't quite sure what he was saying, or why he was saying it, but he told her, "When I look at the stars, I think of you." Garrus wasn't really sure when he got all bold. Maybe it was this haziness he was feeling.

Shepard raised one of her hairy eyebrows at him. "We live in space. On a spaceship. We see stars almost constantly."

Garrus took a step closer to her, sometimes wondering how she got anywhere with how oblivious she could be. And god knows he normally wasn't this smooth but this time, right here, he said what he wanted to. "Exactly my point."

Blinking, it took her a few seconds to register what he said, and she even turned to look up at him. But when their eyes did meet? Hers softened like for once, she finally got it. Her cheeks even did that little blush thing when she was embarrassed. "Oh."

With that look, was like all of his normal discomfort came rushing back, all those feelings that always told him not to say stupid shit like that. He shouldn't have said that, right? All those things she said she felt were byproducts of a lonely, drunk night where he got too close and she was alone enough to get stuck on it. She didn't like it, she couldn't, and it was weird, he was ruining the whole friendship thing... "Shepard, forget I said that-"

But then, she did that human thing they always saw in movies. She got on her toes and pressed her lips against his. It was weird, soft skin against his plates, but it was _her _skin, and that was what mattered.

Maybe he hadn't ruined everything.

Shepard said, "I won't forget-"

Everything seemed so right, but just then the wall blew open and Shepard was being sucked out into space. Again. He tried to grab onto her arms, legs, anything to keep her there. No matter what he reached for, she slipped through his goddamn fingers.

When he woke up, his body was shaking and he wrapped his arms around his legs. He hated to admit this wasn't the first time he had a dream like that, one where Shepard wasn't gone.

Garrus had tried so hard to keep her at bay. One year later, but she was always still there.

As long as he could help it, though, his nightmares would be the only place she had left to live. Elsewhere, he had work to do. And as much as he felt for her, pined for her, his life didn't have place for stubborn, Russian spectres.

Garrus had a station to protect.

/

Shepard had been dead for 728 days.

He never should've left the apartment. Garrus figured his team could cover the last of the security measures while he helped Sidonis. It should've been easy.

But when he got there, Sidonis never showed up. And when he got back, there was blood everywhere.

He trusted Sidonis, from the first day he met him. The damned turian seemed honest about wanting to save people. But here they were, and Lantar fucked them.

They were all going to die here, weren't they?

Most everyone was down already. Their corpses were strewn all over the place, their faces locked in horror or dull emptiness. The only ones left alive were Ryel, Gibbon, and Butler.

But from the looks of it, Butler didn't have much longer.

He yelled at the crippled leftovers of his team and asked, "How's it looking?"

Gibbon answered, "Understandably terrible. We have a vantage point, but they have many waves of mercs."

Ryel added, "This balcony view is not as pretty with bullets and brains flying everywhere."

Before he could respond, Butler grabbed Garrus' arm. His abdomen was covered in blood and he could see his stomach lining. The guy normally wore gray pants, but they looked like they'd been dyed red. "I'm not gonna make it, huh?"

"Butler-"

"Nah, I know." He coughed. Garrus couldn't lie to him. "As much as I'd like to go screaming out Nalah's name, I want to hear about something that doesn't break my heart. Tell me about your Russian girl, Garrus. And for real this time."

For all the times Garrus shoved her away, maybe Butler was right. If he was going to die, he'd rather hear about her one last time. He said to the other two, "Hold the line and be careful."

Then, he sat down next to Butler and held his hand. After all this time, nearly two years, he just started talking about Shepard like she really was. "Her name was Anya. She was competitive to a fault and loved saying quotes while she watched movies. She loved to dance, but just by herself. She was a brave leader, but what mattered more was that she was... She was a beautiful, squishy human."

"A human? Never woulda guessed." He knew he already told Butler she was human, but it wasn't really the time to contradict him. Blood loss never helped make the brain a stronger machine.

Instead, Garrus just kept talking, his grip on Butler's hand getting tighter as the memories and feelings wound around his chest. "Me neither, but from all your stories, you didn't sound like you expected to fall in love with an Asari either."

"You're right. I didn't. Tell me more?"

"She was a classic soldier, until she wasn't. An infiltrator class, great with a pistol, terrifying, even. But sometimes she'd walk into debriefings with sweatpants and her hair a mess, swearing about something the pilot did to her toothpaste. And I wondered how that person was the same one that inspired a whole ship, every day. But she did."

"And?" Butler looked at him knowingly, deliberately.

Today, Garrus let the dying man win. "And you were right, Butler. I loved her."

With one final smirk, his hand fell.

When Butler stopped breathing, Garrus picked up his gun, got behind cover like Ryel and Gibbon, and started shooting.

If he was going to go down, he was gonna go down fighting. And this time, he wouldn't stop thinking about her. This time, if he was gonna die, she'd be the last thing on his mind.

No matter where he went, he was stuck with her. Forever.

/

After a little interlude into Garrus' two years without Shepard, we can finally start getting Anya awake and moving in his direction. I am SO ready.

I read on tumblr yesterday that apparently a lot of people write their own version of 4 things: their first meeting, the rocket-to-the-face, the night before the suicide mission, and "this is the best spot on the citadel.

I know it's stupid, but I honestly feel kinda proud that I ignored their first meeting entirely. And also that my suicide mission night will be VERY different. Is it a stupid thing to be proud of? Yes, but at my core I'm kinda a trash hipster and I can feel pride and shame in that.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! And extra thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danypooh80

Amy Connolly

If you want to help support my writing and my goal to create a fun, pro-fandom community, please check one of these places (or my bio) for more information:

My Tumblr: CreativelyDisordered

My Twitter: Steph_Marceau

My Wattpad: user/GraceJordan13


	17. Part 2- Chapter 1: Breathe Again

"Wake up, Shepard!"

As she fell through the haze of darkness and brain fog, she saw flashes of dark space, burning light, and bright blue eyes. When her eyes started to flutter open to a blindingly white lab ceiling and the loud voice sharpened until she could identify it as a woman's. Memories were starting to come back to her, and she was only more confused realizing that the last thing she knew, her lungs were popping and she was dying. On instinct, she clutched her chest, but her lungs were functioning just fine, sucking in normal air.

And based on the heart thudding in her chest, dying wasn't the case anymore.

She didn't really have the time to think about that for long, though. Between the overcom instructions and muscle memory, she basically ran like a bot on command. Anya understood she was in a Cerberus facility, and she got that yes, she did die, but they brought her back, and that this Jacob guy was way too friendly. But past that? She just shot shit and hoped it worked out. Lucky for her, some of her muscles felt even nicer than she remembered.

By the end of it, she was helping out the uncomfortably attractive Miranda person and too-friendly Jacob survive their own base. The weird part, though, was having other people all up in arms about protecting her. Because from what she could gather, the organization pumped billions of credits into her.

If she was ever asked how much weight on her back might finally break her, billions might do it.

Anya still couldn't quite wrap her head around it. Culture and firefights were her wheelhouse. Economics were not. All the numbers and metrics Miranda kept throwing just gave her dark flashbacks to when her mother abandoned her in Alliance accounting to "learn a thing or two" and she just ended up hiding in a closet.

Mostly unrelated, that's how she met her first crush, Ryel. He was also hiding from "learning a thing or two".

Honestly, Anya wasn't even sure her brain knew how to process linear time until they were back at another Cerberus base. Jacob had asked her some questions about her record and memory, but she did that on autopilot.

Hopefully she answered everything right.

When she finally felt like she could count her fingers in a row without getting distracted, she was already being thrown in front of the infamous Illusive Man.

He blabbered on about his investments and creations and all his plans for her, like any manipulative movie villain. Shepard was quick to cut him off. "What stops me from taking the resources you give me and heading straight back to the Alliance?"

Looking a little shocked, he laughed. "I can't help but admire your bluntless, however ill-advised." His fingers twined into each other as he sat on his asshole chair. Anya wished she could kick the hologram over, but she knew what that kind of look meant: a planned answer. "Let's put it this way, Shepard: you're basically walking around with a Cerberus receipt on your back. Go back to the Alliance, too up in their own asses getting defensive instead of offensive, and you'll be grounded until they decide you're not a spy. I'll give you much more flexibility, as long as you take my concessions."

"And what are those?"

"Use my ships, my people, my contacts. Hunt down the Collectors. Pull together dossiers that I suggest and you like. Do whatever you want, just make sure to send reports back to me."

"So I don't have to follow your dumbass orders?"

"Unfortunately, you seem most effective on your own." It was at least a little satisfying that he seemed genuinely annoyed by that fact. Guy might be an asshole, but a pragmatic one. "As much as your ideology and attitude pain me, Shepard, you are the best shot humanity has. Backing you is the only option."

"Understood." Shepard paused, not sure if she wanted to bring up the people that mattered most to her in front of him. But when it came to saving lives, she needed to factor them into the equation. "Any of these dossiers for my old teammates? People I trust?"

"Wrex and Tali are tied up with their people. Kaidan is an Alliance boy, through and through. T'soni is deliberately elusive, and Vakarian has gone dark. But I do have one surprise for you."

Anya's heart had already stopped dead at the thought of Garrus being MIA, but there had to be more to it. He had to be alright. Cerberus was a shady organization with a wealth of information. "Gone dark" couldn't be it. Maybe they had a few clues and, if they passed them along, she could find him. After all this, she couldn't come back to a galaxy without those bright blue eyes in it. Her favorite, dumb turian had to be somewhere and she had to be able to find out where. She opened her mouth and said, "Wait-"

But the Illusive Man gave her a wave and the most irritating smirk she'd ever seen in her life. "We'll talk again soon enough, Shepard." And then he disappeared, leaving the room an empty, black square.

She was ready to shoot his dumb face for cutting her off. While Anya knew that really wasn't an option, she at least kicked her foot at the ground like she kicked his stupid chair out from under him. It was marginally satisfying.

But most of all, she was mad because regardless if Garrus was missing, he was fucking right about the Alliance. She needed to get shit done, not get stuck in bureaucracy. Bastard had her under his thumb. For now.

All her violent thoughts went silent, though, when she walked out to see someone she'd never expect in a Cerberus uniform.

Chronic lean and annoying smile in tow, Joker said, "about time you dragged your ass out of the grave."

Anya didn't mean to, but she pulled him into her arms and hugged him, tight. It was the first time anything in this new reality of hers felt real. He groaned under her grip. Anya released his shoulders, hoping she didn't break anything. After everything, seeing him... It was so refreshing she had to hold on tight. She said, "Sorry! Sorry. How are you...?"

"Cerberus said they were rebuilding you and my baby. And Alliance didn't feel right without you. How the hell could I say no?"

Overall she still wasn't sure how she felt about Joker in a Cerberus uniform, but it didn't matter. Everything about this moment was overwhelming, and after hours of dazed autopilot, it all hit her. She lost two years, lost time with the people she loved, and now she was back and at least Joker was still here. Anya didn't mean to, but her eyes welled up with tears. "It's so good to see you."

"Hell, Shep. Don't think I've ever seen you cry." What he said was a joke, but Joker put a hand on her shoulder.

Regaining composure, on instinct Shepard shrugged his hand off. But the second she did, she grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. It felt so wrong to push him away, knowing she'd lost him. And if it wasn't for Cerberus, it would've been forever. "This rebooted body comes with a lot of surprises." In her head, she kept replaying every second here with him, trying to notice any possible differences in his face, voice, demeanor. She couldn't help but notice he seemed a little seriouser, even if his humor didn't show it. But then something he said came back to her, and she raised an eyebrow. "Wait, what did you say about your baby?"

He smirked. "Come with me."

Anya followed him down a few halls until they were in front of a huge docking window. She didn't mean to stop breathing, but right in front of her-

"The Normandy. Good as new, eh? With some new Cerberus features. Chairs are nicer, but the crew still isn't mine yet. Having my family there will make it better." Joker leaned on the railing and looked right at her. "Leaving the Alliance wasn't easy, but if it meant having you and my ship? There wasn't any other option." Grumbling, he also added, "Anyway, they grounded me for way too long after the funeral."

His jokes slid right past her consciousness. Instead, Anya was just staring at the ship that changed her life; the one she called home. It was different, but it was hers. That wasn't some easy thing to swallow. Hell, none of this was easy to swallow. "Oh my god. I still can't believe you're Cerberus. What did my mother say about you doing this?"

"You think I have a death wish? No, I delayed that suffering. As far as Oksana knows, I went on a trip and fell off the grid. If I'm lucky, she'll just think I went on a bender."

"Christ. Mama bear's going to kill you."

Joker scoffed and bumped Shepard's shoulder. With so much new tissue in her body, it almost felt alien. But the memories? They made sure Anya knew that she just got some of her family back. He countered, "Me? Talk about yourself, zombie commander."

"Maybe we seek forgiveness once this blows over, not ask permission."

"Sounds good enough to me."

Trying to stay casual, Anya kept all her stunned staring to a minimum. But she did admit to him how important seeing him was, in her own way. She wasn't the best with saying what she should. She just hoped it was enough. "I'm happy to see a familiar face. None of this felt... Real."

"I know, right?" Joker rolled his shoulders, and she wondered who'd been bandaging his shoulders or keeping an eye out for him the past two years. He didn't need it, per se, but it was apart of who she was with him. It made her chest ache, knowing how his routines changed because she got herself killed. Who did he go to when he got drunk? Or was he just alone now?

Joker himself interrupted her thoughts. "These Cerberus guys don't tell me anything. Are we getting any of the old team?"

If her heart wasn't caving in enough about Joker, what the Illusive Man said about Tali, Kaidan, Garrus... It all hit her like a thundering pack of Varren. Anya shook her head at him. "No one. A lot has changed in two years. It looks like it's just you and me this time, spearheading a new crew."

"I haven't seen most of them since the funeral. None of us were the same, after that." She watched his shoulders sag, a weight and responsibility she'd never seen on him. He stood up straight and said, refusing to meet her eyes, "Anya, I'm-"

"Don't." Leaning her head on his shoulder, she added, "I would do it again in a heartbeat."

Sighing, Joker flashed her a smile that didn't seem all that real, but she still appreciated it. "Ready to save the Galaxy again?"

"Nope. But we're going to do it anyway."

"Sounds about right."

/

I so very much my best girl Anya Shepard. I love the strong badass and awkward middle school ballerina wrapped up on one. Time for her to get back to saving the galaxy, friends!

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! And extra thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danypooh80

Amy Connolly

If you want to help support my writing, my Twitch aspirations, and my goal to create a fun, pro-fandom community, please check one of these places (or my bio) for more information:

My Tumblr: CreativelyDisordered

My Twitter: Steph_Marceau

My Wattpad: user/GraceJordan13


	18. Part 2- Chapter 2: Alliance Stowaways

Before she could even adjust to being back on the Normandy with people she didn't know, and even before she could introduce herself to any of them, they were passing by a new colony hit by The Collectors, Freedom's Progress. Anya remembered duty-life was high pace and unexpected, but it kinda felt like she hadn't had time to breathe.

And the entire thing was overwhelmed by waves of emotion, because not only did they find a derelict colony, but they found Tali, too. Her Tali, engineering extraordinaire, cute laugh, and all. She was a leader, now. Watching her felt surreal, seeing the awkward wingwoman of Ash Williams so sure of herself now. They pushed down opposite sides of the pavilion, but all Anya wanted to do was fight by her side again.

But that wasn't her place anymore. It was Tali's team.

When they shot down the last bots and got to the one survivor, Veetor, he was a mess. They did some quick questioning, but it wasn't long before the guy just needed a blanket around his shoulders and to get cared for back home. Tali's people were walking him back to their ship and Anya felt so desperate to not let her go. Not again.

Being an emotional wimp about asking people to stay was part of her charm, though. And how could she ask Tali to give up being a leader just to be on her ship again? That'd be selfish. So she hugged her, told her to keep in touch, and made a few jokes about coming back from the dead.

Then, she watched Tali walk away from her.

She understood how important it was for Tali to continue supporting the Flotilla and getting Veetor home. But also her chest deflated as one more reminder of who she really was floated away.

Walking down the halls of the Normandy, wondering when they'd get to the Citadel so she could get some proper sweats instead of these ridiculous Cerberus slacks, it all was just too much. Too-friendly Jacob had barely let her breathe post-mission before he was taking her on this tour of her own ship.

It made sense why he was doing it, there were a lot of changes to Joker's beautiful baby. At the same time, though, she could feel wisps of memories in every corridor. Pressley used to give her bad jokes and every opinion he'd ever had on the command deck. She met Kaidan in the cockpit, where now it was just Joker and some AI named EDI bickering. Tali's engine room station was replaced by two funny engineers named Gabby and Donnely, but the way they played off each other was a little overwhelming for her jumbled brain.

And when they passed the battery, and he told her this was where the ships' gun calibrations were, she knew this was where Garrus would've belonged. But he didn't, because this wasn't quite her Normandy, and he wasn't here. The turian that got her through Saren was MIA. Maybe even-

Anya couldn't think about that or everything felt even more hazy.

Things brightened up, though, when Jacob walked her into the med-bay. Much to her surprise, the doc wasn't a stranger. She was an old friend. Prim, silver-haired, and beautiful as ever.

Much faster than she could get a word out, Anya pulled Dr. Chakwas into her arms. She said, "Good to see a friendly face."

"I'm sure, Shepard." When she pulled back, Chakwas touched her cheek. Part of it was affection, but the doctor also had her intense "medic" glare on. "Cerberus still hasn't erased the scars they left on you."

Her fingers waved away the woman's hand and brushed her own cheek; it was sensitive, but not painfully so. "Yeah, well, I'm no stranger to scars. Adds character."

Chakwas laughed at her. "Like you need any more character." A million moments and memories seemed to pass between them, half with Shepard in sweats swearing about some stitches. While she didn't mind scars, stitches always made her skin itch.

But that wasn't important. What was important was that she sniped another top-tier Alliance officer just by coming back from the dead. "How'd you end up here? I never thought-"

"I'd leave the Alliance? I haven't quite. You wrack up a lot of shore leave by my age. And when I heard there was going to be another ship captained by Commander Shepard, I had to join."

Jacob coughed into his hand and stood up straight, giving Anya an apologetic look. Considering he was interrupting Chakwas, it wasn't nearly apologetic enough. At her glare, he looked a little unsettled. "Hate to break up the reunion, but we still have a lot to see."

"Fine." Crossing her arms over her chest, Anya gave Chakwas a serious look. "I'm coming back later for you. You, Joker, and I are having dinner."

"I wouldn't miss it."

Following Jacob out of the med bay, she kinda wished she could karate chop his head off. It was like she got a new Alliance lackey without as many Chain of Command perks. And at least Alliance soldiers looked at her like a living legend; Jacob looked at her like a cash prize Cerberus won after some high stakes gambling. She was pretty sure she hated that more than the heroic evangelizing.

Anya also didn't enjoy being stuck in an elevator with him and, with four floors on the Normandy SR-2, it had happened way too much in one day. The dude radiated an uncomfortable amount of self-confidence and heat. She wasn't sure yet if any of it was justified.

Lucky for her, when the door opened he gestured for her to walk onto their final floor: the captain's quarters. Anya entered her room and was barely listening to him, marvelling at it. There was a great desk spot, shelves, a huge bed, a couch that looked even nicer than her Alliance one. If she ever did movie night-

Before she could stop herself, Anya winced. Once she stood in the center of the room, Jacob said, "And this is where you'll stay, concluding our tour."

She was a little cranky about that. Anya definitely could've talked a few more minutes with Chakwas and shown herself this room. But Jacob just kept talking. "Since we're not military, things can be a little more luxurious than the typical Alliance ship. Keeps the people happy."

"Wild to think this is mine." She pressed her fingers to the glass of the empty fish tank. Guess Cerberus wanted her to upgrade from her plants on the Normandy. Feeling a pang of nostalgia in her heart, Anya remembered how much she loved waking up to her succulents and ivy. She'd have to get some more since hers got blown out into space.

That thought didn't make her feel so good, either.

"Best Commander in the galaxy deserves it." Anya nearly vomited. She wasn't great with the overblown compliments, but she hated it even more coming from a soldier subordinate. Gave her too many memories of regretted conversations with one Kaidan Alenko.

Jacob didn't seem to catch her distaste, though, and continued gushing like a proper fanboy. If only he knew how much she hated it. "Just wanted to say, it's an honor serving under you. I expected the best, but being in a fight with you.. It's something else."

Yep, this was three steps too close to Alenko territory. Remembering what happened the last time someone talked like that and got her alone in her quarters, Anya got a little overwhelmed by the panic in her gut. It was seething, begging for things to be less complicated this time. She was a soldier first, not her teammate's fantisized sex dream.

Shepard blurted, "I have a hard rule against intimate relationships with my subordinates."

Turning towards her, Jacob peered. If anything he seemed surprised. Shit. He was just being a fanboy, not the Alenko kind, wasn't he? With an uncomfortable nod, he said, "O-kay. Duly noted." He walked past her, careful not to touch her at all. "If you need anything, Miranda's just a deck below and I'm by command."

Then, he was gone.

Of all her years as a commander, she did a great job being everyone's friend. At some points she almost convinced herself she was charismatic. But the second a topic made her uncomfortable? Anya clammed up.

That was normal enough in the early days, but since her last mission she panicked about someone having the hots for her, becoming even more of a bumbling idiot.

Liara, Kaidan, and Garrus broke her, didn't they?

Deciding she was over thinking about the romance politics on the old Normandy, Anya went over the dossiers The Illusive Man gave her. He recommended first to pick up a Salarian scientist on Omega, one who might be able to synthesize against the Collector nerve bugs. Past that, there was an old, seasoned merc named Zaeed that Cerberus bought out, some merc-killer named Archangel, the Krogan Warlord Okeer, a high-stakes thief named Kasumi, and some super-biotic, Jack, on a prison ship.

Cerberus' picks of team members were definitely a bit more... colorful than hers ever were. The shadiest person she worked with was Wrex, and that one was currently trying to create a unified Tuchanka. Wasn't exactly the same as a straight up war criminal.

Considering the calibre of people The Illusive Man wanted her to get, brilliant but dangerous, Shepard thought it best to read over the whole files. All it took was a glance over Jack's file to realize she was a girl, and that would've been a dumb, unecessary false assumption. Also, Zaeed had beef with the Blue Suns and Okeer was working with them, so that might cause some conflict she had to be aware of.

But just as she was opening Kasumi's file, arguably the tamest of the bunch, her omni-tool pinged. It was Joker. The guy preferred audio files because texting put too much pressure on his bones sometimes, so she turned up her volume. "You wanted dinner? Get your ass down here."

Anya ran her hands through her hair. Typical. Of course she would forget a dinner she planned herself. Literally only twenty four hours back with Joker and he already had something to give her shit about.

She was doing a great job turning over a new leaf in her second chance at life.

Trying to act casual, Anya quickly brushed her messy as hell hair and used the elevator to get to the crew dec. When she got there, Joker and Chakwas were leaning back in their chairs, like parents who caught their kid sneaking in late. They even had a pizza in between them.

Joker smirked and gave her the snark she expected. "We were waiting here for half an hour before we realized your dumb ass got all workaholic on us already."

"There's a lot to catch up on, Sue me." Shepard sat down and put a slice of pizza in her mouth. Classic cheese and garlic. She gave Chakwas a thumbs up for her cooking prowess. Sure, it was probably a frozen pizza, but Chakwas' always tasted better than anyone else's. In between bites she said, "Thanks."

"You're welcome, Shepard."

After she wolfed down half a slice, she asked, "While I eat like an animal, is there anything big in the Alliance I missed?"

Joker started. "Without your backing, Udina took over the council seat. Granted, I think Anderson was relieved."

She shrugged. That was what happened when you chose a seasoned, bad luck soldier to make your political decisions. Anya always figured Anderson would quit the job eventually. "Figures."

Chakwas looked a lot more hesitant with her comment, but she still did it with a smile. "I did a mission stint on the SS Marakov. Can report you're an easier Shepard to have a meal with."

Joker added, "I also spent some time with Oksana. She's buried herself in work. They left for a deep space recon mission a few months ago. No clue when they'll get back."

Anya kept chewing, trying to wrap her head around everything they were saying. The doctor's eyes were soft and sympathetic as she said, "To be quite honest, other than losing you... Not too much has changed. Although, the space you left was very real " Chakwas placed her hand of hers and it was so tender that Anya swallowed down the last of the pizza in her mouth. Everything was a wild mess, after dying, but it was so comforting to know people had her back.

And then Joker somehow ruined and enhanced the wholesome moment all at the same time. "To be really quite damn honest, it never felt real. I always felt like you should be showing up any moment to kick my ass for doing something dumb."

Before she could tell them how much their words meant to her, Miranda was over the intercoms. "We've made it to Omega, Shepard. Meet me in the briefing room."

Anya grumbled. "Dammit, I only got one slice of pizza." She shoved another one in her mouth and basically swallowed it whole. It was better than no pizza.

Chakwas just kinda stared at her in awe. Joker, on the other hand, said, "Fuck. Well, I guess I'll give this to you now."

He handed over a box and, while Shepard inhaled another pizza slice, she opened it. Inside was a pair of classic, cozy Citadel sweats. With a gulp, she beamed at Joker. "Thank-"

"Nope. There's another thing."

Pulling the sweats out, underneath was a set of ballet flats. Joker had seen her practice a few times when they were roommates, but she never knew he understood how much it meant to her. She couldn't smile wide enough for that one. Putting the sweats back on top of the shoes, Anya said, "Thank you. But you tell anyone what's in here, you die "

With his annoying smirk, he started to walk towards the elevator. "I know."

Her eyes flicked back to Chakwas and she grimaced. "Sorry I couldn't have a nice long dinner with you two. I'll make it up to you."

"I know you will."

Shepard saluted and then, with her box, ran towards the elevator. After it dropped off Joker, it was her turn to go to her room and suit it. She said to herself, "After we pick up this Salarian scientist, I'm going to remember the sweet feeling of sweats again."

And that was enough of a beautiful, human thing to make coming back to life really worth it. After all, she needed something to be excited for, beyond saving the galaxy. Sweats and those two Alliance stowaways didn't give her back the team she lost, but for now? They were enough.

/

Awww I love the Alliance babies. And knowing what we all know about Kaidan *glares* it's nice to know that some other friends still have Shepard's back.

In other news, excited to share some new Dragon Age stuff today! I'm participating in Merribela week on Tumblr so I will have 3-4 one shots about a pirate and a cute elf to share over the next few days. Yay!

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! And some serious double stuffed thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danypooh80

Amy Connolly

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	19. Part 2- Chapter 3: Enter Archangel

"So now that the clinic doesn't need me, tell me what you know about the Collectors."

Anya was only passively listening to Mordin and Miranda chatter on. She took a quick liking to the Salarian scientist, but he did talk a lot, and her brain was still sort of a slosh. Her brain cells were starting to get antsy about her getting her head on straight again. With all the back to back missions, she still didn't feel quite human.

Behind her, Miranda answered, "I can't tell you too much without the data we have on the Normandy, but I can say-"

Just then, somebody grabbed her forearm. Someone with a grip like a goddamn claw machine; inaccurate and fumbling, but still rough when it caught on. "You look like a strong type." Shepard's head turned to look at them, a krogan in Blood Pack gear. Taking a turn for the bizarre, a Blue Suns merc behind him nodded approvingly. The real offense of it all, though, was that he was close enough for Anya could smell his breath. Had the faintest hint of pyjack and ryncol.

Jerking her arm out of his grasp, she went on instinct: a krogan headbutt. Though it made her forehead feel a bit like jello, the guy staggered back. She stood her ground. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Don't touch me."

The batarian behind him started to cackle. "Even better. If you want some cash, ma'am, we need more guns to take down Archangel. Been seiging him for three days now, so he should cave any minute. You in?"

Before Miranda could try to butt in, Shepard winked at her, trying to make a point that she had this. If this was any other case, she'd probably beat their asses into the pavillion metal. But since this Archangel was one of their dossiers, this was an easy in, right? Anya laxed her face muscles and glared at him. "What's the pay like?"

"Trust me, damn good."

Cocking her head at the krogan still nursing his headplate, Shepard said, "Hope you all are made of tougher shit than him."

"Why else do you think he's been stuck out here for days recruiting?"

Anya laughed, but almost choked at the end. The second she heard it, she knew her old team would've called it out as her "fake, shitty bad guy laugh". Ruined a different mission where they were trying to infiltrate a shady mining operation. Couldn't let the batarian catch that. Instead, she crossed her arms and talked quick. "Where do I sign up and can I bring my guys?"

Almost out of nowhere, the batarian procured a tablet. Apparently, the gangs really were desperate enough to recruit her, no questions asked. "Sure. And if you sign up with me, I can get you on the next transport to kill Archangel." Anya had to stifle a real laugh. Dude was 100% a "get yourself killed" salesman, but it didn't matter to her. Not when the gangs were about to get some nice, Alliance-bred bullets to their skulls.

"Sounds like my kind of job." Signing the fake names Oksana Marakov, Dinmor Lasso, and Barbie Tits, Shepard waved off the guy and went back to her team. Miranda had a raised eyebrow.

With her best friendly smile, Anya said, "Change of plans. Mordin, Miranda, you come with me. Sounds like Archangel needs some rescuing if we want him to make it to The Normandy alive. Jacob, go back and make sure Chakwas has the medbay prepped. I'm sure the guy won't be in the best condition after what they've been putting him through." Jacob saluted and then headed towards the docking bay.

Miranda grimaced at the merc tag Shepard sent to her omni-tool. Wincing, Anya knew that her impulse name-giving probably wasn't going to be well-received. But she panicked under pressure.

The Cerberus officer groaned and asked, "Barbie Tits? C'mon."

"I'm not good at fake names okay? Just ask Joker about the Dranek mission, he'll explain it in excruciatingly embarrassing detail. Next time I'll try better. Or we'll plan beforehand. Or just revenge kill me at a later date. Right now, we need to get moving."

Mordin just blinked with that slightly unsettling grin on his face. "Never seen all three gangs work together. Will be fascinating."

With a wave of her arm, Miranda let Shepard take point. "Lead the way, Oksana Marakov." Other than Miranda's clear dissatisfaction with her code name, Anya almost started smirking off her skull. This was just the way she liked it. And while normal life still felt surreal, shooting? She was good at that.

One transport ride later, they were knee-deep in the Blood Pack, Blue Suns, and Eclipse strongholds, preparing for the next wave of attack. Unluckily for the bastards, Anya was a trained infiltrator. Minor hacking and sabotage was her jam. By the time they wanted to start a fight, she couldn't even count how many things she'd left her mark on.

After she pulled off her final masterpiece, damaging a famed Blue Suns hovercopter, Miranda kept tossing Shepard concerned, and possibly frightened, glances. As they suited up for the fight, she said, "Remind me never to get on your bad side. Guess you can do worse damage than Barbie Tits."

"I said I was sorry." Shaking her head, Anya focused instead on the good stuff. "But thank you. Mordin's suggestion of killing the mechanic probably would be more efficient, but I like to cross my wires and blow up the controls in style."

Next to her, Mordin looked dissatisfied with her choice, but also didn't seem like the guy who'd mind results. "One less Blue Sun is still one less."

"We can chat more once we've done our cute little betrayal here." Pressed up against the barrier, they linked their comms. After a few other mercs hopped the fence, she looked to her team. They were strangers still, for the most part. Other than Kirrahe, she'd never worked with a Salarian, really. And Miranda was sort of so perfect she was intimidating and worse, she knew that. It was weird to get used to. But so far, she liked them. Anya grinned, prepared for a good fight. "Ready?"

Both of them nodded.

Jumping the barrier herself, Shepard was surprised to feel a bullet already skim her shields. Anya dropped behind some new cover and felt her heart racing. They made it clear this guy was good, but not _that _good.

She got out her own sniper rifle to get a better view on the situation.

When she peered out from her cover, using the sights to see him, that fast heartbeat of hers went dead. Directly down her sights was another sniper, a turian, wearing distinct blue and black gear. She couldn't see his face, but every organ in her body stopped working, because the way he pulled that trigger felt so familiar.

Half out of confused panic, knowing it definitely couldn't be him, she said into her mic, "You didn't say he was a sniper."

Miranda sounded confused. "Does it matter?"

With her organs struggling to function the longer her brain did mental gymnastics to try to figure out if it even _could_ be him, Shepard gave her honest answer, "Yes." It didn't make sense; Garrus planned on joining Spectres. Instead he went MIA, but she assumed it just meant he did the Spectre thing on his own. But this?

Across the comms, Miranda replied, "Well if you needed to know his weapon specialties, you really should've read the dossier-"

"I didn't get to his dossier. This wasn't exactly on my itinerary today."

"If you prefer to be more prepared, then-"

"It's not about being prepared!"

"Then can you stop interrupting me?"

"Yes! Now let's take out these fuckers, get upstairs, and for the love of god if either of you shoot him, I shoot you."

Behind the barrier next to her, Mordin and Miranda just blinked at her. Christ, she sounded crazy. But at least the Salarian shrugged and shot a merc walking past his position. Then he said, like that was casual, "Interesting ultimatum, but at least the mercenaries we can agree on."

Taking a deep breath, Shepard couldn't explain all the thoughts racing through her head right now. But she only knew one turian who was that good of a shot, and if there was even a 1% chance it was him... Well, she would burn this whole station down before she let anyone touch him.

Missions made the soldier in her feel real and alive, but Garrus? He made her human.

Engaging her tactical cloak, Anya started taking out all the mercs advancing on his position. A lot of them only took a quick punch and a shot to the back of the skull, but she did get to play around with some long-range when the last couple that reached the bottom floor of the apartment finally realized there was someone else shooting at them.

But scared, disorganized mercs were still easy to take out.

When Anya got to the top of the stairs, her heart was already on the fritz and had completely lost its mind. But the second they were closing in on him? It was like time stopped and then started spiraling backward. The tall, broad shoulders, the casual posture, the way he held his gun. It even still had that scrape from Feros. He said he'd get it buffed out on the Citadel. He didn't.

The turian took one last shot. A final hiding merc on the bridge dropped dead. Then, he moved away from the balcony, sat himself on some crates, and leaned his sniper against his hip. One flick of his fingers against his helmet, the thing was off, and those damned bright blue eyes were staring at her again. And when he started speaking she couldn't breathe. He practically growled, "Shepard. Thought you were dead." While he looked cool and serious, even a little angry, she knew his eyes. There was a lot more going on behind them and she didn't know what to say about that. But being able to see him again?

Well, that was worth coming back for.

There in front of her, with his stupid smirk and classic sniper rifle, was Garrus Vakarian.

A whisper to herself, she said, "Garrus." All it took was one look at him and all those feelings that felt lost, the squishy human who knew how to cry and dance and make him laugh? She was right there, screaming under the surface of her skin, infecting every pore with all the complicated things she felt. But Anya shook her head. There wasn't time for all that. She instead tried to keep everything straight and attempted to give him a more proper hello. Though, granted, she wasn't sure what the proper hello was for a friend who until thirty seconds ago thought she was dead. "Garrus Vakarian. I tried to find out where you were, but it seems you were just hiding out in this shithole under a code name. Clever. Trying to make sure I'd never find you again?"

He did that low, tired laugh of his, when he was wearing thin on a mission that went too long. If they had the time, she'd ask why he looked like this, what made him so tired and angry. Anya knew years had passed for him, of course he'd be different but... She didn't expect the way his fists kept clenching.

Garrus played it off with a friendly smile. "If I knew you'd be coming to find me, I would've left better clues."

Everything between them stayed on the surface layer while they talked. She didn't know how to do anything else under the shock and pressure of seeing him again with mercs on the fucking doorstep. But there was so much more under the surface that words couldn't cover just yet.

Instead, she said, "I'd joke that you were trying to run from all the danger I put you in, but looks like you made more than enough on your own. How'd you manage to piss off all of Omega?"

"Vigilante-ism, per usual."

Anya couldn't help but stare at him. Last she saw him, she'd just told him how much he mattered and then sent him away to save his life. And she couldn't fathom all the things he felt after all this time, after what she said.

She didn't even know what he would've said back. Maybe it was why his fist kept clenching, looking at her. That made a pit in her stomach that she didn't have the bandwidth to deal with right now.

So surface level would have to do.

But Garrus beat her to the punch. "I'd love to catch up more, tell you about my wonderful fuck-up here and all, but maybe we can save the reunion chat for after we get rid of the bloodthirsty mercs?"

"Fair." Nodding at Miranda, she said, "Stay up here with Garrus. Mordin and I will take point downstairs. We're lighter; we'll be able to take some good shots that they don't expect."

When she pulled out her pistol, Garrus's smirk felt real for the first time. "Still ruining lives with that thing?"

"It's not the exact same gun, but you gotta stick to what you're good at."

Before she walked downstairs, he grabbed her arm and said, "The second I saw that tactical cloak shooting pistol-fire, my gut said it was you. I knew you were dead, but I know you on a battlefield, Shepard." Taking a deep breath, he added, "I don't know how, but I'm happy you're back. Now, keep yourself alive this time?"

"Will do."

As she walked downstairs, it felt like she was tearing herself away from him, and it kept getting harder. With each wave they regrouped, made a plan, and then she inevitably split from him. The Blood Pack got some extra face bullets for that, as did the krogan that tried to run him down. She would fight any of them, all of them, with her bare hands if she had to.

Getting Garrus back and losing him on the same day was not an option.

Just as things seemed to calm down, he was back to his deflective smirking. "We're doing great. I was already pissing them off, but with you around they're really losing their shit."

"We've always been a good team, Vakarian."

"Trust me, I know." Hearing his voice was like waking up, for real. The past few days were this slow crawl back to reality, but he was the exact cool drink of water that made her realize this all wasn't a mirage.

Just as she got up from behind her cover and started to walk his way, he turned towards her and gave her this look, like he was seeing sun for the first time. While he looked so much rougher, angrier, a few times he looked at her and that all faded away. And it hit her so hard that she knew they'd have a lot to talk about once they got out of here. Hell, they'd always have a lot to talk about, but since the Collector attack?

Things were different. And not just because she died. She wanted to hear every word he needed to say.

Just as she stopped staring at him, though, that bastard Blue Suns ship swept down, shooting rockets. And he didn't have time to get to cover.

The next few minutes were a blur. She got rid of the threat with a few rockets of her own, blowing that asshole out of the sky. Anya's head was racing and couldn't shut up, rolling around guilt and blame on repeat. Maybe if she'd killed the mechanic he'd be okay. Maybe if she wasn't an idiot, mooning over his face and looks and all her damned memories, this wouldn't have happened.

When she knew the threat was gone, she dropped her guns and went to him.

Falling to her knees next to him, Garrus was drenched in a pool of blue blood, his mandible was ripped open, and he was blinking in and out of consciousness. Anya felt empty. She couldn't have come this far, come back from the fucking dead, just to lose him again. For years she kept losing people, but not this one. Not this time. He had to make it. If anyone deserved to drop from a rocket hit, it was her. She literally was out here shooting past her expiration date. He didn't deserve this, not when he was-

Her fingers twined into his and held tight.

As a Normandy shuttle came down with medical supplies, and some crew helped load him on, she didn't leave his side. Miranda tried to pull her away and heal her own bruises and tears, but Shepard wouldn't budge. This wasn't a time to be practical, not when her own practicality sent him away in an escape pod and abandoned him like this for two fucking years.

She wasn't going to let him go. Not again.

/

Very happy to have Garrus back! He's my dude. My main squeeze. My favorite part of Mass Effect.

I may be sick today, but I am going to enjoy his return with all my heart.

Thank you so much for reading! And extra, cherry on top thanks to my patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

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	20. Part 2- Chapter 4: A Turian in Med-Bay

When Anya woke up, she wasn't in med-bay anymore. That gave her a nice bout of cardiac arrest. However, it only took a few seconds of staring at shades of black and white to realize she was just across the deck, in Miranda's pristine office.

And sitting at her desk was the aforementioned liaison.

As she started sitting up, Miranda swung her chair around and gave Anya a very concerned set of thick eyebrows. "Shepard, I don't normally try to pry into anyone's personal lives, but..."

This was bullshit. Anya was going to get out of here, walk over to med bay, and go back to Garrus. Last she remembered, she was sitting at Chakwas' desk, waiting for him to get out of surgery behind a large white curtain. She needed to be back there, whatever time it was, because she'd left him for long enough and she couldn't stay away just because some pretty Cerberus agent wanted to police who the fuck she was.

She was Anya fucking Shepard, and she didn't abandon her team. What the fuck did Miranda even know about her, anyway?

But then Anya saw her sweats on the side table and she gave Miranda a little more credit. The way her shoulder shrieked when she tried to touch it also slowed her down a bit.

Swallowing, she shimmied on the sweats while sitting and asked, "But what?"

Miranda walked over from her chair and sat down next to Anya. "All accounts made it clear you were close to your team. But when we evacuated that apartment, you wouldn't even let me look at your bruises. And before we reached Archangel, you lost your head about his identity. I need to ask: what is your relationship with him?"

When she started talking, Shepard was already prepared to answer about her mission objectivity when it came to him, which she could back up with the entirety of the Saren mission. However, that wasn't what Miranda said. She was thrown by it.

Anya went to let her hair down, but realized her bun was already ruined by the bed. She just detangled the ties and pins left in her mess of locks. Then she got to do a run-through with her fingers, calming her down a little. While she didn't feel comfortable baring her tragic turian crush to Miranda, she could at least give her most of the facts. "On our mission with Saren, Garrus became my best friend. My confidant. He pushed me to be my best and I relied on that. I resigned myself to getting used to a new team here, but finding him-" Taking a deep breath, Anya got to the admission. "He was one of the people who evacuated the Normandy when the Collectors attacked. I told him I'd find him, but I didn't. I fucking died. I abandoned him for two years. I couldn't let him die, too, after all that. But more selfishly? I haven't felt myself since I woke up. Just a few seconds with him, though, and I was Commander Anya Shepard again. I couldn't lose that, not when everything about me feels so incorporeal."

With her slightly too perceptive eyebrows, Miranda asked, "Is that all you were?"

Remembering the morning after Noveria, Anya winced. "Yes."

"Okay." Across from her, Miranda looked very hesitant, but after a few awkward fakeouts, she patted Shepard's hand with her own. If she wasn't so tense and stressed about a certain turian, she would've laughed. But the way Miranda patted her, like she was an alien object, did make her chuckle under her breath. When she stopped trying to physically comfort her, Miranda said, "I understand none of this has been easy, Shepard. We never planned to wake you up like this. It was supposed to be a longer adjustment period. But with the attack and The Collectors escalating their raids-"

Anya stared at the empty, pointed corner of the ceiling. She knew where this speech went. Since Akuze, she'd heard it over and over. "The galaxy needs Commander Shepard back." Standing on her own, Anya crossed her arms and looked down at Miranda. The young woman definitely meant well, much better than she expected out of Cerberus. But that didn't change things. "I appreciate the concern, Miranda, but I'm not going to fuck over the galaxy for him. I just want to keep him alive."

Those eyebrows furrowed again, and Miranda stood up and opened her mouth to rebute, but a knock on the door caught both their attention. In the doorway, with her hands now behind her back, Chakwas said, "Sorry to interrupt, ladies, but my patient's awake. And he wants to see Shepard."

Glancing back at Miranda, Anya shrugged. No matter how totally fun this judgy conversation was, she made her priorities clear. And a hurt Garrus trumped invasive Cerberus liaison every day.

Anya gave Miranda and Chakwas respectful nods before leaving the room. She tucked her hands in her pockets and tried to ignore the full damn Rachni stampede going on in between her lungs and intestines. When she started walking she was moving fast, but each step got harder.

It was easy to do surface level shit on Omega. She wasn't sure what awaited her in the med-bay.

What if Garrus hated her, after what she did?After all, she was pretty sure out of everyone, he was the one who knew she was well aware of her odds when she walked up those stairs. Depending on how things went these past two years, maybe he had every right to.

But she also cared more about the friend she missed, who took a damn rocket to his face, than her own dumb insecurities.

Taking a slow, deep breath, the kind you feel all the way to your toes, she walked through the door and there he was. He was leaning back against a bed, even looked annoyed by it. But instead of a blood halo around his face, he just had a new, jagged scar covering his right cheek.

One step in, and his head flicked over to her. He gave her this slow, warm smile. All her worst fears melted away. "Shepard." He said her name like it was the last line to his favorite movie. The rest of the steps towards him were easy.

Resting her hands on the edge of the med-bed, centimeters from his own, she smiled back. "Welcome back to the Normandy."

"I see that." His eyes flicked around the room and she knew that look. She'd been giving the entire ship those surreal scans of every inch, because they all still felt like memories. But then his eyes flicked to hers. That surreal look didn't leave his face when he stared at her.

Garrus asked, "Chakwas hasn't given me a mirror, tell me, how bad is it?"

Anya almost breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn't sure if she was ready for them to get all deep with their conversations yet. Right now, it was just nice to hear his voice. Responding in kind, she smirked. "Hate to tell you Garrus, but you never were a classic beauty. Slap some face paint and no one will notice."

His laugh might've been even nicer than his voice. But then he winced. Anya's hand instinctively reached for him, but he shook his head. "Ouch. Don't make me laugh too hard." After a few cautious breaths, he managed his classic smirk. She didn't realize how much she liked seeing it. "Anyway, some women are into the whole scar thing. Granted, most of those women are krogan."

When she laughed, it felt like she was trying out a new muscle. Apparently she hadn't been laughing enough in this updated body. "I don't think Wrex is in a place to find you a wife."

"All my hopes and dreams, ruined." Before she could be properly prepared, he placed his hand on hers. Anya felt that laugh drop out from under her. All she wanted to do was look in his eyes and listen. His fingers squeezed hers. "I can't believe it's you. We're talking like you didn't suffocate in the vacuum of space and that's really damn weird, right?"

Garrus was making all her insides feel different things, but she wasn't sure the memory of her own death was a very positive one. Her hand clenched under his and she stared at it, like she was crushing her own chest with her hand. "I know. I still can't really wrap my head around it. I felt my lungs pop and everything." When she looked up, his face had darkened in a way she'd never seen before. "Too graphic?"

"No. Just reminds me how much I wanted to kill Kaidan for leaving you."

"Garrus, he-"

Pulling his hand from hers, Garrus shook his head. His whole body rippled with a rage she'd never seen before. She knew he had a lot of angst and frustration back in the day, but nothing like this. Garrus said, "He was with Joker, and chose to run down and see you instead of protect the pilot and evacuate him when necessary. He knew exactly what he was doing."

Anya didn't really want to think of who to blame. Especially since she made the call, at the end of the day. "If it wasn't the Collectors, it would've been something else."

"I know. But it's hard to live with the fact I knew how much danger you were in and I let you walk away. If I blame myself, I'm gonna blame them, too."

Thinking of Joker a deck above, she knew it wasn't that easy. That whole day was... Well, they weren't prepared and it was a miracle so many people survived in the first place. Anya went to open her mouth, try to say something, but the intercom interrupted her. "Shep, Illusive Man wants to talk to you."

Her skin rippled with irritated pin needles. "Well tell him to fuck off, Joker."

"I don't think he operates on Council channels. He says he'll link himself into the room if you don't."

"Fuck."

Next to her, Garrus said, "Do what you need to do. I'll be here."

"But Garrus, we've barely talked-"

"I know, we have a lot to talk about. We can do that later, though."

Anya sighed. Their serious conversation always seemed to get interrupted, didn't they? Next time, she'll have to tell EDI to kill the comms until they were done. Standing, she said, "You leave this ship while I'm gone and I'll hunt you down all over again."

"Now don't you start making a breakout sound tempting." He chuckled, but then did another wincing cough. The cough gave her some pause, but he waved her away. Anya couldn't budge, even though she knew she probably should. Rolling his eyes, he said, "Seriously, get out of here before you make me pop a lung, too."

She knew she was prolonging her exit, but the rocket-to-the-face still left shockwaves of concern thrumming through her chest. "Get better, Garrus."

"I'm already a lot better than where you found me."

And she didn't need to be told twice to walk away from that, because that made her cheeks feel a little warm and she didn't have the time to explain.

Damn the Illusive Man for taking her away from all the confusing feelings in med-bay. Back in the day, she'd be happy to run. But now? She wished she could stay and try to figure it out.

So, lucky for the hologram asshole himself, she was going to say hi with more annoyed flair today.

Walking into the meeting room, she stuffed her hands in her pockets and said, "I'm ready, Joker."

Around her, the space turned dark and she was standing in front of that chair with a pretty displeased looking Cerberus leader. Anya could get down with that, pissing him off. She relaxed her shoulders and asked, "What'd I do this time?"

"Caused a power vacuum in Omega the size of a small moon. Extracting him didn't mean killing everyone in sight, Shepard. I thought you were Alliance."

"Oh no, I definitely needed to kill them all."

"Don't let your personal feelings get in the way of the mission."

"Worry not, your Miss Lawson already got that covered."

"Just pull your new team together, ASAP. The Collectors won't wait for sentiment." "What are you wearing?"

"Sweats. The Collectors won't wait for fashion." The statement only seemed to annoyed him further, but he didn't have a rebuttal prepared. "Is that all?"

"Head to the prison ship, Shepard, and do the job everyone needs you to do."

"Got it. Bye." Shutting off the call, she let all the self-inflated dickry that she pumped up for the call blow away. Instead, the weight of everything just sunk down onto her chest, like it always did. Sarcastically, she added, "Like I don't know by now that the galaxy's at stake."

Before she told Joker to head out, she had one thing to settle. The call was quicker than she expected, so she went down the elevator and booked it to med-bay. However, the second she got close, she saw Garrus through the glass, passed out. When she got close, Chakwas was already in the way. "I assumed you'd be back. Garrus has been sedated. He needs some forced rest for a few days. God knows that man isn't good at doing it willingly."

Anya exhaled, encasing her disappointment in layers of duty. She didn't have time to talk about her feelings right now, anyway. She had dossiers.

But if anyone asked her if The Illusive Man said anything right, she'd vehemently deny it. Mostly because of his asshole chair; it said way too much about how much of a jerk he was.

Nodding, Shepard patted Chakwas' shoulder. "Thanks, doc. Take care of him."

"I will."

Back up to the command deck, Anya pushed thoughts of Garrus away and met up with Joker in the cockpit. "Drive this hunk of metal to a prison ship."

Joker didn't seem too pleased with her cranky vernacular. "Apologize to my baby before you put her in that kind of danger."

"Fine. Sorry, Normandy. Now please take her to the grizzled, heavily armed, terrifying prison ship."

"I don't think that's better." He paused for a second, before asking what she already knew he'd ask. "I take it the reunion with Mister stick-up his ass wasn't great? Granted, seems his MO now is taking that stick out and beating people with it."

"I don't know yet."

"Ominous."

The smooth voice of the robotic co-pilot interrupted them. "Is it a turian custom to have sticks up their rectum?" Shepard blinked at EDI, since that wasn't what she expected out of an AI. "Jeff keeps mentioning it every time he talks about Garrus Vakarian."

Shepard whacked the back of the pilot's head. "Get a new joke."

"Don't make this about me. This is about you, cranky-sweats."

Anya sighed. "EDI, ignore Joker's nonsensical insults. I'll teach you better ones." But then she got real with her pseudo-family, because if she wasn't at least a little honest with him, she doubted she'd survive the turmoil. "And when it comes to Garrus, I'm not quite sure what my death did to him."

"Well, dude was a wreck at the funeral. After what happened to him on Omega? Can't blame him for being a little fucked up."

"I know."

Joker swiveled around his chair and said, "But I also know he cares a shit ton about you. I don't think some mercs or even you being a zombie will change that."

"Thanks, Joker." Anya patted his shoulder and flexed her eyebrows. "Now time for the prison ship?"

Turning back around, Joker groaned, "Dammit. Fine."

And off they were. Until Garrus was back up and running, the best she could do was do her job. Even if that meant she'd keep worrying about him in the back of her mind.

Old habits die hard, and the way Garrus' face looked right now made them really easy to stumble back into.

/

Author's Note:

Hey! We're almost caught up to my AO3 version! I'm on Chapter 7 there.

So excited to get the band back together and really enjoy the awesomeness of Mass Effect 2 in my own way. It's my favorite of the series, and was my first ME game, so I'm hyped.

But at the end of the day, we're all just happy our favorite turian is okay 3

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	21. Part 2- Chapter 5: Biotic Bitches

It was like Joker was trying to kill her. That, or was trying to make her kill everyone else.

Somehow, in his verbal battles with EDI, he'd managed to malfunction the docking port of the Normandy so here they were, trapped in the decontamination bay, waiting for the door to goddamn open.

Anya wouldn't mind it too much, if she wasn't trapped in here with the angriest biotic she'd ever met, Jacob "I don't sleep with subordinates" Taylor, and Barbie Tits herself.

Her bizarre, natural leader charisma normally meant she got along with everyone she ever met, but this new crew really was testing her. Zaeed was always way too sketchy, but otherwise kept to himself. Miranda was always judgmental and prying into her private life. Jacob was too friendly, and even though she was pretty sure it wasn't romantic, it made her uncomfortable. Mordin always rambled in science garble, and while she found it endearing, her soldier brain could barely keep up. The only team-members she really related to were the Odd Couple in the cockpit and the heavily drugged turian in med-bay.

And the new gal, Jack? She was something else. From the second their eyes met, she looked ready to tear Anya's throat out with her teeth.

The dossier made it clear Jack had been through shit, and that the heavy biotic had gripes about Cerberus, but she didn't expect shit to be this bad.

If those doors didn't open soon, she was pretty sure someone was going to crush skulls. It was an awkward day to be the only non-biotic in the room. If she went haywire, she had no barrier to protect her.

Jack was the first to pierce the silence. "I'm working my own damn way through the dumb fact that I'm willingly putting myself on a Cerberus hell-ship, but why in the fuck did you bring your Cerberus operatives, Shepard? You said you read my fucking file, right?"

Tipping her head back, Shepard was kinda hoping it'd roll off. It was preferable to the tense air in here. "I figured bringing a merc to a prison was a bad idea, and our scientist was busy synthesizing something. I apologize for their existence."

"Apology will only be accepted if I get to kill them."

"Absolutely not."

Across from her she could tell Miranda was getting testy. Her body was relatively still, but her arms and legs were crossing, like the more she wound herself up the better shot she'd have of pushing the frustration down.

"Pity. It's kinda badass to rip people in half."

But that seemed enough to push her over. Cutting her blue eyes at Jack, Miranda stood up and said, "Shouldn't you be thankful you're not rotting in that prison cell anymore?"

Anya knew whatever Miranda said wouldn't go over well, but from the way Jack's lips had turned and her face looked like it goddamned curdled, it was worse than expected. "Ah yeah, so fucking thankful to go from a prison that at least knows its bullshit to a prison that's going to try to bullshit me that its not."

"The Normandy's not-"

"The choice was get on your ship or blow the fuck up. Where are the real options there?"

While she wanted to step in between them, she was already pretty over this squabbling the last half hour of the mission. She just wanted to get out of this damn scenario.

But, then she remembered that she was the Commander of this vessel and it wasn't really a choice. No matter how annoying they were being, these three were part of her team now. Made her fucking miss Wrex and Ashley's bickering, because they actually listened to each other, even when they were being assholes. That was a tragic truth to accept, missing Ash's problematic, systematic racism issues. Everyone was prickly here with no remorse.

Just as she leaned forward to tell the two to shut the fuck up, Jacob stood up and tried to walk over to Miranda. "Miri, you're just tired-"

When he got close, she slapped his hand away. "Don't "Miri" me or tell me what I'm feeling. It's none of your business."

Okay, Shepard was generally a romantic idiot, but she understood that kind of exchange. That was the kind where two people once were on "Miri" terms and now they weren't.

Ready to toss a pistol, Anya accepted she couldn't just lean forward. She had to stand. Honestly, she was so over it she even pulled her pistol out of her holster and held it in her fist, hoping to make a point. "Every irritiable biotic in this room, please sit the fuck down and shut up. If you need to work out your issues, we can all do that privately in one-on-one conversations. But bickering like you're about to blow us out of this airlock is unhelpful and slightly too much of a threat for me not to take seriously. So if you'd all like to keep your place on this ship, and you left eyeballs, please keep it together. At least until the door opens."

As if on cue, the metal slid away from each other, revealing a wide-eyed Engineer Donelly. Anya was pretty sure he wasn't liking the sight of everyone standing and her gun out. And there was a fair shot he heard every word of her angry speech. Anya had to admit, she pitied the guy. She didn't want to be forced to deal with them either. Sighing, she holstered and gestured towards the exit. "Great timing. Please all leave."

Miranda and Jacob seemed tense as they walked out, but Anya grabbed Jack's arm as she walked by. The woman jerked her arm away like the Commander was a fucking spider. Rolling her eyes, Anya said, "You come with me. We're heading somewhere particular first."

"What, taking me to the fucking dressing room so that I can get on my cute little Cerberus slacks? You can fuck off if you think you're getting me in a uniform."

"One, those are gross and I wouldn't make anyone wear them. Two, no. We're heading to get you checked up." Shepard was practically speed-walking to the elevator. There were way too many elements she had to handle here, so she needed to get Jack dropped off to deal with a more personal one. One that insisted she didn't like prying.

Jack glared at Shepard ushered them into the elevator. "You do know that just because I was at a prison I wasn't infested with space tics or whatever, right? Asshole wanted to sell me, of course he kept the merchandise in decent condition."

"Stop acting so suspicious. It's just a routine check-up; every newcomer gets it. You're not special." As they walked up to med-bay, Anya added, "But don't worry, I'll make sure that Chakwas gives you an extra dose of genuine human kindness so you really lose your goddamn mind."

Even though she frowned, Jack did look less irritated than before. "I guess that's not totally sinister."

"Thank you. I'll be back in a little while, so don't blow up my med-bay, please."

"Now that you asked, I have to blow it up." Anya didn't have the fucking brain cells to deal with Jack's snark. She just glared and the biotic changed her tune, "Okay fine, I won't."

"Good."

After she watched Jack walk through the door, she caught a peek at the still comatose patient past her. Chakwas said she'd be able to wake up Garrus any day now, with everything all healed.

God, what a fucking story she'd have for him once he finally got up. This ship was a roller coaster. She only picked up a couple dossiers and she already had a bigger team than ever before, and she still had more to recruit.

But his absence wasn't the focus right now, even if it kept her up at night. He'd be back soon enough to keep her sane. Instead, she had a liaison to deal with.

Walking across the crew deck, she knocked on Miranda's door. Anya was pretty over being in her gear and kinda wished she'd stop back in her room for sweats, but honestly this couldn't wait. She might chicken out if she wasn't fuming about it.

Behind the metal, she heard, "Come in." Anya walked through the opening door and Miranda was already at her desk, writing up some report. Damn woman was thorough, she had to admit. And worse, she kinda respected it. Without looking up, Miranda continued, "Shepard, I'd figure you'd come by. For our new recruit I was thinking she could stay-"

"I didn't come here to talk about Jack."

Miranda's fingers stopped whirring around her keyboard and instead she looked up. "You aren't?"

"No." Cracking her knuckles, Anya inhaled and then said it as plainly as she could, "Miranda, what the hell went on between you and Jacob?" The second she asked, Miranda's face managed to pale even more than normal. Bingo. Some shit happened between them at some point. Before Miranda could even open her mouth, Shepard sat down across from her and put her hands together. "And more importantly, after going all "don't compromise the mission for feelings" on me, why did you choose to not share your own personal relationship?"

"Jacob and I aren't together. It's purely professional."

"For you, maybe." She saw that look of heartbreak and longing in Jacob's eyes; at the very least he missed "Miri", whatever the hell happened with them. Anya said, "I'm just saying it's a bit hypocritical and I don't appreciate it. It's not fair to hold me to a higher standard than you do yourself."

Those damned eyebrows furrowed at her as Miranda crossed her arms. Anya didn't want to know how many times she'd have to see that look over the course of the mission. "With all due respect Shepard, I _have_ to hold you to a higher standard. I spent the last two years putting you back together, and we did it so you could save the galaxy. Nothing can get in the way of that mission."

Anya wasn't taking the bullshit. This time, she wasn't fresh off of exhaustion and panic over her best friend. This time, she was Commander motherfucking Shepard and she was sick of the members of this ship running amok. It was time for her to fill the role she was always meant to fill.

Placing her hands on Miranda's desk, she looked directly into those pretty blue eyes and started talking, "That was lovely and condescending, but you said you'd let me do things my way. And you want to know how I did things last mission? By getting personal. That's why my team trusted me so much and how we ended up changing things." On that personal note, Anya was way too aware that staying a stranger to her team wasn't helping things. With a beleaguered sigh, she said, "Also, just please actually work out whatever the hell is going on with Jacob, okay? Because I've received the heart-eyed looks _and_ been the pathetic puppy-eyed person myself, and they both only keep happening if nobody deals with it."

Across from her, Miranda looked suddenly vulnerable, like there was something she wasn't saying here. Remembering there was a difference between Kaidan's persistence and outright stalking, she added, "But if he won't get over himself, I'll kick him off the ship for you. You do need to grow a pair, but if he's just harassing you that's not fair."

When Miranda looked up at her, she looked surprised and a little caught off guard. "T-Thank you, Shepard."

"I hope you know I didn't mean for this to turn supportive. I came in here fully pissed."

"I gathered from the body language." With a laugh, annoyingly perfect as always, Miranda drummed her fingers on her desk like she was running a million files through her head. After a few seconds, she finally seemed to have decided what she wanted to say. "For what it's worth, I am sorry for prying. Maybe I have a hard time trusting people to have the right intentions, so I assume any relationship is a distraction. But that's on me, not you."

Anya nodded, surprised herself with Miranda's candor. "I appreciate the humbleness. You're not quite what I expected from Cerberus, and I still hate your boss' guts, but you're pretty okay."

"I'll take it as a compliment."Raising a single, angular eyebrow, Miranda asked, "Anything else?"

"Good job on not killing Jack. She's... prickly. Don't worry about placing her, I'll figure it out for-" Just then, there was a crash across the hall. Between her rage and panic, Shepard's voice jumped an octave. _She swore to God_... "For fuck's sake."

Anything going on with Miranda was forgotten. All Anya could think about was Chakwas and Garrus in med-bay with the unstable biotic, and how it was her damn fault she left them alone with her. If she hurt them-

Rushing over to med-bay, Shepard entered and saw an entire shelf thrown into the wall, leaving a sizable dent. Across the room was Chakwas and Jack, one looking a little rattled and Jack just had her arms crossed like a petulant child. She threw her hands up, exasperated. "The hell? I gave you one job."

Chakwas chimed in, "To give her credit, I did ask her to hand me the medi-gel so I could test out how her biotics were they're still adjusting to freedom."

"Christ." Rubbing her temple, Shepard tried to breathe away the anger. Constantly fighting with Jack wasn't going to solve any of the tension, so she needed to calm down. But the fact Garrus' sleeping face was about a foot from the wall dent made "calm" a little hard. "Just be careful. And if you hurt the patient over there, you get the airlock, got it?"

Jack groaned and said, "Fine. Sheesh what stick do you have up your ass?"

"You don't _even_ want to talk about sticks up asses with me." Anya just had to keep her eyes off Garrus and she'd keep her cool. If she thought about him too much, things would get a little messy. And Jack's existence on this ship was already messy.

So, when she got to talking, she was probably a little too loud and aggressive. _Fuck it. _Gesturing to Jack, she said, "Now get it together, we're going on a goddamned tour of the ship so we can find a suitable room for you!"

"Uh.. Thanks?"

"You're. God. Damn. Welcome." Pausing by the elevator, she said, "But first I have to change my pants and to get this fucking bun gone. This day has been too stressful for either of those things to still be on my body. I need sweats to survive."

"I thought perfect Alliance soldier types didn't do loose hair or sweats."

"Well, that's not me. So get used to it."

Waiting in her doorway, Jack actually had this smirk on, where she looked somewhat pleased, but also annoyed that she felt any interest. To be honest, Anya kinda liked it. The biotic said, "Angry hot Cerberus operatives, disgruntled ex-Alliance heroes, and a surprisingly cool old lady doctor?" Anya changed into her sweats and pulled out her hair. Thank god. Sweet release. Sticking her hands in her pockets she walked them both back to the elevator. Jack gave her a once over, like she was some bizarre, completely alien person. "Maybe this ship won't be the worst thing that's happened to me."

When Anya thought of Garrus, she still wished the big guy was up and keeping her company in the madness. And maybe this wasn't an easy crew to get along with, not like her first one. But there were bright spots, in surprised, awkward liaisons and smirking ex-cons.

Taking a deep breath in, Anya accepted this crew would never be like her old one. They didn't have to be, though. She met Jack's eyes slightly above her and smiled. "You know what? Same."

Now all she needed was Garrus to wake up and she could really get this bizarre new band of misfits going. The "dynamic duo", as Joker called them, would lead this suicide squad in style.

Well, assuming their talk when he woke up went well.

Anya hoped it would.

/

I am so excited to share next chapter! My guys, it is wayyyy too long (as is the chapter after it) but we're about to hit a really exciting turning point in Garrus and Anya's relationship.

Preview: The next chapter is named The Lobsters. I am very proud of that title on many levels haha

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	22. Part 2- Chapter 6: The Lobsters

Walking up the steps out of the hold under engineering, Shepard was half convinced she needed to wash out her fucking ears. She'd spent the past 24 hours with Jack, helping her set up her room in the lowest deck of the ship. While she thought it was a little claustrophobic, the mildly crazy biotic insisted it was cozy. With a more colorful vocabulary, of course.

After spending some time with her, Anya just found it best to accept her statements at face value. At the very least, she had a richer breadth of swear words and new ways to insult people. Maybe she could get Jack to spend some time with EDI so that the AI didn't just learn all her humor from Joker.

Overall, though, she was a little overwhelmed. Everything with Jack was anger, sharp objects, and a paint bucket of angst. It was exhausting. Anya would normally complain about her to her face, but she was pretty sure she just learned what kind of person she'd be if she went mob instead of military, and she wasn't sure she liked that.

And she had to admit, the woman was damn powerful. So, she just tried to be as understanding and civil as possible. From what the dossier said, and the few snippets in conversation, she went through hell. Made sense she'd be pissed as hell, too. For now, she'd just give Jack some space to adjust.

Granted, she might've been open to a little more "space" after bedroom setup because a few hours before Chakwas had pinged her that a certain turian was awake and setting himself up in the main battery. Despite the fact she needed a damn nap, she was headed there the second she could sneak off away from Jack.

She also had already pinged EDI on a private channel to please not interrupt them unless it was an emergency, and not to tell anyone where she was. The AI was lovely and compliant. Anya had to admit, over the last few days, she was growing on her.

Couldn't tell Joker that, though, he'd call her a traitor.

Walking up to Garrus' new door, she took a deep breath and knocked. He didn't even ask, or say anything. The metal just slid open and Garrus was there, smiling at her. "Heard you might be coming down to see me."

Anya bubbled with awkward laughter as she walked into the battery and the door closed behind her. "W-who told you that?"

"EDI. She said you wanted to see me and wanted to get permission to shut off comms to my room." He chuckled and Anya wished it was more annoying than it was endearing. "Guess you really want to talk, huh?"

With a glare tossed to the ceiling comms, Anya said, "Okay, I'm with Joker. The AI's a traitor."

"What?"

"Nevermind. I'm just happy you're up and walking around." Anya leaned her elbows against the railing by his station. "Like the new space?"

Garrus followed suit and stood right next to her, but he faced the tech instead of the door. All that really mattered was that his blue eyes were looking at her. "Do I like having a room to myself where I can calibrate guns and not hear Wrex and Williams bicker? Of course." His laughter faded and Shepard knew what he was thinking, talking about the two of them. Garrus beat her to the punch, though, saying, "Granted, I don't think I'd mind hearing them bicker again if I could."

"Me neither."

"How'd the mission go?"

"Perfectly fine, Jack almost tore the ship in half with us in it and the warden was secretly selling his prisoners for spare parts. Oh, and I had to do some Commander bonding to make both Jack and Miranda less domineering assholes. But, y'know, typical."

"For you? Definitely."

Anya felt her cheeks blush at her next thought, but she couldn't help herself. Not when it was true. She did avoid looking at him, though, instead staring at her fingernails like there was anything interesting about their short, pink nubs. "It was distinctly lacking a sniper who likes to back-talk, though. I think it threw me off my A-game."

"I'm pretty sure we can have you covered for the next mission." Garrus paused, and Anya was tired of the weird distance she was putting between them by facing the door. She turned and copied his posture.

But when he got to talking again, his shoulder slumped and his eyes wouldn't meet hers. "Sorry I had to go comatose for a couple days. Doctor's orders, because apparently I didn't follow them well enough while conscious."

"Not a bad call. You're pretty damn stubborn." Lightly, almost like he might break, she bumped his shoulder with hers. Anya didn't know it would feel so nice, doing the casual friendship stuff with him again. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "How are you holding up, after Omega?"

"I don't know." Garrus laughed, but she recognized it as the hollow, empty kind he used when shit really wasn't that funny. Before she could ask more, he sarcastically countered, "How do you like coming back from the dead and waking up a Cerberus play toy?"

"Not funny."

"I'm mostly kidding." He bumped her shoulder back, the way they used to on the old Normandy, like they were tossing little touches of support at each other with each brush. "I just want to know how you're coping. We can go back to my fun new trauma if you really want, but I need to know you're doing okay. I won't shut up about it until you tell me."

"I don't want to let your whole deal slide, but I will for now since you sound annoyingly sincere. Honestly? Being reborn in a Cerberus lab isn't the worst. They give me a lot of liberties and I get to call the shots. It's like Spectres but with a much shinier, much shadier bank account." Anya leaned harder into her elbows, bit her cheek, and looked at him. He looked so genuine and kind that she could vomit. Made her want to talk more than she was used to with the others. _There he was, back at it again, making her talk about everything._ "Funny thing about Cerberus, no matter how much of an asshole the Illusive Man is and how their ideals suck, it's the treatment that's the worst. I'm more like a godly legend here than I ever was in The Alliance. There, at least I was still one of the soldiers. Here, I'm a multi-million dollar resurrection project to save the universe." Anya sighed and got a little anxious at Garrus just staring at her. "Not that I wish I was still dead, but does mean I have had to accept the fact that I'm not really human anymore, not to the galaxy."

He was silent before poking her in the arm. She remembered the last time he did that; on her couch after Ash's funeral, when she didn't know if he was reaching for more. Luckily, this time, she didn't have any stupid expectations. It was just nice to be poked again. "Still seems like the same squishy human to me."

Anya laughed; laughed like she hadn't in ages. Everything about being here with him, it felt like her skin was ripping away, exposing every inch of muscle, every motion unbearably raw and painful. But she wouldn't dare thinking about being anywhere else, because she'd rather be raw with him than safe outside those. Doors. Looking up at his eyes, she said, "I missed you, Garrus."

"You think you missed me? You've missed me a couple weeks. I've missed you a couple years." Garrus chuckled and leaned in deeper to the railing, like his shoulders were getting too heavy. But his eyes didn't look like he was laughing. "You gave me a lot to agonize over. I should've known "I'll find you" was just heroic bullshit." But then, softer, more bitter, he laughed again. "But I guess you did find me, in that Omega deathtrap."

"How'd you end up there, anyway?"

"You really are going to make me do the tragic backstory thing, aren't you?" When he looked at her, he shook his head. Guess she wasn't the only one who felt like their friendship made them talk, even when they didn't really want to. "I wasn't in the best headspace after you died. Pent-up. Angry. I still am. My sister, Sol, helped me find a place to vent my frustrations and stop hearing your name." Garrus winced and flashed apologetic blue eyes at her. They were nicer than he probably realized, but Shepard felt that one in her gut. It was like a needle suddenly appeared and was threatening to pierce through. "No offense."

She looked away from him, because she knew he had every right to be upset with her. Hell, she was just happy he didn't hate her. But that didn't erase the years of pain that were all her fault and she couldn't forget that. Anya said, "I was the asshole who got myself killed, can't blame you."

But then his shoulder bumped hers, a little harder. "Not that. After all those talks with you about how being a hero hurt, I couldn't stand them turning you into a martyr. I knew Spectres would've been hell about that. I needed to find a place where you weren't a hero. Omega fit the bill."

Anya didn't know what to say. What could she say to someone who hated the galaxy she left behind because she leaned on him? Instead, she asked, "And then what?"

"What else? I ended up doing justice my way. And then I got too high on being team leader to realize it's weaknesses. We were betrayed by one of our own. I got lured away, and by the time I came back, everyone but two of my guys were dead. And those two only lasted a little over a day. I was alone, at the end. Just like when I lost you."

Again, Anya felt lost. Normally, her answer was to fix everything, but she put her own ass out of commission. Now all Garrus had were tragic memories that she couldn't change. The best she had were lame-ass condolences. "I can't bring back your team, but you have me." Even though she was starting to feel overwhelmed, Anya placed her hand on his and looked up at his face, something she cared about so much, and tried to make it clear that the universe hadn't forgotten him; she hadn't forgotten him. She wouldn't let it. "The dossier was a fluke, but I always planned on finding you. When The Illusive Man said you were missing, I couldn't think-."

Old Garrus would've pulled her into his arms and held her, but he just pulled away from her, stared down at his hands, and she could've sworn he looked guilty, maybe even angry. "I had to go underground. You were my best friend and you were dead. I had to do something."

Even though she didn't mean to, Anya felt her skin bristle. "So you turned into a merc-killer?"

He wouldn't even look at her now, just lost in the lines on his own talons. "Better a dumb hero than a useless one, buried under tape."

"You really would've been useless if you died." She wanted to reach for his hand again, but he already pulled away once. She just gave him a lame, weak bump against his shoulder again. With all the feelings washing over her, how could she have much else? Anya just tried her best to keep her composure, thinking about Omega. "You almost did, Garrus."

"On that balcony, I did die. That team got me through losing you. Without them, I was ready to take down as many goddamn mercs as possible before I went out. And then you showed up to save my ass, like you never died in the first place."

In that battery, there was definitely some tension and anger and guilt neither of them really knew how to process yet. And while they could talk in circles over things they weren't ready to face, Anya couldn't sit here, next to the turian she cared most about in the galaxy, and just make him think about the misery of it all. God knows how much she'd already done that while she was gone.

Instead, she just wanted to make him feel better.

"I'm sorry. Everything's fucked up." Anya shook her head and said what she should have said years ago, instead of always falling in his arms like he was made to hold her. It wasn't fair, not when he didn't... Well, she always pushed his boundaries and that wasn't fair, either, not when she knew she'd probably die. "I'm sorry if anything I did back then pushed you away. Or hurt you. I can't fix the fact that I died, but I should've been better, maybe left you with something more inspiring than-"

"Shepard, shut up."

"Don't. Let me try to start making up for what I did to you. I leaned on you. I made you participate in things that meant different things for each of us. I _left_ you. I said I'd find you, but I didn't and I can't go back. Now is all I have."

When their eyes met, Garrus wasn't bitter or guilty anymore, but he still looked angry. And when he stood straight up, so much taller than her, she even felt somewhat intimidated. He looked down at her with such seriousness that it did make her shut up. "You don't need to apologize for being the hero you are." Suddenly, he was placing a hand on her arm, looking all over her shoulders, her skin, her legs, like he still couldn't believe she was there. "You're right, they're gone, and you're back and that's what we're dealing with. But if _I_ could go back, I'd tell the most amazing woman in the galaxy that I was a scared idiot who kept pushing her away." Anya's brain was too fried to understand what he was saying, but he grabbed her hand and kept on going. "I couldn't believe what I felt. Not when you were... _you_ and I was a lost ex-C-Sec officer clinging to you. I don't know if I feel sure or comfortable about any of it, but of course I care about you."

Scanning his face for any certainty, all Anya found was this desperate gaze that she'd never seen on him before. She just started blubbering, thinking of that morning after Noveria. Maybe he was talking about their friendship, and he thought her final words were about something platonic. She couldn't blame him, she never said anything overtly romantic, but she couldn't lie about it either. "I know that, but I meant-"

"Dammit Shepard. I know what you meant. I didn't know how to deal with it. But you _died_. I'm not going to push you away anymore so you can play perfect Commander. I thought you deserved Alenko or Liara back then. Closer to home, y'know? I was being an insecure asshole." _If he knew what she meant._.. But Garrus just kept on talking before she could process, like if he stopped talking he'd lose the nerve. His hand squeezed hers. "But look at you. I never thought I'd see you again, let alone touch you or talk to you. For all the fucked up things that have happened to me, I don't know how I got so lucky."

"...Garrus..."

He took a step closer to her and Anya couldn't think over the sound of her heart beating. "I'm not smooth or romantic, and I'm not going to pretend I have a thing for humans. Just- Noveria meant something, okay? You chose me over Kaidan. You wanted me to stay the night. I'm not that fucking clueless. And I wanted it. But you were my CO and I thought we could never be anything but some drunk fantasy you got stuck on because you were lonely and hurt. I didn't want to encourage it." Another step, and he looked from their hands intertwined to her face with this screwed up look, like he was somewhere between vomiting and panicking. She understood the feeling. What also was there, though, was this softness that made her speechless. "But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep away from you."

"So you did know what I meant. But you said..."

"I know what I said and I was a damn liar."

With her heart drilling a jackhammer through her brain, she couldn't quite keep anything straight. Anya asked, "Are you sure?"

"You're impossible." Laughing, Garrus took a deep breath and kept going. She was thankful, because she would be stuttering and stumbling so hard by now that this conversation could've been classified as a verbal break. "Let's put it this way. All of us were devoted to you. But look at me. Everyone else moved on; I didn't. If I couldn't have you, the best I could do was be you."

"You did a pretty damn good job."

"No, I didn't. Yet even now you won't shut up about believing in me. Dammit Shepard, the fact that you believed my bullshit is absurd. I'm pretty sure everyone else knew how I felt. The least I can do is tell you now: I want to be with you." His handsome face and eyes fell, but his voice kept going and that was good. Because she could swear that voice was something she wished she could hear forever. "But we gotta be real here, I'm not the same person you said all those things to anymore. Omega and my team changed me. Losing you changed me. I don't know what that means for... us. If there even is an 'us". I'm half convinced none of the things I've just said make any sense."

Garrus might've been holding her hand, but he looked so unsure. She wished she could give him a good old Commander Shepard pep talk, but that wasn't what this was. This was something a lot more beautiful, and so very human.

So, all she had was an awkward human to give him. With a crackling cough, she said, "Call me Anya."

His eyes flicked up and met hers, confused. "What?"

"Off-duty, it's Anya. We can start there." She smiled and added, "I don't really know what to do about this either. I missed two whole years and I never knew you could- I know there's a lot I have to catch up on. But what I said before..." Anya was going to throw herself into a laser if she couldn't finish a sentence. She closed her eyes, took a breath, and then looked up at the handsome turian who made her feel like no one else. And she was fucknig terrified, but she said, "All it took is one look on Omega and you made me feel myself again. That matters. That's why _you_ matter so much." When she laughed, it was so awkward that she wondered if someone could off her right now. Why in the hell did Garrus have any interest in her? That was far harder to wrap her head around than reciprocation.

Pulling her hand away, she ran her fingers through her hair and said, "And maybe next time we pass a bar, you can buy me a drink."

"I- I can do that."

"Good."

They stood next to each other for a minute, not really knowing what to say or do. Her entire body was an embarrassing, life-size blush and Garrus kept scratching his neck and wrists like he'd itch away how tragically embarrassed they both were.

Anya was a little upset she'd never bothered with relationships before. It would make her a lot less of an idiot at this moment, which was otherwise very important to her. Hell, maybe this is why Joker and Oksana used to tell her to go on dates and try out romance more, instead of focusing on work and dance. She hadn't felt so inept in years. Thank god they were alone, because he was the only one she could stand being so-

But then his voice cut through her thoughts. "One last confession?" Anya's head swiveled to look straight at him. His smile looked a lot more hopeful than she'd ever seen before, but it also kept wavering like he might pop a gasket. How sincere he looked made up for it and melted her heart all the way through the damn floor. "I respect Commander Shepard like hell. But those last few weeks on the Normandy? I was starting to like Anya a lot better."

Tragically, Anya felt her eyes tear up. Even without the confession shit, hearing someone she cared about say that? Damn, did that mean a lot to her. Garrus put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it, which did not help the weird whirlpool of overwhelmed feelings. She knuckled away any stray tears as quickly as she could. "Now that I'm not being a lying asshole, I gotta admit you're pretty adorable when you try not to cry."

Anya punched his shoulder. "Vakarian, I swear I will kill you-"

"Also cute when you try to threaten my life."

"Both you and Wrex need to work on what you find endearing." She crossed her arms and tried to take slower breaths and prayed her face cooled off. She needed to stop being such an embarrassment. Garrus also needed to work on what he found endearing since he liked her like _this_, messy and red and almost crying.

Next to her, he cocked his head sideways. "What do you mean?"

"Before... When we dropped him off, he was proud of people wanting to kill him? And I told him he shouldn't find that charming?" Anya realized that even though the memory was fresh for her, only a few weeks ago, Garrus hadn't seen Wrex in two years. She grimaced and facepalmed. "This whole time jump thing is going to be weird for a while, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it will be. But I'll be here for you like always."

Anya had to deflect; at this point she needed to, or her best friend was about to turn her entire body into a giant tomato with no chance of turning back to its normal color. With a very uneven laugh that cycled through several pitches, she said, "Just realized, you don't even know if I still feel the same way about you. You just assumed. Bold of a so-called insecure asshole."

"How could anyone not love this face?" He paused, and poked her cheek. "And no offense, but look at _your_ face." Before she could get mad, he continued, "In all seriousness, I didn't know until you looked at me in med-bay."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, it was when your Commander face was finally down. Even though you only looked for a few days and I looked for a few years, I knew that smile. And I can't tell you how much I wanted to hold you again, seeing you look as relieved as I felt."

Anya wanted to curl up in the corner because her entire body was warm and awkward. She had to be upgrading from tomato to cooked lobster. "You say you're not good at romantic..."

"Give me a minute. I'll say something wonderfully unsexy."

No matter how much she totally loved being embarrassed and impressed and feel her heart beat out of her chest, she did say what she came down here to say. And, she had other things to do. Looking up at his bright blue eyes, she sighed in disappointment. _She really couldn't stay down here and look at them all day, could she?_ "Would love to, but I have some mission reports to go over." _She also needed a cold shower and a nap, too. _

They stood in front of each other and just kinda stood stiff, neither really knowing what to do. Anya just nodded and started sliding her way towards the door. When she was almost out, all the fuzzy feelings in her chest couldn't help but add, "Two years, and I still found you."

"Yeah, you did, A-Anya." Garrus winced so hard that she could see his flexing muscles ripple throughout his shoulders. _Yep, needed a cold shower._ Scratching his head, his face looked pained when he said, "Dammit, first time using your first name and I say it like you have a gun to my head. Perfect."

Anya just kept walking very slowly through the open door. "And there it is. The awkward turian of my dreams." After she said that, her entire body caved in, turning into some sort of horrific modern art piece about social suffering. Covering her face with both hands, she rubbed her cheeks and shook her head. How were they two of the galaxy's top soldiers? The universe had terrible taste. They were pathetic. "Fuck, we both need to work on this. But for now, with that horrible, cringey statement, I should go."

Before she could reach the hallway, he stepped forward and squeezed her hand, giving a wink. Every organ in her abdomen fluttered. She was a little bitter that the man had his moments of being so damn charming. "As long as you promise to come back."

Like the horribly awkward grub of a human she was, she shook his hand, then let it go. "I will."

Turning on her heel, she walked away from the battery and hoped space lightning struck her dead before she ran into anyone. Luckily, no one paid any attention to the freshly embarrassed, cherry-colored human walking across the crew deck and into the elevator.

Anya was absolutely pathetic, definitely even more than he was, but she also couldn't help but feel her heart dance a goddamn jitterbug in her chest.

She did need a shower and a nap and to go over some mission reports, but before that she pinged the only other confidant she had. _My answer changed. The reunion was good. Really good._

Joker responded a few seconds after she started prepping the water. She checked her datapad one last time to read, _Great! Do I get to win the dating pool, then? I bet 50 credits on your big, obvious turian crush._

Staring at her screen, Anya snorted, but played coy. _I didn't say anything about dating. _

_Don't make me force EDI to pull up the footage. _

With an eye-roll, Anya replied, _I'll send you 300 credits if you shut up._

_Sounds like a deal. _A pause. _Extorting you about your dating life is great, I've really missed out all these years. _

_Fuck off, Joker. _

_Happy you're happy, Anya. _

/

I love this chapter sososososo much. It's super long, but I always knew I wanted them to talk about their feelings instead of playing the slow burn forever. I feel like people who were as close as they were would always struggle not just letting their feelings fall out of their mouths. Instead, our conflict is them being awkward middle schoolers falling in love and trying to save the galaxy.

Thanks so much for reading. Even more thanks to my lovely patrons:

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	23. Part 2- Chapter 7: American-Made

Shepard hadn't seen Admiral Anderson in two years; not since she made him a Councillor and disappeared at Alchera.

Well, disappeared was the nice, less disturbing way to put it. Only so many ways to phrase the whole "death" thing before it got unpleasant.

While she'd normally be stoked to see her old captain, Anya could feel the nervousness infecting every inch of her body. She was pulling at any loose strand on her bun, or tapping her fingers on her holster. Anything to not think about the fact she was coming to him as a Cerberus operative.

It almost made her mouth feel dirty, thinking about it.

She could kind of tell she was making Garrus nervous, too. He kept on swatting her hands every so often, trying to get her to stop fiddling with everything. It wasn't working very well.

Finally, after dealing with her shit for a whole ten minutes waiting by Udina's office, he grabbed both of her hands. "Shepard, I swear to god if you don't stop I'm going to ask C-Sec for some cuffs."

Part of her wanted to make a kinky joke, and she was really tempted, but she also wasn't sure if she might throw up the second she opened her mouth.

Other than Oksana and Joker, Anderson was the closest thing she had to family. Joker was easy to please, and Oksana was off god knows where, so he was the only person whose opinion mattered. She couldn't stand it if she just came back from the dead to find him-

Just then, the door opened next to them and Garrus dropped her hands. She'd have to tell him thank you for that later, because she couldn't do it now.

Peeking his head out, with a serious face on, was Anderson himself.

Anya held her breath.

His face turned, saw her, and then he started walking over. He even stood in front of her, looking down on her like she was still a private on her first field training exercise. But just as she was ready to either cry at his feet or panic jab his gut and tell him not to be an asshole, he pulled her into his arms. "I've never seen you this Alliance proper in your life." When he pulled back, he was smiling at her, and every muscle in her body unclenched. "I guess I never did, since this is your second one."

He pulled away and Garrus shook his hand. "She wanted to make a good impression."

"Good to see you again, Garrus." He shot a look at Shepard. "Could've used this enthusiasm when you were serving on my ship, but I'll take it now." Anderson gestured at her hair, still looking amused and bemused about the whole situation. "Gotta admit, it's damn strange to see the bun in a non-combat situation."

Chuckling, Anya reached up to her head and started taking out pins. He was right; the bun was an overreaction at best. She didn't need to be Alliance standard with him; they were years past that. "If you were going to ream me about my recent life choices, or lack of choices, I wanted to do something right."

"You're perfectly alright as you are, Shepard." Leading them into Udina's office, who was graciously allowing them the space while he was out doing something diplomatic, Anderson added, "You belong in the Alliance, though. But I do understand that when you need to do something, it needs to be done."

Anya could feel all her collective anxieties fall to the floor. Finally, she leaned against the railing, shook out her fingers, and smiled at him wide. "It's good to see you."

"Not as good as it is to see you." Cocking his head towards the desk that Garrus was currently perusing, giving them some space, Anderson had that smile on that he always got when pissing off Udina. "Not sure our favorite Councillor would say that, though. Udina's not happy with you. Says the whole "coming back from the dead" thing has left him a lot of paperwork."

Anya snorted and said sarcastically, "I am so very sorry for that."

"I told him it was karma for being an uptight asshole." Though Anya would love to keep bantering with him like old times, the way he stretched his neck and straightened out meant he was getting to the more "admiral of the Alliance" part of the conversation. "Speaking of humanity's representative, I don't have much good news for you, unfortunately. While I don't trust Cerberus as far as I can throw them, the Alliance is being particularly difficult about you coming back. If you joined rank again right now, you'd be tied up in red tape for weeks. And from how it sounded in your email, you don't have the time for that."

"No, not really."

"I'm sorry I can give you the Alliance loophole you hoped for."

"It was a long shot. I didn't expect much. Best I can do is send some of my reports to you. Cerberus never said there was a rule against sharing."

"And there's the rebellious asshole I know." Anderson chuckled and gestured at Garrus. "I'm happy you at least have some good crew with you."

She caught her breath looking over at the tall turian trying to mind his own business. While he wasn't doing it now, she was sure that her entire conversation with Anderson, he'd been throwing glances her way, keeping an eye on her. Most days, she'd find his mother hen behavior annoying. But thinking about the battery the other day?

Her heart warmed up, knowing he had her back every second. "Me, too." Turning back to Anderson, she was quick to take a deep breath and stave off any blush. This was not the game she wanted to play in front of her only father figure. "Now, anything else I missed?"

For the next twenty minutes of so, Anderson gave her the low down on Alliance happenings since she got spaced. While Joker and Chakwas gave her some basics, Anderon's rank gave her a clearer picture of things.

When it came to the Collector attacks, the Alliance was moving full-force to place soldiers on its outermost colonies and protect them from danger. He couldn't tell her much, but he did say the promoted Commander Alenko was on deployment to oversee some of the defense protocols.

Shepard didn't bother asking where. She knew that would be crossing a line of classified clearance that he couldn't give her.

He also talked about Oksana. He said that after losing her, Oksana started to spearhead expeditions into the Terminus Zones. Her recon missions in the Marakov had become vital for their intel on Geth whereabouts and possible future strikes.

And then, to avoid the woman between them that broke both their hearts a little bit, they talked about smaller details. Old Normandy crash site, recent Council changes, the amount of Alliance babies named "Anya" or "Shepard" in the past two years. But Anya did make him promise to let her tell Oksana Shepard about her return herself.

Even though Anya could spend the next few days bonding with Anderson again, reminding herself of her past where he was her mentor and the galaxy was just as stressful, just less of it relied on her.

Pushing off the railing and pulling him in for a hug, Anya said, "Next time I'm by the Citadel, save a dinner for me, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan, Shepard." He waved her and Garrus out. It felt like she was leaving a piece of herself in that room, some of the woman she used to be. After all, she spent a decade in the Alliance and now it felt so far away from her.

Next to her, Garrus bumped her shoulder with his elbow. "We could've stayed longer, you know."

Shaking her head, Anya stopped walking and looked up at him. She didn't know how to tell him that his sweetness didn't make up for all the gaps in her world. "I'm not Alliance anymore. There was only so much we could say in there, and none of it would be enough. Maybe once this is all over I can fill in the gaps with him. But not now." Anya exhaled and tossed all her hair to one shoulder. She was looking at her omni-tool, seeing if her contact replied. _Bingo_. Instructions and everything. "Anyway, we have a new crew-member to meet up with. They even messaged me a rendezvous point and everything."

Garrus tilted his head and asked, "Oh? And why didn't you tell me?"

"Didn't get the 100% confirmation until a few minutes ago." Walking forward, she smirked. Even if Anderson's office brought up a lot of complicated feelings, this should be fun. "Ready to go meet the the best thief in the galaxy?"

Peering at her, Garrus caught up to her fast pace and crossed his arms. When she wasn't such a scared baby, she'd have to tell him how adorable he looked when he was skeptical. She really liked the way his mandible twitched. "I miss picking up violent Krogan. That was easy."

"Don't worry, we have one of those on the docket, too. He's just not on the Citadel."

"Perfect." Rolling his eyes, Garrus followed her down a few streets before asking, "So how are we even finding this master thief?"

Just as she was going to answer him, a nearby ad podium started talking, loud. "Commander Shepard! Type in your password to get a free gift!" Shepard looked and there was a hooded figure with unique tattoos displayed on the screen. She gestured at it and walked over.

Garrus blinked. "I guess it's safe to assume we go to the podium that's talking to you." When they were standing in front of it, he only seemed to cross his arms tighter and asked, "What now?"

She pulled up her omni-tool to interface with it. "I have to type in Silence is golden."

"Not exactly your motto."

"You could choose not to heckle me every five minutes. Yet here we are."

"Don't worry, it's only because it's so fun to see you get angry." All of a sudden, Garrus leaned in closer and had his face inches from hers. Anya's entire body seized up at the could even feel his breath on her skin. If she wasn't so attracted to him, she would've thrown him across the road for this behavior. Instead, she just stood there, frozen by his voice and wildly annoying body heat. "And it's a vital part of my irresistible charm."

Turning towards him, she shook her head, her cheeks red. Those mischievous blue eyes and everything connected to them were going to drive her absolutely insane. "You..."

"Sorry to interrupt whatever's happening here, but hello."

Swivelling her entire body back towards the podium, Anya whacked Garrus in the face with her arm and improvised. "This was just reflex training."

"Okay then." With a smile, the hooded figure said, "Well, I assume you know who I am."

"Kasumi Goto."

"Right."

Placing her hand under her own chin, Anya peered at the ad, perplexed. "Why all the smoke and mirrors?"

"Had to make sure you were legit. Anyway, I'm the best thief in the business, not the most famous. I intend to keep it that way."

That only made Anya all the more perplexed and intrigued. "Professional curiosity, what makes you so sure I'm Commander Shepard?"

"You have an aura of seeing things no one else has. Also, your mannerisms are pretty distinct in the vids." Her hand had been out, gesturing, but Anya tucked them both behind her back. Great, apparently she had tells. "With those arm gestures and the turian sidekick, I knew it was you even before you plugged in the password." Okay, the turian sidekick part made her snort. Next to her, Garrus didn't look nearly as amused.

Shaking her head, Anya laughed, "Apparently I can't go anywhere without getting recognized now. Lovely." She already liked the thief, but she had to focus on logistics. This was technically business here, after all. "Has Cerberus filled you in or do I need to give you one hell of a debriefing on the Normandy?" Anya added, "It'll come with a "too late to run for your life" contract and everything."

"Oh no, I know everything. More than Cerberus probably wants me to know. I'm the one who found them. They started looking for me, so I got nosy." While the statement at face value was arrogant, Anya could tell there was more matter-of-fact truth in it than pride. And how could she dislike someone three steps ahead of Cerberus? "I didn't take much convincing. The signing bonus was worth it alone."

Anya's forehead wrinkled. "Signing bonus?"

"I guess it slipped their minds to mention it. Help me find my old partner's graybox. Someone took it, and I'm planning on getting it back."

"If that's the deal, that's the deal." Anyway, it sounded much more wholesome than Zaeed's deal any day. If she agreed to revenge murder, she could agree to honoring a dead partner. "We can iron out the details more once you're set up in the Normandy."

"Good." Behind them, Anya heard a tactical cloak deactivate. Her head turned and there was the hooded figure with this adorable, amused smirk. She had to admit, it was impressive for someone to get a tactical cloak past her. "Time to wrap this up. You're starting to look pretty silly, talking to an advertisement. I'll head to the Normandy. Miranda will settle me in, right?"

"I won't even bother asking why you know that. See you then, Kasumi."

Her cloak went back up and she disappeared away. Once Shepard didn't see any glimmers anymore, she looked to Garrus. He had his arms crossed and was glaring at her.

She had a feeling it had nothing to do with Kasumi and instead with the little dribble of blue blood on his mouth.

"Reflex training? Really?"

"I panicked."

"Clearly."

Shepard patted his arm. While she did sort of feel bad, he did turn her face pink in public. That was pretty reprehensible. She figured he didn't want to hear that logic, though, so she settled for a truce. "Let me make it up to you with some dinner."

Garrus snorted, smiling down at her. "Did the great Commander Shepard just as me out on a date without getting all flustered? I'm touched."

Her cheeks flared. Okay, the turian was certified evil now. The only reason she wasn't kicking him out was because her heart got really stupid around him and would probably chicken out.

Rolling her eyes, she started walking off towards their destination. "We're meeting people there, but okay, ruin my face why don't you."

"I wouldn't call it ruined." It was a little annoying how easily Garrus caught up to her. Guess having much longer legs than her had its perks. When she looked back up at him, he had this tortured look on his face. "I always thought your face looked fairly... even."

"Was that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Sorry, not good at human affection. I'll try again." Coughing, he instead looked down on her and gave one of those slow, easy smiles. Anya realized maybe those smiles had always had something more than just friendship behind them. "I'll try again. Your eyes are always nice to look at."

"... Better." She ran a hand through her hair and tried not to think about how, in theory, they had reciprocated feelings and hadn't kissed yet so maybe if she just dragged him over to that nearby alley-

She shook her head and said, walking faster, "But we should get where we're going before everyone else beats us there. I'm supposed to get a table."

At nearly a jogging pace, Shepard got them across a few wards and led Garrus to an odd little restaurant tucked in the corner of a generally bizarre pavillion, with a fish shop and toy store on either side.

Between the cherry red overhang and the ancient posters, Garrus was staring at the place like it was a trap.

"So, why are we at this... Earth museum? I thought you said dinner." Just then, very timely, a waitress passed them with a plate of burgers and fries, heading to a couple sitting outside. "Wait, there's food?"

When someone got to the host station, Shepard said, "Booth 1, please, for 8. Tell Alita it's Shepard." The host, a slightly overwhelmed looking Salarian, scampered off towards the back. Smirking, Anya was happy to see this place again. The peppermint colored booths, the stools, the smell of greasy food in the air... She glanced back at Garrus to explain. "It's a theme restaurant, based on 1950's diners in America. And we're here because I'm taking some of my own advice."

"Which is...?"

"I told Miranda the reason our team worked so well last time was that I got personal and we all treated each other as a respected unit. It's a little harder with this bunch, but the principle still applies."

The Salarian came back and started ushering them to the table. When they were seated, he added, "Alita says she'll come give you a proper hello when she has a moment to spare."

"Perfect."

Across from her in the largest booth in the joint, Garrus looked completely overwhelmed. Eventually, after giving at least three stunned and confused once-overs of the entire place, he intertwined his fingers in front of him and stared at her. Anya was really enjoying Garrus out of his element. But he interrupted her amusement, saying, "Let's circle back to why we're here."

Anya knew it would get to this point, so she already had a little speech prepared in her head. "This is my favorite place on the citadel. I used to only take Joker, but I'm inviting the whole team here for dinner. They serve dextro and levo foods. The owner is an Asari who's wildly enthusiastic about historical earth foods. Weird obsession, but I won't complain."

He nodded, but still didn't look satisfied with her answer. "And why do you like this?"

That was the question she had been hoping to avoid. "It's lame, don't ask." Scratching her neck, she tried to avoid his very persistent eye contact.

But he wouldn't let up. "Anya, I'm asking."

Dammit. He used the first name trump card. Taking a deep breath, Anya prepared herself for the less than cheerful story.

"Fine. I never knew my dad, and my mom never talked about him. This was the first thing I found in space that was purely American, like him. So I fell in love with it." Twirling and pinching off pieces of napkin, Anya couldn't look at him when she talked about her dad. It was something so oddly personal. But she didn't stop explaining, "When the only things you know about your dead dad are his name, nationality, and career, you grab onto what you can. And since I'm a shit pilot, this is it."

"You can say that again." Her eyes flicked up to his, "I've been in the Mako with you. You're a really, really shit pilot."

"Shut up." But she couldn't complain too much. She didn't want to get too deep, and he'd deflected perfectly for her. Sometimes she wondered how the damned turian could know her so well. The only clue she had was that if he had been looking at her as long as she'd been looking a little too close at him, that explained some of it.

Anya didn't need to fall into flirtatious thoughts right now, though, not when she was supposed to be the charismatic Commander soon. "I'm happy we got here first anyway, it's nice to show it to you alone." And the way he smiled at her? It knocked her out.

The crew wasn't here yet, though, were they?

In their final moments alone, she wanted to remind herself that the other day was real, that he felt the same way about her as she did. Her fingers brushed up against his and his smile only got sweeter.

But then someone was touching her shoulder and said, "Ooh, what's up, lovebirds?"

Before she could react like a normal human, her hand swung up and her fist connected with Joker's nose. Anya was in panic mode faster than she could handle. Cupping Joker's chin, she started to feel around his face to make sure everything was in place. "I'm so sorry! I was startled?!"

Garrus snorted across from her. "Don't feel bad, Joker, punching seems to be her thing today."

After Anya stopped inspecting Joker's face, where luckily nothing was broken, he slid into the booth next to Anya. He didn't stop glaring at her, though. "And to think, we would've had to ruin this date for a broken nose."

"It's not a date. The whole crew's invited." At Joker's raised eyebrow, Anya threw up her hands. "What, did you think it was just going to be me, you, and Garrus?"

"I thought I might be getting the serious "Joker, keep your big fat mouth to yourself" talk."

_On second thought, that wasn't a terrible idea._ "I mean yeah, do that. But no, the goal was some crew bonding."

"Then you two need to be a little less conspicuous there. Almost holding hands? Seriously?"

"Shut up."

As her cheeks started to feel too warm for comfort, Garrus interjected, "Is that a human thing? The redness?" Oh lord, she could kill him. Who needed a supportive boyfriend anyway, right?

Joker didn't catch onto her scathing looks and responded, "Technically, yes. But I'm honestly impressed at how red she's getting."

"I'm not a goddamn science experiment, you pricks."

Luckily, just as the guys seemed to want to launch into a whole conversation about red cheeks, Miranda showed up with the rest of the crew in tow. Thank god. Her savior.

The pretty Cerberus officer split the group and they pushed the current seating in. Which meant she was wedged in between Joker and Garrus, an inconvenient space to be inconspicuous.

Miranda was the first to talk. "Impressive you found a place with so many different food styles, Shepard."

"The chef who owns this place has been cooking different food bases for centuries, so she's an artist, honestly." Happy to play excited host instead of Joker and Garrus' comedic punching bag, she added, "I'm happy you guys all came. You even snagged Kasumi."

Kasumi and Miranda were sitting side by side, and Miranda furrowed her expressive brows at the woman next to her. "She was already unpacking when I found her in the Starboard Port. Which says some concerning things about our security measures."

The master thief shrugged. Anya wondered if she ever went out without the intense hooded look. "They were alright, but they don't seem to register tactical cloaks. I can-"

Oh no. "Don't worry about that." She could feel her cheeks going red again, and ANya started to wonder if maybe she shouldn't have tried the whole bonding thing. All bonding seemed to do was turn her into an embarrassing idiot.

Next to Zaeed, Jack cackled."Oh, I like that kind of shit-eating embarrassment. What's the story, Shep?"

"Nope. So if you-"

Before she could shut him up, actually break his nose, something, Joker betrayed her. Like normal. _Why did she put up with him?_ "She likes to sneak around the ship without people noticing. Caught her and EDI planning how to do it."

"You motherf-"

Mordin said, "Interesting. Can see the appeal of avoiding conversation when busy."

But the concerning part was the frown that grew on Zaeed's face. "Is that why my damn door keeps opening sometimes? Have you been stealing my shit?"

"No, I just like looking at your guns." Wincing she added, "Without having to talk to you. Your stories are a little long."

Seeing everything was going completely off the rails, Miranda interjected. "Well anyway. This dinner is about bonding. Tell us more about the old Normandy. Did you and Garrus have some sort of pre-mission ritual things you do?"

Simultaneously, Shepard and Garrus gave opposite answers, respectively.

"Yes."

"No."

Sighing, Anya accepted the secret was out. Running a hand through her hair, she said, "I mean, it's not exactly mission prep. We used to have Friday movie nights."

Miranda nodded, in the organizer way that didn't make her feel good about the sanctity of her Friday Movie Nights. "A movie night wouldn't be a bad idea for morale. We could do a rotation so everyone can pick a favorite."

"No!" Shepard pressed a hand to her temple. This was not going at all as planned. "I mean-"

Garrus threw her a line, tapping her thigh and shutting her up. "She means it used to just be the two of us. No one else was all that interested."

Unfortunately, nobody caught the hint. Joker was holding in a sadistic bout of laughter behind his hands. Jack said, "Hell, I'm interested. Would love to show you pussies some good shit."

"There is a beautiful Salarian opera that too many other species never bother to see."

"Right." Shepard sighed, accepted defeat, and gestured to the table full of her new crew. If she had to sacrifice Friday Movie Nights for a more unified team, it wouldn't be the worst thing. "I guess if you're all interested, we can do Friday movie nights."

Joker took over, letting out his laugh like it was about something else."You guys better be ready for some top tier comedy, because we have to up your joke game. I can't carry y'all forever."

Even though the dinner started out as a stumbling mess, afterwards they started to fall into easy conversation. The humans at the table debated the best milkshake flavors and Shepard got to show off her long relationship with the esteemed owner, a beautiful Asari matron by the name of Alita. There were quite a fun favorite gun debates and it was really fun.

Sure, they weren't her old crew. But they had their own charm and Anya had to admit they were growing on her. Especially ever since she decided to put an effort into making a real team out of them.

What it made it better was that, under the table, Garrus had taken to holding her hand covertly. It made her so much more energetic and fluttery, with his right next to her, silently cheering her on.

She could handle keeping what they had to herself awhile longer.

After an hour or two, the whole group finished up and headed back to the Normandy. Everyone walked in front while she and Garrus stayed back. They weren't touching, but they kept close, and that was enough to keep her grinning like an idiot.

But then Miranda circled back from the front and started walking with them, something in her hands. Anya didn't really know what to expect, except maybe some weird administrative tool or something. Miranda said, "Hey Shepard, I know it isn't much, but I asked Joker and-" Then, she handed Shepard a pot with a tiny little aloe plant. Anya was a little too stunned to say anything. "Just wanted to thank you for our chat the other day. I hope you actually enjoy this... thing."

Flashing Miranda a grin, she remembered how decked out in greenery her old room used to be. They hadn't had time for her to repopulate, but this was a start. Her room would feel more like home again. "I love it."

After Miranda went back to the front, being the proper leader she was, Garrus gestured to the pot. "New plant?"

"Yep."

"About damn time." He bumped her shoulder and said, "Y'know, we can have our own movie nights on a different day."

"I know." Snorting, she offered, "Friday Movie Night after-party?"

"Sure, if it makes you smile like that more often."

Anya didn't say anything more, but she bit her lip and tried to keep all the electric energy in. The universe needed saving, like it always did, but maybe this time around she had space to be Commander Shepard and Anya.

Maybe having Garrus by her side would make it easier for her to be the real, squishy human inside.

/

Hope you enjoyed the longest chapter I've ever written! haha this baby was a whopping almost 5k, because I just wanted to chock in all these connected Citadel moments. I probably should've split it into two chapters for my sanity, but hey, I write fun not smart

I am loving awkward "not sure what to do around each other" Garrus and Anya. Gives me serious callbacks to when I was a weird, crushing hard 16 year old and I love mixing that in with them being badass soldiers.

Thanks everyone for enjoying, it makes writing so every day a even more fun :)

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	24. Part 2- Chapter 8: The Sex Thing

So, it wasn't that she was avoiding Garrus.

It was just that, after Joker made fun of them at the diner, she was getting real paranoid about how they should be acting in front of the crew. She didn't know anyone who dated their subordinates, even though that wasn't really what she and Garrus were like. It was just, it seemed all the blossoming couples she ever met were of the same rank. Or, already married.

And Anya felt a lot of amazing, fuzzy things for Garrus, but that was a step she wasn't quite ready for.

So, otherwise, she couldn't remember a CO that dealt with this shit. She had no clue how to act. There weren't any tips or tricks about this in the Alliance handbook. How was she supposed to be a professional, commanding leader with Garrus always around? Would people take her less seriously once they knew? Should they keep it a deep dark secret until further notice?

Anya just needed more time to wrap her head around it all.

Maybe that meant she was being an avoidant baby by inviting Zaeed and Mordin to the mission instead of Garrus, but that's just how it was.

Suiting up did feel sort of wrong without him, though.

They were heading down to a planet called Korlus, picking up one of the last dossiers on The Illusive Man's list. He was a Krogan Warlord named Okeer, and apparently his combat prowess and skills in genetics would be very helpful.

Personally, Anya found the idea of trying to beg her Krogan ex-Merc for help much more appealing, but whatever. Guess mass murder was just going to be one of the job requirements to be on this ship. And who knows, maybe he'd become her Krogan grandpa or something.

As she pulled up her new boots that she hated (unfortunately Cerberus trashed her old ones when they found her body), she was double-checking all the ways things could go wrong on the planet and how she could be prepared for them.

But then, next to her, Zaeed started complaining about something when the bay doors opened. "I thought the drill was three-man squads."

"What?" Standing up and turning her head, she saw Garrus, already geared up and ready to go. She put on her helmet fast to cover up her flaring cheeks. "Garrus? When did you get here?"

The turian peered at her. "What do you mean, I always go on missions with you." Then, he crossed his arms and Anya started to feel sick. Christ, this was all her fault. What did she expect, just trying to ghost him out of missions? The second he joined up, she took him everywhere with her. "I do, right?"

Shepard couldn't look him in the eyes, instead turning to the other two giving her perplexed looks. "You're totally right, but I decided to try out four today. Changing it up. Getting real crazy." The second she finished saying that garbage fire of a statement, she couldn't look at the other two party-members, either. Anya just did a few bizarre arm gestures before pointing to the merc in charge of the plan today. "Let's go over the mission plan then. Zaeed?"

"Jedore, my contact, should be able to escort us safely to this Warlord asshole. Apparently they hired him to create some grunts for them, but he's being a difficult old prick. She's happy to let us take him off their hands." He pulled up his omni-tool to show a layout of the complex. It was a little complicated, but probably not too bad with a guide.

Anya took a deep breath and focused on her Commander talk. "How trustworthy is this Jedore?"

Zaeed looked a little serious and angry, but no more than normal. She took it as a good sign. "She was one of the few Blue Suns that didn't want to stab me in the back and face after Vido used his limp, shriveled balls to bulldoze me, so I'd say she's good enough."

Garrus leaned closer to her and said, "Was it a sex thing?"

"Jedore or Vido?"

"Both."

Anya snorted and bumped Garrus' shoulder back. "Totally a sex thing."

"Fuck off. Buzzards." Shepard swallowed down another snort and, once she realized she was standing a little too precariously close to Garrus, took a few sidesteps. Dammit, she was going to have to get better at not invading his personal space. How did she even start doing it? Zaeed kept explaining, saying, "Anyway, it should be an easy in and out. So don't be disgusting bastards about it."

"Okay people, sounds like it should be a cakewalk. But just in case, suit up with your two favorite guns and be ready for anything." Looking at Mordin, she added, "And Mordin? Don't mention your hand in the Genophage. We're supposed to pick up this guy, not have him want to drop you off the next skyscraper."

"Valid request." The team worked together to load the drop ship and told the pilot where to take them. Technically Shepard had shuttle pilot clearance, but Garrus had forbidden her from doing it herself. Said he suffered one too many Mako trips for her bullshit.

While Anya was annoyed, she couldn't really blame him.

Just as Zaeed started to help the pilot prep for takeoff, the rest of them settled into the hold. Shepard sat down across from Mordin, only for Garrus and his persistent smirk start sitting down next to her. With only seconds to spare, she stopped buckling and hopped sides, sitting next to the Salarian scientist. And before Garrus could ask, she got said Salarian talking. It was the best way to shut up anyone else. "So! I wanted to ask more about STG. How'd you go from there to a clinic on Omega?"

Only half-listening to Mordin prattle on about his adventures, which were admittedly fantastic stories, she did take time to glance over at Garrus. Without his helmet on yet, he was staring at her with this bemused look, like he was trying to figure her out.

Maybe she could explain all of it later, but for now she just wanted to be Commander Shepard, who gave every crew member equal opportunity of her time. Until she knew what to do about the butterfly house he put in her chest, she couldn't risk triggering it too much.

Luckily, Garrus didn't push it. He put on his helmet and started listening to Mordin, too.

When they got to the surface, they all secured their helmets and walked out onto the unbreathable planet. There, they met a fully clad Blue Suns merc with an admittedly sexy voice. She put her hands on her hips when she walked up to Zaeed.

"Been awhile, dirty old man."

The merc tipped his head towards her. "Pleasure to see you again, Jedore."

All three standing in a cluster behind the obvious flirters, Garrus was the one who said, "Dammit, it totally was a sex thing."

Mordin even tossed in his two cents this time: "Would vote affirmative, especially from the way they position their hips-" Anya almost hurled, picturing Zaeed in some seriously compromising positions.

"Zaeed's my mother's age, so please stop getting into specifics. I'll vomit." Just then, as she stepped forward, a wall of metal crates collapsed as a krogan ran through it. On instinct she got out her gun, but not before a Blue Suns defense turret gunned the charging alien down.

Jedore scoffed, "Damned rogue krogan."

When she put her gun away, Anya didn't mean to, but she turned towards Garrus to take a deep breath, pat his shoulder, and give him a nod. He tipped his own helmet and let go of her waist. Anya hadn't even realized he did until he let go. She didn't even have to ask him to give an excuse, he willingly coughed and said, "Just wanted to be ready to pull you out of there if you needed it."

Next to them, Mordin cocked his head. "Curious. From the positioning of your-"

Anya didn't want to get _that _conversation started and talked over him. "Let's just get this over with and talk to Okeer, okay?"

Zaeed, hearing Anya's loud outburst, looked to Jedore. "Lead the way?"

"Don't stare at my ass too much, Z."

Chuckling, Zaeed followed her, leading their team. "No promises."

"I don't even like him that much, but I feel like I'm watching my dad have sex and I hate it." Anya recoiled in discomfort, scrunching up her nose like she'd walked in on a room full of garbage and it wouldn't go away. If anything, it was just pushing closer and closer towards her.

Garrus snorted and countered, "Look at the way his eye is sparkling, let him have this one."

"Male humans can remain very sexually active for some time, so I've heard, so it's natural-"

Between the medical info and the bizarre encouragement, Anya was over both perspectives. "Stop talking. You all are gross."

Jedore led them up a long, winding building, passing by some of her men fighting off rogue Krogan left and right. After awhile, though, they reached the apex, a science lab with large tanks, filled with unconscious krogan. The only person actually standing in the room was a sour-faced warlord. Or, at least, Shepard assumed that was him.

Before she could even get a word in, he said, "The formerly deceased Commander Shepard. It's about time. I grow tired of these idiotic mercs. Pale imitations will never be real substitutes for the genophage. You showed Saren that the hard way."

Anya felt like she was transported into some war movie, where battles were treated like poetry. It made her a little uncomfortable to be spoken to like a beautiful fable. "I guess I did."

"Good. I have one condition. I created one, pure Krogan soldier, my cruel answer to the genophage. With this Krogan, the turians and Salarians' gentle genocide is ignored. Just as they deserve." Nodding towards their Blue Sun escort, Okeer added, "Jedore has grown impatient with the others I made, so take me and my perfect krogan out of here."

"You don't care about the others?"

"They are rejected, imperfect. They are strong, but their minds are barely their own. They'd do better to die on this planet than spread their flaws across the galaxy." Looking at rows and rows of tanks out in the open, past the lab, he sneered at them like they were insulting. "If Jedore was a better Commander, they'd do exactly what she wanted. But they don't and that's not my problem. All I care about is my Krogan, the future template of my people."

Next to Zaeed, Jedore turned on her heel and walked towards a button. "Okay, I've had enough of acting friendly." When she pressed it, the exit door shut, tight, and the Krogan tanks outside started to open.

"Jedore, what the hell?"

"You know you never have been the only one I'm in bed with. A good fuck doesn't earn my loyalty Zaeed, money does. And you didn't offer nearly as much as Vido." She walked out the door, towards her Krogan, and broadcasted her mic back to them. "Now, I get to get your bounty and get this maniac Krogan off my hands. And bonus, I'm going to make him watch me kill his precious "Pure Krogan" once and for all."

Okeer glared at them. "You want me, you save my Krogan."

Groaning, Anya pulled out her gun, assessing the fight they were about to get in. While Jedore didn't seem all that intimidating, she didn't love the idea of fighting two dozen krogan. "Great contact, Zaeed."

"Stop your bellyaching and let's gut the bitch."

The team hopped down the left side of the lab and got to work. They had a whole bunch of krogan to gun down and one prick of a Blue Sun to take down.

Things were going well, even though Shepard couldn't use her tactical cloak at all. Getting close to any of those behemoths was just a bad idea in general, but even moreso for her small body. She just had to settle for her pistol-work.

Just as she was running low on pistol ammo, she heard a voice next to her. "Shepard! Here you go." Just as she turned to Garrus behind a nearby mental crate, he tossed her a thermal clip.

Grabbing the clip in her hand, she reloaded, but asked, "How'd you know?"

"I keep an eye out." Anya had to tell her fuzzy feelings to shut the hell up about that one.

Luckily, Okeer seemed to be right about the Krogan. While they were strong, they didn't have the same passion and ferocity of the Krogan she'd fought before. They charged, but not in a way that made you feel like they were willing to toss you off a building with them. Even though they still had to be smart about it, the krogan were dropping like flies and Jedore was across the way, trying to act like she was still in control.

Anya couldn't help herself. She laughed over comms and said, "We seem to have this whole situation fairly under control, which is a nice change of pace." Smirking, she added, "Hey Garrus. I bet I can snipe the kill shot before you."

"Oh, you're fucking on." That's when things started getting real heated. Both she and Garrus let Zaeed and Mordin focus on the krogan, while they kept on taking shots at Jedore. Shepard even pulled out her own sniper rifle, dinging down Jedore's shields from her shitty hiding spots across the way.

Unfortunately, though, even though Anya got in a couple good shots, in the end Garrus got the last one. He pulled his trigger and Jedore collapsed.

Anya muttered under her breath, "God dammit."

"And here we are again, with the true sniper king reigning victorious!" Garrus put his gun away and stood up, looking way too damn proud of himself. "I don't know why you bother trying."

"Because somebody has to try and knock your pompous ass down." Feeling a little bitter and mischievous, Shepard got a little closer before dropping to the ground, on the balls of her feet like a Russian dancer. "Like this." Then she used her right leg to sweep his feet out from under him before hopping back up and smirking down at him like an idiot.

Maybe she was an asshole, but boy was she a satisfied one.

He glared up at her from the ground. "Dick move. You're getting punished for that."

Anya had no clue what he meant, and was honestly a little unsettled about what could even fall in that wheelhouse. She knew leg sweeps weren't his thing, so it wasn't going to be one to one revenge. But before she could react, he stood up, grabbed her waist, and threw her over his shoulder.

Oh. This shit again.

Knowing the only way she was getting down was by breaking a bone, Anya accepted that maybe she deserved this. She crossed her arms on his shoulders and just accepted her imprisonment.

She could hear someone run up, and then the gravelly voice of Zaeed ask, "The hell is going on here?"

"Shepard is getting a time out for being a sore loser."

Rolling her eyes, Anya countered, "I can reach my combat knife. I could stab you if I wanted to."

"Comforting. Maybe this is why you get time outs."

They started walking back towards the lab, Shepard still trapped on the tall turian's shoulder. Mordin took up walking behind him, and was peering at Anya's frown like it was a science experiment. Finally, he said, "Other species are so bizarre with their friendship rituals."

"Don't rope us all in, scientist. It's just these damned idiots." Seemed Zaeed didn't subscribe to whatever the hell weird things she and Garrus had going on.

Honestly, she couldn't blame him.

Just as she was half convinced Garrus was just going to keep her here on his shoulder until they got back on the Normandy, he stopped dead and said, "Fuck."

"I don't like the sound of that fuck." Wordlessly, Garrus put her down. Brushing off her suit, she turned around to see Okeer's dead body next to a console that was talking at them. "Fuck."

Walking over to the warlord's last message, he begged, "...my legacy is pure. This one soldier. This grunt. Perfect."

Anya was a little too stunned by it all. Apparently, he'd redirected the noxious fumes Jedore had tried to pump into the tank into his lab, instead. She got that Okeer cared about his creations, but she wouldn't have expected him to end his own life for it. For a ruthless warlord, it was a very sentimental way to go out.

But there wasn't time to ponder the moral quandaries of it all. If they didn't move, and fast, Blue Suns would come down on them without mercy.

"Guess we have some cargo to bring home, boys." She sighed and added, "Now, anyone know the easiest way out of here with a giant tank? We kinda shot our guide in the face and her buddies won't love that we did that."

"I will alert Joker and our shuttle pilot accordingly."

As Mordin walked out onto the staircase, Garrus said, "Well, that mission went as well as any other." Shepard snorted, but knew there wasn't much else to say. He was right.

Zaeed was less amused. "Baffles me that you think all this sideways shit is normal."

Shepard looked at Garrus and shrugged. "Honestly? Yeah."

"Christ on a fucking cumqaut." Zaeed punched Shepard's shoulder, and she normally would've been pissed, but she was pretty sure that for Zaeed that was a sign of affection. "At least for idiots you know what the hell you're doing in a fight. Jedore didn't have a damn chance."

Anya smirked and said, "We've gotten pretty good at the whole "people want us dead" thing."

"Never a dull moment with you, Shep." Garrus walked up to her and raised his hand. She didn't mean to, but it made her laugh. She had totally forgotten. Back in the day, on the first Normandy, at the end of every mission they did a way too intense bro-five. The two of them eventually even got other members of the crew to do it. Wrex absolutely loved flexing his guns once his other guns were done shooting.

Raising her own arm, she smacked her hand against his. However, when she started to grab his hand and do the flex thing, Garrus totally disengaged. "I- I'm going to go make sure no one's sniping Mordin off the side of the building.

Any other day, she'd be annoyed. But with her own behavior off the wall because she didn't know how to act with him? Well, it was nice to see Garrus clearly wasn't too sure of himself, either. And made her feel less bad for almost abandoning him on the Normandy.

She was really happy she didn't, though.

This "perfect krogan" might be the priority when she got back, but he definitely deserved a proper thank you. Anya couldn't ask for a better, equally awkward and tragic best friend to fall for.

Alone with Zaeed, she had one final question to round out the mission, "You totally had sex with Jedore and Vido, though, right?"

/

Author's Note:

Happy Monday everyone! 2 more chapters and then we catch up to where I'm at with DPL, which will change the posting schedule from 5-6 days a week to 3 (Tues., Thurs., Sat.)

I'm sorry for the super serious clickbait of this episode, just couldn't help myself.

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	25. Part 2- Chapter 9: Making New Protocols

After the most boring and infuriating chat with the Illusive Man (which started with scolding her about the tank-bred Krogan and then somehow ended with him negging her that this better be the best Krogan ever), Anya was ready to feed herself to their newest crew member. But since he wasn't up yet, she preferred to reference better sources than a self-righteous hologram in a booster seat.

So, she headed to the science lab where her best source on Krogan liked to hum while working.

Leaning against Mordin's examination table, Anya asked, "Can you give me an objective opinion on something regarding krogan?"

The Salarian scientist didn't stop organizing his desk drawers and samples, but nodded earnestly. "Of course."

"How do you think I should react to the test tube guy in the hold?"

"Too unpredictable. Recommend termination."

Anya threw up her arms. _Of all possible answers..._ "Absolutely not helpful."

Mordin stopped whatever he was doing to blink at her with his very serious browline. "When krogan are unpredictable, utmost precautions should be taken. No clue what Okeer pumped into it. Can't take chances."

"You're making me regret asking you for advice." Sometimes, she loved talking to Mordin, hearing him prattle on about STG or Salarian opera or catch him talking about family. But other times, he was difficult and made her want to shove his face near a chainsaw and ask if he liked the precision of the motors. Instead, she chose to try to be as precise as she could be with her words and intentions. "Removing murder as an option, how would you proceed?"

"Mild sedatives and a bribe."

Anya clapped her hands and pointed at him, hoping the whole production of it would make an impression; maybe get a Pavlovian response out of how he chose to answer her questions. "Yes. Better. I can use that."

While he didn't seem to care about what advice he gave, Mordin did seem amused by her arm movements. "Is it a hereditary or personality based? The hand gestures."

Even though Anya didn't appreciate prying too much, she figured she could throw Mordin a bone. Especially because said prying was scientific curiosity, not inflated ideals of her heroism. "My mother doesn't. I never knew my father, so it's possible. Personality-wise, I've found it more instinctive than expressive."

"Likely hereditary, then. Would love to see vids of the birth father. Quite sure it would be fascinating to compare."

A little too bitterly, Anya laughed. "You and me, both. Now, do you have any sedatives I can borrow?"

He gave a curt nod and handed a needle over. "One injection into the thigh right after emergence should weaken his strength somewhat and make him less violent."

"Thank you very much." Waving a hand at Mordin, she started to walk towards the door. "Time to wake us up a Krogan."

Sedative in pocket, all she needed now was a bribe. Lucky for her, if this was a "perfect" Krogan like Okeer said, this ship's existence was a bribe.

After all, what Krogan wouldn't love to be fighting the most dangerous missions in the galaxy and possibly dying in the process?

With purpose, Shepard at least equipped some basic shielding before heading down to engineering. They set up the tank in port cargo when they got back last night. And now, all prepped, she was going to open it.

Considering all his Shakespearean dramatics, they had to see what Okeer's legacy was about. Had to be interesting, at least. Maybe he'd have a bit more humor to him than Okeer.

Granted, since Okeer was his test tube dad the chances of that weren't great.

Just as she got to the metal doors, the comms turned on. Seemed she wasn't the only one in on her plan. "Uh, Shepard? Is EDI informing me correctly that you want to cage-fight with the full grown killing-machine Krogan baby?"

Anya rolled her eyes. He was all about her doing reckless, violent activity on the missions and telling him all about it, but the second it was on the Normandy? Now, that was too dangerous. "Don't mother me. Now buzz off, I'm busy "

Walking in, Anya was honestly a little in awe of the krogan. Unlike Wrex, his plating wasn't as angular. Instead, it was like he had gray rock ridges all over his forehead. And she had to give it to Okeer, despite never getting out of the tank yet, the guy looked seriously ripped.

As her hand reached for the keypad, EDI's voice reverberated through the room. "Are you sure, Shepard?"

"Yes."

A few finger flicks later, and Shepard released the lock. She pulled out her sedative and waited for the Krogan to be released. Every second longer the liquid took to drain, she could feel her anxiety rising. After all, it took just one bad reflex and even a mildly sedated Krogan could crush her skull.

Anya snorted. Good thing she and Garrus practiced reflex training.

When the tank was empty, the door slid open and the Krogan gasped for air, his bright blue eyes opening wide. Before he could react, she injected the sedative into his thigh. His eyes flicked down to her, a few feet below him, and glowered.

Anya swallowed and realized this didn't look great, from his perspective_. Right. _He probably didn't like being sedated much, either.

With a swing of his arm, the Krogan picked up Shepard and pinned her against the wall. "What were you doing to me?"

"Just trying to make this meeting a little nicer, but guess we have to do this the hard way." Rearing her head back, Anya went for plan B. She knocked her skull against his, staggering the krogan backwards. She dropped, but got right back in his face. "My name is Commander Shepard, this is my vessel, and if you want a good fight, you better keep your arms to yourself. "

Though the Krogan glared at her, he said, "I'm listening."

"This ship explores the galaxy fighting the most dangerous creatures and assholes you could ever dream of. Join my crew, and you can be a part of that."

Across from her, he rolled his shoulders, which only made him look taller than before. "Tempting." Before Anya could mess up her "I'm definitely super tough" act, he leaned over a little and grimaced, touching his hand to his ridges. "My head hurts, though. Okeer tied so many things to it, it can be confusing... but I know I like to fight."

"Good." Exhaling, Shepard loosened up her posture. If he was going to break her teeth, he would've already done it. Instead of stressing out anymore, she asked, "Okeer give you a name?"

He laughed. "No."

"Figures." Anya crossed her arms. This guy said Okeer pumped a lot of information into him, but it was like he just created a highly precocious, people-murdering toddler. If there was one thing she was going to do differently than the overlord, it was to stop telling this krogan what he was going to be. She understood pressure, and "future of our people" was bullshit to put on someone who hadn't even opened their eyes yet. "Well, what would you like to be called?"

"Okeer called me perfect. Legacy? Hmm, no. There was another word though... Grunt. That should work. My name is Grunt."

Anya couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she liked that. Glancing her new crewmember up and down, she figured she'd have to put in some extra work to get him up to speed. But she was happy to help him reject "legacy" if that wasn't the kind of name he wanted. She extended her hand. "Well, welcome to the Normandy, Grunt."He blinked a few times before he seemed to process it as a handshake. He took her palm in his and only slightly crushed her fingertips; honestly, it was gentler than she expected. When she pulled back, she just had one more thing to ask, "Any questions?"

"My head's full of questions. Okeer didn't do the best job making all of his information coherent. I can remember war, violence, and loss like it happened to me firsthand, but I can't feel any of it."

If that was the first sentence out of Grunt's mouth about what was going on in his head, Okeer's "genetic imprinting" definitely did a number on him. She read up on it from Okeer's notes. He was trying to teach Grunt everything about the world before he was even "born". Ambitious, particularly since he had no proof if it worked.

Seemed like it did, but not completely. Anya offered, "Well, I'd be happy to help you sort through some of it. Maybe ask our scientist for any tips."

"Thank you." After a few seconds of staring down at her like she was some unreadable anomaly, Grunt added, "Okeer didn't put anything in the tank about humans being helpful. Useful, perhaps, but not helpful."

"I met the guy. I'd say teamwork or race relations weren't his specialty." Seeing Grunt leaning into the leg she didn't inject with drugs that could probably kill her, Shepard winced. "Speaking of, sorry about the injection, though."

"My leg still feels tingly. Like cold, but hot, too."

That didn't sound great. She might have to have Chakwas check that out if it persisted. "Again, very sorry." Just then, Grunt's stomach grumbled and Anya got a great idea. Wrex's perpetual laziness might come to use, after all. "To make it up to you, would you like some food after all that? I know how to make a couple of Krogan things because I had a friend who sometimes would only feed himself nutrients bars because he was impatient for things to cook. Learned a few things."

Even though he still looked a little hesitant, Grunt nodded. "I would... Like that."

Just then, the metal doors behind her slid open and in walked tall, broad-shouldered, and blue eyed. Anya would be surprised, but him barging in on her was sort of typical at this point. Instead, she just smirked at him. If she had to guess, she'd say he was either lost or commissioned by Joker to make sure she wasn't dead. ASince he never went down to engineering, that just left...

On cue, he said, "Joker told me you were doing something dumb in here." Crossing his arms, he gestured to Grunt. "I see you let out the Krogan all by yourself."

"Yep."

Garrus snorted in amusement and asked, like it was the obvious next question: "What'd you name him?"

Glaring, Anya corrected his false assumption that she was going around giving people titles. "He named himself Grunt."

Instead of sassing her like she expected, he glanced up at the comms like someone was listening. "Hey Joker, I won the bet. She adopted it."

"God dammit Shepard krogan aren't puppies."

Did these asshole seriously make a bet on what she was doing with their new crewmember? "And what did you bet, Joker?"

"That it would go all Cronenberg on you and we'd have to shoot up engineering before spacing it."

Anya took her time with a deep, long sigh. "He's a person with free will who isn't going to come up to the cockpit and give you rabies. But push your luck and I will encourage him to cage-fight _you_."

"You just like befriending the plated murder machines to threaten me, don't you?"

Next to her, Grunt growled, "I don't like the faceless voice."

"Don't worry, if the faceless voice ever gets the quads to come bother you, you can beat him up."

Grunt laughed, something primal in him amused and satisfied by the thought. Anya liked that. More people on her side, striking back against Joker's shitty jokes. "I like that."

Over the comms, Joker was not nearly as amused. "I do not."

"Well then maybe don't sicc Garrus on me because you don't trust me."

"Don't do that. I trust you, I just don't trust-" Anya was thankful he stopped talking, because she wasn't even Krogan and she was starting to get a bit offended. But luckily, her friend was smarter than that. "You know what? I'll shut up."

"Good." Looking back to Grunt, the guy (kid?) was stretching out all his muscles. She couldn't imagine how damn good that felt, after all that time trapped in that tank. She'd have to keep pressing him, figure out how much he did understand and what he didn't. However, she had another thing standing in the room that she needed to get out of the way, first. After a quick glance to the turian who wouldn't stop looking at her, Anya felt her cheeks start to go red and pulled all her hair to one side, saying, "Okay, Grunt, I'll be right back and I'll lead you to the mess hall. I just need a few minutes to talk to my turian friend here."

"Hmm. Okeer said turian tasted like chicken, whatever that is."

While Anya knew how to react to everything else Grunt had pulled out of his ass so far, she wasn't ready for that one. And neither was Garrus, from the wide-eyed look he was giving her. Waving at the krogan, she just settled for, "Lovely."

Once they were outside and the metal doors shut behind them, Shepard leaned against the bulkheads and took a good look at her turian. Where Joker sounded all ruffled and stressed, he was just standing there, tall as ever, his arms now by his sides. "As suspected, you're fine, so I didn't need to be down here."

Anya played with the ends of her hair, happy to take this quiet, alone moment to tease him a little. It was nice when it came naturally like friends, but they were a little bit more than that now, weren't they? "Coming all the way down to the engineering deck just to check up on me? I'm touched."

"Honestly, I was more concerned about the krogan." Snorting, Anya smiled up at him. The way he made her laugh, unexpected, always melted all the nerves twitching throughout her body. And just like he would, damn turian was smirking, though he did struggle to meet her eyes. "Don't look at me like that, It makes me feel gross and fuzzy."

Gesturing up to the ceiling, and generally where the comms came from, Anya changed tactics to spare him the embarrassment. But mostly only because she was pretty sure it would turn into her embarrassment if she tried to poke those "warm fuzzies" anymore. "So I gather Joker still is using the "date" thing against us."

"To give him credit, he had us figured out long before we did." Coughing, Garrus furrowed his brow and looked at her very seriously, like they were back at C-Sec days and she was a drunk he was telling to keep it together. He was trying to be a little more professional, but her stomach didn't get the memo because it was bouncing. He just looked so _adorable_. Garrus said, "But while I have you alone for a moment, and speaking of crew members..."

Okay, this conversation was something she wanted to talk about. Didn't need another Korlus. And no matter how red her cheeks got or how distracting his shoulders could be, she couldn't think of anyone better to sort this out with. He was still her best friend, too, right?

Anya crossed her hands behind her back and asked, "You mean the diner a few days ago? And the mission yesterday? I'm all ears. The rule books don't have protocol on how to have feelings for your turian best friend on a packed starship."

"Exactly. Not that I don't want to be known as the arm candy for the most important woman in the Galaxy, but I think we should agree that it's best to keep it to ourselves." Even though he was hesitant, Garrus copied her and took a couple strands of her long hair in his talons. Anya could barely breathe, watching him do it. He stepped closer and looked at her like nothing else existed around them. "And not just to keep the crew from getting distracted. Right now, I wanna figure this out with you. Only you."

While she could focus on what he just said and probably turn into a whole-ass lobster about it, she instead looked at her hands and tried to use her fingers to count off good ideas. Anya had to just spew words, because otherwise she'd get distracted. "What should we make our ground rules? No telling the crew if we go on dates? No touching in public? No staying the night at each other's quarters?"

"Those are good. I'll also try not to be so, uh, awkwardly attentive on missions." Garrus was scratching his neck, the way he did when he wasn't too proud of something he did. He probably didn't know how endearing she found it by now. She was pretty sure he looked like that right after quitting C-Sec and ending up on her ship. He chuckled. "Granted, half of that can be blamed on the whole "you died" thing, but still."

Anya kept on getting this annoying, infectious smile looking at him. He just looked so vulnerable and sweet, a stark contrast to the irritable bucket of snarky asshole he normally was. "Sounds like good protocol, Garrus. I think otherwise it's best just to figure it out as we go, but as long as we're on the same page, we should still be able to do this. I want to try this." She paused, then added, running a hand through her hair, "A-anyway, keeping it a secret's kinda hot."

In front of her, he looked like he was half-ready to choke. "I'm going to have to get used to you saying things like that."

"I hope you never do. Makes up for how much of a dick you are about my blushing. I enjoy watching you squirm. At least, now that I know you like it." Pushing off the wall, she wished she could keep on being weird and awkward and figuring things out with him. However, she promised a Krogan some dinner. "Now that we sorted that out, I'm going to go back to my new Krogan. Need to get him fed and make sure he knows all the other protocols on this ship before he throws somebody through a meat blender."

"Typical." Garrus grabbed her hand and looked down at her. A little alarmed, she was expecting something super serious to come out of his mouth. Anya felt a little unsettled; she prepped herself for anything. Or, at least tried to. "Have fun, Anya." She exhaled. Well, that was a little anticlimactic. "My mouth feels weird saying that, it'll take time to get used to your name, too."

That's when it clicked. He was trying to prepare himself for saying her name right this time.

Okay, that stupid butterfly house was losing its mind now, and Anya couldn't help but wonder how the same dick who gave her a time-out on his shoulder could be so insecure and cute.

With a smile, she said, "For the record, I liked it." Taking a deep breath, Anya tried to be lame and brave, too. She got up on the tips of her toes and pressed her lips to his cheek. "Enjoy calibrating!"

And she walked towards the door because her stupid red cheeks couldn't look at him.

"Don't break the engineering deck."

Without looking back, Anya waved and bit the inside of her cheeks, hoping her cheeks would calm down before she went back to Grunt. "No promises."

As the door shut behind her, she really didn't want to explain what red cheeks on humans meant. Of all things she wanted, having to explain the birds and bees to a Krogan was a nope.

Now, it was time to go back to being Commander Shepard.

She wouldn't be forgetting being Anya in the hallway with him anytime soon, though.

/

Author's note:

Yay! Grunt is one of my favorite things about ME2 so I'm hyped to have him join the crew.

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	26. Part 2- Chapter 10: Fuzzy Warriors

Everything chaotic in Shepard's life seemed to start and end in the damned decontamination room.

Miranda, Grunt, and Anya were suiting up in basic gear to head down to Illium. There, Miranda said she had a few contacts that would get them some leads on the Collectors and some useful resources. Instead of leaving Miranda on her own, Anya thought it best to come with.

Not because she didn't trust her; hell, if Miranda really wanted to be underhanded she could probably do it right in front of her face and Shepard wouldn't notice. It was more because she figured Miranda did enough on her own. While Shepard was the big fancy commander, Miranda was the one really running things, planning their routes, getting the right information and supplies. The least she could do was try to support her, make sure she knew that if she needed her, Shepard was already geared up and just a quick call away.

But just as she was locking her light plating into place, Miranda was giving her this nose-scrunched up, shoulders stiff, work of art kind of uncomfortable look. If she had to give Miranda anything, it was that she wasn't shy about voicing her complaints.

Gesturing to Grunt, Miranda asked, "I appreciate you seeing the value in accompanying me to a place like this, but... why did you bring our Krogran friend?"

Finishing up by pulling on her boots (which were still struggling to get worn in), Anya said, "He's never been on a space station before."

That answer didn't seem to satisfy the stern officer next to her. Her hands were still stuck on her hips. "He's never been _anywhere_ before."

"More reason to bring him everywhere." Anya hit the decontamination button and was ready to explore Illium.

The process was quick, but Miranda wasn't done questioning her. If it was anyone else, Shepard would've shot them down. But if she learned anything about Miranda, she rarely asked questions just to piss her off. They normally came from some serious, genuine concern, even if Barbie Tits didn't bother to be sensitive at all about it. "I'm getting the feeling you've bonded a little intensely to this krogan."

Grunt started talking before Anya could. With one step onto the pristine, metal platforms of Illium, he warmed her heart more than his simple statement probably should. "She feeds me and I follow her orders. That's the strongest bond I've ever known." Shepard gestured at him like it made her point.

Mirand seemed less than impressed and upgraded to the next level of "serious" posturing: crossed arms. "Again, he's about three days old, not a great metric."

Sighing, Anya touched Miranda's shoulder and gave her the same kind of harsh bluntness that she employed. She figured it was the best way to get her point across. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact I had a fractured, complex home life as a child so I latch onto people that make me feel wanted or needed, which could take years of counseling to unravel. Or we could just keep this simple and let me enjoy showing off Illium to the krogan."

"Fair enough." After Miranda unfurled her arms and all the stiffness that came with it, Anya breathed a little easier herself. Her life was easier when Miranda was on her side. And she hated to admit it, she was starting to enjoy the Cerberus liasion's company, so she preferred not to piss her off. "Now, I need to catch up with some contacts. Will you two be okay navigating the pavilion without me?"

"Miranda. I can take care of myself."

"I know that. This is about the fact that you haven't been here before and Illium can be just as seedy as Omega, just with a fancier polish to it."

Tossing in his own two cents, Grunt smiled wide and punched the palm of his own hand. "If anyone threatens her, I'll crush their skulls."

"Good attitude on defense, but crush a skull and I crush your snack budget. Just keep it professional and try not to kill people."

"I'm impressed you didn't add a "I know that's hard for you, but..."."

Rolling her eyes, Miranda grinned at her. "I'm not a bitch all the time."

Anya kinda liked having someone around who called her out on her shit. Cerberus may treat her like a hail mary wrapped in credits, but Miranda treated her like an asset. One might think that'd be degrading, but when most of the world treats you like a legend? Just being a normal, problematic asset was refreshing.

She conceded, saying, "Touche. My bad for the assumption. We'll come back in one piece."

"Good. Rendezvous back here in three hours." Grunt and Shepard waved Miranda off and she weaved throughout the crowds like she belonged there, a posh, sophisticated member of all their social rules and ideals.

Anya and Grunt, on the other hand, stuck out like diplomats on Omega.

When it was just the two of them, Shepard had planned to take him to a krogan restaurant, see a few shops, check out the views. But she quickly realized she underestimated the wide-eyed wonder of a krogan who'd never seen anywhere or anything first hand before.

He didn't do anything like a kid would, like it was all a magnificent wonderland. Most of the time, he walked normally. But anything that wasn't part of Okeer's imprinting always caught his eye and he'd start asking questions.

It was mostly manageable, but made Anya realize how little she knew about the world.

She only lost any semblance of control when they walked past an Illium pet shop.

Grunt saw the variety of different creatures and, other than doing this low, deeply unsettling growl at a pyjack, he stared at everything like it confused and fascinated him. While the store was filled with asari, turians, humans, Grunt was the only krogan in sight.

If Shepard didn't know what Miranda said about Illium, she;d be more amused by the bull in the antique shop, scaring all the locals with his wide eyes. But since she did know, she kept a wary hand on her pistol holster.

After a few minutes of staring and wandering, Grunt settled himself in front of a couple cages with various different fluffy hamsters. When Shepard stopped and stood next to him, that's when the questions started.

"What is this creature? What's its purpose?"

Anya cocked her head, looking at the tone right in front of Grunt. It had a mix of orange and white fur, its beady eyes staring back at them before running on the wheel. The others were all doing different things, napping, nibbling, the like, but they weren't doing too much, really. "That's a hamster. It's uh... It doesn't really have a purpose. To look cute?"

Grunt frowned. Guess her answer was unsatisfactory. "What do you mean? Does it distract enemies in battle? Will it destroy enemy technology? I know Varren are good in a fight."

She didn't mean to snort at his suggestions, but she did. The image of a battle hamster was too much. "No, people just kinda keep them in their homes, feed them, and enjoy looking at them."

"So it does nothing and gets rewarded?" Peering at her, Grunt only looked more bemused.

"I mean... Yeah, I guess." Gesturing at the orange fluffy one in the cage in front of him, they watched as the shopkeep, a Salarian, took it out to hand to a human. "It does make people smile. They like that."

"Hmm. This thing is smart, manipulating human emotions. I prefer a good fight, but if fighting becomes too easy... Making some idiot species take care of me sounds great, since I'll never find anything that can take me down." Then, Grunt looked her directly in her eyes with such seriousness that it made her jump a little. "I want one."

Shepard wasn't sure if this was the cutest or most terrifying moment of her life, watching a krogan get so intense about a hamster. But she settled for bubbling, uncontrollable laughter. Raising a finger at him, she glanced around the shop. "Sure, I guess, just give me a sec-"

Before she could take any control of the situation, there was a shriek next to her and she swiveled her head back. Apparently, Grunt thought it best to take the orange and white one out of the human's hand next to him and claim it as his own.

The human was getting indignant, and fast. "Hey, you can't just take-" Shepard could already see the Salarian shopkeep coming back to them in a hurry.

Her own cheeks flaring, she grabbed Grunt's elbow. Ten minutes in a store and everything was already batshit; _just another day in the life of Anya Shepard_... "Grunt, put that one down. We'll get one from the other cages, not out of people's hand."

Grunt shook his head and stroked the hamster in his hands with a surprising amount of gentle care. "But I've bonded with this one. I've seen its power in action and we understand each other. It's mine now."

Past Grunt, she could see the human throwing up his hands and the Salarian looking understandably uncomfortable about the whole thing. He winced and asked the human, "Would you mind...?"

"I mean, yeah, I do. I wanted that hamster." A little too fast for her to stop him, Grunt growled at the human. But in proper, human fashion apparently a krogan wasn't enough to scare him off a purpose. He stood his ground. "I-I have a right to buy whatever hamster I want, right?"

Just as things felt a little too intense for a conversation about hamsters in a pet shop, and Shepard was uncomfortably fingering her gun hoping she wouldn't have to use it, especially not on her own krogan if he went rogue, the Salarian flicked open his omni-tool.

With a simple step between them, he gave the most fabulous customer service smile she'd ever seen. Honestly, she was impressed. She could have used a power like that during her old chats with the Council.

Not the Illusive Man, though, asshole deserved every frown.

Clearing his throat, he said, "Another patron has exceeded the price point to ensure the hamster goes to this woman and her krogan. Let's find you a good substitute..."

And then the human was whisked away like nothing happened.

Anya turned around and glared around the store. While she appreciated the diffusal, she didn't need some Illium asshole assuming they just earned themselves a favor out of her. "Whoever just did that, I can take care of buying my krogan's first pet myself, thank you. I am a capable adult. You're just being an annoying asshole."

"Even if it's an old friend?" Walking around a shelf corner were deep blue eyes, beautiful freckles, and a sweet smile. Anya knew that face anywhere. While she still was a little annoyed, it all was overrun by the excitement of seeing someone she missed so much.

Taking a few quick bounds to reach her, Anya pulled Liara into her arms. "Dammit. You ruined my speech by being you." When she pulled back, she felt her heartstrings tug. There was a very faint scar below her chin, and she was wearing a long dress instead of her old research outfit, but here she was. Liara T'Soni in the flesh. "It's so fucking good to see you, Liara. How did you find me?"

"A troublemaking krogan with a beautiful soldier escort doesn't go unnoticed, especially when a popular pet shop suddenly clears out during its peak hours." Liara laughed, that pure, genuine way she always did. Hell, on a ship full of thieves and mercs and vigilantes, a frustratingly good person was a welcome sight. Even if she was getting more comfortable with the gray nowadays. Liara added, "I think it's more surprising when it's not hard to find you."

"Fair." Gesturing over to the krogan collecting hamster care items, Shepard tried not to laugh too much. Half the time, she didn't know what to make of him, but somehow he managed to be adorable, holding his hamster so soft. "This one's name is Grunt. He's a little new to... everything so I'm trying to be a good Commander."

As if on cue, he walked back over to them with the hamster back in its full cage and some supplies tossed over his shoulder. "I now have this tiny, fuzzy warrior so this is the best day of my life."

Anya could tell Liara was also trying hard not to laugh. "Really?"

"Yeah, during the other two, Shepard and the salarian stuck me with needles and did all these tests. Said it was for my health, but I'm perfect so it was a waste of time."

Slowly, Liara's head turned towards Shepard, at best bewildered. At worst, sincerely looking like she might've just lost her mind. "Did I hear something wrong, or did this fully-grown Krogan just say he's only been alive for three days?"

"It's a long story." Grabbing a couple things from Grunt to help him carry, and sending the appropriate credits for the gear to the shopkeep (and then some, for the trouble, Anya offered, "We were planning on getting lunch nearby. Wanna join?"

"Of course."

Walking the pavilion with Liara, it was like being transported back in time, to when she was a more idealistic Alliance soldier falling apart while trying to save the world. They did the normal song and dance; she told Liara she was with Cerberus, Liara told Shepard she was an information broker now. Even though she was enjoying every moment with Liara, it was like they were high school friends meeting up for a class reunion. That's how far away they felt.

And that was only made even wilder, considering for Anya it'd only been a month or so since she'd seen her.

Guess not everyone was going to feel like hers still, not like Garrus. Liara was still sweet and kind, but there was so much more lurking under the surface that Shepard didn't know how to address. It wasn't like she could just ask, after all this time.

But she could ask other things. "You've been keeping in touch with anyone? Tali? Kaidan?"

"Tali and I exchange messages every so often. But Kaidan and I... we had a falling out a long time ago."

Anya tried to reach for Liara's hand, remembering how red-faced and adorable Kaidan had been walking out of her room on that 4 am stroll. She wondered what happened, between that and now. "I'm sorry."

Then. Liara's face darkened and she shook her head. "I'm not." But before Anya could ask, she added, "And you?"

"I ran into Tali but had to part ways, and Joker and Chakwas are on my ship, but otherwise nothing. Well, except Garrus. He's been by my side almost from the beginning." Anya didn't mean to get so sentimental, and then was embarrassed by it, and then realized her cheeks were turning red all over again.

Christ, was she useless.

Liara just patted her hand, though. "I'm not surprised by that at all." Then she sighed. "I have to get back to work, but next time you're on Illium, come see me, okay?"

"I'd ask you to come with me, but I think I already know your answer." Liara looked guilty and fiddled with her dress, but she didn't correct her. It was okay. She didn't expect everyone to come running back to her, not the way she left them. And even though it hurt, it didn't make her care about her old team any less.

Anya pulled Liara back in for one more hug. No matter what was different or how she changed, Liara T'Soni would always be her awkward doctor who loved Protheans and she loved her, even if she wasn't in love with her. No matter how complicated things always were between them, and how much more tangled they were starting to feel, none of that changed for Anya. "Take care, Liara."

"You too, Shepard."

And then Anya and Grunt made their way back to the Normandy. When they got to the docking bay, Miranda was already there, her arms crossed. Her eyes were not looking too friendly. "You two are late."

"Got a hamster. Also ran into an old friend."

Rubbing her temple, Miranda gave a slow, pained laugh. "We can discuss the hamster later, who was the old friend?"

"Dr. Liara T'Soni. Works as an information broker now, somehow. A bit of a jump from researcher, but I jumped from dead to alive, so who am I to judge?"

Miranda laughed again, and Anya took personal pride in doing that one on purpose. It was nice to have Miranda think she was funny for her jokes sometimes instead of her ill-conceived life choices. But Shepard didn't expect what came out of Miranda's mouth next while they walked into decontamination. "Makes sense, since she went undercover in the business to find you."

"Pardon?"

With a pristine, curved eyebrow, Miranda shrugged. "Hmm. Seems the good doctor neglected to tell you that The Shadow Broker got your body first, planned to sell it off to the highest bidder. She's the reason we ended up getting to resurrect you, instead."

Anya grumbled. She _was_ just going to let Liara's secrets and changes slide, since she was the one who dipped out two years ago. They were her own to keep, right? But there was a pit growing in her stomach that said Liara's weird reaction about Kaidan had something to do with this whole story. "No, somehow Liara neglected to mention that."

"If you need to go talk to her-"

Shaking her head, Anya placed a hand on Miranda's shoulders. "No. I'll have that conversation with her later. Right now, let's get back on the Normandy, talk about your contacts, and get Grunt's hamster settled in."

"But she's your old team. I would've thought-"

Shepard didn't mean to keep cutting her off, but all she had to do was look between Grunt and his hamster and Miranda's tired face to know this was the right choice. Liara _wanted_ to stay distant and keep secrets, and they'd have to face that eventually to be friends again. But Miranda was here, working her ass off, and deserved credit for it. And at the very least she didn't deserve to be saddled with the hamster prep. "You just spent hours working your ass off to get this intel together. No matter how much that information about Liara bothers me, you're my team now. You take precedence."

Even though she furrowed her brows, Miranda's face eventually melted into this grateful smile. "Thanks. Shepard."

And it was worth it, that smile.

She left her team fractured last time and she hated that. Anya could still see the horrible effects whenever she found a new, lost member. Hell, sometimes she could still see the echoes of it on Garrus' face when he thought she wasn't looking. Joker and Chakwas, too, even. But this time around, she was determined to leave them better off, even if they lost her.

A great way to start was to make the two genetically perfect people feel appreciated and loved.

/

Author's Note:

I have been intending on giving Grunt a space hamster for WEEKS so I'm so excited to finally put it into action.

Also, considering how secretive post-Shepard death Liara is, I was happy to make her a little more guarded and secretive once the pair met again. While Anya loves her first crew, I think it's good for her to acknowledge she kept them at a distance, which made that emptiness after she left all the worse.

Anyway, I'll give an exciting tidbit for the next couple chapters: a first date is coming up!

Time for my awkward attempt to hype up the patron aspect of this all (Anya's awkwardness had to inspired from something). Patronage helps me spend more time on my writing and interactions with you guys, as well as get closer to my goal of making a super creative Twitch channel (gaming, write with me's, fun readings; I plan on making a big step in April). For the lowest tier ($1), you guys get access to my T-Day Blogs talking about my stories and ideas and future plans, access to a fandom-friendly discord, and vote on the monthly "beach episode" for Drunk Punch Love.

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Amy Connolly


	27. Part 2- Chapter 11: Errand Buddies

It was always a fun Wednesday night when Anya spent half of it feeling like an idiot in front of Kelly Chambers.

After her decision to choose her new team over her old one, Shepard had been trying her best to make everyone on the ship feel appreciated. And, unfortunately, that tended to involve a lot of planning and thinking.

She and Chambers had stayed up half the night trying to decide on tokens/activities that each person would appreciate. Most of them were fairly simple: Zaeed, an expensive gun upgrade. Chakwas, a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy that she mentioned once. For Jack, Shepard just planned on checking on her more often, since she'd probably see monetary gifts as a bribe. She was already set to spend some of the weekend with her. As far as Kasumi went, she was just as mysterious as she acted. However, after some prying and slightly illegal search invasions, she found out Kasumi wasn't a huge fan of lactose, so ordered a whole host of replacement foods for pick-up. Jacob's gluten free flour would show up with that, so they'd be able to make him a proper cake for his birthday in a few weeks. She also ordered Mordin some more scientific supplies and a few copies of Salarian films. And Grunt? Well, she already had him covered.

The hardest would be Miranda. Bonding activities would probably just annoy her and gifts weren't that interesting to the minimalist. But with all the Illium orders, there was something she could do.

Anya hated it, but it definitely would throw the Cerberus Liaison for a loop. The kind she liked.

Walking out of the elevator, she was lucky to catch Garrus already in the kitchen area, drinking some sort of hot beverage. With her own hair still sticking up in weird places, she threw a wild, pointed finger at him. "Vakarian. I have a job for you and me later."

"Vague threats in the morning, my favorite." Anya initially planned on walking straight into Miranda's office, looking like a whole mess, but she figured she could pep her step first. Especially since she could smell the remnants of Chakwas' morning pot of coffee.

"Mmmm shhh I'm on a mission." Pouring out a mugful of dark, caffeinated gold, Shepard could kinda forget how early it was. Coffee was definitely strong enough to erase the fact that she definitely didn't get the sleep she needed, right? It had to make up for that.

Next to her, Garrus chuckled and pulled out a tangle from her hair. "Not sure your fringe is mission-ready."

Gently, she pulled the few strands he detangled from his talons. "Bad turian. No touching. There are rules." But he wasn't wrong. She hadn't bothered to look at her hair, but she knew what it looked like in the morning. It was the one of the curses of having long hair. Putting down her coffee and pulling a hairbrush from a kitchen drawer (she hid them around the ship), she brushed out her hair and went back to huffing cocoa bean extract. "We made protocol for that, remember?"

"I mean, we're the only ones awake."

Taking another huge gulp of coffee, even though the drink was probably too hot for big gulps, Anya swallowed and said,"False. Miranda is already working in her office. Which is where I was headed."

"Okay, despite the anal-retentive workaholic, we're the only ones up."

"Also Chakwas definitely made this coffee."

Garrus looked ready to tape her mouth shut forever. He rolled his eyes with so much annoyance that she couldn't stop giggling. "Fine. I apologize." He leaned against the kitchen counter and asked, "Gonna tell me anything more about this mission you've tapped me for?"

"Nope! I need to go see Miranda. Bye!"

And watching him furrow his browline with even more annoyance than before, while she skipped off, was so worth it.

Strolling into Miranda's office, Anya could barely get the wild smirk off her face. Most times, she'd rub her cheeks or give herself a slap, trying to be more serious. But honestly, the smirk was applicable to the Miranda situation anyway, so she went in, smile blazing.

When the door opened, Miranda barely even looked up. Her fingers were already tapping away at something and her blue eyes were fiercely focused in on the screen before her. "Need anything, Shepard?"

With that smirk on her face only growing, she snapped up at the ceiling. "EDI, execute plan "Barbie Tits Takes a Vacation"."

She could see Miranda's screen lock out, much to the horror of the officer typing away. Miss Lawson's head snapped up to frown at her. "What the hell?"

Resting her hands in her pockets, Anya tried not to smile too wide. She figured Miranda wouldn't appreciate her max level grinning. She told the ever-busy woman, "You're taking the day off."

Miranda's eyebrows only seemed to turn into angrier black caterpillars on her forehead. At least, that imagery made it easier to keep smirking instead of feeling the effects of her seething annoyance. Boy, was she annoying a lot of people today with her good intentions..."What?"

"Yep. EDI is officially blocking you from all professional channels and I am covering all your Illium pick ups today."

"Absolutely not-"

Anya sighed and got a little more serious. She even pulled her hands out of her sweats pockets. "Miranda, you've been working non-stop. Take a break. Read a book. If you feel like you need to work on something, talk to Jacob about your issues, or spend time with the crew to know them better, or learn a new skill." She paused to gauge Miranda's reaction, but the more she heard, the softer Miranda's pissed off crossed arms got. That was good. Taking quite a bold move, she stepped closer to Miranda and unfurled her arms herself. "Point is I appreciate everything you do so stop working for 24 hours, dammit!"

When Shepard stepped back, Miranda shook her head, but laughed. "It's a bizarre ship when your supportive screaming starts to become endearing "

"You're damn straight. Now, give me the list and I'll go be the liaison today."

Anya didn't expect it, but Miranda didn't argue with her at all. She honestly expected so much more resistance, but a weight seemed to have fallen off her shoulders. Miranda even pulled a datapad out and started showing her this long, mega-list of objectives and goals. There were at least seven requisition pick-ups and three different meetings about trading information or resources. It only took about three seconds for Anya to feel a little overwhelmed by it all.

If Kelly made her feel like an idiot, Miranda made her feel like she was a lesser species.

But she kept up the best she could and took the datapad. She had to be able to figure it out. And at the very least, she wasn't going to have to figure it out alone.

After Miranda gave her as many pointers as she could (spending a whole half hour, almost, getting schooled in her office) she sent Anya off. Then, Shep's first goal was to pick up her partner in crime for some support. She slid across the kitchen counter (she'd have to wash that later) and walked over to the main battery.

Opening the unlocked doors, Garrus was sitting there, re-calibrating his sniper rifle. Anya was a little embarrassed by how worked up the sight made her. He was just sitting there, visor up, looking so serious and focused. How could her heart not fall out of her chest?

But the second she walked in, he dropped everything he was doing and looked up at her. That only made the blush trying to reach her cheeks all the worse. She was seriously trying to kill that thing, though. It was fucking embarrassing.

Instead, she took a deep breath and leaned against the wall next to him. Crossed arms, smirk, all the other 'definitely-casual posture' works. "So about that job."

His throat hummed in response and she nearly threw herself out the room. But he didn't even react. _He was clueless about his whole sexy voice thing, wasn't he? _She definitely didn't need to be the one to tell him. "Was wondering when that crypticism would get cleared up."

Another deep breath, trying to cool her annoying, useless insides. "You, me, and a ton of supply pickups on Illium."

He stood up and she suddenly felt very, very small. Especially since he decided that being only about an inch or two from her was totally normal. Keeping that small distance, he leaned right next to her and stared down. That stupid smirk stood up with him, too. "Is that supposed to be a pick up line? Because if so, I'm not all that impressed."

Snorting, Anya looked down at her toes. His blue eyes were a little too intense, and she didn't need to totally get distracted. "Not about you today."

"That's boring. Not even an ill-conceived snipe-off where I get to kick your ass again? Or maybe somewhere classier to get shot up in, like some rich guy's expensive water garden?"

Anya pulled out her datapad to show him the schedule, but she did let out a laugh she couldn't stop. "Hilarious. No, we're doing logistical grunt work, tagging resources and sending them to the Normandy." She turned around to show him a few of the jobs they had to do. At first, Anya thought that was an easy, smart way to share info. But as he started peering over her shoulder, breathing on her neck, maybe that wasn't her best idea.

The second she was done scrolling, she put the datapad away and walked a few paces away from him, desperate for air.

"Okay, looks busy. But why do I have to come?"

With a shrug, Anya said, "Because I don't want to do it alone and you won't say no?"

Garrus didn't seem nearly as amused. He pushed off the wall and came closer again. She was going to have to throttle him about giving her personal space. Not because she didn't like it, but she needed to stay sane while trying to talk to him about non-"them" things. But he just got that stubborn smile going and said, "I would definitely say no."

"Don't make me pull rank on you."

"Fine. But only because you're annoying when you pull rank."

He was another step closer again, and her head was swimming in memories of his talons on her hips. "If I remember correctly, I pulled rank when I got you to dance with me."

Garrus growled and her breath hitched. Fucking christ, she needed an adult chaperone around this asshole. Luckily, he didn't seem to notice. "That is a pleasant exception. Not wandering around Illium going shopping for Palladium."

"You'll love it." She gave him her best, encouraging smile, but he didn't seem convinced. His arms stayed tersely crossed.

"You've said that before, and it normally ends up with us getting grenades thrown at our faces."

Anya remembered that time, when she took their first team out for some old human sport (tag, was it?) and some merc team showed up out of nowhere, throwing a battalion of grenades at their location. Luckily, Kaidan, Liara, and Wrex did one of the most impressive biotic repels she'd ever seen and the grenades were flung back in their faces. Maybe she was a sick person for finding that a great memory. Stifling some giggles, Aya said, "Trust me, it won't be nearly as exciting, so don't go into this thinking it will be any fun."

His frown only got deeper. "That doesn't line up with that "You"ll love it" thing."

Groaning, Anya was tired of the song and dance. She normally loved her verbal spars of snark with Garrus, but they had a lot to do and she couldn't spend all her time in her arguing with him. Especially when the damned turian kept inching closer and making her the most unfocused commander to ever live. She patted his shoulder and asked, "Just do this for me, please?"

He took her hand from his shoulder and removed it, but not before giving it a gentle squeeze. "You already know I'm going. I'm just going to complain about it along the way."

"I can accept that." Good. Finally, he stepped back, and they focused on the mission instead of each other. That would make her day easier. For Illium, she needed her best friend. She could think about his eyes too much later.

Over the next fifteen minutes, she and Garrus suited up in light gear and headed out onto Illium, giving the rest of the crew the day to themselves. Whether that meant training, relaxation, whatever, she didn't care. She just had to focus on doing this one thing for her very difficult to please Cerberus Liaison.

It only took five minutes into her first meeting on Illium to realize they were in for a worse day than she expected. After all, the Vorcha they were dealing with kept trying to haggle them and, of all damn things, she didn't know how to deal with that. The meeting took a whole 45 minutes instead of Miranda's expected 20. They were swiftly, and frighteningly, behind. And that was even before dealing with anyone that Miranda flagged as "difficult".

If she wasn't following Miranda's tight schedule, Anya probably would have spread all these errands and meetings over two days. But Miranda was an overachiever, so it was jam-packed into some sort of insane, tireless marathon. As an average-as-hell organizer, she was overwhelmed, so she appreciated Garrus' help even more now. They even split a few pick-ups to preserve their sanity.

She could call Miranda out for being out of her mind with this schedule, but she figured this was what it was like to run into a perfectionist in her element. She remembered the old, odd reports that critiqued her mission leader capabilities.

Now she understood why every once in awhile she'd meet a soldier that wanted to kill her after trying to keep up with her infiltrator antics for hours.

By the time they were finishing up their final stop, getting the new food stocks sent to the ship for Rupert, Kasumi, and Jacob, Anya was staring straight ahead like someone stuck a drill bit in her ear and went to town. She didn't even realize, until they were stopped somewhere she didn't recognize, that Garrus hadn't been leading her back to the ship.

Coughing, he gestured to the entrance they were next to. "It's a bar."

Anya blinked. Garrus had this very nervous look to him and he was fiddling with his sidearm. While she did catch onto the fact the energy between them had shifted, her drill brain wasn't catching up. "What?"

"It's been a long day. So how about that drink?"

/

/

And so begins the "first date arc" as I call it, because I have no self control! Also, fanfiction has finally caught up to the main story, so I will now post only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays here; but still 3 times a week!

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	28. Part 2- Chapter 12: Vodka for Two

Anya felt every muscle in her body seize up, so much so that her hands didn't feel like hers anymore. Her brain had been so swelled with busywork and getting everything done that all it took were those three words and it popped. She wasn't even sure if she could get a sentence out, no matter how handsome and nervous he looked.

Scratching the back of his neck, Garrus said, "It's okay if you don't want to-"

That was enough to make her resurface. She grabbed his hand and shook her head, hoping it conveyed all the more complicated things her mouth was too numb to say. "No. I want to."

"Right. Good."

He let go of her hand and gestured for her to walk in front of him. Anya didn't really want to, because she was an embarrassing bundle of nerves who didn't need to think about if maybe he was staring at her ass or not, and how not knowing would kill her, but she didn't have enough courage to figure it out.

Instead, she walked up to the bar where a pale drell was serving drinks. Taking a stool, Garrus sat right next to her. She did note that he sat his chair a few inches closer than he ever would have before. With a swallow, Anya tried to not be a complete blushing idiot so fast. She was slowly getting better, but one stray thigh brush and she wasn't sure how helpless she might end up.

Her throat was dry and her eyes flicked over to Garrus. "Don't you dare let me drink too much again."

"Oh don't worry, I remember Noveria. I won't."

Garrus smiled at her and she took a deeper breath. This would be okay. This was just Garrus, right? She raised her hand and waited to get the bartender's attention. It only took a few seconds before he put down the glass he was polishing and gave them a classic customer service smile. "What can I do you for-" Then he stopped dead, when his eyes met Garrus'. Anya knew that look, from her minimal exposure to drell as a teen. This was a memory. "Burning blue eyes, growling but refusing to look directly at me; instead he's looking past me, like he's seeing a ghost that won't stop screaming. His face plates grind against each other like he'd wished they'd fall away. He says, "ryncol", like the word will douse his fire. I give him one, he sits at a table, alone, and when it's empty and he leaves the table, his eyes only burning brighter." The Drell blinked back and grimaced, "Sorry. Been awhile since my Citadel days. Nice to see you again. Still downing the Krogan motor oil?"

When Anya looked to Garrus for an answer, his jaw was wired shut, his mandible twitching a little. She would ask about all that later, because she figured it had a story involved. Maybe some bad C-Sec case. Instead, she just took the lead.

Giving the Drell her own best fake smile, she said, "Just two dextro/levo friendly vodka tonics, okay?"

"Easy enough for me."

Anya waited until he walked far enough away to turn to Garrus. "Bad case or something?"

Garrus was looking at his fisted talons like he wouldn't meet her eyes, that he'd push her away. But then he flexed them open and turned his face towards her. "It was you. Your funeral."

"Oh." Placing her hand on his, she added, "Do you need to talk about it?"

"Not really, dude said it all." Garrus shook his head, staring down at her hand now on his. He turned his talons, intertwined them with hers. The way his rougher skin felt against hers didn't feel right in a texture sense, but it did feel right when it came to comforting him. "For a little while, drinking was me trying to drown you out, but I think it only made letting go of you harder. Maybe that's why I kept doing it."

The drell dropped off their drinks, but seemed to have realized the error of his memory-sharing, scuttling off as quickly as he came.

Anya didn't know what to do with what he said, especially since he didn't look like he wanted to talk about it. So, she did her awkward thing, because awkward random thoughts were better than crippling silence. Thumbing her glass with her free hand, she said, "Did you know I swore off booze because of you? I was so afraid I'd be an awkward loser again."

"Funny, since I promised myself to never offer you alcohol again. But here we are. You seem to get my morals and convictions all murky."

Looking down at their hands twined between them, and then tracing his elbow and triceps all the way to his face, Anya sighed and tapped her index finger on his knuckle. It was something. But she just wanted him to know she didn't want to make a mess out of him; she just wanted _him_. "Things don't have to be heavy and murky. We can just take it one day at a time. See what happens, you know? We do have a mythical species kidnapping people and a whole ship to keep in order, too. We don't have to make some big deal out of this."

Garrus chuckled, low, like it was rumbling straight from the lowest part of his gut. "We have survived Saren, Sovereign, and The Collectors so far. What's taking out the most famous woman in the galaxy?" Garrus almost choked on his laugh. "Maybe the difference is that I'm good in a fight. I'm not good at this."

Squeezing his hand, Anya leaned on her other wrist. The air between them was lightening, and she could feel all the playfulness and snark coming back. With him, that felt really good. "Didn't leave a string of heartbroken women across the galaxy?"

"I wouldn't exactly call myself a ladies man. You?"

"A ladies man? I think I'd be great at it." She took a sip of her drink, keeping an eye on Garrus' face, waiting for every little twitch of a reaction. Anya always paid attention to him, but something about this bar, about being alone, about the fact they _meant_ this in an intimate way, made her want to catch every second of his face.

"T'Soni definitely wished you were one." While she kept track of his face, clearly she had no control over his mouth. She nearly spit out her drink and had to disentangle their hands to clean up the dribble on her lips. _Oh god, five minutes into their first date and she tried to look cool but instead she was an idiot._ Garrus just cackled at her. "Oh, sore spot? Makes sense, considering you plotted your routes around the ship to avoid her."

Anya could feel her hopeless cheeks getting red again. "I did not-"

"Please. I know where you learned that tactical cloak trick, taking its signature off the sensors. The poor Asari was desperate for your attention and you acted like her starry eyes were a plague. It was amusing, honestly. Was she really so scary?"

Fidgeting in her seat, Anya ran a hand through her hair. She really wished she'd tried harder to make it look nicer before this, because she could already tell it was full of tangles. "She liked to talk about me. A lot. So did can only tell your life story so many times before it's exhausting."

"Wild, your friends wanted to know more about you." He paused, then added, "You talked about yourself with me."

"You were easy. We talked about everything else, too."

Garrus smiled, but also was just staring down into his drink, swirling a talon around the rim of the glass. "Why was I different, though? I think I looked at you like a damned hero just like anyone else."

"Maybe you did, but you didn't put any expectations on me. Ashley and Alenko knew me as this Alliance superhero and assumed I'd get dreamier with every mission. Liara expected me to be the key to the universe. Hell, even Tali thought I'd help change the future of the Flotilla. The only other person that never did that to me was Wrex, and he wasn't nearly as handsome as you. Or talkative."

Garrus didn't seem satisfied with that answer, and she watched him swallow a large gulp of his drink before he got to talking again. She could tell the bartender already got him all rattled, and now his head was whirring back and forth between her and all the things that made him feel unsure of himself. She wished she could help keep his brain still. She wished she could keep it _here_, with her.

He said, "I did expect you to be everything everyone said. I just didn't talk about it because I didn't want you to be overwhelmed. Between my own experiences with stupid expectations and what everyone else was throwing at you, I figured I could keep it to myself."

"And that alone makes you different." Anya smiled and bumped his shoulder with hers. She hoped it reminded him she was by his side, here at this bar and everywhere else, too. "You're also the first person to ever beat me in target practice. That was pretty hot."

Then he smirked, and she knew she hooked him back in, at least a little bit. His blue eyes met hers and he asked, "So handsome and hot, eh?"

"Don't get a big head about it."

"Hard not to, with the great Anya Shepard complimenting my shooting skills." As she swallowed, she was losing momentum. It was hard to oscillate between fluffy flirting and sarcasm and the serious conversations they used to have. It was like they were trying to find where they belonged in between them, and they couldn't figure it out.

Garrus broke the silence, though. "So what do normal people do on first dates?"

"I dunno. Ask questions, talk about their interests, accidentally end up comparing traumatic childhoods until someone goes home crying."

Snorting, he said, "Okay, well I'm bad at questions and I know your interests, so what can you tell me about that traumatic childhood?"

Anya rolled her eyes, but figured it was fair enough a question. She'd shared anecdotes with him before, but never gave the full summary. Sitting up straight, she kept her hands free for gesturing. It was like she was giving a bar-side powerpoint presentation on her boring life; that made her giggle a little. "As you know, I grew up on a spaceship with a distant, very Russian mother. I've never really felt at home anywhere else but on a military vessel. I guess for trauma my dad died when I was an infant and my mom preferred passing me off to crewmates than caring for me herself. I was really the Marakov's kid, not hers. But the trauma was low, relatively, since there were no other kids to bully me or over-involved parents around to ruin my life. That didn't ramp up until I was strong-armed into becoming a soldier. Then I got to be a homeless, emotionally distant adult with a "I get my loved ones killed" complex." She flashed an overly bright, wide smile at him, and Garrus was already grimacing. Fair; it all didn't sound the best on paper. Bt hell, if he was going to ask that, he better reciprocate. "You got anything?"

"My father's a lot like your mother, as you already know. But my mom was a lot more patient with my rebellious bullshit. She made my childhood enjoyable, even if the daddy issues just kinda festered. He once grounded me for a month because I preferred to practice with my sniper instead of all subsets of gun. I was 12. But Solana was a really good sister and that filled in a lot of the spaces. " Garrus ended his little monologue, one that seemed to have a lot of holes in it, with a very deliberate peer at her face. "You did forget to mention Crackers, though, so I call bullshit on you telling me all your trauma."

Picturing an orange tabby with a huge heart who watched movies with her when her mom was away, Anya gasped. "Nothing about Crackers was traumatic! He was a perfect gentleman cat. And we said _childhoods_, Garrus. Crackers didn't die until I was 21."

"My bad, I don't keep a perfect record of your dead cat." He leaned into the bar before adding, "Speaking of pets, I can't believe you bought the krogan a hamster. His meaty claws are going to pop its eyeballs out. What were you thinking?"

Anya pouted, remembering the way he stroked its fur when they first picked him up. Grunt wouldn't stop smiling that day. That warmed her heart up the nice way, no red cheeks involved. "He's actually really gentle with it, thank you! And his name is Odin. I accidentally got Grunt into human mythologies. He was torn between several gods of war, but Odin was his favorite." Shaking her head, she was hoping Grunt was having a good day without her checking in on him. Now that she thought about it, it was his first day without her guiding him around. As long as no one ended up dead or in danger, she'd call it a win. But in all honesty, he probably was just spending time with the hamster or shooting guns. She found herself smiling, so much she couldn't stop. "Grunt's sweet and curious, under all the talk of bathing his hands in blood or whatever."

"Only you would find that endearing."

"In a world of people with a million hang ups about everything, his lack of filter is refreshing." But then she grimaced, because there was one, Salarian-based thing that was less pleasant, "I did have to give him tips on not saying threatening, race-based things about Mordin, though."

Garrus laughed at her, but when he was done, all that was left was this oddly proud looking smile. "You're good with him, you know."

"I'll gladly take that compliment." Stretching her shoulders and glancing around the bar, she knew she couldn't walk up to anyone and talk with them like she did with him. Sure, part of it was the trust and relationship part. But it also was just because he was, well... Garrus. "I know I'm not the greatest with people, but I'm trying to be better. Give them more than just surface level shit."

"Ahhh. So that's what this errand day was about." Anya bit the inside of her cheek, not exactly prepared for the heckling. But to her surprise, he didn't. "Can't complain, really. Let me get you alone."

And then he took her hand and twined it with his, again. This time, the texture didn't feel so alien. It just felt like Garrus.

She stared at their hands and couldn't stop being astounded by them. "I think it still blows my mind a little, thinking you feel that way about me. It's hard to believe."

"Hard to believe I'd catch feelings for the woman I respect most in the Galaxy, who can outshoot me most days and can tolerate my bullshit every day? Give yourself more credit, Anya. There were several fools pining after you on the first Normandy. That has to prove something."

While he wasn't wrong, his talon tracing the edge of her thumb was too special to throw him into the pile of "pining fools". Anya shook her head, saying, "You're different though. You're the only one who knew the real person, behind the hero." When her cheeks got red again, she was ready to shove her face in a blast freezer. She grumbled, taking away both hands to try to rub the blush away. "This is supposed to be a cute first date, not me getting all embarrassing again."

"I don't care what you're feeling, red-cheeked or whatever, as long as you're being real with me."

Anya turned her head towards him, way too sweet and kind of terribly cheesy for his own good, and smiled. Another great thing for first dates was confessions about feelings, right? Well, whether it was right or not, she went for it. "Did you know I kinda thought you were hot the second I met you?"

Garrus cocked his head to the side. "Oh really now?"

"Yeah. You were being super dramatic and angry, but your shoulders were pushed back and you were fighting for something you believed in. I wondered if I'd run into you somewhere else on the Citadel, and if I did, I promised myself that I'd talk to you next time." She snorted. "Never thought it'd be in a medic firefight, or that you'd end up on my ship or become my best friend. Kinda complicated the crush."

"I wish my memory of that was romantic. I just remember thinking that my boss was an asshole, and this small human kinda acted like an asshole, too. But she kept on showing up when I needed someone and she believed me. That's all I needed." Garrus took her hand back, this time with a lot more confidence. She was impressed, considering her idiot ass kept on taking it away in embarrassment. Granted, it never was out of embarrassment for him. Just herself and her stupid blushing. But Garrus had more to say, adding, "The rest came later, probably after too many movies nights cuddled up on that shitty couch and too many opportunities to evaluate just how good the "sweats and a tank" style looked on you."

Anya tried to stifle her laughter. "I'm _real_ fashionable "

"Don't quit something that works." He used his free hand to gesture to their nearly full drinks. "Funny, I take you out for a drink and we've barely drunk anything. We can't do anything right."

Shrugging, Anya said, "Well, I don't have to be drunk anymore to let myself feel the way I do around you. Though I am bitter that we never got to drink that real Russian Vodka in my quarters."

"Me too." Garrus sucked in a breath before saying, his face all serious again, "I never should've tried to leave you."

She placed another hand over his, and she felt so damn cheesy saying it, but replied,"I should've asked you to stay."

That air between them was starting to get so heavy, and she didn't know how both their hands got twined, or how their faces got close, especially when he was a good half-foot taller than her, at least. She didn't feel sure of herself, and he didn't look it, either, but it was so nice to not be panicking about if she was making him feel awkward anymore.

They were awkward, sure, but it wasn't because this was a bad thing. Whatever was happening between them, complicated and a little overwhelming at times, was good.

His voice low again, Garrus said, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." The seriousness of his own voice seemed to catch him by surprise, and he added, a lot more wobbly, "And I mean, the Normandy and Saren I guess,too, in a twisted sort of way..."

Anya threw him a lifeline. "Garrus?"

"Yeah?"

Feeling a little confident for once, she scanned every inch of his face, every marking and scar and all the memories behind them, before asking, "How about maybe we try a date thing that doesn't involve tripping over ourselves talking?"

He blinked and shook his head, confused. "Like what, weird eye contact? A game of pool?" She bit her lip and his eyes followed. She didn't think turians blushed, but from the way his spine straightened and his breath got uneven, she'd guess she just got as close as she ever would. "Oh. You mean-" Nodding, Garrus gave this small smile, the kind that could vanish like dandelion wisp, gone in a single gust. But he was smiling at her, and that mattered.

He said, "Yeah. I'd like that."

"Okay then." Even though her heart was racing faster than any combat scenario, she leaned in closer and started to close her eyes. This wasn't the first time she thought this might happen, but it was real. There wasn't any confusion, just her and him, two normal adults on a date because they couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

Just as his mouth should've pressed hers, instead his elbow knocked into her face. Her septum erupted with pain, and some blood, too. "Ow?!" Opening her eyes, Garrus was standing up and staring at some woman running through the bar. She had tanned skin and this playful smile, running around the corner. A few gun-clad, suited Salarians ran through the bar in her direction.

"She's in trouble."

Anya glared up at Garrus. "My face is in trouble!"

He looked confused, but then his eyes flicked to her bleeding nose and widened. "Shit! I'm sorry." Grabbing a few bar napkins, he handed them over.

"So what the hell?"

"I know her. She helped out my team on Omega, once. And if she's here, that means somebody else needs help." Garrus grimaced. "I feel like a dick but-"

"Raincheck on the kiss, I got it." Dabbing her nose a couple more times, she stood up straight and unholstered her gun. Whatever the hell was going on, she had his back. "Back to being heroes?"

He smiled at her like she just said the most romantic thing he'd ever heard. "Always."

/

This date was a blast to write! These goons are slowly getting less awkward around each other, but like on Tumblr, I promised the first kiss would be awkward...

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! Now, to the obligatory sales pitch.

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	29. Part 2- Chapter 13: Death by Freckles

As much as she loved breathing heavy with Garrus, running across Illium, chasing down bad guys, Anya didn't love doing it while confused. She followed him and this running woman because she trusted him, but she still felt like her date got blown up in some bizarre, insane way and part of her wanted answers. She asked, "Fill me in a little while we hunt down this Omega contact of yours?"

Garrus nodded, jogging beside her while too many distressed Illium civilians marked their path. "Her name was Sam, I think. Has some sort of teleporting technology. She gave us a detonator we left behind and disappeared. My life's never exactly normal, but let's just say it was memorably weird."

Anya couldn't really argue with that. "So, we help her out and then ask her what the hell her deal is?"

"Sounds good to me."

She had to admit, she really appreciated botching her first date with someone who didn't care that she had her pistol on her at all times. Granted, though, she wouldn't be that into dating someone who did mind.

They followed the trail of confused bystanders for a little while longer, but when they finally tracked down the clues to an alleyway in the back parts of Illium, it wasn't what they expected. Inexplicably, Shepard didn't remember it existing on the map Miranda showed her this morning. Guess Miranda wasn't kidding about Illium being shady.

But the really unexpected part was the Asari with pretty freckles getting shot at by said Salarians. And, seemingly per usual, the teleporting girl they'd been chasing down was completely AWOL.

Anya was a little too stunned to think straight. She just asked, agape, "Liara?!"

Like a homing missile, Liara's head swiveled to look at her. Her own forehead wrinkled. "Shepard?" She was holed up behind a few crates, on the left side of the room, while the Salarians shot from the other.

While one their way to join Liara in cover, Anya kept trying to scan the room for their mystery lead, but she was nowhere to be seen. Taking a look at Garrus, she said, "This Sam person isn't here again, is she?"

He shrugged, but his eyes weren't nearly as wide as hers. "Nope."

"I don't even know her, but that sounds typical." Just then, a bullet whirred by her face. They were still a few feet away from Liara, but they admittedly had been taking their sweet time about it. Anya grimaced. Guess she'd just have to roll with today instead of asking too many questions. Well, except a final one to Garrus, "Time to get our asses behind cover?"

He snorted and said,"Definitely."

They both did a quick roll over to the crates where Liara was hiding herself. Sidling up next to the asari, Liara biotically threw a barrel at a Salarian before asking, "How did you find me?"

Anya thought about answering, but between disappearing women and the fact she and Garrus were coming from a date, her own head hurt trying to detangle it all. With a sigh, she shook her head and said, "Way too long of a story." But then she placed a hand on Liara's shoulder, the muscles under her skin so tense that it felt like Anya touched a statue. Her hand gave a little squeeze. "Happy to find you and help out."

Liara didn't look too happy about it, though, and rolled Anya's hand off her shoulder. She took a second to shoot at the Salarians again and then furrowed her brow at Shepard... As if Shepard was the one in any sort of wrong here. Honestly, it made Anya clench her fists a little. "I didn't think you'd be back on Illium.'

Ignoring Liara being sort of stand-offish, she peered over the crates to take her own shot. Unfortunately, they seemed to have some serious personal shielding. "Had some errands to run." Just then, Anya realized they hadn't talked a single bit about what was currently happening, and that was certainly not okay. Pulling Liara a bit away from her shooting spot, Anya glared. She hated when Liara did this, took control of a conversation and diverted it where she wanted. It always made her feel like a rat being led through a maze. "Wait a second, don't make this about me! What are you doing, getting shot up by Salarians?"

Liara swallowed, but seemed to accept that telling Anya was better than keeping secrets. Which was good, considering Anya was ready to clock the asari herself if she played games with her. Her head felt like an overworked battery, trying to connect the sweet scientist with the darker, more complex information broker in front of her.

Those blue eyes just trained on the Salarians, shooting while talking. "Some bitter ex-clients. I sold them information on a space freighter shipment of element zero, but I failed to mention that it wasn't run by civilians. It was Blood Pack. I assumed they would both knock each other out of the game, but it seems these two survived and aren't happy about the casualties."

"That is frighteningly devious." Anya wasn't even using her pistol anymore; the Salarians had strong shields but weren't great shots. Instead, she just kept scanning Liara's face, like she could pinpoint exactly where the person she used to know went, which freckle or dimple she might be hiding in.

She found nothing.

Taking a deep breath, Anya said, "That doesn't seem like you."

"Well, it is now."

On the other side of Anya, Garrus chuckled, but it was low and bitter. "Good to know I wasn't the only one murdering people after Shepard died." This time, both she and Liara looked at him. Anya even felt her brows squish together. While she normally appreciated his humor, this time... When Garrus caught their glares, he shrugged and popped off another shot. "I'm not kidding, it's kinda comforting."

Old Liara would've felt awkward about it, but new Liara just turned her eyes back to the fight and ignored him. This wasn't the same person anymore that covered for her stupidly blushing on a barstool. Instead, she seemed far more likely to bury a body for her, particularly without anyone asking her to.

Frowning at the Salarians across from them, Liara used her biotics to pull one from his cover and she shot him through the center of his skull. "This isn't what I normally do. I just also found information on some shady dealings of theirs I didn't like and thought it better to get rid of them."

"Not that I'm promoting vigilante-ism at this point, but wouldn't shooting be easier?"

Liara shook her head, aiming at the final Salarian left. He looked more unhinged and upset than ever. Shepard was honestly starting to feel bad. How many more of them were there, before Liara sent them on a suicide mission? "It's more karmically satisfying if they get themselves killed chasing their own greed."

On her side, Garrus filled the space that Shepard didn't. She couldn't, not when she was still processing that her first date turned into a mission to save her once close friend who now sort of sounded like a cold, calculating mob boss. "I'm not sure whether I like this side of you or feel like I should start sleeping with my sniper rifle."

Anya snorted, like Garrus just popped all the tension in her lungs by making her laugh. It felt good, in this bizarre shoot-out. "You already do that."

"Does he really?"Turning her face with this amused, curious smile, Liara actually looked like herself for once.

That only made Shepard slip up. "Yeah, it's adorable." Before her brain processed her blunder, her body already did and started blushing. They weren't on barstools at a Citadel club, watching their crewmates be lovable, drunk idiots anymore. It wasn't the time. She coughed and amended, "In a totally platonic way."

"Mhm. Sure." Liara tried to throw another biotic pull across the way, but the Salarian hid before it hit him. Even though she looked annoyed, she took the time to add,"You both were terrible at hiding it on the Normandy, why would you be any better now?"

"We weren't together back then!"

Liara tossed a wink her way, but it didn't feel flirty or friendly. She asked, "Oh? Implying you are together now?"

Okay, now she was truly going to toss herself out the airlock when they got back to the ship. And to think, she was trying to keep it from a whole team and fucked up the second someone started questioning her.

Out of Liara's line of sight, Garrus patted her hand and said, "Anya, maybe you should stop talking and get back to the shooting part." While she was still a scrambled idiot, the morale support helped.

Liara ruined it, though. "And he's even calling you Anya."

Seemed the entire conversation was just all about her and Garrus crashing and burning when it came to keeping their feelings private. They'd have to work on that. But she also noticed that, yet a-fucking-gain, they weren't talking about Liara being in this room, getting shot at. "Okay, stop deflecting to my terrible tact. We still need to talk about you and what you're doing, okay? So just-"

Just then, the Salarian stood up and yelled, "You took everything from me! Your soldier friends won't be able to save you, not against a man who has nothing to lose." In his hand, he pulled some sort of grenade and tossed it their way. Before any of them could react, it hit the floor and blew.

And before Anya could do anything, the floor gave way under them and they all were falling down. Her mind was pure chaos, confused about when a station like this ever had an "under" that wasn't another floor. But, considering this area wasn't "real" to the maps, who knew what they were falling into?

If she died falling off Illium she was going to be pissed.

But just as quickly as she thought it, she crashed onto something metallic and very uneven. Weirder, it groaned.

When she blinked and started seeing straight again, she also started feeling her limbs, and there were definitely other limbs wrapped around hers. Looking down, it wasn't ground she was on. It was Garrus.

And her face was practically on top of his.

While part of her was ready to erupt into a helpless, idiotic blush, she pressed her forehead against his after seeing his eyes blink open. "You stupid turian."

"Wanted to keep the Commander in one piece. Just doing my job."

Anya smirked at him, and she was fully aware that beyond this armor, they were pressed together. It was honestly kind of hot thinking of him, in a crisis scenario, thinking of her first. Hot in a very wholesome, melted-her-heart king of way.

Her eyes flicked all over his face, especially his mouth plates and the smile forming. Maybe she could override her stupid blush and awkwardness if she got other parts hot and bothered-

But then she remembered Liara was somewhere nearby and she had to put all her very steamy thoughts in a back pocket for a better time. Swallowing them down, she got off of him as gently as she could before helping him stand up.

Their surroundings weren't another secret floor or vent ducts; it was this big, long hallways running underneath. It didn't have proper bright lighting, but it did have these lamps running every 50 feet or so. It was dark, but visible.

Brushing off her legs, she said, "Well who fucking knew there were tunnel systems under parts of Illium?"

"Shepard, I think we have a different problem."

She scoffed. They were totally a mess and she wasn't proud of the conversation they had up top, but she wasn't sure if it was the time to dissect how much of an embarrassment she was. Or, the fact that her new dynamic with Liara was totally throwing her for a loop that she didn't really know how to deal with. "What, that Liara is going to turn me into a blustering idiot for the rest of my life? Because I thought her loving me was bad, I think her trying to just be my asshole friend who keeps way too many secrets is worse-"

Garrus coughed, interrupting her, and said, "No. She's not here. I think they took her."

Glancing around them, she realized he was right. There was blown metal paneling for a few feet, but no Liara. And no Salarian either. "Fuck."

"Yeah, that about sums it up." Garrus tapped his visor and seemed to start doing some analysis. She just watched, transfixed. There was something about him doing tactical analysis that she always found fascinating to watch, among... other things. "Luckily, there was only one Salarian left and he seemed to have entered this same tunnel. If we keep going, we should eventually be able to find her. From some basic scans, this whole thing seems pretty linear. Probably deliberate, not a system, so we shouldn't get lost."

She patted his shoulder and started walking down the hallway. "Another reason to love that damned visor of yours."

"Are there other ones?"

"You don't even know the half of it." Since it was just the two of them, Anya figured she might as well get some angst off her chest before she had to face Liara again. Brushing her fingertips lightly against his, she said, "I'm not sure how I feel about what my death did to some of you." Just saying it made her chest constrict.

Garrus shrugged next to her. "Well maybe it's not you. Maybe all your friends just have terrible coping skills."

She laughed a little, but it didn't settle right in her chest. Everything still felt... off. It made her a little scared to see what happened to everyone else that she left behind. Liara and all of them deserved better than that damage.

But she had a mission to focus on, and she tried to take deep breaths and just think about that. "I hope this whole mess isn't a full nest of fuckery." Just then, she realized there was something else Garrus might know, something else that proved there was a lot more going on with Liara. Stopping to look up at his bright blue eyes, Anya tried to keep herself still and composed as she said, "Right. You should know: she's the one who gave my body to Cerberus."

"Damn."

"I'm getting the feeling she went through hell to do it, and I don't know whether to thank her or apologize."

Garrus walked with her when she started up again, but she could tell he didn't know what to say. It was okay. She didn't know what to say, either. After awhile of walking in silence, heading towards their first corner, he eventually exhaled. Her turian companion settled on saying, "Let's just start with getting her back."

It was enough.

Just then, they turned the corner and saw Liara standing there, holding up her Salarian captor by the throat. Her hand was oozing biotics. But no matter how panicked the Salarian was, Anya couldn't stop looking at Liara's face.

It wasn't just this darkness there anymore, seeping into her expression. Her face was covered in anger, frustration, vindication. Yet at the same time, she also seemed completely level-headed. If Shepard didn't know any better, she would've been convinced this wasn't Liara T'Soni at all.

And before she could even move her mouth, Liara tightened her hold and the Salarian stopped fighting.

Garrus's throat sounded dry when he said, "Guess she doesn't need any help."

/

Oof. I did kinda want to dive into that character shift that happens in Liara between Mass Effect 1 and 2, but it's hard to write about when I know things won't be good between her and Anya just yet.

But I have some really exciting moments coming up next chapter so i sweat the discomfort will be worth it!

I also just posted my Witcher story finally! It does mean a posting change will probably happen soon, to compensate for two stories, but I'm excited. If you want to help support my writing (fanfic and original) and other creative stuffs (Twitch coming in April, meaning Mass Effect and Witcher!), please check out these sites and their bios:

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	30. Part 2- Chapter 14: Sacrifice and Reward

"So, can we go somewhere and talk real quick about the fact you just murdered that man?"

After they had crawled their way out of the Illium tunnels, and gotten far enough away to call the authorities about the mystery area and its secrets, they were walking along the streets of Illium like nothing happened. But Anya couldn't contain herself; a lot happened back there and it unsettled her to her very core. This was more than Liara just being harsher after losing her.

True to new form, Liara turned and snapped at her. "Oh that's a bold inquiry, coming from Commander Shepard."

Anya sucked in a deep breath. The accusatory knife Liara just tossed at her heart was not a comfortable one to catch before it did damage. "Okay, sure, yes, I shoot a lot of people. But unless they themselves are currently trying to kill me or are mass murderers, I try to avoid it."

Liara rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. Apparently they were standing still, having this conversation in front of an arms dealer. In public. Cool. She could do this. But then Liara shot back with, "What about Ashley Williams? Or the council?"

The guilt, rage, and self-doubt kicked up in Anya's gut. Picturing Ash, her bright, confident smile, it all wracked through her core. But that's what Liara was trying to do right? Hurt her? This deflecting of hers was much more effective than the old days.

Unfurling her arms, holding her hands together tight, Anya said, "Those haunt me every day. But please stop deflecting. Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking because I don't know anymore. These two years changed you." She could feel her nails biting into her skin, but it felt necessary to keep her head straight.

Liara turned away from her and leaned against the railing. Anya could feel Garrus behind her, close by, but trying to give his distance. She appreciated it, both for comfort and so that she could try to figure this out on her own. At least, she wanted to try to figure this out on her own.

No matter how much Liara kept turning away, though, she could still see the echoes of pain and grief on her face. "The two years changed everyone."

"Yeah, but not like you. What happened, Liara?"

In a few seconds, it was like Liara swallowed all the hurt on the surface and instead turned cold. Even her eyes, that Anya remembered to be so sweet and passionate, looked flat and serious. "Do not butt into my affairs and start conversations like they're an interrogation. I can take care of myself. I didn't need you."

Anya shook her head. "I know that. You did most of the work here. But we're still with you."

"No, you aren't. You died, Anya." Liara was choking on the cracks in her mask, and Anya didn't know what to do. She tried to reach for Liara, but she slapped her hands so hard that it hurt. "My life was wayward and lonely but then you picked me up off that planet and gave me a home. You gave me friends. A family. You even helped me come to terms with my mother dying. And I left The Normandy under some stupid notion that giving you time alone could encourage you to value yourself, but then you-" Somehow, Liara looked sad, but it was like her melancholy was filled with this burning rage. And the fire was what made her so untouchable. "The second Cerberus said they could bring you back, I knew I'd do anything to make that happen."

"I'm sorry, I..." Again, her hand reached out and Liara tossed it away like it was a disease. She could feel Garrus' talons on the small of her back, trying to steady her. With all the things Liara was saying to her, she couldn't help but rerun all their moments together over in her head. While her personal life was painted with flaws and mistakes, she hadn't been fucking up so much since she came back. So, she didn't even know what she was apologizing about. Should she even be apologizing? "This is who I am, Liara. My life is filled with danger and every time I go out I know I might not come back. I don't know how I could've been any different."

"You could've let me in. You-" Liara's voice cracked and she stopped talking. And then that mask was back all over again. It was starting to grate on Anya, and she wasn't sure if it made her want to rip it off Liara's face or gut herself for helping put it there.

What happened to the woman who used to be so genuine and open and bright?

Meanwhile, Liara just kept pushing her away. "You know what? I spent two years moving on from being this tragic young woman obsessed with you. You don't get to walk into my life and take me back there. I think you should leave Illium."

"Liara..."

"We were once good friends. Let's leave it at that."

Anya didn't know what to say. So she regressed to her first instinct, fighting a few tears trying to run down her face. "I'm sorry."

But as she moved to turn away, give Liara the space she was going to have whether Anya wanted it or not, someone else walked up. Garrus' shoulder brushed past her, putting himself in between them. Her eyes were wide and she could barely react before he was there, next to her, standing tall and glaring down at Liara. "No. I'm not leaving before I say this. You were a great scientist with a big heart, once. Don't use that like a weapon. You know that you're acting like an asshole, don't you? If I had to guess, it's half the reason you want her to get the hell out of your life, despite the fact you lost half your soul deciding that you were going to play god with her."

At first, Anya didn't know what to say, but all she knew was that she was defeated and tired. She pulled on his arm. "Garrus, don't, let's just go."

"I agree with your girlfriend."

Despite what they said, Garrus was still standing tall, his talons twitching. "I might be the only person who knows how much of yourself you lost these past two years. You probably convinced yourself you were doing it for the galaxy, but you really just did it because you couldn't stand being here without her. And now that you see her, and she's still risking her damn life all the time, even though you gave up so much to get her back, you don't know how to cope. Fair. Just don't take it out on her."

Anya didn't know what to do, a vicious energy coursing in the air between them. She felt so small. Granted, Liara's insults were what made her feel that way, tearing at all her insecurities. The only thing that made any of this bearable was Garrus' other hand holding tight onto hers.

Glaring back up at him, Liara said, "There's a price for bringing back the dead and I paid it. I can feel bad about the way I'm doing things when I'm dead." She shook her head and laughed, a kind of haughty, bitter laugh she'd never heard from Liara before. Every time she spoke, Anya was more and more surprised at how different she was. She couldn't reconcile what had happened to Liara; all this just to bring her back? Was it really worth it, then?

But then Liara's voice cut through her internal panic. "And you have nowhere to talk. You didn't even try."

"So, that's how we're doing this." Garrus growled and pulled Anya a little closer. "Fine. Goodbye, Liara."

Liara didn't say anything, just walked away.

Luckily for Anya, Garrus didn't ask anything of her. He just kept holding onto her hand and started walking back towards the ship. As a holistic experience it was some fifth ring of hell level of overwhelming.

Amidst all of that, though, his hand on hers was like a thundering reminder in her head, running the things he said to Liara over and over again. It was like her brain was reaching a fever pitch, thinking about him, how he felt about her, and all the things he stomached just to make her feel human.

He could be like Liara. He could blame her, throw her worst fears in her face.

But he didn't.

She couldn't take it anymore. Standing still, Anya said, "Garrus, stop walking."

On command, he turned towards her and opened his mouth to say something, probably ask her what she wanted, if she was okay. She didn't care about that, though, not this second. She just needed to topple over these crescendoing feelings filling up her lungs.

Grabbing his collar, she pulled his face down and pressed her lips to his.

With their different mouths, she wasn't quite sure if he was getting anything out of this, but that would be a concern for later. Being so close, having his face against hers, feeling his hands wrap around her waist, it all made for the only good ending to this rollercoaster of emotions.

All she knew was, no matter how different or weird turian mouths were, she wanted him to be the one kissing her.

When she pulled away, he looked a little stunned. She explained, "At first I was kinda pissed off about you acting like a white knight, but by the end there it was really nice." Snorting, Anya added, "This sounds super lame, but I can't remember the last time someone stood up for me. I don't think anyone thinks the great "Commander Shepard" needs that."

Garrus echoed her laugh. "Normally I wouldn't risk the insubordination, but you're worth it. And that reward was definitely worth it." They just kinda stared at each other, before realizing they were being awkward idiots and just needed to keep moving.

Even though they started walking again, a little awkwardly and out of step, he still was holding her hand. She was starting to really like the small comfort of it. He said, "I'm sorry about Liara."

"She just needs time." Anya sighed, knowing that was just wishful thinking. Liara might never forgive her. But she was banking on the fact that, if she changed once, she could change again. "At least, I hope she does."

"Also sorry our first date was an absolute disaster."

"Maybe it was, but I was with you, so it was still good." With an addendum already in mind, Anya realized that wasn't quite true. Especially with the tear stains still on her cheeks. "Okay, maybe minus the fighting, particularly the verbal kind. But we can deal with that at another time." Her finger rubbed against his talon, maybe a little too heavily. She just had so many conflicting emotions and thoughts going on in her head and he seemed to be her only flotation device. "I don't know what to say about that thing about me dying and then still risking my life."

"Don't bother. It's hard sometimes, yeah, to remember how much it hurt to lose you and knowing I could again. But you're a hero, under all that squishiness I care about. I can't ask you to be anyone else."

The emotions were a lot all over again. She got up on her toes and met his mouth again. This time, it was less awkward and he reacted better, holding her steady and brushing his skin against hers in (what she assumed) was a pleasant, meeting-each-other-halfway route of doing things. She liked the thought of that.

When she stopped kissing him and realized they couldn't spend all night walking three feet and then making out, she blushed. "Okay, last one. We're already super late and need to get back to the ship." Coughing, she offered, "Blame it on the Salarians? Pretend there were two dozen of them, not two? Maybe they recognized our faces from Citadel vids and wanted to test out our abilities? Then got their asses handed to them?"

Garrus chuckled and let go of her arms, hands, and all. "Sounds like a good enough cover story to me."

Even though it made her feel vulnerable and small and lame, Anya grabbed his talons all over again. "But keep holding my hand until we get closer, maybe?"

Squeezing her small fingers in his, he walked her towards the Normandy. "I can do that."

Despite all the pain behind them, he was here and he was willing to fight everything by her side, friends, feelings, and foes alike. Anya didn't know the exact words for it, but she knew it felt good.

/

My Liara is hella edgy and I'm 100% here for it.

Hello folks! I know I missed a posting, but I had to take a short break to catch up on things, feel sane again, the like. I now will have a new schedule posting both Drunk Punch Love and my new Witcher story on Wednesdays and Saturdays. However, if you become a patron, you'll get to see each chapter a day early (and get access to my original stories, brainstorming blogs, access to my Discord, and other persk once my Twitch is up in April).

There I did it am I less awkward yet?

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See you guys Wednesday!


	31. Part 2- Chapter 15: A Feral Morning

Anya fucking hated mornings.

That is, until she met Dr. Chakwas. She hadn't even been that much of a coffee person, but one very early morning many years ago, she walked out to the Normandy mess to find the most delicious brew she ever smelled. Grabbing a mug, she poured herself a cup and then had the most delicious morning drink she'd ever had.

And lucky for Anya, after their Illium pick-up, Chakwas started making her signature coffee again. Not just her basic blend, but the good stuff. She was starting to think it had something to do with an Illium alcohol, but she didn't give a damn. Moaning into her beverage, Anya cupped her mug like it was her true love. "I forgot how much I loved this."

Next to her, Miranda chuckled. She was sipping from her own mug, leaning against the counter all upright and put together, outfit, makeup, and all. From the whole look she had going on, Shepard could tell she was one of those people that enjoyed coffee to enjoy it, not like it was a life force.

Anya was the opposite. She had some hunched shoulders and sweats. This drink was necessary sustenance for early hour survival.

With a surprisingly friendly smile (taking tips from Jacob?), Miranda said, "Didn't peg you for a morning person, Shepard."

"I'm not. Chakwas' coffee is just that good. Also, it makes the rest of an early day bearable."

With a roll of her eyes, Chakwas was already dismissing her. "She compliments me too much." Chakwas was on the other side of the counter, with a much larger thermos than either of them. Anya was half convinced the good doctor injected the shit straight into her veins when no one was looking. Across from her, Chakwas also looked perfect, her gray bob sleek and not a single hair out of place. Maybe she was actually what Miranda's future looked like, older, graceful, and mellowed out.

If she was being honest, she would be jealous. She'd love to be Chakwas when she grew up.

Patting the doctor's soft hand, Anya shook her head. "No I don't. I should compliment you more."

"I have to admit, it's a very good brew, Doctor." Chakwas waved them both away, like they were silly children. It annoyed Anya when she did that, but she couldn't blame her. Must be a weird jump to go from a medical hospital where she was just a doctor like everyone else, to a ship where Anya trained everyone to respect the hell out of her. Not that the others didn't respect her, but back there she was an Alliance cog. Here, she was their revered doctor that Anya Shepard wouldn't shut up about. That was high praise here, and the only reason Anya appreciated her influence.

As Ckakwas deserved, of course, but still. She could understand how weird the whole thing must feel.

Interrupting her musings, Miranda turned to look more directly at her. Her face was all "organizer serious". Anya wasn't sure she wanted to hear what was about to be said, but she listened: "While I have you here, I'd like to say thank you for doing requisitions a few days ago. But you've been off ever since. You even missed target practice yesterday, which is very unlike you. Also you missed a few supplies. Please never do them for me again. We can find other ways to do whatever bonding you want."

Anya raised an eyebrow and tried not to think about the fact she missed target practice because she was drafting 17 failed emails to Liara. Her head needed to be here, not there. "Whatever bonding I want?"

"That look makes me feel like I'm going to regret saying this, but yes."

Smirking, Anya leaned against the kitchen counters, mirroring Miranda's posture. Even though she didn't look at her to rub it in too much, she did have to rub it in a little. How could she resist? Shepard said, "Aww, I'm getting the pretty, perfect ice queen to warm up to me. I feel honored."

Miranda scoffed. "I'm just human, Shepard."

"Yeah, but you're one of my humans now. I like that." In the comfortable lull, Anya was happy to see the stars out some nearby windows, to be aware of Miranda's still, calming presence. But she started to get this weird, creeping discomfort. "I never really stood out and drank coffee with the crew very often. I can't remember-"

And then it hit her, just as the elevator doors opened, coming down from Command deck. "Oh no."

"Oh no, what?"

With a beleaguered groan, Anya looked at Miranda and tried to memorize the wonderful serenity they just had going on between them. It was so nice. It was like, for once in her life, she was a proper, serious adult with professional friends who all sipped hot beverages like adults and treated each other with respect.

And it was about to be ruined with tomfoolery, which she knew would be half her fault because she couldn't control herself.

Sighing, she warned Miranda best she could, saying, "I forgot there was a downside to waking up for Chakwas coffee."

"Wha-"

Just then, a certain Jeff Moreau hobbled in, sat down at a stool across the table, and gave her this wild, shit-eating grin. It was like he was a zoo monkey, just ready to throw it at her. Anya winced before he opened his mouth. "Good morning to the losers, needing extra caffeine to do their jobs."

"...And there it is."

His hand reached across the counter, grabbing one of the loose muffins on a plate. Ripert had been getting pretty good at making a couple each morning (mostly at Joker's sugar-induced behest). "Ladies, I see you all are ingesting demon juice. Hope you don't crash later."

"Speak for yourself, muffin-monger." Crossing her arms, she felt the weird, primal sibling hatred she felt for Joker during these morning flares. There was something about mixing an uncaffeinated her with Joker that turned her into-

Her mouth spoke before her head. "Trust me, Joker, there is a point of tolerance where that's not a thing unless you inject a whole pot into your veins. Which might kill a person, but I'd be willing to risk it if you want to experiment on yourself. Your sacrifice would be honored."

Miranda looked past both of them to Chakwas, her face trapped in this sort of bemused horror, asking, "So did they do this on the first Normandy?"

Anya scoffed and spoke before Chakwas could even open her mouth. "Yes. He loves heckling my tired face early in the day. And I forgot that until this moment, too busy savoring the only thing that makes me feel alive at this hour." Her groan reverberated throughout her chest, her empty stomach. If he only came in close enough, she could wring his stupid neck, but that would mean letting go of her beautiful coffee. With an elongated sip, she glared at him. "Why don't you leave me alone about coffee?"

"Because it's fucking funny that at 6 AM the Savior of the Citadel looks like a racoon with a drinking problem. Between the smeared eye makeup and the way you hold that mug, it's goddamn hilarious. The jokes write themselves."

Throwing daggers and maybe thermal weapons with her eyes, Anya said, "I'm going to break your right hand so you can't enjoy something that helps you get through your day."

"I'm ambidextrous, so just try me."

"Okay, guess it's both-"

Chakwas put a hand on each of them and gave them a serious "mom" look. Considering she preferred to be their friend, not any sort of parental figure, it shut them up. "Both of you, stop it. I don't know why you turn each other into feral teenagers at this hour, but don't take it out on everyone else. Now, shoo before we don't have a pilot." Joker looked annoyed, but grabbed his morning protein shake, made a face at Shepard, and went back to the elevator.

Once he was out of sight, Chakwas let out a breath like she just avoided World War 3. _They weren't that bad, were they?_ "Perhaps our old system, Shepard? I bring a cup to your room?"

"Ugh, I wanted to have coffee with humans again."

Miranda cut in and offered, "What about my room? We can have coffee together with no Joker. That can be our "bonding" activity."

Even if she tried, Anya couldn't beam harder. Partially because her face wasn't nearly awake enough for that. She needed a little more time for the caffeine to hit. "I would love that."

"You're invited too, Doctor."

Chakwas didn't look too sold on the idea, her lips still pursed and her eyebrows knitted. Anya was pretty sure that the display between her and Joker just soiled Chakwas' interest in any of them. At least, when it came to being bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "Perhaps every once in a while. This is already way too much chaos for my mornings."

Anya figured that was some coercion that could work out, three professional ladies sipping coffee in Miranda's office. It sounded cute, but she wouldn't push it. She let Chakwas walk her way back to her office, probably to write up reports on how her Commander and pilot were possibly insane.

She couldn't really blame her.

Pointing at her coffee, she said,"Okay. Well, I'll down this and get to the training room. See you in fifteen?"

Unimpressed with Anya downing the hot coffee in seconds, Miranda just nodded. "As the schedule says, I'll be there."

After she placed her mug in the sink, Anya gave Miranda her laziest salute and took a pit stop in her room. The racoon face needed to go and she needed to change into a workout look, not a lazy one.

Sure, it was just slightly more tapered sweatpants and a sports bra, but hand-to-hand combat day didn't need her excessive layers anyway. But for good measure, she wore her sweatshirt unzipped on the way there. Sometimes she caught a draft in the hallways that could really ruin how much she loved the athleisure look.

With a proper cup of Chakwas coffee in her system, Anya was practically humming down the hallways. Liara stuff was bullshit, but her team here was good, and they made her feel good, and they slowly were opening up to her. That had to be good, right? This was what a Commander was supposed to be like. At least, the kind of Commander she wanted to-

Just then, her thoughts were interrupted by someone grabbing her hand and pulling her into the nearby storage closet.

On reflex, Shepard swung up her elbow and hit their nose, trying to disengage whatever stupid prank or surprise test someone was pulling.

Well, that is, until she realized she knew the talons holding onto her fingertips. Like, _really _knew them.

The second she put down her arm, Anya was stumbling over herself. Dear god, at first it was funny, but she was going to give him brain damage at this rate. "Garrus, I am so-"

But before she could finish her words, his arms wrapped around her waist and his mouth pressed against hers. Her thoughts of apologies fried right there and, in the darkness, all she was left with was him.

And boy, was that a dangerous prospect.

Pulling him closer, she ran her hands across his waist, his lower back. Like her, he was more or less in thin training clothes, and she loved the feeling of grabbing onto cloth and skin, not hard armor plating. There was something really hot about knowing that here, in this closet, they were both stripped of their armor and rules and ranks and they were just Anya and Garrus.

His tongue slipped into her mouth and she nearly lost her mind.

Just as she was ready to call off training and lock them in here just to see what might happen, he pushed her away, breath heavy. "I've been wanting to get you alone to do that for days."

"We should keep doing that." She caught his mouth on hers again. Anya would love to say she was surprised how good it felt to kiss a turian, but she'd done it a few times before. It was the other parts of being with a turian that she was starting to get a little too curious about. Especially because it came with the stubborn, attractive, snarky, terribly sexy mouth of Garrus Vakarian.

And in a dark space where she wasn't the overburdened Commander Shepard anymore, Anya couldn't stop thinking about the kind of trouble she could get herself in with him.

Garrus, on the other hand, was annoyingly responsible, his talons grabbing her arms and removing them from his body. "W-we should go."

Anya leaned back into him, wondering what the skin felt like under the clothes. "Or we could not. We could ditch." Laughing, she tried to get as tall as she could, get closer to his face. He certainly wasn't acting like he wanted to go, so if she could just make him be a little less responsible... "I mean, I am the Commander, I could totally cancel training if I wanted."

But just as her mouth was about to press to his, Anya couldn't go through with it. She said the trigger word. If she woke everyone else up so early to train, it really wasn't fair to do this. She was the Commander, after all.

Maybe suicide mission prep wasn't the time to pull rank so she could make out with her boyfriend.

Sighing, she let go of him and realized she was a Commanding officer propositioning her team member in a closet. Jesus christ, was she a mess. Patting his chest, she admitted, "Yeah, we probably should go."

As she was adjusting her clothes to make sure she didn't walk out of her looking like a total idiot, he breathed on her neck. "Raincheck?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely." With a quick glance to try to make sure no one was in the hallway, she dragged them both out. In the light of day, Garrus looked just as frazzled and startled as she felt.

Guess neither of them were quite used to feeling like this, let alone trying to act on it in a crowded ship.

Whatever stupid blush was on her cheeks she tried to rub it off. "Accompany me to training, Vakarian? In a definitely, totally platonic way?"

He snorted. "Yeah, I can do that."

All she had to do was make sure they weren't sparring partners. Now, that would be an absolute disaster. If they could barely keep themselves together alone, how could they-

Waking into the room, though, everyone was already there before them. _How long had they spent in that closet? _And worse, it seemed Miranda already paired everyone up, her arms crossed and her thick eyebrows angular and pissed at them walking in, presumably late. Meaning, she was not only in trouble, but she and Garrus were stuck together.

With everyone rolling their eyes at her, scowling, smirking, being their ragtag selves, Shepard realized she could fuck it all up because she turned into a tomato just because she touched the turian. Worse, would the people she had just been getting to open up, like Jack or Miranda, be pissed that she was lying about the whole Garrus thing?

Joker was sitting in the corner smiling like an evil trickster god and Anya was ready to scream. All that respect she earned over the past month could evaporate because she was an unprofessional middle schooler who secretly made out with her best friend even though that sort of broke the rules.

And she might get outed because they were late to class after getting a little too heated during said making out.

_Fuck. _

/

I like closet making out. I like Anya and Joker being feral teenage siblings. I like making Anya feel awkward. This chapter makes me happy.

Now, next chapter might cringe me to death, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Thank you as always for reading and double thanks to my patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

See y'all Saturday!


	32. Part 2- Chapter 16: Labyrinthian Knots

Sure, she was already sweating by the time practice started. And it definitely didn't help that she was supposed to be running this hand-to-hand combat training, but she couldn't even look her demonstration partner in the eyes.

She and Garrus had done these dozens of times on the other Normandy, and even once or twice here. That was before they got awkwardly talking about their feelings, though.

Now everything felt like a mess and her body was already on fire.

Just because they kissed now and said mushy things over drinks didn't change the fact they were partners leading combat scenarios, right? Underneath all those shoulders and stupid smiles that made her heart give out, he was still her best friend. That was simple. She could do simple.

But then she looked up at him and he laughed, that deep rumble in his chest that felt like it echoed through her own, and she almost screamed. He was making it look easy, saying, "Let's show 'em how it's done, right Shepard?"

Sure. Sure, definitely, that. They could do that thing.

_What the hell were they doing again?_

A quick glance around the room and she remembered. Right. Close quarters training.

Coughing, she focused on all their faces. Grunt paired with Jack. Miranda paired with Kasumi. Mordin and Zaeed. Jacob and Kelly (apparently she came to even out the numbers, making it even more impossible to pick someone as her test dummy for one or two demonstrations and then just watch the entire thing like a hawk).

Anya just took a deep breath and tried to calm down her stupid beating heart, trying to break through her ribcage. She had a job to do right now. "As you've all seen in combat, I'm an infiltrator and I run teams fast and close. We're always on the move, so colliding with an enemy face-first is not unheard of." Taking another deep breath, she felt her Commander Shepard self coming back, shoving Anya backwards, pushing all her inappropriate little thoughts below the surface of her consciousness. _This was better._ "If I'm being honest, I do it a couple times every mission, so I want to give you all the best tools not if, but when this happens to you."

There were some chuckles around the room and a real snort from Kasumi, who understood the tactical cloak plight. That was good.

"To start, always size up your opponent. Knowing their strengths and weaknesses will always be invaluable in a fight. Let's take me for example. My strengths are speed and infiltrator abilities. I have an arsenal of elemental buffs and powers, a cloak, and some hacking skills. Now, if I come face to face with someone, what is my best asset?"

Across the room, Jack looked annoyed with the whole exercise already. "Beating them in the fucking face before they hit you? Or your tits I guess."

Anya choked on a laugh that would've been so out of line and totally would've derailed the session. Swallowing it down, she shook her head, but reminded herself to tell Jack it was funny later. "No. My cloak because I can back off if I need to." Sighing, Anya admitted, "Though beating them in the face is an option I use maybe too often."

"Good you fucking admitted that, I was gonna call you out on your shit otherwise."

Unable to keep the next laugh down, Anya chuckled and just rolled with it. "Thanks for your input, Jack."

Next to her, Garrus butted in. "But what would Shepard's weaknesses be in a close combat fight?"

The room just echoed with silence. _Right._ They weren't exactly at that comfortable point where people would just roast her openly and honestly. Getting them to criticize her in an educational situation was definitely not in their comfort zones yet.

Though, granted, she wasn't exactly in her comfort zone, with Garrus' body radiating heat next to her and the pilot gremlin staring her down.

In the corner, Joker was still giving her that look like he was having the best day of his life, watching her suffer. He even started making weird gestures towards Garrus, and she was about ready to toss a 10-pound weight at his head. See how he liked that.

Finally, Grunt rolled his eyes and stood straight. "You're small. You're fairly easy to break. You don't keep denser shields or armor like the rest of us. If you get caught by someone too big or unrelenting, you're dead."

"Thank you Grunt, for putting that in such a positive way." Using her hands to gesture, even though per usual she had no damn clue what she was gesturing, she added, "But he's right. Just like you size them up, they'll do the same. So, Miranda put you in pairs that play to your weaknesses. We're going to start with how to deal with the initial encounter." Shepard kept talking, even faced Garrus at one point to direct everyone to different weak points on people's bodies.

But she was very careful not to touch him very much, and definitely not to look him in the eyes.

Anya knew she had to cope with this, learn how to overcome it, but that day wasn't today. Maybe looking at him over dinner, sure, or perhaps a group movie night. During the middle of training, though, when she knew they'd eventually be grappling on the goddamn floor?

Too much to handle.

Before she could compensate for that, though, the combat training was completely out of her control. Garrus started running on autopilot and he verbally raced them to the demonstration portion like their old sessions.

This wasn't the same as those, though, and her skin was already itching, knowing she'd have to spend the next hour showing everyone how to hold onto him real tight.

Jesus christ, she was going to vomit.

When they got to facing off, showing the crew effective ways to spar, it was like her brain short-circuited. All she had to do was get a thick dose of his bright eyes on hers and his shoulders straight her way and she could feel her cheeks flaring. Even though he asked if she was ready, and she said yes, Anya lost all control of her senses when his left hand grabbed hers. With one swift motion, his other arm wrapped around her waist and tossed her down on the mat with a quick flip.

_Ouch. _

Maybe the panic overrode her brain was smart, knowing actually fighting back would lead to a lot more touching than she could process. She could tell her face was already a fierce pink; how would she explain away going full cooked lobster?

Down on the ground, everyone was staring at her. But Grunt was a special level of embarrassing, since he was shamelessly laughing at her. Maybe she'd reach lobster levels without Garrus' help.

Grunt's blue eyes sparkled, like a kid watching WWE. "Damn, the turian took you down. That was pathetic."

Groaning, Anya got up on her own, even though Garrus offered a hand. She felt like a minor idiot. "Grunt, not right now."

Once she was standing, Garrus leaned a little closer and asked, "You okay?"

She pushed his shoulder away. He didn't need to be so close, not when she already made a fool of herself. "Not the time." Turning back to everyone else, she said, "Now, when it comes to this training room, never get inside your own head. Just always get back up and keep practicing. You and your sparring partner will learn something new about each other every round."

Grunt added his two cents, per usual. "Not me, though. I'm perfect." Almost like a spring-loaded trap, Zaeed swept Grunt's legs and he toppled, making the older man cackle. _Great._ If this turned into a fight club, she wasn't going to be happy.

Chuckling like he won some prize, Zaeed said, "Guess not so perfect."

When Grunt got up, he somehow looked even more voracious and excited to fight.

"Oh, it's _on_. Be ready to eat matt, puny humans."

Not daring to look at Garrus, she played the only "out" she had. Normally, she had her and Garrus go a couple rounds, show off. But she couldn't bear that right now. "Everyone, get with your partner. Garrus and I will be walking around to give tips."

In the meantime, she flipped off Joker in the corner. While including him in on the combat training was too risky so of course he just had to watch, she wasn't too pleased about his watchful fucking eyes driving her insane.

Before he left her side, Garrus said, "Sorry about the flip."

"Sorry I'm an idiot." Her laugh switching pitches like an inconsistent baseball player, Anya was just so over the rising panic in her throat. "Just take care of them. You're not doing anything wrong. I'm just... overwhelmed."

"By what? We can always turn down the lights or ask everyone to shut the fuck up or-" Looking in his eyes, she could tell the exact moment it clicked. "Oh. You mean-"

"Yeah. So just don't get too close and keep being good at your job, okay?"

"I- I can do that."

For a while, she and Garrus stalked opposite sides of the room, correcting defensive stances and giving people tips on how to surprise their sparring partner. Some people were just totally out of their element in close combat, like Kelly or Mordin. But seeing Kasumi in action, she was a little frightened.

But then it happened. Jack gave up being frustrated and tossed like a rag doll, throwing a biotic toss at Grunt, which instead hit Zaeed, and then a training room equivalent to a bar fight broke out.

Real quick, Garrus grabbed ahold of Zaeed and Jacob and Miranda ran over to separate Grunt and Jack with their own biotics. But it was a damn trip to watch. If she was more herself, she'd jump right in. But right now... She was a fucking embarrassment and didn't need to blush her way into fucking it up.

Just then, Mordin approached her. "Something wrong today? Your temperature is higher, your pigment is slightly redder, and your focus is wildly inconsistent."

"Thank you for the concern, but no, I'm fine."

The Salarian looked wildly unconvinced, a look she did not like on him when she was having an internal panic about her love life meshing with her work. "Hmm. My findings say otherwise." He hummed again, sounding dissatisfied. "You can keep your privacy, but as a genetic scientist I would appreciate inclusion in any serious medical conditions."

"Seriously, Mordin, there's nothing medically wrong with me. I promise."

"Choose to believe you for now. But if you are lying, I will inevitably find out and guilt you into extensive testing."

"Sure. Fine. Fair enough."

And as he walked away, she watched the carnage on the other side of the room, the discomfort of Kelly, the horror on some people's faces, and Joker's shit-eating grin. Anya thought: what the hell had she gotten herself into.

Garrus flashing a half-assed grin her way only made it worse.

Somehow, they all made it out of there alive, but the training got cancelled early and Miranda gave her "what the hell is up with you" eyes the entire time.

To give herself credit, Anya wasn't the only person completely out of it and causing trouble during that. But the problem was that she was the Commander and she had zero control over it all.

She saw everyone out, but was standing there by the exit, giving fake smiles and words of encouragement, just hoping to toss herself out the airlock later.

Just when she least wanted to see him, Joker walked out the room and gave her that grin.

"That was a weird combat training session, right?"

"Oh fuck off, Joker." Garrus came out of the room last, and cocked his head sideways at her aggressive swearing. Oh well, he already knew the dynamic here. She had turned herself into a labyrinthian knot and she couldn't handle Joker's antics right now.

"I'm just making an observation." He raised his hands like he was innocent, but she knew him at the Academy. To say he was ever innocent was like assuming your parents don't have sex. Willfully ignorant. Joker continued, saying, "So I assume by the fact Anya's so embarrassed about touching you that you guys haven't-"

Grabbing Joker's collar, she glared as many combat knives as her brain could send. "And right there is where I will stop you because otherwise I will kill you."

Ever the peace-maker (at least when it came to them) Garrus unfurled her fist from Joker's shirt. "What is with you two this morning?"

Anya instead crossed her arms and said, "Do you normally see us together in the morning?"

"... Come to think of it, no..."

"Joker is peak chaotic energy in the morning. I am my most anxious and on edge. When we are forced to interact, this happens. Because our sibling-esque relationship is put to the fucking test and I fail it every. God. damn. Time."

Joker snorted next to her. Asshole just didn't know when to quit-

Before she could touch him, Garrus grabbed her hand and shook his head.

The pilot across from her snorted. "And I just find it really funny."

"Sometimes I think I understand you two and then... stuff like this."

Trying to get on her good side (even though he pushed way too far back there), Joker offered, "If it makes you feel any better, Anya, I think it's adorable. You two are adorable." Since he was drawing a line between her and Garrus with his finger, she got the goddamn picture.

But between Garrus holding her hand right now and this, the whole "secret" part of the situation was being blown out the fucking airlock if anyone else saw this.

She was the one who wanted to be blown out the airlock, not her secrets.

With her blood boiling to a point she was surprised it wasn't searing through her skin, Anya threatened, "Another word and you will never have children."

"I don't really want kids, but I get the point. I'll go."

And thank fucking god, he did.

Once he was out of sight, Garrus gave her this sad, compassionate look that she didn't know if she hated or thought was cute. She wasn't sure. Her brain was goddamn fried. "You need a nap."

"I have to go see Grunt-"

Garrus countered, "I'll cover Grunt's weird hamster hang out thing. Take back your sanity." Anya didn't even know how to argue. It was like she twisted herself so much that it burned every nueron she had. Nothing was quite connecting. He walked her towards the elevator and hit the button to summon it. "I'm gonna be honest, you're kinda scary this way."

As she entered the now-open doors, Anya sighed. Everything was clearly a mess and she hadn't figured it all out, not as much as she hoped. But at least this stupid, handsome, wonderful man with tall shoulders existed. She smiled up at him. "... Thank you."

After a quick glance side to side, he pressed his mouth to her forehead. "Anytime."

Then the doors shut behind him and Anya lumbering to her bed. Garrus wasn't wrong, she needed this. She practically disintegrated onto her bed. If she could just close her eyes-

"Commander Shepard?"

"Oh for the love of-" Sitting up, she sighed and asked, "What?"

"Horizon is under attack."

/

I've been dawdling, I know, so back to actual plot and angst we go. I have some ideas of transplanting Anya and Garrus into a real AU with an original plot, so wait on the possibility of that, friends 3

For now, time for Anya to face her demons in the form of one Kaidan Alenko

Thank you as always to my patrons, of course!:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

See everyone Wednesday :)


	33. Part 2- Chapter 17: Stormy Horizons

It'd been easy to forget the bodies. The screaming. Everything about her old life felt like a fever dream most days, on the ship with her colorful crew. She only faced it in those rare mid-battle flashbacks, with gunfire ringing in her ears, remembering the horror she left behind. But until now, she hadn't really been facing it at all, had she?

Here on the ground, with so many frozen eyes staring at her, begging for help, Shepard felt her breath catch in her throat. And every time she swallowed, it wouldn't go away, like it was trapped there, a reminder of all the people she saw who weren't breathing.

Behind her, Garrus and Grunt were covering her flank. Anya didn't dare look back at Garrus' face; it all felt too raw, and she knew if she saw him she might fall apart.

Guess getting a new body didn't always mean better or stronger. Because she felt very fucking weak right now. Everywhere she looked, she felt sick.

What if she hadn't gotten herself killed? Would she have been able to stop this faster?

Anya just tried to shove all the guilt pooling in her stomach to some forgettable place in her mind and instead focus on the Collectors advancing on them. Their bodies looked like twined organic matter; a humanoid figure covered in dark, tainted muscle. And their eyes... They were bright golden lights staring back into her soul.

With all that eldritch power behind them, they were dragging people away. They only turned on Shepard's party when they started shooting.

Every movement she made was muscle memory, gliding across the field of battle under cloak with fire and pistol in hand. Her head was on another plane of existence, disconnected from her limbs, watching herself take enemies down from afar.

Even when she tackled a Collector to the ground and shoved her omni-blade in its face, she could barely feel it.

Not when a frozen colonist was a few feet away, flitting their eyes all over her body, panicking.

All Anya could do was wonder what was going on in these people's head; how many of them could she even save? While she advanced through the complex, she didn't know how many behind her were still being abducted.

And to make matters worse, this Harbinger bitch kept "assuming direct control" and telling her how hopeless these people were, how she was.

While it gnawed at Anya's insecurities, it only made Commander Shepard want to punch her fist through its jaw even more. But no matter how many she took down, "Harbinger" kept coming back.

If she didn't hate them so much, it would've been impressive, the relentlessness. But it stopped being impressive when you knew they were slowing you down just to try to kidnap more innocent people. She couldn't start imagining what they were doing with them; it was inevitably horrible.

Normally, Shepard was all for exploring every crevice, getting as much knowledge, resources, allies as she could. But this needed to end and fast. If they didn't scare them off, they could lose every colonist on this planet.

Using her tactical cloak and hacking skills, Anya broke down as many doors and barriers as she could. They couldn't keep her away from saving these people.

At least, the ones left to save.

Again, Anya shoved that pain away. She could cope with it later, cry, scream, whatever. But right now these colonists didn't need the compassionate Anya. They needed a hero; they needed Commander Shepard.

When they shot and hacked and stabbed their way into the central hub, she could tell it was the perfect place for an ambush. They contacted EDI and had her ready to go, to undermine the Collectors' systems while they were fighting. If they were lucky, they could force them to retreat.

Garrus looked her way while they waited for the Collector reinforcements. "You ready for this?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

Just then, they came. In waves and droves, Collectors and husks filled the area. Punching down another blue, glowing demon, Shepard yelled, "Did I mention I fucking hate husks?"

"Sounds about right for a squishy Infiltrator."

Anya almost got caught up on that emotionally charged word, that Garrus almost only used in private, intimate moments, but she ignored it.

Luckily, Grunt made it easy. "Grow some quads, snipers. We got a big one coming."

Like a giant crab, a floating, small shuttle-sized version of the Collectors dropped from the sky. It's limbs floated underneath it like claws and vines, ready to strike at any moment. And worse, the thing opened its terrible maw and started shooting lasers.

Reaper tech was already an uncomfortable threat, but this was another level. This wasn't persistent, hungry husks of human beings anymore or giant leviathans. These were living, organic tanks.

It made her shudder, thinking of what else The Reapers could do.

Anya had to react fast, though, and she wanted to turn its own powers against it. She remembered that earlier, one of the Collectors shooting at them had some sort of laser of his own. Garrus and her had targeted him down, they weren't idiots, but now that firepower could be just what they needed.

To her team, she yelled, "Cover me!" before she dove towards the monster.

Dodging and weaving through the metal crates, Shepard tried to keep out of its line of sight. It was a persistent bitch, always looking for her, and it was hard to go totally unnoticed. Especially when her tactical cloak only lasted so long.

Just as she reached the oblong laser weapon, her cloak fell. And like a hunting dog, the giant Collector turned on her and fired up its own laser.

Even though Anya rolled over to cover immediately, it wasn't enough. She screamed when the laser seared the edge of her ankle. Only a few seconds, and it broke down her shields and left an irreparable burn.

She'd have to have Chakwas look at that later.

With every breath staggered, stammered, and drawing like a sputtering bath, Anya had to close her eyes and ready herself before she made the big leap. His voice was on the other line, trying to sound like a teammate, but she could identify her boyfriend underneath in the pitching. "You okay, Shepard?"

"Yeah. Just catch its attention and I'll roast it."

She could almost hear Garrus' smile in his voice. "Don't have to tell me twice. You ready to charge it, Grunt?"

"Finally, some good fucking action." Then, she heard her Krogan do a battle cry and his shields collided with the beast, flying a little too low for its own safety. Anya grinned. She'd have to give that Krogan a good meal when they got back.

Giving some suppressive fire, Garrus set her up perfectly. Those two had the tank's entire attention.

Anya pivoted from behind her cover, only leaning into one knee, and prepped the Collectors' own laser on her shoulder. "Hope you like the taste of your own tech, asshole." And then she fired.

Ten seconds later, the tank was swiss cheese. And just as the giant Collector fell, the Normandy did its job and scared the main ship. It disconnected from the planet and flew off. They made the dark, horrific, mythic Collectors go on the run.

It almost made Anya laugh out loud, holding the now-fried laser weapon. She'd have to get herself one of these. Or, just get someone to fix this one.

Breathing heavy, she tried to stand on her own. Garrus and Grunt were walking towards her with these triumphant smiles and she wanted to tell them how good they did, but the second she put any weight on her right foot, she almost collapsed.

The Turian caught her, perhaps a little too comfortable with holding her close. "I got you."

"Stupid laser got my leg. Chakwas isn't going to be happy about the repair."

Grunt shrugged. "Scars are an attractive feature."

Snorting, Anya said, "Guess all Krogan are into scars, Garrus. Your dating pool just widened." When she took another breath, though, she really took in the carnage around them.

The adrenaline rush of fighting off the Collectors was wearing off quick, seeing so many bodies. Even the husks, that made her run around like an idiot mid battle, were now lying there, dead and empty. And outside of battle, it was hard to forget that those were humans, once.

As a group, they walked out of the community area to go check out the colony scanners. Before they went, they had to see what the casualty list was like.

Anya already knew it would make the victory feel a little hollow, but it didn't make it any less important.

Just as they got there, though, the doors slid open and someone else was walking out. "Finally broke through those damned doors. Can't believe Lilith locked me-" When his head looked up, he stared straight at her and Anya stopped breathing. It'd been a long time since she'd seen those soft brown eyes looking at her. He got that old look, of helpless affection, before it fell off his face like a discarded mistake.

With a frown, Kaidan Alenko crossed his arms and said, "Commander Anya Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. Lucky me, in the presence of a legend. And a ghost." Anya was used to the stupid legend talk. But she wasn't used to it being said like she was a curse.

Breathless, she said, "Kaidan."

Kaidan was chuckling, but it sounded like it wasn't funny; it sounded like it hurt. "She really fucking did it."

"Who?"

"Liara. She-"

Anya cut him off with a wave. Right. Kaidan and Liara were once more than friends. But from the bitter look on his face, Shepard was getting the sinking feeling she was the reason that ended. "I know. She brought me back."

Snapping back, Kaidan asked, "Did you know I was there? That she tricked me into helping her?"

"No."

With a scoff, Kaidan kept standing at the top of the stairs, like he belonged there instead of by her side. If she wasn't leaning on Garrus to stand, she would've tried to hug him. The more she looked at him, though, the more she feared he would've shoved her away. "Figures. I wasn't too pleased about her handing you over to goddamn Cerberus."

"I've struggled with that, too." Unable to pull him close, her old Lieutenant and friend, to remember who they used to be, Shepard settled for saying, "It's good to see you're okay."

Kaidan peered at her, laughing. It sent a combat knife through her chest. He asked, "Is that all you have to say?"

Very gently, Anya pushed off Garrus and tried to stand on her own. She was a little wobbly, but she needed to be closer. This couldn't be Liara all over again.

When she started hobbling towards him, though, he only seemed to recoil. Anya stopped. "I don't know what to say. Ask how you are? Joke about "long time, no see"? It doesn't feel right." Scared but confused, she couldn't help but ask, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"It's been two years, Shepard. The galaxy had a big hole in it when you left. Hell, losing you changed everything. I've worked my ass off trying to make up for the difference, but I still haven't figured out how to fill that empty damn space, for me or anyone else. But now you're just... here. Like nothing happened."

"Kaidan..."

Those brown eyes that used to look at her with this infinite softness, now glared at her like she was some great destroyer. But his stoicness was starting to crack, revealing shaking hands and a clenched jaw. "I loved you. I believed in everything about you. You didn't feel the same way, but it didn't matter because all I wanted was a place by your side." His neck swallowing his words like lodestones, he added, "Why didn't you try to contact me? Were you just going to let me hear the rumors, wonder what kind of bastard clone Cerberus had made out of you? Agonize about the fact I didn't know if I was just waiting for a damned copy to find me and break my heart all over again?"

Shepard tried to see things his way, a world where she was a spoken myth, something taunting him in his dreams and nightmares. Anya couldn't imagine how hard it might be. Unlike her old team, her old family, all that time she lost was just blank space. Sighing, she tried to be as honest as she could, though the tightness of her fists slipped out into her words, "I spent most of the past two years fucking comatose, Kaidan. I didn't have much of a choice."

"But after." Kaidan glared, this unshakable look of betrayal on his face. "After that, you went to Anderson and Udina. But never me."

"They said you were confidential. What was I supposed to do? Hunt you down? If you haven't noticed, the galaxy's a-"

His shoulders tensed, pulling his crossed arms closer to his chest. Kaidan shrugged them, but it looked more like a tightly wound yo-yo springing up and down, not a gentle roll. "The galaxy's a mess. Don't you think I know? I'm the one who's been doing your job while you shacked up in Cerberus' luxury labs." Kaidan couldn't even look at her face anymore, scanning her body like an anomaly while he said, "How can anyone know that you don't have some kind of Cerberus kill switch in you?"

"Don't."

But when he did look at her it was sharp and lacked the kindness she once knew. All she wanted was to see him smile like he did to her plants, or on that 4 AM stroll. This Kaidan was alien to her.

Was Garrus really the only one who could stand her, in the end?

Kaidan said, "I can't pretend I'm talking to the real Shepard. You may look like you, feel like you, but how do I know this is the real Anya?"

Tipped over the edge, she bit back. "Don't call me by my name when you ask a fucking question like that, Kaidan. You don't have the right. Just look at me. I'm me."

But Kaidan didn't. Instead, he looked to Garrus, this venom in his eyes, staring down at them. "How can you believe whatever this... thing is? Or work for Cerberus? We fought them together. Are you really just like Liara, blinded by the fact you want her back so bad that you'll believe anything that resembles her?" Taking a step down from the stairs, his voice sounded hollow when he added, "I can't believe the reports were right."

Garrus was quick to defend her. "This _is _Shepard, Kaidan. Get over yourself." Though she wasn't looking at him, she could almost hear it in his voice, him crossing his own arms. "But you said reports, meaning you already knew."

"Anderson tried to keep me out of it, but there were rumors you weren't dead and were with Cerberus. And knowing what I knew, I didn't wanna believe they actually brought you back somehow. But they did. And now you work for the enemy."

Anya tried to take a step towards him. Maybe if he could touch her, feel her fingertips, like all those times they caught each other in different fights or tried to arm wrestle, he could tell it was her. The real her.

When her right foot stepped down, though, her ankle couldn't hold the weight. Reactively, Garrus stepped up and grabbed her side. Almost as if to support her emotionally, Grunt grabbed her other side.

Where her own steps failed her, her friends gave her the boost to be a little stronger.

Firmer, Shepard said, "If I could join the Alliance, I would in a heartbeat. But people need saving yesterday and Cerberus doesn't have any tape. I just want to protect people."

"You sound so much like her. But how can you be real?"

"Because I am. I don't know how the hell they did it, but it's me, Kaidan."

"Can you really be sure of that? Or is it just what Cerberus wants you to think?" Kaidan finally got to the bottom of the steps, looking straight at her. But even on equal footing, he didn't look at her with affection or friendship. It was like he never left the top of the stairs. "I've wished every day that this could be real, that you could be back. But you work for Cerberus. That's where I draw a line, Shepard."

Frowning, Shepard was over groveling. If he wanted her to be the bad guy, then she'd stop reaching out.

With a roll of her eyes, Anya said, "Stop letting our history, your feelings, get in the way of facts, Kaidan. The Collectors are targeting humans. Cerberus is letting me stop that. That's all that needs to matter right now."

"Maybe. But maybe you're not thinking about the facts enough, either. They're terrorists. They're monsters. And you're letting them bankroll your guilt. There's doing the right thing, and there's doing the right thing the wrong way. Do you know which one you're doing anymore?"

She didn't want to admit there was a grain of truth to what he was saying there, but one grain didn't discount all the other bullshit he'd said.

Anya had committed to this team, this cause. Her old guilt wasn't going to stop her from doing that, no matter how much hurting Kaidan hurt her. "I know that I'm doing everything I can to save human colonies and stop the Reapers. Are you? Is the Alliance? The Council?"

There was a long stretch of silence between them, two soldiers staring each other down. They used to be on the same side, close comrades, even friends. They confided in one another late into the night and they kept each other sane during insane times. And when her world was falling apart, when everyone was leaving her, she trusted him to always be there.

Guess always had a shorter timeline than she thought.

Breathing out his nose, Kaidan shook his head. "You've changed, Shepard. Or maybe you're right, maybe I never knew you. But I know who I am and where my loyalties lie." Uncrossing his arms, Anya finally saw him for what he was now, after all these years: a stranger. "I've got to report back to The Citadel. They can decide what they believe about you."

She wouldn't cry or mourn for the person she lost. Instead, she kept her face still, serious, and said, "Fine. Goodbye then, Commander Alenko."

He echoed, "Goodbye, Commander Shepard... And be careful."

And he walked away from them.

While that final statement spoke to a man who still cared about her, it didn't make up for all the awful things he said before it. Waving her head around, shaking off the uncomfortable thoughts, Anya leaned harder into Garrus to speak to her omni-tool. "EDI, bring the Normandy in for pick-up."

Grunt regaled Joker with all his badass feats down on the planet and she just quietly listened, smiling or laughing when she should.

The only thing that helped her keep it together was Garrus brushing his talons against her hand every few seconds, as if to remind her that he was still here for her.

It was enough, for now.

/

AHHHH there was a lot of angst this chapter, but i liked giving a more well-rounded perspective on why Kaidan's a bitter bitch. He loved Shep, hated Cerb, had to try to fill in her shoes, and lost someone he cared about in resurrecting her? He's misplacing his anger on Shep, but I get it

Still means he's a dick about it

Next chapter will be even more angst, Anya coping with all the stuff in this chapter. EEK much angst. Guess makes sense after all the fluff lately

Anyway, much thanks to my patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

See y'all on Saturday!


	34. Part 2- Chapter 18: Tugged Strands

Even more surreal than Horizon was the movie night afterward.

The briefing was grim. Sure, they did get more information on The Collectors and Horizon was the first colony to ever have survivors. But knowing the amount of people they still lost, and watching that ship disappear into the darkness with them?

It made it hard not to feel hollow.

Lucky for morale, it was movie night. Miranda's choice. To everyone's surprise, she sat them down and sprung the entirety of some fantasy saga on them. An old Earth trilogy called Lord of The Rings.

She was subtle about it, but from the way her smile settled on her face, satisfied, Anya could tell something about the film really made the liaison happy. And at the very least, in-depth fantasy totally distracted them from the Reapers, Collectors, all of it.

Even though she wanted to sidle up close to Garrus, cuddle, let her mind go numb underneath his arm, it was a bit of a public affair. Anyway, before she could even contemplate breaking all the rules, Grunt sat down next to her. Right next to her, like he expected her to use him as a pillow.

Sure, she eventually gave up about 3 hours in and leaned into his shoulder, but it was weird for the large Krogan to assume.

He wasn't Garrus, sure, but it was nice.

When the films ended many hours later, most people stumbled off to bed. Was quite the haul, 9 hours of movies after a big mission, but everyone fucking committed. Shepard wasn't sure if it was because they wanted to or because no one wanted to be the first to give up.

Like they were playing a game of exhausted chicken with one another.

The only people who stayed was the fantasy-fan cleaning up and the Salarian. Mordin cornered Miranda afterward to ask her about the mythos of the film. Like many others, Anya wanted to immediately crash into her bed, but Grunt stood in her way, blocking the door.

He asked, "Shepard?"

Part of her wanted to shove past him, but of all people, she couldn't stand being a bitch to the Krogan. Considering how sweet he'd been on the couch made it extra difficult. She tensed up to hopefully have a better shot of holding her feeble body upright a little longer. "Yeah?"

"Okeer believed feelings were for the weak, but you feel a lot, so I guess he was wrong."

Staring up in his blue eyes, she was too tired and dizzy to really identify what his facial expression was. Especially since Krogan expressions could be elusive, even if you weren't using your eyes very well. But she knew his smile anywhere.

Anya smirked. Though she was ready to fall into a sentient puddle on the ground, he made her insides feel warmer. Fuzzy, even. "Thanks, Grunt." She patted his shoulder and walked by. Luckily, he didn't stop her again.

Straight shot to the elevator and she'd be home free.

When the doors closed behind her, Anya tipped her head back into the cool metal, letting it take the heat off her aching brain. Her fingers gripped the railing, tight, but the kind of tight where if the floor fell out below her she'd fall with it.

AKA, not the kind of grip that saved anyone.

Anya knew it was cynical of her, but she felt like she had a lot in common with her grip today.

All she needed right now was to be alone, maybe melt herself in a shower, feel her skin so hot that it could even warm up her bones, chilled from Horizon's emptiness. Remind herself that no matter how hollow she felt now, she had veins and muscle underneath it all.

Opening the door, she pulled her hair out of its ponytail, wild brown strands tousled everywhere. She had to blow a few strays out of her eyes. Letting it loose without anyone looking at her felt like heaven right now, the only way she could be free of-

But just as the door shut behind her, she came far enough in her room to see there was a certain blue-marked turian lounging casually on her couch, scrolling through a datapad. With her screeched halt, her shoes skid on the metal and he finally looked up.

Normally, she'd be excited to see those bright blue eyes smile at her. Right now, though? She felt invaded.

Struggling to swallow, Anya asked, "What the hell are you doing in here?"

With a sigh, Garrus swung his legs off the couch and patted the spot next to him. Even though he started off with a smile, he was looking all serious. Anya hated that. "I'm not waiting for you to reluctantly hold out your hand and let me in." That was even worse. But, she didn't have the energy to fight him. "This time, I wanted to already be here, waiting for you."

Anya walked over to her couch and flopped next to him. Being on a couch again, though, and having him all to herself, she indulged in the one thing she'd been wanting to do all night. Falling head first, she took a pillow and put it on his lap, making him a perfect nap spot before he could say no. Just like she suspected, it felt so damn comfortable and right, hearing his breathing only inches from her ears.

"That is somehow the sweetest and most annoying thing you've ever said." Closing her eyes, she struggled a little to pull them back open. It just felt so nice. "Garrus, today was just... a lot. I don't know if I'm all that up for a big conversation."

"Cool. That doesn't mean I'm going to leave and stop being here for you. I'll just stick around to make sure you get a good night's sleep. Call it Noveria 2.0. Drink that vodka of yours and it can be the most accurate sequel it can be."

To make matters worse, the coercive turian started running his talons very lightly through her hair. She could purr with how satisfying this felt after a bad day. She couldn't admit that though; she'd never hear the end of it. Instead, she chuckled and said, "I hate you."

"You don't."

Exhaling, Anya figured she might as well talk if he wanted her to talk. She opened her eyes and looked up at him, every angle of his face softened by the way he kept looking at her. Anya asked, "Remember the night before Ilos? Where you and I stayed up until 2 AM playing card games because our nerves wouldn't shut up?"

"Yeah, and you kicked my ass at that stupid human card game. What'd you call it?"

"Rummy."

"Right. So what about it?"

She already felt uncomfortable, thinking about that night. She remembered all of it like a vivid nightmare and a dream wrapped in one. Her time with Garrus reminded her to stay sane, but that conversation with Kaidan... "Well, I never told you that before I pinged you to come to my room, Alenko came over."

Garrus' eyes widened; he knew Alenko back then, too. "Oh no."

"Oh yes. And the poor guy started talking about the fact we could die and then tried to kiss me. I was mortified. Not just because of the kiss, but because I fucking punched him. I punched him! He looked so heartbroken I wanted to vomit." Anya covered her face, writhing in embarrassment. That night, she thought all her professionalism was murdered and she'd never be taken seriously again. But thinking about what happened down on the planet, unprofessionalism didn't sound so bad.

Her face couldn't smile anymore about failed confessions of love and dumb reflexes. It wouldn't. "I can't believe I miss lovesick Alenko. The way he looked at me on Horizon..."

"He's an idiot. Cerberus hasn't changed you. He'll get over it." Garrus tilted his head at her, like pondering a great philosophical concept. It was an odd look for him, to say the least. The view from down here was a bit of a vulnerable and warped one, though. "But, and I can't believe I'm defending him, he did have a lot of strong feelings for you. And for Liara. No wonder he reacted badly, seeing you after so long and knowing Liara made it happen. Liara said she made sacrifices, and Kaidan looks like he's made some of his own."

Pouting, Anya wanted to be petulant and annoyed. She needed to be; the other option was too tragic. "You cared about me. You didn't act like a dick."

"Well, not everyone can be perfect."

Anya snorted. "Riight." But the second there was open air between them, that stupid tragedy she didn't want settled onto her chest like a relentless weight. And no matter how deeply she breathed, it only kept pushing down harder and harder until she felt like her ribcage was ready to crack. She admitted, twisting her fingers in knots, "It's not just Kaidan, though."

"I figured." Garrus twirled a loose strand of her hair. "I mean, I know the old team matters a lot to you, but not enough to make you that deadpan during the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy."

"Thanks, I sound so empathetic and loving."

Rolling his eyes, he said, "You know what I mean."

"I'd rather call you a dick. That sounds more fun." Anya kept looking at her fingernails, torn and coarse. Everytime she blinked, she just saw a new frozen face, a new husk. It was just easier to remember Kaidan's own face because those lines and eyes were ones she knew.

It was so much more painful to be haunted by faces she could barely map, turning them into these blurry, faceless members of the nameless dead that she couldn't save. Quietly, Anya said, "I forgot it looks like that."

"What?"

"Suffering. Death. I know I have the same brain, technically the same body, but it's like so much of my past feels like a movie I watched, not who I am now." While she knew better, while her head on his lap should be some sort of clue, Anya just kept staring at those slightly shaking fingertips, pulling and picking at all the things wrong with them. One tear, another, and her thumb was bleeding, but she just kept pulling, picking... "Horizon was awful, but what only made it worse was wondering if-"

Taking hold of her hands, Garrus leaned down a little closer, looking straight at her. "He's not right, Anya." He pressed his mouth to her forehead before sitting up straight. It was enough to make her look at him, soft angles and loving smile and strong shoulders. She could barely believe him when he said, "You're different, but you're still you."

He held her hands, but she could still feel her fingers, picked and pulled, removing all the pieces that shouldn't be there to reveal what was left. "Am I really? The old Shepard never got this emotional or-"

"You did. You just never believed anyone was serious about listening before." Sighing, Garrus just kept looking at her. He wouldn't stop. "I loved Tali, Wrex, all of them, just like you did. But they were all good, solid people. I think maybe finding more people just as broken as you makes you feel like you can be yourself with them. Or maybe just being out of the Alliance makes you feel that." He furrowed his brow and frowned, like he was trying so hard to say the right thing, but he wasn't sure. "I'm not saying that Cerberus is a some great social club instead of a terrorism cult, I'm just saying that you were under a lot of pressure. Sure, there's pressure here, too, but instead of being desperate to meet their expectations, you don't give a damn. You just take care of yourself and this team. It's different."

Anya let out a breath and said, "I guess you're right." Didn't make her skin feel any less unforgivably wrong, though.

"I am right. I'm the foremost expert on all things Commander Anya Shepard." That caught her off guard and she snorted. Garrus was a quick study, so he smirked and continued: "Could run the future museum if I wanted to. Add that to my list of favorite places to have a classy shoot-out."

Sitting up, Anya could see the slight romantic panic come on Garrus' face, and watch him just as quickly try to ignore it. She just smiled, feeling his breath on her cheeks. "I don't know how I tricked you into having feelings for me, but I don't know what I'd do without you."

He shrugged. "Probably the same things, just less stylishly."

"You're always on that knife's edge between awkward charmer and annoying egomaniac."

"Just doing my best. I'm not great with..." His eyes flicked to her lips, and then just as quickly away. "...this, so sarcasm and winging it is all I got."

Anya adjusted her position to be sitting next to him, looking into his eyes, but she also kept her face close. She really didn't want it anywhere else right now. "Regardless of your winging it... Thanks for being here."

"I knew you'd need me eventually, and I wanted to make sure I was here for that." Another glance towards her lips.

Smiling, Anya couldn't keep the flirty charade going. She already knew her cheeks were turning a deep pink. Remembering a couple other comforting nights where they ended up close, she said, "We've been here before."

"Yeah, except this time there shouldn't be any interruptions, like internal panic or a drunk Joker."

She snorted, albeit a little out of triumph. So, she wasn't insane on those nights. "So you did think about kissing me back then."

"Yeah, but thought it might be inappropriate to try to kiss your best friend while she's crying."

While it was the dumbest pick-up line ever, Anya was also the dumbest flirt to ever exist. So, shamelessly, she said, "I'm not crying now."

Garrus didn't need much other prompting. Pressing his mouth against hers, Anya moved even closer and put her hand on his face. Very lightly, her fingers traced the scars left on his cheek. He didn't wince, just put his hand on her waist. Maybe they were getting a hang of this.

But as she felt one of his talons tug a little at her hair, Anya couldn't help but wonder if she deserved to feel this way. And worse, if she even cared if she deserved it, because it just felt so...

Not meaning to, Anya started feeling tears come down her cheeks.

Garrus immediately disengaged, a panicked look on his face. "Oh fuck- What did I do? Are you hurt? Did I touch- I mean I didn't think I touched... Whatever I did, I didn't mean to, I swear."

"It's not you." Rubbing away the idiot tears on her face, Anya shook her head. "Everything's hard right now but here, with you? I'm happy."

She took a deep breath and tried to get a hold of herself. Sitting on her knees on her own couch, she was just a squishy human staring into the eyes of the most handsome Turian she'd ever met. Her hand stroked his scarred cheek again, this time seeing all the contours under her fingertips. All the things they'd gone through to make it this long, and they got to have this, too? "Maybe that's self-indulgent when other people are hurting and the whole purpose of my existence is to save the galaxy. I still believe in that purpose. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel good just being myself. If the galaxy was miraculously saved and I had nothing to do, I think I'd be okay, just being Anya with you."

"I like the sound of that." Wrapping an arm around her waist, Garrus pulled her closer. "How about next time we pass a space station, I take you dancing?" All it took was a second for him to get awkward and shake his head, all unsure. Anya wouldn't dare admit how endearing she found it now, that thoughtful uncertainty of his. "I- I remember how much it makes you happy, and after the past few weeks you've had, and that botched first date-"

Shutting him up to spare him some talking in circles, Anya said, "I'd love to."

"Cool, cool." He laughed before adding, "Not sure how to say this in any kind of sexy way, but can we go back to that kissing part?"

"Don't have to ask me twice, Garrus Vakarian."

And kissed him she did.

/

I enjoy getting to do a nice comfort episode after the stress of Kaidan. Dude's a mess, but at least Anya has a turian 3

Thanks as always for reading! And special sweet thanks to my patrons:

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	35. Part 2- Chapter 19: One Hell of a Dance

Anya Shepard didn't know how she got here, especially since she and Joker had reverted to warring siblings the past week or so, but she was sitting at her desk, waiting for said infamous pilot to come to her door.

When it pinged, and it slid open to show him giving a bemused smirk, she said, "Don't fucking laugh."

As if Joker heard absolutely nothing of what she just said, he snorted. With this annoying glint in his eye, he asked, "Why would I ever do that?"

Even though Anya sort of wanted to punch Joker in his stupid goddamn face for being such a feckless tool, she really had no one else to turn to.

After all, he was the only one who knew her little turian secret, and the same secret boyfriend was taking her to a bar on Illium tonight. Anya twisted her hands and mentally readied herself to kick his shin if he was too much of an asshole. "I need your help."

"Ooh, what an exciting day." Okay, that wasn't grounds for shin-kicking. The pilot walked into her room and leaned against the post across from her fish tank. It reminded her of hundreds of days at the Academy, with him chiding her for missing a class, failing a test, or crushing on some dumb cadet who'd never have time for her. And he even had that smirk going, where he always had some smartass thing to say. "What for, Pistol Princess?"

Taking a deep breath, Anya said, "Garrus is taking me on a date."

Joker raised an eyebrow, but left it at that. "Need me to cover for you?"

"Yes. But also I need advice."

"Advice?"

Anya felt pathetic admitting it, but she was already asking advice from a dirty-minded Alliance fly-boy who shoved his ass so far under her skin that she forgot sometimes why she cared about him so much.

But seeing him, standing here across from her, coming to her room just because she called, she figured she knew enough.

Rolling her eyes, Anya admitted, "You've dated more than I have. I'm .. rusty."

Joker crossed his arms, and Shepard really didn't like the dick-measuring look of pride. It was like a smirk mixed with self-inflated salt. "If by rusty you mean non-functioning, I know. I saw the training room catastrophe."When she glared, he winced. "Sorry, Anya. What can I do for you?"

In that simple question, Anya exhaled a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. "I don't know what to wear. I don't know how to... act."

Where he could've made at least five snide comments, Joker instead just asked, "What are you two doing?"

"Dancing."

"Oh, little Ballerina back in action?" Yet some people just couldn't help themselves. She hoped that her gaze pierced through his face, because she couldn't exactly throw a combat knife at him. Joker shrugged like some jilted little brother. "What? I could make a joke about your shit club dancing, but that's too easy. Ones about the little Russian tutu-master, though? That's unused ammunition."

"_Joker._"

The pilot threw up his hands and walked towards her comically small closet. Joker even mocked it with his hands, pantomiming a small box, before daring to look in. "Fine, fine. I'd say wear something that makes you feel pretty but is still comfortable. And just be yourself, honestly. If that man hasn't run screaming yet, between your fucking job or idiot mouth, some date awkwardness is not going to stop him."

"That was... surprisingly sweet."

"I have my moments." Grabbing a short maroon dress, Joker grimaced. Ladies fashion wasn't exactly his style, literally. In all the years she'd known him, she didn' even know if he knew much else other than the Alliance uniform.

At least they were the same, like that.

He turned said maroon dress her way, looking like he hadn't decided if it was a decent option or just a trick of the eye. "How about this?"

"That's... That could work."

"It better. It looks like the only dress your soldier ass has. Wasn't expecting to be swept off your feet by an equally dumbass turian, were you?"

"Not quite."

As he walked back towards the door, he asked, "Now that all?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Joker."

"Anytime. Now come back before curfew or I'll have to get out my shotgun and shoot his nuts off. Or whatever annoying brother-types say." He tossed her a wink. A salacious, uncomfortable, gross kind that made her feel like her insides were about to grow their own stomach just so they could vomit. "That or y'all better have some steamy excuses."

Anya was ready to hurl on the floor at her feet. She didn't want to think about Joker thinking of her doing anything "steamy" ever. Her nose wrinkled on instinct. "Gross. Go."

With a simple wave, Joker walked out of her room. "Don't have to tell me twice."

No matter how much she appreciated the morale support right now, the filthy taste in her mouth wasn't exactly sure that asking Joker for help was all that worth it anymore.

Everything in her would like to cringe and be uncomfortable about that end wink, but she was already running behind. She only had ten minutes until she had to meet Garrus in the Illium docking bay.

Trying to remember how the hell to do her hair, it was. She did her classic probably too heavy eyeliner and thanked the gods for her fairly clear skin, but the hair? She hadn't done anything to it since she was sincerely wanting to be a ballerina, not an Alliance soldier, over a decade ago.

Anya grimaced. Fuck, did that make her feel old.

Eventually, Anya gave up. She made sure it was clean, dry, and brushed, but that's all she had in her. That and being too smart to wear heels. Instead, she chose black stripey sandals that Ash had convinced her to buy literally years ago and she'd abandoned in her Alliance apartment.

Guess they finally were coming in handy.

Then, she got to the fun part: rushing there without looking like a breathless idiot.

Unlucky for her, no matter how well she paced herself, she was fucking breathless after she left the Normandy. But not for athletic reasons.

Right outside the doors, there he was, leaning into the metallic walls. His hands were twitching and fiddling, clad in gray and black, wearing what she was pretty sure was the turian equivalent of a dress shirt. Anya was half-ready to turn around and bury her face in decontamination, to cool down her helpless cheeks.

But she had a date to go on. Walking up to him, she cleared her throat. "Hi."

The only thing that made her feel better was that, the second he looked at her, he looked just as helpless. His blue eyes kept scanning her, up and down, somewhere in between flattering and some sort of overly-intense probe. "You look... very different." He gestured towards her feet. "You have legs!" Garrus brought his hand back up to his face, rubbing his jaw, this horrified look on his face. "Sometimes I regret having a mouth."

Anya wanted to giggle, ease the tension, but it just kept catching in her throat. "I'd laugh if I had the lung capacity to." Instead, she reached for his hand and held the rugged talons against her own. "You look nice... too."

"That's good."

Even though they were a bit out of step and she knew she already was a blushing pink rose as far as the face was concerned, Anya tried talking to keep her head straight. "So am I leading you in real dancing or are you just taking me out to laugh at me?"

"Seeing you dance is special. I wouldn't miss a shot to take you out to do it for real." Garrus shrugged, tugging her closer to kiss her forehead. It was nice, simple, almost like they were a normal couple and not two soldiers stumbling their way around everything. "Also, I'll be terrible, so I'm sure you'll enjoy dragging an idiot turian around the dance floor."

"I'd choose the idiot turian every day." Trying to salvage her tragic cheeks, Anya took a step or two back. She didn't let go of his hand, though. Holding it was really growing on her. She said, "Now let's get going or we'll never leave this room."

Garrus got this somewhat devious look in his eyes, and used that evil, wonderful voice to his advantage, talking low. "I mean-"

"Shhh pretend we're decent people."

"If role-playing's your thing..."

Anya laughed. Really laughed. Amidst all the mess of Kaidan and Horizon and god knows what else, laughing was something she needed to keep close to her heart. It kept her fucking sane, in this crazy galaxy.

Giving Garrus a sidelong glance, though, she knew it wouldn't be too hard to do. Not with him by her side, at least.

The turian dragged her around the pavilion, eventually settling on this swankier club that they kept passing when they visited the trade port, but never walked in. When they walked into the glittering entrance, with so many people sipping champagne instead of beer, rubbing elbows instead of bear-hugging their buddies, Anya felt very out of place.

But it didn't take long for her to know why Garrus would pick this place; it was crooning through her ears and warming up her heart with every string, every pluck.

As they entered the main room, with people gliding across the ballroom floor, she said, "If it wasn't for the good dance music, I'd say let's get the fuck out of here and go find a place with less manners."

"I figured Chora's Den might not have the best tunes for a Russian ballerina."

"You joked that the other night was Noveria 2.0. What is this? Training room invasion 2.0?"

They found themselves near the bar, but neither of them looked like they were rearing for a drink. Instead, Anya swore it more felt like they were idiot teenagers at a school dance waiting for someone else to make the first move. At least, she assumed that's what Garrus' twitching fingers were about. She knew that was what was hiding behind all her lame-ass hair twirling.

For the moment, though, she just couldn't stop staring at his smile and eyes, and how good it felt to hold onto his arm and lean into those broad shoulders like she never could before. He was quite the attractive walking stick.

And listening to him talk wasn't so bad, either. "Kinda. It was a good morning. Fucked up my perception of my sexuality a little, but dancing with you?" When his eyes met hers, he swallowed, his whole facial expression seizing up and getting awkward. It was depressing, how quickly she was falling for his awkwardness. Garrus scratched his neck with his free hand, this stilted laugh falling from his mouth. "Uh, it was good."

"Seeing me in my leotard really did it for you?"

Next time he looked right at her, though, that awkwardness was falling back in place of something else. Something that caught her by the throat; the mouth; the heart. "Seeing you did it for me." This time, when he looked her over, he was slow, burning, deliberate. Anya felt her skin heat up, and not quite the same way the blush did. "Hell, look at you."

Nearly choking on his sudden boldness, Anya said, "Stop being charming and let's start doing what we came here for." She used their holding hands to her advantage and dragged him towards the dance floor. "Instead, tell me you remember what I taught you."

When she turned back to look at him, and he placed his free hand on her hip, just like their first and only dancing lesson, that burning look hadn't left his eyes. He admitted, "Every second of it."

"Do you have that good of a memory, or did you really like me that much?"

"I'd love to brag about the former, but no. It was just you." Just as Garrus' face was walking a car crash level-line between awkward and terribly hot, he twirled her and caught her in his arms. Anya was about ready to melt through the damn floor, suddenly so close to those blue eyes. "Even learned a little bit on my own."

The all-body blush, sexy and awkward, made her take a step back to a more chaste position.

Not that she didn't like things less than PG but, the publicity of the whole thing made her pause on letting things get too steamy.

That, ahd she didn't know what to do with herself if things got very steamy.

Instead, she laughed, giggled, sounded like a silly, enamored teenage girl when she said, "Garrus Vakarian! You're full of surprises tonight."

"You don't know the half of it." Garrus winced. Man had a talent for saying slightly suggestive things, didn't he? "That didn't sound-"

"Let's just enjoy the dancing." But the second they were quiet again, his arms around her, their steps following a simple waltz, Anya couldn't help her curious mind filling the space. After all, if he got all hot and bothered about the ballet morning...

A little too awkward to look in his eyes, she stared at her feet and asked, "When did you know?"

"Know what?"

Fuck it. Her eyes met his, green on blue. "Know how you felt about me?" Shrugging, Anya tried to be more cool about it all, but it only made her stiffer and weirder. It was like even her body was embarrassed by her. "I-I mean, mine's painfully obvious. Noveria. But you kept your cards so close to your chest..." And that's where she kept her eyes, to that chest of his that she laid her chest on in so many hugs that she thought were meant to be platonic, and she was just being the inappropriate one, but maybe... "Unless things happened like they did...I don't think I ever would've figured it out."

"Which is tragic considering everyone else knew." Garrus sighed and startled her by brushing his forehead against hers, like the softest of kisses, an intimate meeting of skin. "I didn't get drunk and come to some great realization. You started out someone I admired. Then someone I could call my friend. Then, I realized I liked you more than anyone in the galaxy." His face close to hers, his breath on her face, he smirked. Anya could barely breathe. "But I guess that day in the training room was when I couldn't ignore the fact my feelings weren't so platonic anymore."

Her chuckle low and tainted by some feelings she didn't quite know how to manage, Anya said, "Guess I need some more leotards."

"Stop." Garrus groaned and rubbed his temple. "It's not that they- it's just-"

"I know." Realizing she'd been practically gluing her hands to his shoulders, those tall, broad parts of him that always caught her eye, she reddened a bit and moved her fingers. "If it equals the playing field, your shoulders really get to me."

He raised an eyebrow. "Shoulders?"

"I don't know, they're big and tall and... I can't explain it, okay?"

"You're attracted to an oddly specific mass of muscle, how cute."

Leading his steps across the dance floor, Anya scowled at the suddenly teasing turian. Guy couldn't pull himself together about leotards, but now that she was the target, that was fair, easy game, apparently. "I was trying to make you feel better, so fuck off, buddy."

"That was your mistake, giving me ammunition."

Anya glared at him. "Oh, I wish we were on the Normandy so I could take you to the training room and kick your ass."

In a startling turn of events, Garrus pulled her waist closer to him and that devilish smirk grew. "Just trying to get close to me, huh?" Anya's arms prickled at the thought; she exhaled in anticipation. Because that wasn't a look she'd ever seen him give her before, like he was thinking of all the things he could do to her, and she couldn't look away from him. To make matters worse, he even leaned his face closer, whispering onto her neck, "Because that could get interesting."

If this turian wanted to get her riled up, he was succeeding. Anya raised an eyebrow and countered, "You wish, Vakarian." But when he looked at her, he didn't look like her clever, bantering best friend. He was something powerful and damn near irresistible.

Holy fuck, she wasn't going to survive life, with him daring to cross that adorkable line all the way over to sexy.

And with that damned voice of his, he said, "Oh, I do, Shepard."

Anya tried to still keep the sexy banter going, even though she was about ready to shut him up the best way she knew how. Her new favorite way, that normally involved closets and her bedroom, but she'd settle for anywhere right now. "Ah, I see, so you dream of being pinned down on the ground by a better soldier."

He raised an eyebrow. "Only one way to see who'd be pinning who."

Her breathing a little out of sync, and her heart completely off any sort of rhythmic chart, Anya bit her lip and offered, "I don't think it would be a crime to cut this date short, would it?"

Garrus seemed just as drunk on their conversation as she was. "We could get out of these fancy clothes, reserve the training room, prove who kicks the most ass. Probably me, but I'd be more than happy to see you try."

Pulling him off the dance floor, she nodded. "You're on." Anya turned back towards him and ran her hand up his arm, cupped his face with her palm. She was starting to love that, feeling every groove of him pressed into her hand, making him so tangible and everything they'd been through so real. She admitted, with her own voice low, "Worst comes to worse, we could always hold a tie-breaker back in my-"

Suddenly, she heard a gun shot behind her.

Both their heads swiveled towards two Blue Suns idiots standing at the entrance of the club, looking pretty damn drunk. Whatever small part of her was a sexy woman trying to get somewhere tonight groaned and died. They couldn't even end their own date early without something fucking it up, could they?

The shorter of the men, with a scraggly, stupid beard, yelled, "Heard some buddies of Zaeed's are here tonight! Well, we want you to send him a message that we want him dead." Then he chuckled, chucking his beer bottle at the wall. "Assuming you're not dead first, of course."

Shepard groaned and pulled them both behind cover. Pulling up her skirt a little, she brought her pistol out of her thigh holster and prepped it for shooting. "Oh for fuck's sake. Can't even get a little sexy without shit going sideways."

Next to her, Garrus was also fiddling with something at his waist. "If it counts, I think you were doing well with the sexy thing."

"Not the time, Garrus."

"Just trying my best here." Snorting, he finally seemed to get straight whatever he was pulling at. "I'd make a joke about you bringing a pistol on our date but-" A quick glance over, and Garrus had a full on sniper-rifle out.

Even though she didn't mean to, or inherently wanted to, Anya laughed. "Gotta admit, the sniper's hot."

"Leotards, shoulders, snipers. Got it."

Her laugh was followed by another uncontrollable snort. Normal people didn't transition from "ready to bone" to shootout ready in a matter of seconds. Shooting through the second Blue Suns' helmet, Anya said, "There's something wrong with us."

"I dunno, I think we're pretty great." Very timely, Garrus shot through the main drunk idiot's face, ending this short, but stupid, confrontation. "And with that, Blue suns are all fucked off."

Just as the firefight ended, and the adrenaline stopped pumping through her veins, Anya felt a sharp pain in her right arm. When she looked, there was a tear in the arm of her dress and a new blood red line forming on her skin. "Ugh, fuck, they grazed my arm. What a time to wear a dress instead of my suit and shields."

They took a few moments to make sure everyone at the club was okay before walking out and ducking into an alley to deal with the other part of their problem.

Side by side, Garrus leaned over her open omni-tool and asked, "Time to ask Zaeed some questions?"

"Yes."

The tool dialed, and Anya would be damned if the merc wasn't going to answer. If he didn't, she'd have to shoot his door open on the Normandy and punch him herself.

But lucky for her, Zaeed answered their call, albeit looking pretty pissed off about it. "Hey, merc asshole, why are some of your Blue Suns friends hunting us down and shooting at us? Hmm?"

He scowled. "That business is mine. If you want to get fucking involved, take me to murder Vido." And then he hung up. Like an asshole.

"Cool." Anya frowned and wasn't too happy about how many Blue Suns might be heading their way on revenge gambits. It meant they really did have to deal with Vido, and ASAP. Worst part was, though, it really put something steamy on the backburner of their priorities.

When she looked up at Garrus, he was so close, so handsome, and so much of everything she could ever want. But she had to be the Commander, at the end of the day. With a sigh, she said, "I'd love to go do that... thing we talked about but-"

"But you're bleeding and Chakwas wouldn't be too happy about leaving scars. And we also have to deal with the Blue Suns bullshit."

"I dunno, I wouldn't mind having a few more of my own. Maybe we could just stay here in this secluded alley and-" Even though he seemed to enjoy her touch, his face frowned like the unfortunately responsible person he was. Most days, she loved that about him. But when it came to them having time together... Anya groaned. "I know, I know."

Garrus was so close she could feel his breath on her left cheek. "Hate to say it but-"

"Raincheck?"

The turian mirrored her groan. "One day we'll have a good date."

"I think we're forever doomed to have things go haywire, be it a mission or a date. And I don't know if I'm insane but... I enjoyed it. So, before we go..." Anya pushed off the wall and stood in front of him. She got on her toes and pressed her mouth to his, trying to place all the excitement and enjoyment left in her body into this one kiss. Though she wanted to give him more, it had to be enough for now. When she pulled away, it was disappointing to say the least. But he was smiling. "Thanks for taking me dancing."

Garrus stood straight and smoothed out his shirt. "Thanks for wanting to dance with me."

"Now, let's get me healed up and deal with Zaeed being an asshole, shall we?"

/

The transition between awkward and sexy is one I know too well and have WAY too much fun writing

But oh boy WHAT a cock block

Who knows what might happen past this point though, right?

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See you on Saturday

He gestured out of the alleyway, and back towards their ever chaotic lives as the heroes of the goddamn galaxy. Garrus and Anya would have to stay on the dance floor; it was time to be Shepard and Vakarian. "Lead the way, Commander."


	36. Part 2- Chapter 20: Needless Seduction

If Anya said it'd been a laid back few days, she'd be a fucking liar.

Almost the second she and Garrus came back from their date, they changed out of their less practical outfits and started meeting with Zaeed to plan their assault on Vido's complex. While they survived their dumb encounter, they didn't need various Normandy crewmembers getting jumped whenever they dared to step foot on any space station the Blue Suns had a foothold in.

Which, tragically, was most of them.

And to throw another monkey wrench in her sanity, on their way they ran into a Quarian distress beacon; Tali, trapped on a planet's surface, fighting off some asshole Geth.

Of course they went down and helped her, and Anya was more than thrilled when she said she'd stay.

But that meant one more thing to keep track of, as the tension in her bones kept building.

Maybe getting all worked up about her secret boyfriend that she couldn't get alone time with was a wildly dumb mistake.

All she wanted was to blow off some steam, for fuck's sake, and did he always have to shoot her those glances like he'd love to go disappear somewhere dark and sound-proof?

The real cake-topper was that, the night before getting to Vido's hideout, Anya had been hoping to get Garrus alone, maybe have a little... chat about what they talked about. Just as she hoped to corner him, maybe ask him to "grab dinner in her quarters to look over some reports", Tali and Chakwas surprised her with some elaborate meal of her favorite foods.

Tali called it the "Shepard's not dead" party.

So, Anya had to give this pained fake smile of thanks to the sweetest quarian she ever knew. And she felt fucking dirty, being so desperately sexually frustrate while looking at Tali. Not that Tali wasn't hot, if Anya didn't see her like a little sister she could totally be into her. But since she did give said little sister vibes, Anya felt like an absolute deviant.

When she finally finished her plate, Shepard needed to cut these wonderful people loose. And fast. Several days without so much as touching Garrus was starting to drive her a little insane, especially with where they left it off.

Clearing her throat, she pushed her plate away. "Tali, Chakwas. That was delicious. And I'd love to stay longer, but before our mission tomorrow, Garrus and I have some reports to go over, so-"

As she cracked her back, stretching and standing up, a previously oblivious Grunt looked up and peered at her and Garrus, the only two leaving the table. And, much to Anya's horror, he asked, "Where are you going? Off to have sex with the turian?"

Her breath, her heart rate, they all screeched to an indefinite stop. "Pardon?"

Grunt rolled his eyes, taking another bite of food. "You. The turian. Always running off together. Intercourse, right?"

Technically, Anya answered honestly, but was unable to look Garrus in the eye next to her. "We're not having sex."

"Your scents are all over each other all the time. And you always duck out into the hallways when we hang out, are gone for half an hour, and then come back smelling all intertwined. It's gross." With the silence around him, Grunt finally scanned the room, the other wide-eyed, open-mouthed faces and blinked a couple times. "What, didn't everyone else know?"

"I-"

Finally, the person she wanted to speak up the least started rolling in his chair, cackling. Anya glared at Joker, but it wasn't enough. "Holy fuck, you just got outed by a baby Krogan for "fucking the turian"! This is the best moment of my life."

"I have not fucked the turian." Getting a pit in her stomach, she looked to Garrus, who seemed equally... overwhelmed. But seeing him, and knowing what she wanted, she was desperate for him not to get the wrong idea. Anya said, "I mean, not-"

Joker interrupted her sputtering, saying, "Shepard, please stop, it hurts to watch from here."

In the end, all she could do was stare down at her feet. She couldn't look at them, this crew she'd been lying to for weeks. Anya felt weird and exposed and uncomfortable and... Clenched fists, she accepted that she put herself in this situation. "This wasn't exactly how I wanted to tell everyone about our... relationship."

A few seats down the table, Mordin asked, surprise raising the pitch of his voice, "You mean we weren't supposed to know?"

_Oh, how big could that pit in her stomach grow?_

Daring to look up from the ground, she realized there were a lot less shock faces and more awkward grimaces and entranced stares going on than she expected. Every muscle in her body seized up, and if this meant what she thought this meant, she swore she would fucking vomit. With trembling lips, she asked, "What do you mean?"

Zaeed tried and failed to stifle a laugh, leaning back in his chair. "Everyone has a "Shakarian" story, love. We've all known for weeks."

"I caught you two leaving a storage closet," Jacob said, looking between his hands and her face like he was guilty of something.

Her beloved Quarian piped in and said, "I watched you flirt while grabbing breakfast this morning."

Kicking her feet up on the table, Jack scowled. "I was trying to mind my own damn business in engineering but you fucks were always talking mushy or making out. Never could sneak up and get any fucking snacks."

One hand writing notes on a datapad, Mordin didn't even bother to look up when he spoke. "I was waiting for the admission to get my free sample testing about your... relations." Anya got a funny feeling that what he was typing right now was probably even more notes and observations about their "relations".

Feeling absolutely sick to her stomach, Anya leaned forward onto the table. "Oh my god." She could feel Garrus very lightly patting her shoulder, but boy did that not help right now. And she thought she was doing her best to be sneaky...

As she was ready to vomit up her delicious dinner, Miranda placed a hand on hers and tried to give her a reassuring smile. "For the record, I wasn't that sure."

Her fellow Cerberus officer snorted. "Please, Miri. Just last week you were telling me you'd bet they'd accidentally admit it to everyone in a few days. You were right, per usual."

Anya was going to quit. She was going to move to a secluded beach very far away from here, change her name, maybe never date again.

Just as she was starting to feel less awkward about the whole romantic situation, and here she was, screaming inside.

Where everyone else seemed to be somewhat tip-toeing around her discomfort, Joker was still snacking and laughing at her, like the asshole he was. "Boy was it sweet to finally win all the bets I placed, right Tali?"

"All the bets...?" Desperate for someone to say this was all an elaborate, early April Fool's joke, she looked to Tali.

But Tali's look of disappointment, the slight embarrassment and guilt that she could see from the way her eyes drooped, turned Shepard from nauseous to wanting to curl up on the ground and die.

No beach getaway needed. She'd just end it here.

"Sorry, Shepard. I've had a bet running with Joker since the last Normandy. Unfortunately, he won."

Shaking her head, Anya asked, her voice hitched, "What were you betting on?"

"I figured you two would never get caught. Infiltrator, snipers, and all."

And the pilot was grinning wide, like he just hit the jackpot all over again. Anya wasn't sure at this point if she should murder him or at least be thankful he was enthuastic about her love life, unlike the thousand-yard stares she was getting from everyone else. Joker said, "She paid up through the extranet the second Jacob came running down the halls saying you left the main battery looking like a human bottle rocket."

Shrugging her shoulders, Anya just accepted that her credibility with this crew was dead. She was just the turian-fucking joke to them.

And she wasn't even getting the benefits of that.

This was the Normandy dating pool all over again, but worse, because her fears were actually coming true. Pushing off the table, Anya said, "I think I'm going to go kill myself now."

Behind her, Garrus put his hand back on her shoulder. "Anya-"

The Quarian took the lead, though, talking over him. "Shepard, don't feel bad. We only tease you because we love you. Or at least, very much like you." Of all the things making her feel like shit, Tali's adorable smile at least made her a little less sick to her stomach. "I'm at least happy I got to be here for the real reveal."

Honestly, after scanning Tali's face and only seeing genuine love, she started to scan the room. While it was all mixed with different levels of snark, it wasn't the kind that hated her. They were all smiling because they were loving this.

So, maybe she wanted to die, but at least that was... something. Anya sighed."I appreciate all the kind looks of support I'm getting right now, but I also just feel like a disgusting, embarrassed teenager so I think I need a shower."

Jack tipped her head back in her chair and chuckled. "I mean, you're not wrong. Some of that tonsil hockey-"

With her biotics, Miranda threw a cloth napkin at the ex-felon's face. "Shut up, Jack." When she met Anya's eyes again, they were soft. Miranda gestured to the table. "We'll clean up dinner without you."

"I'm gonna-" Garrus, now finally piping up as she walked away, just groaned and gave up. "Not make an excuse because clearly who gives a fuck anymore."

And he followed her to the elevator.

When the doors shut behind them, it was the first moment she got alone with him in days. But instead of getting steamy, she now just felt like an itchy leper. Staying squarely in the corner, she finally let out a heavy, horrified breath. "They all knew."

"Seems so."

Anya shoved her face in her hands, hoping the artificial black hole of her palms could swallow up everything she was feeling. Sure, she wasn't barred from having a romantic life. But she was supposed to keep very separate from her team.

And yet hers just chatted about it over dinner. "I have never been more embarrassed in my life."

"I know I don't do the cute blush thing like you, but trust me, if I could, I would be."

With a helpless snort, Anya pushed off the elevator wall. After all, the door was open and there was no reason to stay in the small square room, where the awkwardness seeped into her pores like an illness. When they walked through her doorway, she finally felt a bit like herself again. "I guess we don't have to try to sneak around anymore. We could just go to each other's rooms and hold hands when we want like normal couples." The words that fell out of her mouth felt wrong the second she said them.

As she started to peel off her very constricting top, Garrus cleared his throat next to her.

Anya had no excuse there. She totally spaced. But she pulled down her shirt, red cheeks and all.

Laughing at her, Garrus asked, "So, do I get to see this shower or...?"

She pointed towards her mattress. There was only so much complete awkwardness and embarrassment she could take for one day. While it eventually sounded nice, in theory, stripping in front of her boyfriend was not something she was in a good headspace for.

"You lay on the bed and cover your eyes like a good boy, mister."

Garrus saluted her and walked away. "Yes, Ma'am."

Even though she trusted him, she still waited until she saw him lounge and put his talons over his eyes. Then, she finally turned on the water and stripped away her clothes covered in embarrassment sweat.

She moaned when she got under the showerhead, half out of hot-water ecstacy, the other half being the relief of finally being in her own room, away from prying eyes. Louder than the searing shower, she said, "I'm mortified. I don't know if I can ever look them in the eyes again." Splashing her face, she sputtered with the nervous laughter she couldn't get out of herself downstairs. "Oh god, and the fact Grunt thought we were sneaking off to have sex?" While she was washing her hair out, there was an odd and precarious silence in response to her words. "Garrus?"

From behind her desk, she heard him ask, "I mean, would it be terrible if we did?"

Staring up at the water pouring down at her, she tried not to get all breathless and bothered about what he was implying. Instead, she swallowed that down and gave a simple answer. "I guess not." That, and she moved onto the conditioner. Massaging her scalp was as soothing as a shower got.

"The confidence in your voice would make any man feel real good about himself."

"No it's not-" Washing out her hair, Anya said, "Garrus, of course I've thought about it. Hell, after our dancing date, I'm pretty sure we both were-"

"Ah yes, that was good."

"I-" Anya shut off the water. No matter how long she could stand under the spray, they were having an important conversation and it could wait. She wrapped herself in her robe and walked out, towel-drying her hair best she could. Garrus was just sitting there, looking somewhere between amused, bemused, and concerned. She sighed. "I mean, of course I want to. But unfortunately we need to be a little more careful than most people."

Chuckling, he patted the spot beside him on the bed. She sat down. Despite the awkward topic, it made it half-okay, talking it over with just him now. "You read up on the rashes and uh, chafing, too?"

"Among other things."

"Sexy."

Anya stared into her hands. The other day, she was ready to fuck all the consequences and do whatever she was going to do with him in the first secluded place they could find. But now? That felt a little too un-Commander Anya Shepard-like for her tastes. When the hell did she go around, fucking in random places out of desperation?

Not even when she was a cadet did she feel like this.

Their entire relationship was like the Wild West to her. "What if we picked up those things for... Next time?"

"Or we could just die in a glorious fashion."

Snorting, Anya said, "We're both a little too tragically responsible for that." But she did sidle up next to him, as close as she could be without turning it explicitly "press up on a person" sexy. She kissed his cheek, hoping it helped make her point. "I promise it'll still be good."

"Oh with you? I know it'll be good." Garrus shrugged, his intonation flippant but those blue eyes of his just as shaky as hers felt. "That, or it'll be the most awkward, tragic interspecies mistake and we'll never be able to look each other in the face again but, you know, I think you're worth the risk."

Even though they started out laughing, and he still was the person she trusted most in the galaxy, when the giggling petered out there was still this unshakable tension between them. The kind you got when losing your virginity, not trying to talk out sex logistics with your best friend-turned-boyfriend. One deep sigh later, Anya asked, "So we're doing this? Sometime vaguely in the near future?"

He pressed his forehead against hers. "As long as you keep saying yes and meaning it."

"That's something I can do." But then she grabbed one of his hands, pulled her face away, trying to gauge his reaction to what she was about to say. "You sure I'm not pressuring you? I mean, I'm your Commander and-"

"And shut up, Anya, you're adorable. And sexy. And I'm not pressured. Nervous, sure, but not that." She kissed him. She knew it wasn't exactly sending the right, "be prepared" message, but she needed him to feel that, everything she was feeling. When she pulled away, he was smiling, and that was all she needed. "Now are you going to get dressed so we can watch more Bond and not think about the shitshow downstairs or am I going to sit on this bed talking to a distractingly almost naked woman?"

Hopping off the mattress, she said, "The former." Anya grabbed her pajamas and went behind her desk to change. While Garrus had probably seen more of her than she'd like to admit already, she wasn't quite ready for all of it. "I can't wait to show you what 007 gets up to this time."

In the meantime, Garrus moved to the couch for proper viewing pleasure. When she peeked around the corner, he even had his arm already tucked behind the cushions next to him, like he was waiting for her to snag that spot snuggled into his side.

Garrus asked, "Let me guess. More needless seduction?"

Smirking, Anya flopped into the couch next to him, where she belonged. "Always needless seduction."

/

AHHHHH as I've pegged their relationship totally awkward middle school, I had to have an actual "talk about it" segment.

Oh, and also the Patrons voted that Grunt reveal the relationship and it was SUCH a good set-up. Thanks y'all!

Anyway, thanks very much for reading and double thanks to those patrons:  
Danyell Jones  
Amy Connolly

See you Wednesday!


	37. Part 2- Chapter 21: Floatation Device

When she first thought of bringing Joker along with her to the Citadel, she didn't realize it'd be so much like walking a very loud bull through a china shop. Not that he broke everything, but he "jokingly" threatened to all the time, because what would one expect from ole brittle bones?

Anya would've smacked him if she wasn't so sure half his "brittle bones" jokes weren't bizarre, deep-seeded childhood deflection tactics from old bullying wounds. Or if she wouldn't possibly break said bones from slapping him.

Then she'd really have to bite the bullet and pay for that one. She'd done it before, and she wasn't too keen on doing it again.

They were walking around the Citadel quite aimlessly, trying to find something to placate Zaeed after their botched last mission. They saved an entire factory's worth of people, but they let his Vido slip through their fingers.

Safe to say, the old man was pissed and she wanted to make it up to him.

So, here they were. Present shopping. Something she was _so_ good at.

Next to her, trying to avoid touching anyone, Joker fondled a penguin plush and asked, "When did your genius ass think I was the best companion for this?"

Swiping the penguin from his hands, she put it back on the shelf. Stuffed animals couldn't file harassment claims, so she'd stop him for the poor thing. What was with him and bird feet? "I figured you'd have the best idea of what to get a foul-mouthed, grumpy old man."

"Why?"

"Well, if you had better legs, I'm pretty sure he'd be your future."

"I'm not sure if I'm flattered or insulted."

Anya shrugged. She wouldn't mind growing up to be like Zaeed, even with the miss eye. It was kinda badass. But there was also the whole "friendless asshole who had weird romantic feelings for his gun" part that made him a little less appealing. "Both are applicable."

"Well, if you want my honest opinion, a gift is not going to make Zaeed forgive you."

Even though they were only on their third shop, with Shepard shuffling around looking at everything and anything like an idiot, she put down the snowglobe in her hand. The kind of things you buy weren't exactly what made old Zaeed feel fuzzy inside. She knew because other than Jessie (the aforementioned sexy rifle) was the only real material possession the man gave a rat's ass about.

And she was pretty sure he'd find any sort of sentimental gun an insult to her dominion in his heart.

Crossing her arms, Anya admitted, "I know." Then, she turned to Joker. She wished she could've made Zaeed happy; that she could've let him shoot Vido right through the skull himself. But seeing all those people in the fire, screaming... "I couldn't let them die, though."

They exited the shop and instead started walking the streets. While Joker couldn't walk very fast, she knew he liked to stretch his legs every once in awhile. In Academy, he was the only one who insisted he needed to try the mile run.

Dude did it in a fabulous eleven minutes, but the fact he did it at all reminded the sergeants that Jeff Moreau wasn't fucking around about wanting to be the best pilot he could be, Vrolik's and all.

Walking side by side, her favorite pilot said, "Of course you couldn't. But if you want him to trust you, you probably need to find Vido again."

Anya snorted. It took a dozen cascading Cerberus contacts and a few bribes to find the guy the first time. "Easier said than done."

But just then, Joker stopped short. Her eyes were trained on his face, worried if something started hurting the exact wrong way. "Are you okay? Is it your-"

Instead of pain, all she saw was panic on his face as he shook his head. "Anya, we have a problem." He grabbed her arm and pulled her into an alleyway with a bunch of crates in it. Joker even pulled her behind said cover, like they were hiding from an target.

If this was Garrus, there would be other intentions. However, she and the pilot weren't exactly the steamy type. With his thigh pressed against hers, she opened her mouth. But he shook his head again. "Just stay behind this and don't ask questions."

Rolling her eyes, Anya tried to walk out of the alley, but he grabbed her arm. This was very unlike him. "Joker, what the-"

But then she saw her. Graying hair. Stiff, proud shoulders. Two laser-sharp eyes, one green, one gray. She was with someone, probably a fellow Captain, looking as serious as ever. But she had the faintest smile on the corner of her lips, that went well with her high-ranking Alliance uniform.

Without any hesitation, Anya stepped back into the shadows. "Oh."

"Yeah. I figured you didn't want... that... to be a surprise."

Unable to breathe quite right, she just was doing her best to keep her shaking fingers under control. "Thanks." But it didn't seem to be enough. She closed her eyes, pressed her fists into her thighs, but nothing made her feel so overwhelmed. When she opened her eyes again, all she could look at was that spot across from their hiding spot, where she saw Oksana Shepard for the first time in years. "She was right there. She just passed us." Quieter, she said, "I've never felt more like a ghost in my life."

Joker nudged her shoulder. "You can go to her, if you want."

"I can't." Luckily, the ship was in the other direction. Grabbing hold of Joker's elbow, she took him out of there as fast as possible.

She couldn't deal with that right now. Instead, she just needed to go home.

This time, dressed down and twirling her hair into knots, she was ready for him. She figured Joker wouldn't know how to deal with the face she made, and he'd send in reinforcements.

Garrus was at her door within a half hour.

She didn't say anything, just pulled him into her room and into her arms.

"She's your mother. Why haven't you contacted her?"

Anya sighed and stared at the picture on her desk, at that no-shit woman who raised her. "If we don't come back from the relay, I didn't want her to have to lose me twice."

In his arms, she felt safe. But did she deserve to feel safe, after looking at her mother and walking away? Garrus kissed the top of her head and asked, "You were close, weren't you?"

Struggling to bear the mix of guilt and sacrifice, she walked out of his grasp and towards her fish tank. Her nigh-unkillable goldfish were easier to look at than someone she cared about. Especially when she was keeping the first person to care about her in abject darkness. "In our way, yeah. She was the first person I called when they made me Spectre. But Mom's lost enough without putting her through emotional turmoil for a daughter who might not stay alive."

Even though she walked away from him, Garrus was soon behind her, rubbing her shoulders, nuzzling her neck. "Wouldn't it be worth it to see her, just in case it was the last time?"

It was meant to have a bite to it, but when she spoke, she just ended up sputtering. "What do you know about me and my mother?"

"I know she was devastated at the funeral. Was even hiding in the bar with me when the service got to be too much." His arms wound around her waist, like a turian flotation device. It was pretty accurate to how he felt most days, keeping her afloat. "She wanted to make sure you were happy, when you were alive."

Anya snorted, an embarrassing mix of snot and tears. "I hope she wasn't weird."

"Oh, she was weird. Got upset we weren't having sex because she said you needed it. But she was happy you had a family on the Normandy." In the circle of his arms, Anya finally turned around to look at him. If he suffered through Oksana's sex talk, he deserved that much. It didn't hurt that his blue eyes made her feel like she could survive the screaming in her head. "I know this is your call, Anya, but if I had one more day with my mom, I'd take it."

"You're not wrong." Laughing, Anya shoved her face in her hands. How many times were they going to end up like this, her crying and him untangling all the knots? She shook her head and kissed his nose. "Jesus, we need to get you some problems. I feel like we always talk about me."

"Well, resurrection and leading the charge to save the galaxy takes precedence."

"It might feel that way, but it shouldn't. So tell me things." She kissed his cheek, his forehead, whatever she could get her lips on without losing sight of his damned helpful smile. "How about the time I was gone? And not because I want to know about how you felt about me. I want to know about you. You always still look so hurt."

Even though Garrus normally brushed her off with a joke, Anya seemed to have caught him out when he was more vulnerable, caring for her. He swallowed and looked like he didn't want to dredge it up, but after some long glances around the room, at her, face, he sighed.

Garrus pressed his forehead against hers and said, "Because it did fucking hurt." He shook his head, like drilling in this information into her head. That, or trying to rub it out of his own. "I choked out Kaidan. I spent forty days getting drunk on Omega. I turned my back on everything I ever wanted to be, Spectre or C-Sec. I didn't know one person could ever affect me so much."

Each new thing on the list stabbed her a little further in the heart. She stopped the kissing, the cutesy-ness. She just wanted him to know she had him, just like he always had her.

So, smooth as always, she held her arms tight to the back of his shoulders. She'd be his parachute. With a long, deep breath, she asked, "And your family?"

"My dad still doesn't understand. Sol tries to, but in a helplessly supportive sister way." Garrus tucked some of her hair behind her ears, a feeling she was getting used to. "I always felt alone, like the way I looked at the world was different than everyone I knew. But the Normandy changed that." He chuckled, and the sound against her ear made everything feel a little better. She hoped her smile against his chest did the same thing for him. "Tali and I had a stupidly long conversation about it a few nights ago. You helped us find who we wanted to be, even if you didn't mean to."

Garrus leaned back to look down at her, and Anya pulled her face from his heartbeat so they could get a direct line of sight. But it didn't seem like he was trying to find anything on her face, try to figure her out.

He just wanted to see her, as she was.

If anything, she felt lucky to see him.

The turian shrugged and continued, "Like anyone else, I have years of childhood trauma I can talk through. But the difference between you and me is that I only found myself a few years ago. You understood the difference between who you were and what the galaxy needed you to be your entire life, and you fight every day to make sure those don't fuck each other up." He ran his fingers through her hair, and Anya was starting to think it was just as soothing to him as it was to her. Like it, long and unkempt, connected them when things got tough. "If I need anything, I'll come to you. But otherwise, I'm happy to help the woman who saved me. I'm just lucky that I got to fall for her, too."

Guess he was also lucky that she couldn't help herself and kissed him the second he stopped talking.

Maybe he was right. Maybe Oksana deserved more, even if Anya couldn't promise she'd stay alive.

But for now, all she wanted to do was revel in this wonderful man's arms. And one day, when he needed her the most, she could be ready to do anything to support him.

Pulling her mouth away, she said, "I-"

Her words were cut off by her annoying, pinging door, though. Who the hell was even bothering her at this hour? It was the middle of the afternoon. Unless Rupert made dinner way too early, or someone was breaking her "message me first" rule, there should not be a single soul up here.

Not except her and Garrus, of course.

Groaning, she pulled out if his arms and walked over to let whoever the hell it was inside. All the "Shakarian" jokes later be damned.

As it opened, she asked, "What?"

There, in front of her, was exactly not what she expected to see. Or wanted to see, to be frank.

With this guilty, puppy dog look on his face, Joker grimaced and said, "I'm sorry, Shepard. I couldn't stop her."

The real kicker was behind him, though, the serious, unsmiling face of Oksana Shepard. Both eyes stared straight into her damn soul and Anya felt like her own blood curdled, froze, on contact. Every apology, every guilty feeling, was bubbling through her body and making her feel like she might as well throw up every meal she'd had today into her toilet.

Instead, she stood her ground and, with a shaky breath, said, "Hello, Mama."

/

Not my best chapter, and not my best editing, but I really wanted to have some lead-up into this Oksana confrontation Take care of yourselves, everyone 3 Thanks as always for reading and thanks to my patrons: Danyell Jones Amy Connolly See you Saturday!


	38. Part 2- Chapter 22: Oksana

The last time Oksana Shepard looked at her daughter with such a pissed off face, it was when Anya tried to tell her she didn't really want to join the Alliance.

Considering how well that turned out, the Commander was understandably terrified.

Without being invited in (though she didn't expect her mother to ever feel the need to ask), Oksana walked into the doorway, like personally ensuring that Anya couldn't shut it on her. Her mother and her hadn't had this kind of power-play exchange since she was a teen.

She really was in trouble, wasn't she?

Up on her moral high ground, Oksana glared down at her daughter, and her child felt the guilt and remorse tied to that look in every nerve ending. Looking up at her made Anya feel like a child. "And to think, my daughter was alive all this time and no one thought to tell me."

Behind her, Joker said, "I'm gonna go-"

That glare only thinned, not even bothering to look at the pilot. "You can go now, Jeff, but don't you dare think I'm done with you yet."

"Y-Yes Ma'am." Giving a makeshift salute, he mouthed "I'm sorry" to Anya, and fucked right off.

If she didn't understand how scary her mother could be, Anya might've killed him.

But she preferred keeping constant eye contact with the very threatening woman in front of her. After all, looking up the few inches to Oksana's face needed constant attention to maintain sanity. Abya was pretty sure the woman perfected murdering a person with her eyes alone.

She could've started the conversation, but she knew better than that. Instead, she waited.

After a prolonged minute of silent glaring, Oksana finally said, "After I saw Joker acting suspicious on The Citadel, only to disappear seconds later, I went to see Anderson. The plan was to get out of him why my favorite pilot quit the Alliance and was acting like a shitty spy, but instead I got a lot more information." Raising an eyebrow, her mother added, "Bold of you to think I couldn't crack that man like an egg, Detenysh."

"Mama, listen-"

"No, Anya Elise Shepard. You listen. You dared to die on me and I had to accept I raised a soldier and that was a risk we both promised to take. But coming back and letting me fester in the darkness was not the right thing to do. I raised you better."

Where Anya was already used to burying her annoyance and indignation, the guilt really pummeled any of that away, only leaving her with empty hands and no good excuses. The only thing left that was even close to an excuse was the only thing she kept telling herself, each time she even thought about finding Captain Shepard of the Marakov.

Exasperated, Anya said, "Anderson said you were undercover, in deep space. What was I to do?"

Oksana didn't seem phased by her answer. "I know your capabilities, Anya, so you know you could've found me. So here's the real answer: chase me down. Take over my ship. Not get involved with this Cerberus nonsense. The Marakov doesn't give a damn, Anya, we would have risked the wrath of the Alliance to support you." With a sigh, she pinched the bridge of her nose. Anya hadn't felt like a child being scolded in over a decade, yet here she was. "But it's too late for that, by now. So you will just have to make it up to me from this moment on." Her mother's eyes flicked past Anya finally, to the turina awkwardly trapped behind this mother/daughter confrontation. As a Commander and girlfriend, Anya didn't love Garrus seeing her like this, so flaccid in the face of her mom. Oksana just waved. "Also, nice to see you again, Vakarian. Though I do have a few questions about why you're in my daughter's quarters."

Before the poor, tongue-tied, awkward man could crash them into an uncomfortable conversation, Anya walked over to him and pulled him towards the exit. "Just going over reports. But with this interruption, you should go and get some calibrating done." She pushed his back through the door, and he gave this sympathetic, ever-so-charming brow raise. But this was not the time for his big-hearted, endless support. "Just go. I got this." Once her mom was finally out of the doorway, and she was able to shut it behind him, she turned back to the overwhelming mother in question. "Now, Mama, you can't-"

The second the metal clicked closed, leaving the two truly alone, Oksana pulled her into a hug. It was so tight and so overwhelming that Anya felt her eyes well up the second those muscular arms wrapped around her. She didn't realize how much she'd needed it. "You stupid, beautiful girl." Pulling back, Oksana cupped Anya's face, rubbing away the stray tear or two running down her cheeks. On the other hand, Oksana let hers flow freely. "I can't believe I get to have you back."

Stunned, Anya wasn't sure if she'd ever seen her mother cry before.

A little too confused to process things, the undead daughter started to ask, "What the-"

"Do you not remember?"

Then it clicked. She could picture it clear as day, countless times where Anya would insult rude soldier or steal all the cookies. And when she was confronted, her mother would cross her arms, look stern, tell her to stop being a bad girl.

That is, until they got alone.

Anya sputtered, realizing this was like the high five she got when she kicked Ensign Nichols in the shins for calling her a bad dancer. "I thought I would be too old to continue playing "save face in front of the subordinates." She didn't mean to, it didn't really feel right, with tears and snot all over her face and her mother's, but Anya snorted. "If I remember correctly, didn't I normally get an ice cream cone right about now?"

"Didn't pass anything on my way here. But it's not my place to make your crew think you turn an Alliance Admiral into a blubbering mess, which in turn would do the same for you. You were always a sensitive one, my Anya." Her mother took this deep breath that sounded like it filled up her entire body, like it was the first one she'd taken in a long time. She tucked Anya's hair behind her ears, and the best moments of her childhood, those few minutes where her mother could shut out the world and be with her, roared through her heart.

Years of distance may have made Anya want to keep her mother out of this, but all it took was one ear-tuck and she was happy to have her by her side.

Oksana continued, "When Anderson gave me directions and I saw the Normandy in the docking bay, I finally knew. I heard the rumors, but I couldn't... My Detenysh. You're alive."

"I know. I can't really believe it myself sometimes." Anya pressed her forehead against her mother's. "I missed you."

"I missed you more."

"I missed your bear hugs more. I can't remember the last time you gave me one." On that note, Anya felt all the distance between them close, at least for this wonderful moment alone. And there were years of things she wanted to say honestly, truthfully, to the woman she hadn't touched since her fingers trembled less whenever she was alone. Those same shaky fingers grabbed onto her mother's hands. "I'm sorry-"

"Don't. I know you had a galaxy to save. You always do. I turned a Russian ballerina into one of the best damn soldiers in the Alliance. As a mother I am hurt, but as a Captain I understand." Even though Oksana's pride seemed to be falling away, Anya was happy to see _her mother _stay, not a loud, stern resurrection of the Alliance soldier who made her life what it was. Anya needed her mother. "But why didn't you even try?"

"The Normandy's on a suicide mission. If I died again-"

"Well, then I'd have two stories to tell about how my beloved girl died a hero." When Anya looked up, there was a confusing mix of warrior and wounded parent in her mother's face, and she couldn't tell if any of it was real or just talk. "Don't get me wrong, I would burn the entire Citadel down to keep you with me. But you are who you are and I choose to be proud, not to punish you." Oksana stroked her cheek before patting it with a small slap. "But if you had died again without seeing me, I might have had to hunt down the Illusive Man and forced him to bring you back again myself."

Anya grimaced at the thought. "Pardon my language, but that's kinda fucked up, Mama."

"Language!"

"I said pardon."

Even though she scowled, her mother pinched both her cheeks. Was this just an excuse to poke and prod her?

But when her mother exhaled, seeing Anya wince, she realized it was all just to remember that she was real. Just like how Garrus poked her and called her a squishy human when they finally were alone again.

The people who loved her just needed to know they had her again, didn't they?

Oksana smiled and said, "I said it already, but I will say it forever: how I missed you." Then, her mother pulled her over to her couch and sat on the other end, a foot from her, but still holding onto her hand like if she let go, Anya might disappear.

The Commander didn't mind. She liked being kept on the ground. "Now, tell me everything, from the beginning."

And Anya did. She gave her mother as much of the story as she could, from waking up to the Illusive Man to how she met every single one of her teammates. There was laughter, frustration, and even a few expletives. Considering her mother wasn't the hugest fan of swearing it was impressive.

Perhaps, though, she was just seeing the realest version of her mother than she'd seen in a long time.

After her undead review, she even got Oksana to talk about her crew, give Anya updates on the people she grew up admiring. The helmsmen, Erica Wells and Reynard Alsberg, finally got married. Anya had watched them dance around each other for her entire childhood. The only other child on board, Warren, graduated from the academy and was now a lead engineer on the Marakov. And Barkley, the chef she knew all her life, had passed early last year, surrounded by his friends and family.

No matter if the things she told her were mundane or sad, it was nice to know that the world she left behind, the ship that could've been hers if she hadn't been running so hard after Akuze, was still happy and homey and made her mother smile the way it did.

It was a little slice of comfort in a broken galaxy.

But just as Anya was settling in her seat, feeling safe and cozy, Oksana nearly made her spit out a lung. "So, tell me about that Vakarian fellow." At her reaction, her mother started to cackle. "Finally blowing off steam?"

"Mama! Gross. We aren't."

Oksana rolled her eyes, like she hadn't just asked if Anya was having sex with the turian. Way too many people had asked her that lately. The Marakov Captain said, "I always found a "sparring partner" or two on my ship for that purpose, don't act so immature about it. I assume you just haven't gotten the balls to tell him how you feel then?"

Not wanting to picture her mother "sparring" with anyone, Anya rebuffed all of it. "It's not that-"

"Because I know relationships aren't your thing, Detenysh, but you deserve someone and you-"

Unable to juggle any avoidance tactics right now, Anya admitted, "He's my boyfriend, okay? We're just taking it slow because we're a little busy saving the galaxy."

"How so? It doesn't take that long."

"Mama." Rubbing her temple, truly a little afraid something might burst at this point, Anya just wanted it to end. "I do not want to talk about my love life with you, thanks."

"Whatever makes my little cub happy. Though I am fascinated with your thing for aliens."

"I don't have a thing for aliens!"

With a wave of her hand, her mother scoffed. "The only human you've ever liked was that wet blanket from the Alliance Academy who smiled at you nice. And trust me, that one never had a chance." Oksana started smirking, but it wasn't making up for anything she was saying. "But this Vakarian? I like him. He listens to you. He respects you. Supports every idiot thing your brain thinks of. I'd keep him if I were you."

There were so many things she could say, about the alien kink or the fact her mom had this weird, satisfied smile talking about Garrus. But at this point, she just had to roll with the punches. "I plan to." With her mother so vulnerable and oddly honest right now, Anya tried to use it to her advantage. Though, that didn't make her voice any stronger when asking such a loaded question. "Would Dad have liked him?"

"John?" Oksana looked caught off guard, but then got this small smile and said, "John would have practically stolen him from you. He was obsessed with turian technology and the only gun he ever got good at shooting was a sniper rifle." Anya's heart fluttered, swelled, in a way that felt neglected all her life. _That was her dad._ "You got that from him, I think."

"You talked about him." Shaking her head, Anya stared at her hands, wondering how many things she didn't know that she could hold in them, call her own. He liked sniper rifles, just like her, just like Garrus. "You never used to answer me."

"I always told myself I'd talk when you'd get older." Oksana paused, but the melancholy aftertaste to her eyes didn't stop her from saying, "Two years of you not getting older sort of changed my mind about that."

After a deep breath, like breathing in her father's memory for the first time, Anya asked, "I shoot like him?"

"He was pretty good, but you're the better shot. You also have his hair, the kind that looks like the richest soil. It was like I could look at him and see home." Grabbing her daughter's hands, she said, "Once you can stop saving the galaxy, maybe we can go somewhere together. Lounge on some beach. Talk more about him."

"I'd love to know more than "American pilot with a weird James Bond obsession"." Anya nodded, adding, "Well, and a good shot, or so I hear."

"Always such a little mongrel, you are." With a waggling finger, Oksana threatened, but in the way only a mother could. "Don't dare tell anyone I cried."

"I never would dare it." Opening up her omni-tool, she took a quick glance at her schedule, everyone else's. Nobody had any official business planned. With a smile, she asked, "Would you like to have dinner with me and my crew?"

Oksana nodded. "Of course. Meeting your family would be an honor."

At that Anya couldn't help but laugh. She was right. The Normandy and everyone on it were here for her, her support system, the people she'd take down the galaxy for.

It was only right that they meet the mama bear that made all of this possible.

/

Hey guys! Sorry for missing Saturday's post, I needed a mental reset and unfortunately DPL was just the chapter I hadn't written yet when that happened. Hopefully I'm back in order now. Either way, mama Shepard is lovely and I love her, despite how hard-ass she can be most of the time. Today she was very soft and it was what she and Anya needed Thanks very much for reading and thanks as always to my awesome patrons: Danyell Jones Amy Connolly Since I missed Saturday, here's a little sneak peek into this Saturday's adventure: Kasumi, acting, and sex parties. Wish the Normandy team good luck! See you Saturday!


	39. Part 2- Chapter 23: Revenge Acting

Of all the things Kasumi had done, getting a new lead on Vido was the best thing to happen to them. After her dinner with her mother, she was feeling a lot of complex catharsis (especially since somehow her mother cornered Grunt and he was now calling her Mama Shepard and sending her all his previous mission reports for fun, with videos of Odin attached?)

Gist is, Anya'd lost completely control of that situation.

But after all that domestic weirdness, she had a win as a Commander. Finally, she could get Zaeed what he wanted and protect civilians.

On the flip side, they had to do the mission the Kasumi way and, well...

Let's just say the tight skirt was making her thighs itch.

Through some back-channels, Kasumi discovered that Vido was a member of this high-paying sex club, and it would be possible to corner him and take him out fairly easily, since no one was allowed in with guns.

Obviously, the master thief had a work around to get a pistol in Zaeed's hands.

To sell the gambit, though, several of them had to go in, pretend to be part of the scene, and use their communicators to get Vido in place. And she and Garrus were a key part of the mission because Vido almost exclusively looked for threesomes.

Kasumi thought, since they were a couple, playing the part would be easy for them. Throughout prep, Anya and Garrus convinced themselves, too.

So why did she feel like collapsing on the floor just because he was holding her waist in public?

Over the comms, Kasumi's voice resonated in their ears, reminding them that yes, this was really happening. "Okay, Shepard, Vakarian, just act natural."

The only thing making her rising anxiety and warming cheeks any better was the fact that Garrus kept scratching the back of his neck, a very classic awkward Vakarian tactic. Coughing, Anya said, "Right. Yes. We can do that."

"Then why do you look like the bad actor in theater class?" Kasumi snorted across the line, and it only made Anya tense up more. That was easy for her to say, she was hiding in a tactical cloak, watching from above. Her thief ass wasn't being displayed on the floor like fresh meat for the right bidder. "I've seen you two flirt. Just get close and be yourselves."

"Easier to say when I didn't realize so many people would be watching us!" Anya already didn't like the Normandy eyes she knew trained on her every move, but it didn't help that there were an array of hungry looking club-goers taking long looks at them either. With a stressed exhale, Anya stopped puffing up her chest and absolutely deflated into a tall table, leaning her elbows on it. She couldn't even fucking look at Garrus. "Oh my god, I don't know how to do this."

He was a still close, though, his talons on her hips, his side pressed against hers. Luckily, the turian seemed to be faring a bit better than her, though, and was scanning the room. Garrus did admit, "I can feel you sweating on my arm." Then there was an audible swallow and she finally looked up at his bright blue eyes, which did sort of look like they were about to pop out of their sockets. "Everyone is looking at us."

At the though, Anya leaned harder into the table. "Oh my god, you're going to make me vomit."

"Don't vomit! If you vomit, I vomit."Back on comms, he said, "I don't know if we're cut out for this, Goto."

"Both of you, get your shit together. You have to look sexy enough to get Vido's attention. Or not to get yourselves kicked out for being suspicious. Jack's already had to make out with one of the bouncers. Though, the two seem to be enjoying themselves."

She'd have to thank Jack for her sacrifice later.

When she glanced across the room, though, Kasumi wasn't wrong. Anya didn't even know someone's tongue could go that far down someone else's throat.

Well, except-

All it took was the briefest glance from Garrus and her cheeks were burning again. Head down on the table, she was hoping the cool metal could ice her the fuck down.

After a few very long deep breaths, she raised her head. "Okay. so think sexy, not puke."

"Good start. Great imagery." Much to her sweaty back's delight, Garrus let go of her and, much more comfortably, leaned into the table with her. One shoulder bump and she felt a lot saner and in control than the rest of this hellscape. "If we fail this mission, we're never going to hear the end of it."

"I know. After all their teasing about the closets and my blushing problems and we fail this?" Anya laughed, but her eyes did find their way across his clothes, enjoying the all black ensemble that Kasumi insisted on. She'd have to thank her later for convincing him on a more human-like fitted shirt, despite his complaints. "I didn't get to tell you earlier. You look really nice."

Garrus snorted, but gave her a full-body look that didn't feel creepy, so she had to give him props on that. For her, that was a rare accomplishment. "If we want me to be able to speak sentences, I won't get started on how I think you look." What she liked more was the way his eyes trained on everyone else, that sniper kind of look in his eyes. That was so much hotter than any sexy club music of flirty banter.

After a good scan, he groaned. His talons did this way too overblown gesture in the direction of the dance floor. It was kinda cute. "I'm not kidding though, the staring? I know you're hot but I clean up nicely, thank you."

It was almost sweet that the idiot thought all the peering eyes was all about her.

But instead of getting too sappy, ANya stuck with what she was good at. She laughed. "I don't think it's that, Garrus. I think it's the fact we're a human and a Turian. It's not exactly a common match."

His voice harmonics hummed at the thought. "Hmm. That makes my ego feel a little better."

"Even if they were, you're the only one I notice." Garrus smirked next to her, and it only got wider when she bumped his shoulder against his.

This was right; this was them. Not all the tit pushing and possessive arms.

Both their hands on the table, their fingers laced, gently, knowing the probably had to back off at any moment. Mission came first.

Before they could get too cozy, though, Kasumi was injecting herself into their ears. Their fingers slid apart. "Whatever you two did, you've improved. You now look like an averagely boring couple at a bar, not like the turian's holding you hostage."

Garrus cocked his head and laughed at her. "Hear that? I'm not kidnapping you."

You could if you wanted, though. I wouldn't stop you." Just then, an Asari walked by them and gave such a suggestive wink that Anya felt like she got groped. Her shoulders shivered. Leaning towards Garrus, she admitted, "Dammit, it's so much easier to talk to you without so many people watching."

As he seemed to be prepping up for some sarcastic answer, the music cut and changed to some turian music that she swore she'd heard before.

When she looked to Garrus, he had a look of horror on his face that morphed into a very discontented scowl.

"Dammit, Tali."

"What?"

He gestured across the dance floor to the DJ podium. Tali was up there, giving the cheesiest, dad-style thumbs up she'd ever seen. Turning her own head to the side, Anya asked, "What's that about?"

"I-... That drunk night I told you about? Where Tali and I reminisced about you?" Garrus braced his temple and his jaw like if he didn't hold them in, they'd fall the fuck out. It was amusing to watch, but probably much less so to experience. "I told her I liked your dancing. Didn't clarify it wasn't your club dancing, in retrospect."

Anya couldn't control herself. She started laughing so hard that she doubled over. "She now thinks you like...?"

"Yeah. The jogger arms and off-beat hip motions."

"That's goddamn hilarious."

"Your bad dancing is cute, but not hot."

Crossing her arms, Anya feigned offense. Of all the things he could say to offend her, this was definitely small potatoes. If anything, between them, it was hardly a burn. But it was more fun to play offended. "You wound me, Vakarian."

"Get thicker skin, Shepard."

With a challenging cross between a smirk and a scowl, she countered, "If you got a closer look, you'd see it's pretty damn thick, Vakarian."

Garrus did take a step closer, and he did look, from her cheeks to the curve of her shoulder and lower. It really shut up all that giggling she was doing. "Maybe if it wasn't for this damned mission. We could've picked up where we left off."

Flustered, Anya stared at her hands, not at his deceptively attractive gaze. "We're supposed to be acting sexy, not actually take our damn clothes off." With a defiant brow raise, he traced a talon across her shoulder and leaned in. "You're pushing the line." Then, he tucked his talon under one of her dress straps and kissed her neck. Shepard didn't mean to, but she groaned. Before the turian could totally render her immobile, she grabbed his face in her hands. "Lucky for you, I'm not one for following orders." And then she pulled him in for one of those kisses that she was getting pretty addicted to.

As her fingers clutched the back of his neck, Kasumi's voice was in her ear again. "Vido's coming your way."

Pulling back from Garrus, she could feel the blush eating at her cheeks. "Fuck." This was not exactly the most put together she'd been on a mission. If anything, she was absolutely out of her mind and unprepared.

For fuck's sake, she had to straighten her dress. It had almost ridden up to show her ass, getting on her toes to kiss him.

And before she could wipe the lip gloss off Garrus' mouth, there he was before them.

Leering, trim, and smirking. Vido Santiago.

Anya really didn't like the way he was smiling at her, like some pet plaything. She disliked his hungry glances at Garrus even less.

All it took was him to start opening his mouth and she kinda hated him. She really couldn't blame Zaeed at this point. With that smirk oozing into every intonation, he said, "I don't think I've ever seen a human and a turian kiss before. Gotta admit, pretty hot." Extending a hand, he said, "Vido. And you are...?"

She really didn't want to offer her hand, but she did. Worse, the weirdo kissed it like some ancient aristocrat. Trying to hold in her disgust, Anya gave a code name."O-Oria. And this is- He's-"

"Castis." Anya frowned at Garrus. She didn't use her normal fake name because it was her mother's and that was weird. Now he was making her flirt with him under his father's name. Garrus looked at her apologetically before looking back to Vido. "Come here often?"

"Not nearly as much as I'd like." His eyes were scraping her body like it was the bottom of a bowl of cheese dip. It was honestly nauseating. "You two?"

"We're new here." All it took was seeing Tali shake her head from afar to remember that was not the story they were supposed to be going with. Faltering, Anya corrected herself. "But like, a few times new. Several, you could say."

"She's trying to say we've talked about it, but just recently wanted to try to spice things up a little." Garrus caught her eye and then seemed to have an internal panic attack, suddenly sputtering, "Not that Oria isn't more than enough, I just-"

Oh lord. What a perfect time for him to want to soothe her insecurities.

Before they could make too much of an ass of themselves, Mordin showed up out of nowhere, his hands tucked neatly behind his back. There was a ferocity in his eyes, a ruthlessness, that almost made him unrecognizable. "Hello. My name is Reegan. I'm their sponsor and friend. Please excuse them. They are a little nervous. They've been wanting to try bringing a third person into their sex life, but they can become very anxious about taking initiative. Especially when approached by such a handsome man like yourself." He gave this sickly, ass-kissing smile that made Anya want to apologize for making him stoop this low. But he didn't miss a beat, gesturing to the two men behind Vido, two bulkier sorts. "May I also have a moment with your associates? I have a more... business-like proposition."

Vido waved a hand and it was like he broke their tether to him. This was good, for getting the asshole cornered. "They're yours. And don't worry, I understand the effect I have on people."

Swallowing her own discomfort, she nodded and said, "R-Right."

His smile was getting especially lecherous the longer they talked. Anya had nothing aginst people who liked sex parties, but serious, who let this one in? Vido's hand extended towards her face, and it took all of her willpower not to recoil.

"You really do have such lovely hair-"

Before the man could touch a single long, brown lock, Garrus pulled Anya into his chest. If there wasn't a creepy man they were planning to murder right in front of them, Anya would've probably collapsed with the alount of blood rushing to her cheeks and the way her damn heart was thudding.

She could hear his against her ear. It was going pretty wild, too.

Blinking up at Garrus, he said, "The hair's mine." Then he looked down at her, and pulled the smoothest shit out his ass that would've never worked on her in any other situation because BOY was it cringey. "It was the first thing I ever noticed about her. I don't want anyone touching it."

"I like the possessiveness." Apparently Vido was unphased. Instead, he ran a hand down Garrus' free arm. "Maybe if i make you growl a different way tonight, I'll get to touch it." The low rumble of Garrus' chest made her feel many things that Anya didn't bother trying to identify. Video took a step back. "But I respect a man's claims."

But Anya had to take some agency back her. She wasn't a pet, not even in some fake acting bullshit. "He has no claim on me. I made a choice." To sweeten the pot for Vido, she gave Garrus the best tragic doe eyes that she could. "How could I look at him and not choose him?"

Hell, she was having the most fun tonight seeing who could lay it on thicker- her or the turian.

Garrus just smirked back at her.

"You certainly both have... spirit."

Anya raised an eyebrow. "You don't even know the half of it. But if you don't think you can handle us..."

"Oh, that doesn't mean I don't want a taste." Even though she knew that meant they were doing a good job, it didn't stop her from wanting to vomit.

Garrus offered, "So why don't we take this party to a more... private setting?"

"After you."

Tapping her ear, Anya signalled the rest of the Normandy ground team to close in behind them. The plan was they'd take Vido to a back room and the others would collapse on him, then give Zaeed his perfect revenge.

Had to say, this was far more humiliating than hunting him down merc style.

When they got to the room, she and Garrus turned on him while Tali and Zaeed closed the door behind them.

The second it clicked, Vido's eyes widened. "What the-"

Before his dumb ass could say much, Anya sent a punch straight into his throat. She would've preferred the dick, but it was the safest option with a dress. The little bitch collapsed, holding his neck.

Standing over him, Anya cracked her knuckles. "Unfortunately for you, I'm really more of a one-turian kind of woman." Then she cocked her head behind him. "But I'm sure my friend would like to have some fun with you."

When Vido finally looked, those goldfish eyes of his only got wider. "Zaeed."

"I'm happy to just get this over with." Pulling the pistol out from behind his back, he had the most satisfied smile she'd ever seen on the old merc. "Don't blue-ball your own assassination attempts, you prick." And then he fired the shot straight through his head.

And then a few more, for good measure.

Anya then took her shot to scrunch up her nose and ask, "Okay, seriously, Zaeed, why'd you sleep with a guy like that? He's so skeevy."

"I don't have to answer to you." But the frown didn't keep long. He patted her shoulder, all soldier-like, and said, "Thanks, Shepard. It finally feels like I get to move on with the rest of my life."

"Anytime."

The rest of the mission evacuation went smoothly. They walled off the room so he wouldn't be found until later, Garrus and Anya went out the back so that the bodyguards wouldn't be suspicious, and everyone else slowly exited.

Tali couldn't really look them in the eyes for a bit, probably because of half the open-comm flirting, but that was an awkwardness they had to accept.

It wasn't until she was back in her room, in her sweats and Garrus in his off-duty clothes, cackling on her couch that she felt human again.

Anya was in between laughs and asked, "The hair is mine?"

"I figured you didn't want his hands getting too close." Garrus scowled. "And what are you talking about, miss "I choose him"? We all said things down there that we're not 100% proud of."

Snorting, Anya patted his hand. But a couple pats in and she was getting softer, until she was just resting her hand on his. "I'm not saying you should ever go all jealous possessive on me again but.. It was kinda hot."

"Oh really?" Garrus rolled his eyes and said, "I preferred you telling a roomful of our friends that you're a one-turian kind of woman."

"I may be a terrible actor, but I'm very good at telling the truth." "We've spent the whole night being fumbling idiots, and while I did recently go on a small, discreet shopping trip, I'm not feeling very sexy myself. Not after being eye-fucked by a room full of strangers and one very seedy Blue Suns merc who was really into the interspecies relationship thing."

"I know! I'd keep the memory to make fun of you, but I'm pretty sure it's better we just call it a wash." He cocked his head towards her door. "Target practice instead?"

"Thank god yes."

/

Oh how I love shitty actress Anya. I'm finally back! Sorry for the 10 day hiatus, I had a bit of a stress breakdown and had to sort myself. Mental disorders and quarantine can get... weird. Right now, I'm also changing my post schedule to be once a week, posting both this and my Witcher story on Saturdays. This might just be temporary, and I may post extras because I can't help myself, but I want to make my schedule a little more friendly for my messy brain. Either way, thanks for being here 3 Thanks also (as always) to my patrons: Danyell Jones Amy Connolly See you next week!


	40. Part 2- Chapter 24: An Interspecies Spar

"You cheated." Anya was gasping for air after target practice, she held her breath so long to keep laser focus. But for one of the few times in their relationship, she totally kicked his ass.

And boy, did her favorite turian hate it.

When they walked away from the shooting range and towards the practice mats (lucky them that second Normandy came with a bigger training gym), he was scowling. Anya had to admit, she felt fucknig great and he looked damn adorable when he was annoyed.

Giving his crossed arms a fake punch, Anya said, "I absolutely did not. Tonight's just my night, it seems."

Garrus just grumbled. "Another."

"Absolutely not, Vakarian. You lost fair and square." She tried to walk further onto the mats, maybe even get their dumb asses to bed. It had to be nearing 3 am. But he just stood there, stubborn and petulant like a damn toddler. Anya was baffled. "Are you really that upset about this?"

"I went into this all confident, and now it's squashed. Just feeling a little bruised over here."

Looking at the mats around them, she shrugged and brought her fists up. "Fine. Then fight me."

"What?"

Anya smiled, thinking of all the takedowns they pulled on each other and the old crew back in the day. Lately, she had to fight more in her weight class, since they had a larger crew. But she missed shaking things up, since the old mission crew didn't have a lot of options. She used to leg-sweep him all the time, and he used to toss her to the ground like a rag doll.

Maybe it was concerning that she found sparring endearing, but that was something to unpack another time. For now, she just wanted to enjoy old times. Anya cocked her head towards the mat below and goaded, "C'mon. We haven't properly sparred since the old Normandy."

"Actually-"

As she remembered the very embarrassing training session on the upper decks, she winced. "That doesn't count." Taking a deep breath, she stepped closer to him, put a hand on his chest. "Tonight was weird and stressful. Let's de-stress and do something more our speed." Then she pushed away from him, bouncing on her heels like all the other asshole kids in Academy. "Or just afraid to get your ass kicked twice?"

At her final taunt, Garrus' eyes narrowed.

"Fine. You did this to yourself." They both positioned themselves across the mat from each other, and with a wave of her hand, they went for it.

Unfortunately for her, Garrus had the more... obvious advantage. He went lower than her, and picked her up on his back like a sack of damn potatoes. Well that was annoying. The laugh that rumbled through his chest echoed up into hers. "You're strong, Shepard, but I'm nearly twice your size. There's a reason you use a tactical cloak and I don't."

Grabbing ahold of his underarm, though, she used the position as leverage to flip her legs over and land her on her feet, behind him. Then, she got to grab his arm and pin it behind his back. That's what he got for being a cocky asshole. "Never underestimate the flexibility of a small ex-ballerina."

"I never underestimate you." But just as she thought she had his arm pulled tight enough, he let all his weight fall down onto her, making them both fall to the ground. Before she could react, he flipped himself over and had both of her hands pinned, this annoying, stupid smirk on his face. "I just know how to get you where I want you."

Anya would just choose to ignore his hands on her wrists, his face above hers, and the way her heart like to double-time to that same stupid smirk.

After a slow swallow, she admitted, "Clever. Fine. You get this round."

They both got up and she rolled her shoulders before getting in position again. She had to appreciate that, since they both didn't have the right prep, they seemed to be preferring grappling over kicking and punching.

That, or maybe they both were doing a questionable job of trying to get close to each other without making a big deal out of it. After all, she hadn't done a leg sweep yet, and that was her signature move.

To give herself credit, the second Anya got close to him it was like her mind went haywire.

Cracking his knuckles, Garrus asked, "Wanna give up yet?"

"Absolutely not."

But she was panicking. In the first place, Garrus was right. At hand to hand combat, she was not an ace. She normally was a queen of being unpredictable and slippery. But without her tactical cloak and fire to lean on? She was just a small soldier putting herself up against one of the top hand-to-hand fighters on her crew.

And particularly one who knew her weak spots a little too well.

So, Anya's competitiveness settled for underhanded tactics with hopefully better pay-off.

With a quick step forward, she smacked her hand across Garrus' cheek. The turian looked understandably shocked. "Did you just slap me?"

Before she could chicked out, she took a step back and launched herself at his torso."Diversion!" Much to her surprise, the turian caught her by her thighs and was holding her up well, his arms cradling her ass. Ignoring the mild... intimacy of the hold, she frowned. "I expected you to fall to the ground."

"You really don't think I can handle how much you weigh?"

"Might've been an oversight on my part." Her elbows resting on his shoulders, Anya started to get a bit too aware of their bodies pressed against each other, and the fact it was kinda hot he was just holding her like this. Why did she think this was a good idea again? They were just supposed to be blowing off awkward steam from the club mission.

At her heart starting to do that fluttering thing again, and her cheeks getting warm and red and betraying her trust, Anya coughed and patting his shoulder. "Time to get down though."

Garrus smirked, the manipulative asshole he was, and his hold on her only tightened. "Nope. Tap out. This one's totally mine."

It was unfortunate for him that slapping wasn't her only close-quarters ace up her sleeve. Especially with his forehead so close.

Hopefully it wouldn't piss him off too much. But she couldn't let him win so easily. That would be very un-Shepard of her.

"Not quite yet."Rearing her head back, she did the best thing Wrex ever taught her: the powerful, classic Krogan headbutt. And with that, Garrus finally staggered back and fell on his ass.

Anya took the opportunity to straddle him and put her forearm against his throat. "Guess who's on top now, Garrus?"

He had this glint in his eyes that she did not like. "You are, Anya."

"Oof, using my name mid-spar. Not cool. Don't use special weapons."

"Don't think you're going anywhere so quick. I can use this position to my advantage, too."

"Not nearly as much as I can."

"No you can't-" Feeling the pressure build up, thinking about him and her and- fuck it. Anya lowered her face and pressed her lips to his mouth, shutting him up and ruining the spar, but she didn't give a damn.

When she finally pulled back, Garrus sucked in a breath and sat up to look her straight in the eyes. "Damn. Call me corrected." But the second her mouth disconnected from his, it felt like a mistake.

She said, "Shh," before putting her hands on his shoulders and going in for another kiss. Hell, her competitiveness was fierce, but the way she felt when she remembered his hands, his shoulders, the way he shot a damn gun, and the sarcastic asshole of a wonderful man that wrapped it all together, the one who was always there for here...

Well, all she wanted to do was get closer.

And here they were, alone, and real fucking close.

His hands went to her hips and grabbed on like he was desperate for her to stay. She tried to make it clear, with her hands, her mouth, that she never wanted to leave.

They only broke apart for air. Garrus asked, "In your room, do you have-?"

"Yes."

As she kissed down his neck, he started to ramble. "Should we talk about how maybe things work or what you like or-" Anya could feel his beating heart against her ear when she reached it, and it was flattering and terrifying all it once. It wasn't like she knew what she was doing either. "Or any pointers on where the hell to put my hands, because sometimes-"

But she wanted this. And she didn't want them to fuck it up by being afraid.

Holding his face in her hands, she said, "Garrus. Please shut up. If you keep talking nervous, I'll get nervous."

He chuckled, uneven. "Right."

All his awkwardness didn't stop him from picking her up and walking out of the training room with her, though. He dropped her when they exited the metal doors and she held onto his talons, tight, as they walked to the elevator.

This was happening. This was really happening. She was sweaty and messy but for the love of god, she was holding onto her best friend's hand, this man she adored, and she was taking him upstairs to-

She put her mouth on his to try to help get her brain to shut the fuck up.

When the elevator doors slid open, they both stumbled into her room. It felt so different from when they left it a few hours ago. The electricity that kept sparking at her fingertips each time she grabbed him probably helped.

Anya's hands were shaking, and unfortunately Garrus noticed. He held onto them, like they might slip away at any moment, and asked, "Are you sure?"

That was hardly what Anya was shaking about, those handsome, insecure eyes that was afraid of fucking things up. If anything, she just didn't want to scare him away.

But being with him was worth the risk.

Kissing his shoulder blade, she tucked her hands under his shirt and pulled it off him. Anya stared at every ridge, every scar, every alien thing she didn't understand about his skin. But it wasn't scary or surprising. It was him. That's what mattered to her. She put a hand over his heart and smiled up at him. "I don't want something easier or closer to home. I've never wanted anyone but you."

Putting his arms around her, Garrus said, "And with that I really will shut up."

"Good."

...

When Anya woke up, there was an alien hand on hers.

And she loved that.

Raising her thumb to rub it against one of his talons, her eyes and voice were still slow and groggy when she said, "Good morning."

"Morning." His blue eyes opened like slow, metal gates. The second he finally looked straight at her, he laughed. "We really did that, didn't we?"

"Unless I had a frighteningly vivid sex dream while we innocently slept in a bed together, I think we did."

His laugh petered out and Garrus looked at her very seriously. The kind of serious that wasn't so confident and sure anymore. "Sorry if any of it was-"

Anya snorted. There was something adorable about making a cocky turian "bad boy" so awkward and unsure, but she was finally getting to a point where even the "sexy, romantic" stuff was as it should be between them: comfortable. She interrupted him and said the truth, "Weird? Of course it'd be a little weird. We're different species and both certified idiots."

"Fair." He looked to the ceiling. "I hope when I touched you it was fine."

Okay, that question made her feel a little awkward. "Garrus. It was more than fine. I barely touch me right half the time."

"Don't lie to make me feel better."

"Would it be worse if I was giving you a nice lie or if I was admitting how much I fumble around without your help?" Anya sat up and hugged her knees, but couldn't help but graze his shoulder with her hand. He winced. "I hope I didn't fuck up either, y'know. I mean, your shoulder-"

"It'll heal." Garrus copied her, sat up, leaned against her wall, and just looked more stunned than anything. "I still can't believe we did this." But at the end he started staring at her, this smile on his face that made her feel special and embarrassed all at once.

And knowing that this man knew what she looked like naked now didn't help.

"Me neither." The staring got too much, and Anya covered her face. "Jesus christ stop looking at me like that. It feels so invasive."

"I mean, I've already seen you naked, so-"

Damn mind reading turian.

Pursing her lips, Anya crossed her arms. "Don't get all smug, Vakarian."

"How can I help myself? I just woke up next to Commander Shepard, hero of the citadel." His laugh at the end only made him more annoying and charming.

"Don't be an ass about it."

But then he nuzzled into her neck. That was something she'd have to put on the "only do in private to keep her sanity" list. "More importantly, I woke up next to Anya Shepard, my girlfriend."

"That was so cute and I hate you for it." Even though there was something so sweet about him so close, and the hint of wandering thoughts with him towering over her in bed, she rolled out from under him and stood up.

Unfortunately, for their flirting, she was still Commander Shepard at the end of the day. "But now, we have to get up. Debriefing and strategy meetings today."

"No. Stay." She had already gotten out of her sheets, but the stubborn turian was leaning off the edge of the bed, trying to drag her back. Like a toddler, Garrus grabbed the ends of her hair and tugged lightly. "I like your bed. And your soft hair. If we close our eyes the rest goes away, right?"

Oh how she wish it did.

She detangled his fingers from her hair with a gentle hand. "I'm afraid that's not how it works."

Garrus groaned, falling back on her bed. She liked how comfortable he looked, in her room. Well, he'd always looked pretty comfortable, but there was something special about the way he splayed himself across her bed like it was his. The turian pouted up at her, something she didn't really know turians could do. "Fuck."

"I know, I'd love to stay in bed with you saying "fuck" all day if I could."

"That's how you sounded last-"

"Finish that and you die."

Chuckling, Garrus sat up and started pulling on his clothes. "Don't tempt me like that."

As she was already so behind on her morning routine, she put it on fast forward. But that meant that by the time she meant to be answering him, enjoying the damn conversation, she already had a wet toothbrush in her mouth. Through foamy paste, she said, "I've already died more than enough for both of us. You're not allowed." Shepard leaned on the doorway to her bathroom, watching him sort through their messy, discarded piles of linens to find the rest of his clothes.

Didn't help that they both wore black training outfits.

Hands deep in a pile of shirts, he snorted at her comment. "Should I tell that to the next merc trying to shoot my face? My girlfriend says no?"

"Damn straight."

"They'll love that." When he finally pulled on his shirt, he stood straight and just glanced around her room, like he was still missing something. Shepard spit out her toothpaste and was going to ask him if he needed help, but he got to talking before her. "I better head down to the battery, shouldn't I?"

She understood his hesitance now. Anya knew her duties here on this ship, but she didn't really want to go either. "Unfortunately."

Just as she started to peel off her sleep shirt to go grab a real sports bra and other daily clothes, he sighed real deep, like there was a new weight on his lungs. "Damn. And watching you get ready was just getting good."

This was not the time to look at him, or she might get sucked in by the way he looked at her. Quite the intoxicating experience. "Next time bring a toothbrush or something. You'll be able to stay a little longer."

"I'll think about it."

Just then, her omni-tool pinged with a message. Anya scrunched up her face and opened it, because everything about this morning was abnormal, but that was really abnormal. "Who the fuck is that? I'm not even late-" When she opened it, she groaned. "Oh for fuck's sake."

"What?"

She leaned towards him and covered her eyes. "You read it yourself."

Garrus did: "From the torn and sweaty state of the training room, I assume you and the turian finally consummated your relationship. Please come to my lab later for questions and testing. Salutations, Mordin." Looking at her face, he tried to stifle a laugh. But he didn't do very well. "Well, that's an email for you."

"It's not fucking funny."

"It's kinda funny."

Fighting her own will to laugh, Anya pointed to the door. "Out."

"Fine, fine." Garrus followed her orders, all the way until the doorway. Then, he did an abrupt turnabout which ended in her running face-first into his chest. She wished she didn't, but tragic as she was, it made her cheeks flare. He just smirked, smug asshole turian. "See you later, Anya."

Using her hand to push him out into the hall, she sucked in a breath. "I better. Because last night was- should we do it again sometime?"

"Definitely." After a long glance up and down her body, he swallowed and shook his head. "Now I need to go before I awkwardly spend all of my day outside your door like an idiot."

Anya snorted. "Please, before I start saying awkward things that make me the idiot."

With a tip of his head, Garrus gave his normal, half-assed salute. The same one that used to break her heart when he used to walk away at night, when all she wanted was to ask him to stay.

But now it was morning, and he did. So Anya just smiled.

/

Sorry for being a little late, it's been a weird week. Figuring some stuff out In other news, though, the desktop is finally INBOUND so hopefully I can have my Twitch streaming up and ready by June. Prayers Thanks as always to my patrons: Danyell Jones Amy Connolly I am very tired but I hope to see you next week!


	41. Part 2- Chapter 25: Biotic Crushes

Apparently, Mordin wasn't the only person sending her weird messages. Anya's second one was far more appreciated, though.

After ridding the world of Vido's grossness, the entire crew had been on the hunt for the two final members of their suicide squad: An Asari Justicar and a Drell assassin. Miranda had been poking more sketchy Cerberus channels than Anya dare ask, she'd been asking Anderson and her mother as many questions as they could legally answer, Tali made contact with her people, Garrus, Kasumi, and Zaeed tried Omega contacts, Mordin even got in touch with a STG agent.

But nothing.

That is, until they got a cryptic message from someone they hadn't seen since Illium. The mystery that was the space-warping Sam sent a simple: "Look on Illium :)" from an untraceable email that didn't even seem to have a source. At this point Anya wanted to email back, but she was pretty sure even trying to hack the message's route gave her computer some bizarre viruses.

She figured after the seventh spam email about supporting something called the "Ex-Templar Recovery Program" that it was time to back the fuck off. This Sam could keep her secrets.

While Anya had a lot offucking questions for her, at least they finally had a lead.

When they were in the neighborhood, she had Miranda go to an information broker (she daren't ask if it was the blue one who hated her) and get some more dirt.

Luckily, one based on Illium had just the right details to fill in the blanks.

Last someone heard, the Justicar was looking into an Eclipse den where some information on her Drell target may be hiding. Hang-up was, the den might've also been hiding the Drell himself.

So, as quickly as she could, Anya had Garrus, Miranda, and Kasumi suit up and get out there. They needed a quiet, quick team to respond as swiftly as possible. Garrus wasn't too pleased when she told him he was playing team tank for the day, but other than some snarky complaints he took his new role in stride.

Miranda led the way, but that meant Kasumi was free to do some color commentary. And boy did her commentary sometimes get... colorful.

Humming along to some song Anya didn't know, Kasumi leaned into "I haven't been on a good manhunt in a minute."

"Wait, what?"

"Most of the time I stole items, but if a client paid well enough and the person deserved it enough..."

Anya narrowed her eyes before gesturing towards Kasumi's slightly unsettling smirk. "I don't know if I want to hear the end of that statement."

Ahead, Miranda was doing a pretty good job of listening to their conversation but actively ignoring it. Case and point, her prompt response of, "People-hunting aside... my contact says that the Justicar was last spotted asking questions about this eclipse safehouse. Hopefully, we've got here before her, if we were fast enough."

If it wasn't so weird to have someone fifty feet in front of them jump into the conversation so smoothly, she would have been impressed. Well, truth is, Anya was impressed. She just was a little tired from some recent... exercises that were getting her less sleep than normal.

But speaking of being tired, Anya finally caught onto that tail end sarcasm in Miranda's voice.

Stopping in her tracks, Anya frowned. "If you're giving me that side-eye of yours, don't. I already know I took too long getting my bun straightened. I'm sorry."

As he passed her, following Miranda's lead, Garrus patted her back. "I think it looks nice."

Kasumi sniggered. "Safe to say you have a biased opinion, Garrus."

"So?" Anya crossed her arms and puffed her cheeks, but kept tracking behind the group. They had to get to this Eclipse place eventually.

No matter the bickering that kept them from getting twitchy, Miranda was right. If they were fast enough, they could make it to the Eclipse den before her and have a fairly clean mission. Maybe they could find the Drell, reason with him first, and then be properly prepared for the Justicar when she came.

Unfortunately for them, though, the blood started at the door.

The carnage would be impressive if it didn't also make Anya feel kinda sick. All the battlefields she saw in her life, even the Reaper ones, felt like a fight. People struggled tooth, nail, and the occasional groin to make it out alive.

Three steps into the place, and it was clear this wasn't a fight. It was an execution. There were only eerily clean bullet-holes through skulls or crushing biotic throws.

Shepard could barely tell if the Eclipse mercs even got to fire their guns. And to think, this damn fight wasn't even about them in the first place.

None of them said anything about it; the atmosphere was enough to get the damn point across. They were after possibly the scariest dossiers in their roster, and putting themselves in their crosshairs in the process.

While none of their missions ever went easy, this one was definitely already changing the game before they even got in a firefight.

If the rest of the scene wasn't so grim and depressing, it would've been cute, how Kasumi gracefully tip-toed over a couple of jumbled bodies. The thief said, "I guess it's also safe to say somebody got here before us."

Across the room, Miranda was on her haunches, surveying the black and burnt red burst of human residue and crumpled metal on the wall, courtesy if a certain Justicar. Her fingers traced the lines like they were art, not a crime scene. "These biotic impacts are impressive." At Shepard's raised eyebrow, though, the liaison stood and shrugged, but in the twitchy, guilty way. The kind of idiot way Anya herself did everything that got her flustered. "I-in a technical sense, of course."

Before Miranda could stride off in her unfortunately biologically programmed hip swaying way, Anya smirked and asked, "Are you getting turned on by biotic murder?"

"Absolutely not!" Crossed arms and pouting didn't make up for the resounding yes written all over the rest of Miranda's face. Feeling Garrus walk up behind her to check out what the hell she was giggling about, Miranda seemed very annoyed and over it all.

Unfortunately for her, Anya was just getting started enjoying the show.

Miranda furrowed those brows of hers and said, "That would be highly inappropriate. I'm just feeling respect for a very powerful biotic. A professional admiration."

Watching the liaison stomp out with her biologically engineered hip-swaying, something they had a few too many morning coffee sessions bitching about. Apparently, dark caffeine brought out the parental angst.

When Miranda was far enough away so that Anya could whisper and not get chastised about it later, she leaned over to Garrus. "She's into it, isn't she?"

The turian shrugged, but said, "It'll be fun to see how she reacts to the Justicar when we meet her, then."

"I bet we see her flustered for the first time."

Normally, on anyone else, that phrase was innocuous. But after countless bets between them, and even throughout the entire previous Normandy crew, the word "bet" was a trigger.

And even though Garrus was shaking his head, like he was thinking "here we goddamn go again", he smiled at her. "You're on." Tilting his head, like trying to assess Miranda a little better, he added, "I bet it'll be the handshake."

"From that biotics blush? Psh, I bet it'll be love at first sight."

"Hmm. What are the stakes in this bet?"

Pinching her lips for a moment, trying to think of something worthy of the bet, Anya was tired of it always being credits. They were new people, a new Normandy. This shit needed to get more interesting.

Well, and she didn't really want to take his credits. Anya was already a tragedy idiot, she didn't need to torpedo the relationship with financial threats. Her stupid old Spectre/Alliance pay and now dirty Cerberus money kept her a little more well-stocked than she deserved, and a vigilante's salary really couldn't hold a candle to that.

And anyway, it was more fun to offer up something more valuable. "Winner gets control of movie night for a month."

"Now I'm definitely interested." Garrus chuckled under his breath and said, "Can't wait til I win."

"You wish, Vakarian."

From the open doorway to the next room, Miranda shouted, "What are you two giggling about?"

"Nothing."

As they finally joined their teammates in the four square walls that held all the computers and data, Miranda scowled at them. It felt like being scolded by their mother. At least, that's how Anya felt. But the disgruntled liaison just muttered to Kasumi, "I hate when they do that."

"I love it. Look at those sparkles in her eyes and his little smirk. It's like I get to see an adorably terrible romantic comedy every day."

Anya blushed at that more than she liked to admit. "I don't know if I take offense to that or not."

"Just be happy somebody finds all that-" Miranda gestured to them, and Anya realized she and Garrus were standing close, their crossed arms and head tilts identical. Her own cheeks turning red, she released her arms and walked a few paces away. "-cute."

They couldn't really be that bad, could they?

Swallowing down her embarrassment, instead choosing to focus on how annoying it was that Miranda found her annoying, she went back to surveying the room. Unlike the one before them, there was only one dead body; a purple asari with one bullet through her ear.

They didn't have the best data security here, did they?

Garrus hummed when he walked up to the body, but not in his normal, satisfied way. "Shit. Between the bullets and biotics..."

In agreement, Anya nodded gravely. "They really did a number on this place. These Eclipse mercs never stood a chance." Exhaling until every molecule of air exited her body, Shepard looked over to Miranda and Kasumi, who were fiddling with the console. While she was a decent hacker, more sophisticated programs were just out of her depth. "Any clues, BT?"

Miranda narrowed her eyes at the nickname (shortened from her first unfortunate one picking up Garrus), but otherwise didn't seem to react much. And Shepard new that, for Miranda, that wasn't good. At least a displeased frown was customary, not complete dead-face. "Nothing. Except..." A few quick commands were plugged into the keyboard and Miranda tilted her head up. "Here. The database isn't in great condition, but there are searches for the names Marala and Morinth. And these files were accessed before _and_ after the attack." When Anya walked over, Miranda added, "Seems both the Drell and the Justicar might be looking for someone, not just hunting each other."

Next to them, Kasumi giggled and elbowed Garrus in the chest. He winced, but luckily Kasumi didn't notice. "Oooh. So the plot thickens."

Anya would have to apologize more for that bruise she left him later.

But of all damn things, she did not need to tell her gossip-loving thief that sometimes her alone time with the turian ended with some mild injuries. She was still playing dumb about the cut on her neck. Probably just nicked it while sparring, right?

Shaking her head, because boy did her already pink cheeks not need to think about that any longer, Anya said,"Guess there's nothing for us here. Except for a lot of body bags and a clean-up crew. Glad that's not our job." Waving an arm towards the exit, she accepted this tip was a bust. The Illium part was useful, but the assassin and Justicar were gone.

Hopefully the Illusive Man didn't spend too many credits on that slow as fuck information broker.

"C'mon folks. Sorry to get you all dressed up just to do nothing with that sparkling armor of yours, but let's go back to the ship."

Garrus caught up to her side and gave a playful eyeroll, where his smirk never left his face. Turian smirks were so annoying with how charming they were. After all, turians were serious military people. Smirks always showed off another side of them, a kind that Anya liked. Perhaps a little too much. "Darn, and I was so looking forward to playing bodyguard for you squishy humans."

"Shut up, you are so happy you didn't ruin your streak of hiding in the back with me."

"What can I say, it's got a good view."

Miranda made a disgusted noise behind them. "I miss when you two were at least trying to hide it." If anything, Miranda's constant annoyance only made flirting with Garrus more fun. Alone and serious they were a mess, but on the battlefield? Banter had always been easy. So it was nice to have a place where telling him he was handsome was easy.

But before she could make an idiot sap of herself, Kasumi said, "I don't."

That didn't make Anya want to talk about their "annoying relationship" anymore.

Who knew that creepily enjoying another couple vicariously would be more of a turn-off than blatant distaste?

She and Garrus just stuck to more typical banter after that, walking out of the eclipse den and back towards civilized life. Though, it was debatable how civilized Illium really was. Between this, the two trigger-happy idiots they were following, and the damned secret tunnel system, she was starting to like Omega better.

Sure, it was a cesspool. But with Aria, at least it was a cesspool that made sense.

Just as they walked out of the place, an Asari was already outside, walking up to them.

Miranda already had a fistful of biotics ready, and Garrus had a hand on his assault rifle. And Kasumi was-

Wait, where the fuck did she go?

Trying to act normal after one of her crew casually vanished, Anya tried to be the most hospitable of the bunch. After all, the Asari didn't look like she felt all that safe, walking towards two scowling and armed companions.

Shepard smiled, and the stranger gave a weak, wavering little grin back. "Um, Commander Shepard?"

"Yes?"

With tentative friendliness (since Anya's own friends still looked ready for murder) the Asari extended a hand. Anya took it. "My name is Detective Anaya. Me and my... colleague have been collaborating on finding two persons of interest. Seems you got here before us."

"Seems. Also seems like we might be after the same people." Though it wasn't the safest move, the two were on a rampage, so Anya tipped over her proverbial cards and let the Detective see her hand. "How do you know the Justicar and assassin?"

Shoulders loosening up, Anaya let her hands hang at her side while she said, "I was assigned as Justicar Samara's liaison when she came to the station. When I discovered she was hunting an assassin, I dug a little deeper and met the Hanar I've been working with. The rogue Drell, Thane Krios, is from his planet and he wants to resolve the issue as cleanly as possible. We've been tracking them for weeks now." Before Shepard could ask any more questions, Anaya looked down the alley to their side and her face lit up like Omega on a discount booze night. "Ahh, there he is. Commander Shepard, this is my partner-"

But as Anay moved her face to look at the approaching person, her jaw fucking dropped. She knew that from the pink skin fading into purple-tipped appendages, the slight white freckling of the front tip of his abdomen, the fifth tentacle that was slightly shorter than the rest.

And as the adrenaline rushed through her veins, she squeaked out her question like a girl meeting a boy band, asking, "Spectre Blasto?"

/

Hello guys! Sorry for missing a week! I was taking a short break so that I could get a back-log set-up so that if I have bad weeks, I still have things to post. I have notes and dialogue done for this entire 4-chapter arc, so yay! I love cute, post-sex tension Anya and Garrus and I love their mission banter. AHHHHH Also I am so hype to bring my favorite Mass Effect meme (Blasto) into my story. I have CEREAL BOWLS of him so he deserves it Thanks you so much for reading and triple thanks to my patrons: Danyell Jones Amy Connolly PS: Dany, using Sam in this way was awesome and I was so hyped to add something that Sam would TOTALLY use to make people not pry into her time-travelling. It was such a fun inciting incident to write. Thank you! See you guys next week!


	42. Part 2- Chapter 26: Fangirl Insomnia

As the Hanar walked up, Anya already felt everyone's eyes on her. After all, she not only just called a renowned Hanar actor, Opan, by his character name, but she also shrieked it like a child. Next to her, Garrus was already doing a shit job at stifling a laugh, and she sincerely wondered if having a boyfriend was worth the added embarrassment. Jabbing him in the gut, Anya straightened, tried to swallow her lobster blush, and smiled like she wasn't an idiot who just made an ass of herself. "I mean- It's an honor to meet you."

Opan tipped his... head? Anya really didn't know Hanar biology as well as she should. "This one sees you are familiar with my existence. This one is flattered. I am not unfamiliar with your work, Commander Shepard."

"Oh my god, you know who I am?" Garrus snorted and Anya realized she needed to rein it in. If not, she was going to make a worse embarrassment out of herself. "I mean, of course you know who I am, Hero of the Citadel, can't really run from a title like that can you? I just can't believe-"

Placing a hand on her shoulder, Garrus interrupted, saying, "I think what my Commander is trying to say is that she's a bit of a fan."

Anya would've appreciated the save if he didn't look so smug about it.

"R-right." Tugging at the only loose lock of hair by her ear, Anya asked, wanting to divert from her embarrassment, "So, how did an actor end up involved in all this?"

With a curt nod, the Hanar didn't seem affected by her tragic fangirling. Granted, it wasn't like she was good at reading Hanar expressions. "Regardless of this one's career, all Hanar are devoted to their planet and the Enkindlers. When the Drell was causing havoc, this one was on Illium and was asked to get involved." Opan bobbed his head to the side before adding, "While military training is among this one's skills, I regret to inform you that yelling "Enkindle this" is not actually in this one's vocabulary."

For what it was worth it was a funny joke, and Anya was fascinated by the concept of a funny Hanar, but the problem was that Anya was in the throes of death by mortification. She gave a real shitty and uneven chuckle. "Fair."

Of all people to save her ass, Anya was surprised it was Miranda. But the Cerberus liaison cut straight through the awkward blabbering with her laser-cutting glare and hot -but terrifying- crossed arms look. "So if I understand this right, you both are in this with conflicting interests?"

While Anya expected it to just be a very professional way to divert the conversation, she was even more surprised to see Anaya looking a little bit uncomfortable after it was asked. She was twirling a bracelet around her wrist over and over. Thank god it wasn't tight or she wouldn't have a hand at this point.

Not being the only awkward fidgeter here was comforting, but not so much when it was a detective talking about her case objectivity.

Anaya coughed and said, "The case has been a bit... difficult since we are trying to protect our own people, but we've found a way to work together. And having some extra firepower doesn't hurt. But your officer is right, we should remain objective. Since you checked out the crime scene first, would you be willing to answer some of our questions?"

Looking at the detective, now showing off the more overwhelmed side of her, Anya was able to ignore the absolute superstar next to her and feel her Commander muscles flex. "I can do you one better. Let us in on the case. We want to help you get both of them out of your hair and off this station," Anya offered, with a smirk.

First, the detective gave a tentative glance to the Hanar next to her. But when he didn't seem to react, she looked back to Anya with far-more-relaxed shoulders and less bracelet-burn. "That... might just be able to work."

"Great." That was a good answer. After her complete fuck up in the beginning, she had to feel proud of getting things back in order. That was more Commander-y of her, right?

Dear lord, between revealing her relationship with Garrus and this, maybe getting resurrected had fucked her up a little bit. She used to be so put together. Nothing like this ever happened. And if it wasn't Cerberus' fault, she really had to start blaming those damned drinks on Noveria.

That's when it all went downhill.

Miranda interrupted her thoughts by coughing, and Anya realized everyone was dead silent, staring at her.

Awesome, back to fucking up, it seemed. Straightening her shoulders, Anya tried to pull together the most composed face she had on hand. If only she was a better actor. "So how'd we end up here with all of... this?" Anya gestured to the bloody door, and Anaya winced.

But the Asari soon put on a more serious face, the kind you'd expect on a seasoned detective. Her brow was all stern and she even tucked her hands behind her back. Commander Shepard remembered that particular pose, during some military tour by Thessia. She must have had time in the Commandos before she became an Illium cop.

Anya's speculating was cut short by Anaya explaining the situation. "Thane is cleaning up jobs where he felt like he spared evil people. He started by killing a powerful Asari faith leader, which attracted the attention of the Justicar. As he keeps ticking people off his list, the closer she's gotten to him. We'd like to catch up to them before they tear Illium apart. They're two experts trying to face each other head on."

"Why is she hunting him if he kills bad people?"

The detective sighed, looking torn. "Justicars have a very black and white moral code. Murder is murder. Unfortunately for trying to get these two to NOT kill each other, so does Thane."

"So this is going to be a hellscape, stopping them?"

"Probably."

"Awesome." Per usual, the mission was out of control before it even started. Granted, this one was a little more sideways than normal, considering their targets were trying to murder one another. But it barely phased her at this point.

Anya should probably be a little more concerned about that.

Looking between Anaya, Opan, and her team, Commander Shepard was all too aware there wasn't anything they could do today. At the same time, though, it felt so... pointless to just abandon them here. Whether it was because of her attachment to the Hanar floating next to his partner or her own disappointment with the situation, Anya wasn't sure.

And she really didn't care to figure it out.

With a quick scan of the area, Commander Shepard said, "Well, none of us can do much else here. At least let us give you two an armed escort home. We have to do something with these bodyguard looks, right?"

Even though she looked a little perplexed, Anaya shrugged. "Why not?" She pulled up her omni-tool and showed Anya the address so that they could put it in their map systems and be led there. It wasn't a long walk, only a few blocks. Not quite comforting. That meant the detective herself lived in a fairly shady part of the station.

Granted, despite her thin, small stature, Anya was pretty sure the Asari could handle herself.

Her interest in Anaya waned in the face of the Hanar next to her, though. Despite her best efforts, she still couldn't think quite straight and was just itching to know why the hell he was even here. Between his occupation and his involvement, it was all so weird that she couldn't resist.

Not to mention, it was pretty fucking cool to hear his voice say normal sentences to her. Fulfilled a lot of childhood nostalgic fantasizing about Blasto being her friend that she would never speak to a single soul about.

Trying to act casual, Anya took a long stride forward to be by his side and asked, "So... were you already on Illium before this or...?"

Opan didn't even react, at least not physically. "If you are trying to ask about this one's whereabouts for filming purposes, I am under contract to not divulge information."

That wasn't what she meant at all. But she was fascinated at his mixed use of "This one" and "I". Normally Hanar swayed one way or the other, depending how much time they spent with other species. Diplomats, vendors, travellers ended up choosing I. Religious figures and members of the homeworld stuck to "this one".

It was bizarre and intriguing that Opan stuck somewhere in between.

Didn't change how startled she was by his answer, though.

Flustered, Anya waved her hands to try to clear things up. Dear god, her childhood hero did not need to think she was as crazy as to be the stalking type of fan. "No! I would never-"

The turian trailing her interrupted, saying, "That's exactly what she was doing." Anya turned and slapped his shoulder, as he deserved. And that dumb man just kept smirking down at her, all proud of himself.

Why she was dating someone so infuriating, she had no damn clue. Maybe she was the sick one for finding it far more charming than he deserved.

"Garrus Vakarian I swear to-"

In the midst of their calm stroll, Kasumi showed up out of nowhere and started giggling. "Wow, Commander, didn't realize you were such a tragic and invasive fangirl. Stick to the forums, don't harass the talent."

The Asari jumped. "What the fuck?" Anaya didn't seem pleased with the sudden Kasumi, not that she could blame her.

Anya just pinched the bridge of her nose. She was trying to seem normal and sane for five seconds and then-

In a hail mary of a response, Anya said, "That's Kasumi, she used to be a master thief and probably didn't feel too comfortable with a detective around until we were confirmed allies."

Kasumi frowned. "Used to be a master thief? If I told you how many things I've swiped in the past week-"

"Oh my god, stop, I was trying not to sound like assholes." Anya grimaced at the now very startled Anaya. Of all things she needed, looking like galactic felons wasn't one of them. "I swear her stealing is just the Robin Hood kind lately, used to fight off the Collectors and protect human colonists. Nothing else. And if it is anything else, she better return it."

In response, the thief stuck her tongue out and put her tactical cloak back on. When Miranda herself dared a snigger, Anya narrowed her eyes and glared at all three of her companions. "You all are the worst and I am firing every one of you."

"I do not mind. This one understands the way of Spectres doing what they need to do. And this one is honored to have a real Spectre for a fan."

Anya was surprised about being called a Spectre, after all that had happened. Shaking her head, she said, "I'm not really a spectre anymore."

"You are a Spectre to this one."

Anya didn't expect it, but she felt her heart swell. It was dumb, because it wasn't like he was a real spectre with any real standing, but so many other people she ran into felt all skeeved about her death, her forced Cerberus labor, or all of the above. She could still hear Liara's disgust in her ears.

Opan wasn't her old friend validating her, but he was her childhood hero, someone who made her smile when she felt alone. When she hated the military the most, locked away in her room because her mother was too busy being captain, it was Blasto that reminded her that soldiers weren't just gun-toting weapons of abandonment. It was cheesy, but having his approval...

Well, it meant something, even if it probably shouldn't.

No wonder she turned her into a little girl in his presence.

Before she could respond, try to say something meaningful, Anaya piped up and said, "Here's my place!"

With how much the detective suddenly perked up, Anya couldn't blame her. She agreed to work with an idiot fangirl, a snarky turian, a thief, and a scary Cerberus officer. If Anya had the capacity to regret her decisions in company anymore, she'd feel it, too.

Nodding Anaya's way, she looked to the Hanar, standing right next to the detective.

"Okay! With you settled, then we'll escort Bla- Opan to where he's staying. Just tell us the address and-"

Kasumi popped up next to Anya and put a hand on her shoulder. "Shep. Sweetheart. There isn't another address."

"Oh." When Anaya and Opan moved slightly closer to one another and didn't say a word, Anya felt ready to jump off a cliff. "Oh!" Facepalming, she hoped she wasn't blushing too damn much. Was she really this oblivious all the time? Maybe this is why she and Garrus got away with absolutely nothing.

Almost choking on her own words, Anya admitted, "I guess that's one way to figure out how to get along."

Garrus grabbed both her shoulders and turned her away from their new partners in crime-fighting. "And by that she means good night."

Miranda said a respectful goodbye and traded some information with them, but she could hear Kasumi giggling behind her.

Lucky for her, no one gave a shit about her and Garrus anymore, so the turian put his arm around her while she cradled her face in her hands. He was guiding her, because she absolutely couldn't look up. While she could learn to accept people seeing her dating life on display, that was not the case with her damn lobster face. Anya would never enjoy showing that off.

In the comfort of his arms, she admitted, "I'm a tragic embarrassment."

"You are, but we still respect you." He squeezed her shoulders. "Mostly." When Anya bumped his shoulder a little rougher than normal he laughed. At least someone was enjoying this. But then he offered, "Would you like to put your helmet on for a little while to cover your face?"

"Yeah."

And then she walked all the way back to the Normandy that way, helmet on, trying to not look like an idiot. Hopefully instead she just looked like a mysterious weirdo. That would be better.

At least it gave her time to calm down the blood vessels in her face so that by the time they changed and reconvened in the debriefing room, she was comfortably in sweats and there were no lobster-faces in sight. Now she was capable of being a bit more like the Commander she was supposed to be.

Yes, that included slouching in chairs and messy hair, but her team was used to that by now.

When they were finally gathered, it took a bit longer than expected. Kasumi spent a little too much time forgetting she was lurking in the corner, cloaked, because she came to the room early with the intention to surprise them, but then got distracted by her and Garrus flirting. Typical. The woman had the gall to call Anya a fangirl when she was obsessed with any and all romance on the ship.

But Miranda got them straight to business, the kind of focus they needed on this batshit, wild day of the Commander making a mess of herself. "Anaya and Blasto gave me the info about these two. Thane Krios and Samara. Let's take a look." On the screen, Miranda pulled up a fuller dossier on Samara, including a scan of her face. When a gorgeous, freckled Asari popped up on the screen, Miranda muttered, "She's beautiful."

Anya smirked. So they all were a bit of a mess today. If anything, she preferred it that way. "She is, isn't she Miranda?"

The Cerberus officer threw an icy glare back at her. "Oh shut up."

"At least she doesn't have a celebrity crush on a fake Hanar Spectre, " Garrus said, still chuckling like an asshole. Dear god, would he ever let it go?

Sinking down in her seat, Anya grumbled. "Garrus Vakarian, butt out."

"I think it's cute." She was going to make him suffer for all this snark and smirking. Cute? If he didn't give her the helmet earlier, she'd sincerely have to contemplate- "In a "tentacle porn kind of way."

Okay, that was it.

Glaring, Anya said, "You know, this is how you get banished. I could drop you off at a random planet and never come back."

"You couldn't and you know it."

"I could. Don't test me, Vakarian."

"But what if I did?"

Miranda was less pleased with their outbursts. "Off your weird flirting and back to the mission, you two."

Then she actually made them pay attention while she basically gave a lecture on Samara and Thane Krios for an hour. While Anya appreciated more information, she also preferred learning it alone on her datapad, or better, in the lap of a certain turian paying penance for being an asshole.

When they were finally free, though, she did get to corner him in the hallway by her room.

"You were such a dick today."

"C'mon, it was priceless. If I acted like that you would've absolutely ribbed me for it." Pressing his forehead against hers, he added, "But if you need me to make it up to you, I can do that."

Anya pressed her mouth to his before saying, "You want to do a double feature, if you know what I mean?"

Even though Garrus' breath was heavy on her lips, his chuckling low and rumbling in his chest, the way it was when he was a little flustered, he pulled away. She really didn't like the stern way he was trying to look at her. "I'd love to, but I've learned a bit more about human physiology lately." Oh no. He traced a talon right above her cheeks. "Those bags under your eyes aren't good, are they?"

Busted. Trying to look cute and innocent, Anya pouted. "Psh, who needs sleep?"

"You do. So go get some. You can see me in the morning." Garrus cocked his head. "And what is wrong with your lower lip? Why are you pushing it out like that? Is that another symptom of sleep deprivation?"

Anya sucked her lips back in and grimaced. Great, she forgot expressions don't always translate right. "Nevermind. Just stay, won't you? I promise I'll sleep."

Garrus groaned. "Anya..."

"Finneee. But just know you're missing out."

"Oh trust me, I do." He placed a soft, barely-there kiss to her forehead and while it was sweet, it wasn't what she wanted. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Garrus."

When the metal doors shut behind her, Anya groaned. After her shitty, embarrassing day of being less than a Commander, she just wanted a win. Hopefully the handsome turian kind. But Garrus was right, no matter how much she hated to admit that.

All it took was one glance in a mirror to see the piling trash bags on her face, like a beacon showing off her lack of sleep. Between Kaidan, Garrus, the dossiers, and trying to keep up with the Collectors, she was beat. But when did she really have the time to sleep? She had to keep up with everything.

Being with Garrus made the lack of sleep bearable, not make it worse.

Buit explaining to him that she'd been sleep deprived for years would only make him push harder for her to take a break. Worse, maybe even make the whole team enforce it.

So all she could do was flop on her bed face first and try to groan her sincere frustrations into the damn pillow. It made it kind of hard to breathe. If she just closed her eyes maybe she could just accidentally pass out and in the morning she could be more refreshed and convince Garrus to-

Like a sick joke, her omni-tool pinged.

Groaning louder, Anya lifted her head off her pillow and opened the message. She expected it to be Jack bitching about Miranda or Tali trying to send her some cute varren videos off the extranet, but it wasn't.

Instead, it was from Opan: _Commander Shepard. After we meet tomorrow, this one has to talk to you about something of grave importance. _

Anya blinked very slowly, staring at the message. How fucking ominous.

Well, sleep sounded nice, a minute ago. But now she had some things to look up about Hanar and Drell. She didn't need to be blind-sided or distracted during their conversation. She needed to keep focus. A repeat of today would be... bad.

Propping up her pillows and opening the extranet, Anya went back to being the best Commander she could be.

Sleep could wait.

/

Hey guys! Today is finally the day! At 7 PM Eastern US time, I will be streaming my Anya Shepard Mass Effect playthrough! I'll share the link to my page here and also through my Tumblr, so please check it out. I like to tell stories and sing inappropriate songs during firefights so I hope it'll be fun. If you miss this week's, don't worry! I plan to stream Mass Effect every Saturday and Witcher every Wednesday. (Shakarian Saturday and Witcher Wednesday, oh how alliterative of me). Twitch: .tv./thespacebard Tumblr: I am enjoying this mini-arc style a lot for the moment so I hope you guys are too 3.


	43. Part 2- Chapter 27: A Spectre's Purpose

Shepard was used to far-too-late nights, she subsisted on them most of her life, but even after coffee this one just wasn't going away.

And worse, a certain far-too-observant Turian totally noticed. "You okay?"

Pulling her best overly chipper smile, Anya nodded. "Of course!"

In response, Garrus only peered more at her. Shit. "That seems even more suspicious. You're never energetic in the mornings."

An intelligent woman would keep the farce up, insisting this was her true self, but she could already feel the exhausted sag of her smile. Letting it fall away, Anya pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to massage some vitality into her eyes. "I don't have the energy for this."

Garrus threw up his arms. "If you want me to believe you, that doesn't make sense at all."

"Don't think about it too much," Anya picked up her mug and swirled it a bit, her eyes trained in on the weird little smudge on the countertop instead of the liquid in front of her. She just needed to down another cup of coffee, but she wasn't sure it would even matter at this point. Had she finally reached the point of complete tolerance, making coffee absolutely fucking useless?

That would ruin everything. Anya Shepard couldn't stand for that.

Lifting the drink towards her lips, she assessed the situation. Maybe-

But then Garrus put his talon on her mug arm, taking the drink away. Before Anya could get too pissed off, though, he said, "Yeah, because I should just ignore the fact your shirt's on backwards and you're about to drink Grunt's disgusting, possibly poisonous protein shake." Anya stopped reaching for the mug and pulled her arms back into her chest. Okay, at least she didn't drink that. Garus sighed and stepped closer. "Again, are you okay?"

With his face near hers, it scrambled all her deflection tactics. Anya stared at her feet. "I just had to stay up late doing research for the mission, so-"

"I thought we were trying to get you to sleep more."

"Apparently the galaxy thought otherwise." She laughed, but Garrus wasn't laughing with her. If anything, his eyes might've even looked angry. That didn't make her feel any better about almost ingesting Krogan poison in front of him. Running a hand through her hair, pulling at the scalp like it might make her feel better and collecting the strands in a shitty bun, Anya moved towards the elevator. "We need to go. Can't we talk about this later?"

Garrus growled, "You bet we will."

"Kay, Mom."

When he thudded against the elevator wall, there was this sinking weight in her stomach that was dragging her gut into her left foot. Garrus' stiff jaw and crossed arms weren't making any of it better. "I only met Oksana Shepard once and she would not be nearly as gentle about this so don't you dare."

"I'll be fine, okay? So stop worrying." Anya hopped up onto her toes and gave him a kiss on his cheek before the doors opened up to the bridge. They got the morning updates from Kelly and EDI, and some unsolicited sass from Joker, but made it to gearing up pretty easily.

The uneasy part was the fact Garrus kept silent the entire way.

She understood he didn't like her choosing work over sleep. Sure, she hated when her own mother did it. But this was the galaxy they were talking about. If these two joined their team, they'd have a full roster for taking on the Collectors. They'd have to just get the right materials and cover a few more intel sites and they could turn the tide somehow.

And no matter how much she cared for the way he looked at her, looking at her that way didn't change what needed to be done.

Once, Garrus understood that.

Why didn't he now?

During the entire walk to Anaya's apartment, things were dead silent between them. Silence was rare, and she didn't like it. They almost always were bantering or bickering about something.

Luckily it wasn't too long of a trek, and Anaya answered her door after the first knock.

The amethyst Asari gave them a warm enough smile and welcomed them in. Unsurprisingly, the apartment was near immaculate. After she closed the door behind them, Anaya asked, "Where are your cohorts?"

"Hmm? Oh, Miranda and Kasumi said they were picking something up. Where's Opan?" Anya asked, poking at some sort of Asari artifact on her shelf. It was a weird squishy thing that looked solid until you touched it. Liara had one and Anya had nearly lost her mind when she activated it the first time.

She always liked how it wriggled back into form after you removed your finger.

While she didn't blame Anaya, she could feel her following her around. "Offering something to the Enkindlers at the local Hanar place of worship." Anya turned and raised an eyebrow. She knew Hanar were pretty religious, but she didn't know that Illium had a specific place for it. Particularly after her experience with the Hanar struggling for a permit.

Could he have just gone to a local place of worship the entire time?

Huh. She got tricked into helping fund missionary work. That wasn't something the Alliance would normally be too pleased about.

Detective Anaya adjusted the artifact she touched (whoops), and asked, "You've never been to a Hanar service? They're quite beautiful."

"I'll put that on my very long list of things to do." After taking in the nicely furnished studio apartment, Anya turned to Anaya. "Do we need to prepare anything? Meet with anyone?"

"Not yet. Your Miranda said she might have a lead so we're waiting for her on that. For now, we just collect ourselves and wait. I was taking the time to meditate and prepare myself."

Out of the corner he settled himself in, Garrus stepped forward and crossed his arms. "Rest is good for people, isn't it?"

"Psh. You mean meditate in a totally proactive, go-getter, really hardcore right?"

Anaya furrowed her brows, a bemused look on her face. "No, I find meditation restful. I think most people do."

"Right." Anya couldn't look at Garrus. Not when she knew he'd probably be all smug about it. "Well, I guess we just hang out until they get here then."

Scanning the room, the bedside tables, the knobs, Anya had to think about anything other than the Turian eyes boring into the back of her skull. They would have to talk about this later, clearly, but c'mon, she couldn't handle the scrutiny and stubbornness outside of their personal conversations. It made her itch a way Commander Shepard shouldn't.

Focusing in on the little idol on the right side of the bed, Anya was confused until she noticed it looked like a tiny Prothean beacon. It was unlike anything she'd seen before, only giving her flashbacks to Eden Prime and another near-death experience, but then she put the pieces together and realized... Oh! This was probably Opan's. It was wild to think he stayed in this room with the detective. "I mean this in a completely not creepy way this time, how did you and Opan...?"

"When you become my age, you understand these things just... happen sometimes when you work closely with someone."

Involuntarily, Anya's eyes flicked to Garrus. He still had his arms crossed, but his eyes softened when she said, "I can imagine."

But then Garrus looked away from her, out the window.

Before she could say anything, Anaya started talking, a serious, passionate expression on her face."What I care more about is getting all the help I can to protect the Justicar." Anya wanted to see Garrus but... Anaya was in the way. And she should focus on the mission first, right? Shepard pulled her eyes from the Turian and focused on the detective. "They may seem violent, but they are what have kept our people safe for so long. I want to help her get out of this alive. They live enough of their lives all alone."

"They don't do team-ups or anything?"

"No. They go places to enact justice on their own, they sparingly make contact with people, and they almost never work with anyone. They rely on themselves and no one else. Most Asari could never stomach it, not without great faith in their goals and abilities. And even then, very few last as long as Samara. She's a legend. But I don't want to be another person assuming she'll figure it out herself. I want to help."

Across the room, Garrus scoffed and said, "There are just some stubborn heroes like that in the galaxy, aren't there?"

Detective Anaya shrugged. "Yeah, there are. But when you find them, they're majestic."

"And also idiots, who maybe should listen to other people sometimes," said Garrus, looking straight at Anya.

As confused as one would be in the middle of a fight they didn't understand, Anaya blinked and shrugged. "Probably. But I don't think it's my place to say that about a justicar."

Apparently, Garrus thought it was his place to say that about a Commander. Anya felt her blood boil and freeze. It wasn't right to question her on a mission, and certainly not in front of an ally. Not like this. But no matter her frown, his laser-focus and scowl weren't moving.

Walking over to Garrus, Shepard gave the detective a friendly smile. "Excuse us for a moment please?"

When Anaya nodded, Anya dragged him outside by his arm.

The second they were alone, she shoved his shoulder a little harder than she meant to. But the Turian took his balance back in seconds, glaring down at her.

Anya glared back up. "Can you get off my ass about this? The mission comes first. You were just as much of an asshole with too many sleepless nights on the first Normandy. We became friends because we ran into each other at the shooting range at 3 am all the time. Why are you acting like this? What changed?"

"You, Anya." Garrus' voice hummed with dissatisfaction, some sort of energy in him cracking like a whip with every word. "You changed it. Because working myself to death doesn't feel worth it anymore if it means I have to sacrifice you. I want to save the galaxy and will lose a limb or two for it, gladly, but I won't lose you. Not again."

For all her boiling blood when she came out here, it all chilled after he spoke. Anya couldn't look at him looking at her like that and ignore the sincerity in his words. Especially when she'd already made him lose her once.

Sucking in a sharp, jagged breath, Anya brushed her thumb against one of his talons. "So this isn't just about being a judgmental asshole."

"I mean, still kinda is." Garrus shook his head, grabbed her hand, and said, "You're going to get yourself killed if you run yourself ragged all over again. You deserve better, I deserve better, and for fuck's sake the galaxy can chill for a few hours if it means you're not sending yourself to an early second grave."

"We talked about this with Liara. This is who I am."

"You can be the brilliant and frustratingly reckless Commander Shepard and still take care of yourself. Maybe even relax, every once in a while."

"Can I?" The words caught in her mouth like Salarian cuisine. Because she couldn't bridge the gap between the woman who couldn't stand losing him either and the Commander who was willing to do anything to save everyone. She pulled her hand away from his. "I'm sorry I dragged you out here. Let's just focus on the mission."

Garrus tried to reach for her again. "Anya, you can't just walk away-"

Unlucky for him, Infiltrators are good at dodging people. Taking a step back and ducking away from his arms, she looked at her pinging omni-tool. "Miranda and Kasumi are almost here. Now's not the time. An assassin and justicar need us."

When her eyes met his again, they were so cold he almost looked like a stranger. "Whatever you say, Commander Shepard."

Inside, Miranda brought her intel from her contact, guessing Thane's next hit would be Nassana Dantius, a sketchy Asari business leader. She'd been doing underhanded deals for decades on Illium, to the point of sacrificing employees.

Mid-way through their meeting, Opan showed up and joined in on their planning. He seemed more than happy to observe, but he did throw in some surprisingly thoughtful notes every so often.

But maybe she was just getting overly paranoid about anything to distract her from the frosty Turian on her left.

After extensive planning, they were prepped for a Dantius raid tomorrow to catch Thane and Samara before they disappeared off to another planet. Miranda, Kasumi, and Garrus started to head back to the Normandy, but Anya didn't follow.

When she told them she had a meeting with Opan, Miranda and Kasumi sniggered a bit but wished her luck. Garrus frowned, but didn't say anything.

That was worse than him making fun of her.

She waited outside until Opan came out, but she made sure to give up on the damn bun. If he was going to take up her time after hours, she was going to be cozy about it.

And hopefully if she was cozy she'd be less of a full idiot in his presence.

Opan came outside, but he gave a soft stroke to Anaya's cheek before she shut the door behind him. She didn't know why, but it made her blush. It was so intimate and gentle that she felt like she was intruding.

Apparently this mission was doing a better job at bringing some people together than others.

As they started to walk towards wherever Opan was taking her, he said, "So you and your turian friend seem prickly today."

"That's not what we're here to talk about, so don't."

"You're correct. This one apologizes. Personal affairs don't matter in comparison to the mission." That wasn't what that caress looked like back there, but she wasn't going to push it.

They only made it a couple blocks before Opan was gesturing her into a very sketchy bar. Anya raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"This one likes their chips."

It was such an odd, absurd statement that Anya snorted. "Okay. I'll accept it."

When they entered, no one even gave the Hanar a second glance. That did suggest he was a regular, and gave Anya a bit of ease about the somewhat seedy place. Hanar were irregular everywhere, but if they were used to him, it probably meant she wouldn't get stabbed just because she agreed too eagerly to a meeting with a stranger.

Only probably, though.

Keeping a recurring scan on the area around them, she settled herself into the seat. At least, as much as one could settle into a lumpy booth that could have a sticky spot wherever you tried to put your hand.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" Anya straightened her shoulders, reminding herself to be serious, that he was a representative of the Hanar homeworld, and despite the surroundings, they were having a serious conversation about a serious mission. So she put on her diplomat voice, tucked some hair behind her ears, and added, "I researched about your homeworld and about Drell culture, so hopefully I'm up to speed with-"

But the Hanar raised a tentacle, and said simply, "Commander Shepard, I'm a real Spectre."

All the running dialogue in her head about Drell and Hanar culture stopped short, like a corrupted data file suddenly shutting down. Her mind went absolutely blank and she couldn't think of anything to do but blink at him. "What?"

Opan nodded his head at her. "This one assumes since you never got to go through traditional training that you didn't get to know the full list of active Spectres. But this one thought it was necessary to explain to you my true perspective on this mission."

Pinching her nose between her two hands, Anya felt at a loss for words. She just got used to treating him as Opan, the actor and Hanar advocate, and not Spectre Blasto. But apparently, under all that, he was Spectre... Opan?

With all the sanity keeping her together, Anya sucked in a breath and said, "So you're telling me you're actually a Spectre."

"Correct."

"But you play a fake Spectre in movies."

"Yes. Technically in the movies this one's character is a Spectre. But I am also a real Spectre. It's a cover."

Despite the little side-stumbles her heart kept doing, so curious about Opan (like seriously did he do his own stunts then?), Anya was trying to hold herself in. This was objectively the worst time to blush and turn into the fangirl of her nightmares. Shrugging, because fuck it, Spectre Blasto was a real Spectre, Anya admitted, "This is somehow the best day of my life and has completely warped my perspective of the galaxy."

"This one apologizes. But as a fellow spectre, this one thought it important that you know."

Staring at him across a table, Anya realized that not only was the younger her actually watching a real Spectre be a badass, but her only reason for being interested in Spectres wasn't some lame little kid thing. He was real and probably much more formidable than she expected. God, were any of his movies based on real adventures he went on? What things did he know how to do that the movies never even covered? Did his director know?

Okay, she couldn't lose her entire mind, but Anya let one intrusive question slip: "Did acting or Spectres come first?"

"This one was a member of the Hanar special forces who did acting for recreation. Just when the acting career started to become popular, I was approached to be a unique kind of Spectre, the kind that can actually lie. Apparently the average Spectre is not very good at that."

Anya's cheeks warmed without her permission. But flashes of Vido and Barbie Tits made her understand why, maybe just maybe, the Council would find value in his unique skills. She still coughed, though, saying, "I dunno, I think I'm okay." The Hanar didn't move a molecule, just stared at her deadpan. She never felt so judged by something that didn't really have a face. "Fine, I see what you're saying. Your job gets you involved with niche people and helps the Spectre cause. So, with Thane-"

"The Hanar called in a favor."

Objective. No matter how much she wanted to ask how the Hanar have a Spectre actor and call in favors to him at any possible moment, that wasn't the point here. They had a mission, right? "Okay. Anything else I should know while we hunt down this Drell?"

"Despite the Drell's wishes, this one is under strict orders to keep him alive."

Raising an eyebrow, Anya asked, "Is he trying to kill himself?"

"Yes. The Hanar homeworld prefers that not happen. Not yet. And the council agrees with them."

"Eerie." Anya didn't even know what to say at this point, she just sighed. "Anything else? Is there a goddamn Elcor Spectre I didn't know about?"

"No. That would be absurd."

Ahh yes, like a Hanar Spectre wasn't absurd in any way. Anya snorted and couldn't fight the smile on her lips. "Right."

"This one does have this to say: Spectres are the tool of the Council, the proponents for the greater good of the galaxy, not just one species. If this one must take down the Justicar to save the Drell, this one will. I hope you respect that."

In the back of her mind, that soft caress on an Asari cheek made Anya feel like Opan might have just revealed more than she wanted to know. "What about Anaya?"

"She will survive." His emotionless way of saying it didn't make her feel any better. "Spectres are made to make the hard choices, to make sacrifices for the betterment of the galaxy. You were picked because you've made many."

Thinking back to what Garrus said, to all their talks about her leadership and her guilt, for the first time in her life Anya felt herself pause when it came to sacrifice. Her fist clenched under the table, surprised herself to be echoing sentiments she brushed off.

But Anaya's cheek, Garrus' eyes, there was something about them that forced her to wonder if there was more to being a hero than sacrifice. "What if we jump to the hard choices way too often?"

"Do not tell me that you are doubting your work? Because a Spectre in doubt is ineffective."

Anya scoffed, trying to play off her own guilt. The last thing she needed was Opan shutting her out. "After Saren, I find a reasonable dose of doubt to be healthy."

"Just do not let that doubt get in the way of the mission." He gestured to his chips, that just showed up at the table without them even ordering. "Would you like something to eat?"

"No thanks, already way past my bedtime." Getting up, she gave him a respectful nod. At least, the best one she could give after the weirdest night of her life. "I'll see you tomorrow, Opan."

"Indeed."

The streets weren't exactly friendly, a lot of watchful eyes followed her strides, but her long hair or small frame didn't fool anyone. They saw the armor and the pistol at her side and stayed clear.

Which was good for them, considering she was not in the mood for a fight right now.

When she got back on the Normandy, it was quiet and bare. She gave a few hellos to the late night crew, a sleepy Joker debating something with EDI, a too-chipper Kelly talking to too-friendly Jacob, but she kept her greetings short.

She wanted out of this armor. Now.

The second Anya got into her room, she peeled it all off and got into the sweats that made her feel human. Her next plan of action was to call the turian that made her feel herself, because she needed it after such a thrilling, unsettling, weird evening.

Pulling up her omni-tool, she called Garrus. The second he picked up, she started talking: "The wildest thing just happened, I met with Opan and-"

EDI cut her off. "Apologies, Shepard, but Garrus Vakarian has disabled comms to his room for the evening."

Right. Why would he want to talk to her after they fought earlier?

"Oh." Anya deflated, collapsing onto her bed, which felt way too big all of a sudden. "Well, goodnight, then, EDI."

"Goodnight, Commander Shepard." Shutting down her omni-toll and turning down the lights, she laid there, so much stuck in her head left unsaid. And now there were thoughts of Garrus swirling in there, too.

Anya struggled to close her eyes in the pressurized silence, but the room went black eventually.

/

And sooooo here it is. I wanted to make Spectre Blasto real, so bad, but i wanted him to be slightly more logical real, y'know? haha. I also love the slight coldness to him, where the Blasto Shepard knew was big fights, big passion, like all action heroes. I might have to split the final chapter in two (there's a lot going on) but I'm excited for it. Thanks as always for reading and triple thanks to my patrons: Danyell Jones Amy Connolly If you want to check out my Mass Effect stream, I will be back on /thespace bard this evening! I plan on trying to voice the entire experience myself this time so it's gonna be a blast(o)! That joke was worth it and you know it See you next week!


	44. Part 2- Chapter 28: Rejecting Sacrifice

The plan was perfected. Their route was smoothly pre-determined. They even knew how to deal with the situation if Thane and Samara didn't show up, though it involved some serious half-assed excuses about escorting a celebrity through the area and getting lost inside a shady place of business.

But the thing that kept on scraping at the back of Anya Shepard's mind had nothing to do with the particularly precarious mission she was about to go on, or even the childhood hero that was nothing like she expected.

No, instead all she could think about was the stubborn turian gearing up next to her, who didn't answer her calls last night.

The silence ate at her skin, and she was left stuck in between wanting to leave him and deal with this bullshit later and being desperate to talk to him now, see him look at her again without feeling sick inside.

No matter how stupid it might be, she couldn't look at those scars on his face and keep pushing him away. That colder Shepard, the one who refused to get close to anyone, was gone the second he called her a squishy human.

Because dammit, boy was she squishy.

After her shoulder clasps snapped shut, Anya turned towards Garrus. She had to get his attention before he snapped on his helmet and he was Officer Vakarian, Archangel, her back-up not her boyfriend.

Who knew she'd ever want that?

Taking a deep breath she said, "Garrus-"

Garrus cut her off before she could even try to assuage, apologize, anything. His eyes were practically frozen over and his posture stiff, bristling. And the worst part was that he was looking straight at her and she felt fucking neaseous. "I want to talk, Anya. I really do. But we need to focus on the mission first, right?" He narrowed his eyes and flicked her hair, loose around her shoulders. "You should put this up. Helps keep you safe."

It sounded sweet and thoughtful on the surface, but Anya knew every subharmonic duality in what he was saying.

And she didn't like it, the professional distance, not from him. Not when their "professional" behavior was normally full of ludicrous bets and teasing banter.

With a huff, she did put her hair into a bun, but she wasn't putting herself away with it, not right now. She had a moment alone with him and she had to try to seize it. Of all things, she didn't like leaving things unsaid with him. They did that once and it broke her heart and nearly killed him.

She wasn't keen on letting anything like that happen ever again. He may be stubborn, but she could be stubborn, too.

"Why are you acting like this?" she asked, as she holstered her pistol to her hip.

"Because you think I want you to be someone else, when all I want you to do is take care of yourself. That's not the same thing." She could hear his throat tighten on the cusp of a growl. "You don't have to think sacrifice is the default. You can be a hero without it."

Now that she was pulling him out of professional mode, he kept looking straight ahead, at his gun, anywhere that wasn't her. Anya wasn't used to feeling unseen when it came to him, and maybe it made her bristle more than she should.

Or maybe it was just the years of guilt bubbling up.

Anya clenched her fists and asked, "So what, are you saying that Ash died because I quit too early? Or, hell, if I hadn't followed orders I could be Akuze's hero, not it's sole survivor?"

His mandible flexed, and he shook his head. "Anya-"

"You really think I've survived this many awful missions without wondering if I could've saved people? Especially after you held me as I cried for Ash?"

Pinching his nose, Garrus exhaled slowly. Anya could see the complex emotions ripple through his face and she wanted to be angrier, maybe even punch him, but he was Garrus. So she waited. He said, "You're right. It's not fair to act like you've never thought about it." He turned to Anya and finally looked straight at her, his blue eyes soft and gentle and friendly, and her heart felt like it was being torn in two. "You step up where other people don't and it's why I'll follow you into hell. But I have to believe that sometimes it doesn't have to be like that."

"Why? After all we've seen?"

His talon caressed her cheek. "Because I want Anya to make it out of this war, not just Commander Shepard. And I want Anya to be able to dream of saving everyone and have it happen, instead of breaking her heart every time she walks off the battlefield. I want something to be left of her at the end of things."

As her silence prolonged, his hand recoiled and he turned away from her again.

"But hey, I'm just a subordinate out of line, so what do I know?" Just as she wanted to say something, change her answer, talk longer and hear him and work through this, the metal doors opened behind them and Kasumi and Miranda walked through. Taking a step away from her, he ended their conversation with the click of his helmet and a simple, "See you on the other side, Shepard."

And with two other squad-members by her side, Anya had to commit to the bun on her head, move like a well-oiled machine through the Illium streets to meet up with Anaya and Opan. Because no matter how much she wanted to talk to Garrus, they had shit to do.

Even if everything he said kept reverberating through her skull like a headache that just wouldn't shut up.

When they joined up with the Hanar-Asari duo and started heading towards Dantius Towers, Anya felt the pressure hit her shoulders. In the next hour or so, she had to convince two trained killers to leave each other alive, or choose between the two.

Another choice where someone ended up dead.

While the detective and secret Spectre were suited up more than before (Anaya had basic armor and a pistol of her own, and Opan had an abdominal exoskeleton that his species used sparingly for defence (Anya learned that in Cerberus' classified defense profiles on every race)), their intensity was more intimidating.

The pair that gave each other soft looks and caressed cheeks the other day now looked ready to fight anyone who stood in their path. And Anya just realized that maybe they knew that about each other the entire time.

Naive of her to assume romance and battlefield ideology came hand in hand, wasn't it?

She flicked a glance at Garrus and she wanted desperately to be different from the cold characters to her left and right.

But she shook her head. There wasn't time for patched romances and thoughtful sentiments. This was an important mission and they had work to do.

Anya needed to take a goddamn step back because right now the galaxy needed Commander Shepard.

A block from Dantius towers, she stopped the group. "Time to split up. Opan, Anaya, and I will go the direct route. You three go up the other half and, once you're done, meet up with us at the top. That, or find us wherever we end up. Good?"

Everyone nodded. Miranda and Kasumi led the way, but Garrus grabbed her arm and said, "Be safe."

Despite all the turmoil in her brain, it was like her boiling blood and churning stomach stilled at those blue eyes looking at her again like his world hinged on her.

Fuck, she loved him.

Letting out a relieved, albeit startled, chuckle, Anya said, "I will. You better not find a way to take a rocket to the face, okay?"

Garrus chuckled "I'll do my best." Then, he pressed the forehead of his helmet to hers before letting her go.

When she turned back to Opan and Anaya, the pair did not look amused. Anya coughed and led them towards the front entrance, which already looked disheveled, cracked glass and all. She joked, "Don't make my third-wheeling too awkward, will ya?"

The detective furrowed her brow. "Excuse me?"

"This one and the detective are completely objective on mission, thank you."

With their deadpan stares boring into her, Shepard just grimaced and swiveled. Better she took the lead, anyway.

As they walked through the doors, they started to see the echoes of Thane and Samara on the ground floor itself. But Opan and Anaya were not Grunt commenting on a good fight or Kasumi making jokes about if this was some hardcore adult fun or one hell of a fight. Anya realized her normal crew banter wasn't going to fly with the more serious duo. "Okay, the joke didn't land. Good to know." Like an idiot, before she could stop herself, she coped with the awkward silence using another joke, looking back at them over her shoulder. "Thought from all your movies you might like banter."

"Spectre Blasto's inane little quips distract him. If he was a real Spectre his enemies would shoot him down while he's busy making the Enkindling puns. I always feel silly saying them."

In a rare break of seriousness, Detective Anaya snorted, the kind that followed a comfortable inside joke. "It's a movie, Opan, chill out."

The Hanar shook his head. "Forgive me. This mission makes this one a little irritable." As they entered an elevator to reach higher floors, Opan didn't seem any less tense. Instead, he moved a tentacle onto the gun on his holster. Opan wrapped his appendage around it, pulled it up, and said, "We have been chasing these two for far too long."

Watching him, Commander Shepard was entranced. If the Hanar hadn't told her his Spectre secret, she might've started getting curious about the expert way he handled his weapon. Years of Alliance training made her sure that the flexing of his appendage meant he knew how to fire off the pistol at a moment's notice. Until now, she never even knew Hanar appendages could be useful in a firefight. The calm comfort Opan had while armed was very telling.

Not nearly as telling as the bullet that whizzed past her cheek, though. Twirling herself behind a nearby corner, Anya shouted, "Watch out!"

Luckily, Opan and Anaya got themselves behind a half-wall. Good thing business towers really loved unnecessary accessory features, huh?

Anya looked across the way, though, to see a green-scaled Drell with shining eyes blink at her. He had a black and red flare to his face and a surprisingly peaceful stare on him. The kind that looked almost... surprised to see them. Regretful, even.

But just as the depth of his eyes hit her in the chest, shots were fired from their far-left. She ducked behind cover, only to realize they weren't the ones being shot at. One peek and she could see a heavily freckled Asari barreling towards Thane's position. The Drell threw one more glance towards her, like trying to tell her something, and bolted away.

To no one's surprise, the Justicar didn't even look at them, just kept charging after her target.

Under her breath, Anya muttered, "Fuck." Cracking her neck to break the tension in her shoulders, she broke cover. "Well, that was a warm welcome."

Opan and Anaya followed behind her, both their paces brisk. Opan said, "Indeed."

Over her left shoulder, Detective Anaya gave her input. "Okay, well, if Thane is going to shoot at us, guess the best we can do is help Samara take him down. Get this whole thing over with."

"No. This one must secure the Drell."

The air rippled with Anaya's anger, but they couldn't stop for this squabble. Anya had to keep on walking, even if the detective paused to say, "Like hell. We have to protect Samara."

"The Justicar's safety isn't a priority."

Their loud footsteps were like drum beats in Anya's ears, and she was only half listening. She knew where this argument went; she knew the second she walked out of that seedy bar. She heard Anaya and she heard Opan. Neither of them were the kind to budge.

By god, though, did she want them both to be so wrong.

The detective scoffed. "That's not how this works. We don't know if he'll try to fight us the second she's down. She is the obvious choice."

"No. I have orders and seniority." Despite their connection, despite the soft cheek caress she once saw them share, it was like she was listening to a war on the brink of waging. A battle, where, at the very least, nothing between the two would survive.

Anya's pace stayed rhythmic, but she felt her stomach stumble and drop along the way.

Was this what Garrus meant when he said he wanted her to survive?

Tired of their arguments, Anya spun around at the corner of an entry-way and said, "We don't have to make a choice like this is some philosophy class! These are two living, breathing people. Let's just fucking talk to them, okay? So both of you get your damn fingers off your triggers." Opan nearly looked satisfied, like he won, but Anya shook her head. "Or your tentacles."

Just as Anaya opened her mouth, though, two metal doors slid closed between them and the rush of slamming air pushed Anya backward into the open hallway.

When she opened her eyes, she saw two black and two blue looking at her from each side, just as perturbed as she was.

Well, this was one way to try to talk to them.

At a loss for words, right where she probably shouldn't be, Anya awkwardly chuckled. "Well hello strangers."

Both of them continued to stare at her. While she felt her cheeks flare and her skin crawl like she was embarrassing herself in front of her weekly speech tutor all over again, Anya could at least feel better about the fact they didn't shoot her on sight. And, considering the fact they were eye to eye, it was nice that they were taking a break from killing each other to be baffled by her.

It was something.

Sucking in a breath, Anya pinched the bridge of her nose. "That was the lamest thing to say." Just then, both Samara and Thane raised a gun-laden arm. In sheer panic, Shepard spread out her own limbs to try to make herself wider and waved them. "Hey! Put down your weapons! Why is everyone so goddamn trigger happy?"

Samara didn't even flinch before saying, "I need to kill him."

"She is trying to ruin my mission. I have several mistakes to expunge before I leave this world." Thane seemed equally sure of himself.

It was a terrible thing that they were, because all Commander Shepard knew was that she didn't want either of them dead.

Pulling out her pistol was the easy choice, pick one, end it. But it was like Garrus kept on ringing in her head, that stupid subordinate he was, and she couldn't help but want this to be different this time.

Things had to start being different.

Anya kept her arms raised and cleared her throat. "Cool. But if you both didn't shoot each other, we can all walk out of this. I have a dangerous mission of my own that I could use both of you on."

"I cannot abandon my calling just because some pretty human child asks." While that was a compliment, especially from probably one of the most attractive looking Asari she ever met, it was decidedly not the time to get flustered. Attractive didn't mean people got a free pass to threaten murder.

Though she really shouldn't think too hard about the amount of headshots Garrus made that made her think about-

Interrupting her absolutely out of turn thoughts, Thane said, "My life needs to end for retribution, not money and violence. Why would I abandon that?"

Anya was getting annoyed with them, but she kept her voice as peaceful as possible.

She could play mediator, right?

Gesturing to both of them, she said, "Because you're both valuable to the galaxy. Nobody really wants to see you kill each other. Think of other people who need you before you shoot each other's faces off!"

Over her comms, she suddenly heard it reconnect and a measured voice thrum against her eardrums. "This one only cares about the Drell."

Detective Anaya sounded like a viper spitting venom. "The Justicar is the only salvageable one, don't listen to him."

"Commander Shepard, I need you to remember your duty as a Spectre."

Shepard was stunned, in a somewhat offensive manner. Okay, if Opan was going to try to pull that one, he really could go fuck off.

Rage fueled her cheeks instead of embarrassment. At the very least, she didn't make sacrifices so callously. "Shut up, both of you!" She paused and looked to the ever-confused Justicar and assassin. "Not you two, you're being way more patient than I deserve." In a bold move, Anya shut off the communicator yelling in her ear, put down her gun, and raised her arms in surrender. This better fucking work. Anya begged, "Stop this cat and mouse game. Saving people doesn't have to mean making so many choices like this. You both could walk out of this and still change the galaxy."

Even though her glare faltered, Samara insisted: "I have a mission, Shepard. And he is in the way."

Thane was similarly stiff, pistol pointed at Samara, looking so sure of himself. "And she is in the way of mine."

In the bottom of her stomach, that pit screaming Garrus' words over and over fell through her, the floor, all the way to the goddamn basement of the tower. She couldn't stop them, could she? Commander Anya Shepard wasn't made to have another option. Sacrifice was the default.

To think she thought she could stop it.

Frustrated, she said, "You goddamn-"

The building loudspeaker suddenly was blaring a rumbling voice she knew all too well, interrupting her mild breakdown. "Shepard, let me try for a moment?"

Exhaling, Shepard said, "Please."

From there, Garrus took over talking. "Hey, you two live for your very objective missions, right? Well, from up here in ops they actually sound pretty damn personal. A Justicar running after an assassin because he's trying to kill your daughter's contact? A conscripted assassin trying to end his life because he feels guilty about his wife's death? Good reasons to be fighting, but don't pretend either of you are noble. Because we've got you figured out." Commander Shepard raised an eyebrow. When in god's name did they have the time to find all of this out? Because she sure as shit knew Garrus wasn't some research wizard.

But the other team had gone the other route, towards the Dantius security offices.

Anya blinked. Kasumi and Miranda were more frightening than she ever gave them credit. She'd have to take them both out for drinks some time.

Garrus continued: "If you're serious about your missions, about bringing justice to the universe, we got a better offer: save the goddamn galaxy. It's the greatest calling of them all. And hell, we'll even help you finish your impossible missions along the way. If you want to have a fucking chance at accomplishing all of it, follow her. But at the very least don't pretend you're looking for justice right now."

The air in the hallway chilled, like all the red-hot energy had been sucked right out of it. Thane was the first to speak. "There might be some selfishness in my crusade."

"Mine as well." Samara loosened her grip on her gun and asked, "Can you really save the galaxy, Commander Shepard?"

"I have to."

The Justicar's gun fell to her side. "Then I will join you."

"So will I."

Anya stood in awe, staring at these two people on each side of her. A part of her was trapped in a state of stunned shock. This was quite the gamble. Should they even trust them? She'd seen the horror that these people could cause.

Another knew they were still people, and hopefully they'd keep acting like it.

All she could do in the moment was nod and smile.

Well, and punch Anaya and Opan for being assholes before telling them to climb down the tower on their own and fuck off. She could practically hear Opan's scathing request for Spectre dismissal in her head, but she didn't give a damn.

When the Hammerhead came to pick them up off the tenth floor, Garrus was right there, waiting to grab her bloodied hand. Thane and Samara sat across the vehicle from each other, still understandably uneasy about the whole situation. But Kasumi was talking Thane's ear off about a Drell she once met on a heist, helping patch up a few wounds, while Miranda did a mini-physician's assessment with some alarmingly stiff posture and some wavering syllables.

They could talk about that later, though.

Instead, Anya looked up to the turian next to her and couldn't fight her smile, leaning close and whispering, "You saved them."

"Between C-Sec and years of Turian Military, you learn how to appeal to "justice" types. The "call them out on their shit" part is vital." He nuzzled the top of her wispy bun and said, "But you really fought hard to keep them both alive."

"Someone important to me once said that sacrifice doesn't have to be the default."

"Sounds like one hell of a smart guy. Handsome, too."

"Shut up." Before he could be more of an ass, Anya grabbed his closest talon and squeezed it in her own hand. "I'm sorry."

This time she didn't look up, trying to look straight forward and be somewhat professional, but she could hear the damned smirk in his voice. "You better be, because I was right."

Anya snorted. "Not very gracious or humble, are you?"

"It's your fault. Having the most important woman in the galaxy fall for you is quite the power trip."

It was stupid, what he said. She was just a soldier people kept on putting on some pedestal, the survivor who had the worst luck and kept surviving. A hero who never felt like she made very heroic decisions.

But today, fighting to keep everyone alive again? Today felt good.

Standing close by his side only made it all the better.

When everyone else walked out of the Hammerhead, Kasumi acting as tour guide and Miranda still stumbling over herself, Anya leaned close again and said, "It was totally love at first sight."

Garrus rolled his eyes. "Fine. But I should get credit that the handshake was next level, though. Miranda even stuttered."

As they walked back into the cockpit, the pilot's chair was turned and Joker was scowling at them. "What are you-" His eyes widened, looking between Miranda's close stride next to Samara and their own whispering, and Anya shriveled up inside. Maybe they weren't nearly as quiet as they thought. "Oh my two have a gambling problem."

Going on the offense, Anay scowled. "Oh, don't act all high and mighty. We all do it. Who bet on Garrus and I in the first Normandy's infamous dating pool?"

Half amused, Garrus asked, "You did?"

"I did not!"

Appearing in all her blue glory and piping up, EDI asked, "Then why did Commander Shepard transfer 300 credits to your account after she and Garrus Vakarian started a relationship?"

"EDI, I swear to fucking god, this is why I shouldn't tell you anything. I don't know why I do." Joker groaned and waved them away. "You two, out of my office with your smirking."

This time, they waited all the way until the elevator to start talking. They greeted a couple cadets, smiled and gave reports, even did a little small talk with Kelly. But the second those doors shut, they could stop being Spectre and Archangel.

Alone, they were Anya and Garrus.

Anya was the first to break her serious face. "Wanna bet how long it takes Joker to realize he kinda has the hots for the AI?"

"Way too long for it to be a fun bet." Garrus grabbed her waist and pulled her close, changing the entire mood of the elevator ride to her room. It went from "fuck to I need a shower" to "who could I fuck in the-"

Garrus broke her brain, though, when he breathed into her neck and said, "But how 'bout we skip the betting and go straight to the prize part?"

Fighting off a tragically satisfied moan, Anya had to admit she would be one hell of a way to celebrate a win. "I like how you think, Vakarian."

"And I like it when we both win." Much to her surprise, Garrus picked her up over his shoulder and carried her into her room. Anya wasn't sure if the big guy thought it was romantic, but it was kinda nice not to walk-

But then he tapped the keypad with a code she didn't recognize and heard the door lock click closed behind them.

Finally putting her down, he said with a smirk, "Especially when I've already convinced the crew that you need a day off."

"How dare you-" Anya walked for the exit, but it didn't budge. Not even when she punched it.

"Too late. Doors are locked."

She changed tactics and punched his chest, albeit not very seriously. "You scheming asshole."

"A man's gotta do what he has to do to get his girlfriend to take a fucking break."

"Ugh, fine. But you're not allowed to leave, either."

"Fine by me."

And Anya had to admit, there were perks to having a wonderful asshole boyfriend who always had her back. Though she wasn't sure she was ready to admit how wonderful yet. She'd keep those accidental three little words said in her head secret... for now.

Finallyyyy I finished this way too long chapter. I will make no consistency promises but after some of this... I missed these guys And of course I missed y'all, too. Tonight I'll be streaming some Mass Effect so catch me if you can at /thespacebard Thanks for reading everyone and anyone 3


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